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Original poster

Sex on the first date...

175 replies

carriecaux · 16/09/2017 15:40

Okay so recently went on a tinder date, it went really well. He kissed me on the way home and then we ended up going back to his on the premise that nothing more had to happen! We agreed to wait and not have sex, and we both said we'd like to go on a 2nd date so there was no rush or anything to do it, buuut things got a bit heated and it ended up just happening anyway, of course!

I feel like I've made a massive mistake now though because he seems to have gone off it :( he was genuinely really sweet and nice and it was a bit intense to say we'd only just met because the evening felt very couple-y, he was very like intimate in ways I've only been with an actual boyfriend before, if that makes sense? Like I've had a few casual things recently and they've not felt intimate at all like this did.

So we vaguely said we might do something this weekend. We texted a bit but way less than before, he still asked me how I am etc but didn't really reply much.. so I asked if he still wanted to do something this weekend or not (kinda trying to give the option of saying if he wasn't into it) and he then text saying 'I'd love to do something next week if possible, but just really busy this weekend now' etc. So I replied saying sure, when would be good for you but he didn't respond to that one.

The thing is I'm so new to dating. So I don't know what's normal, maybe he is just busy? But my friends are saying he's probably using it as an excuse bc he doesn't want to have to say no, or he's trying not to look too keen, I'm thinking surely men don't do that?! I'm 23 (he is 27) but I had a boyfriend for a long long time before now but we never dated. We split up 6 months ago and this is genuinely my first date since so I don't know what to expect. My other thought is that is this how actual adults date, casually without the need to be in constant contact? I'm so used to being in a relationship I don't know how to do this!

I'm thinking maybe I should text tomorrow if I don't hear from him today basically being like what's the deal, are you into it or not. Obviously not in those words, but something like that. I think I know exactly what people are going to say to this, but I'd appreciate thoughts anyway?!

OP posts:
Smeaton · 16/09/2017 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

esk1mo · 16/09/2017 15:56

i agree with above poster, i find the men you feel intimate and boyfriendy with from the getgo are usually the ones who are good at making you feel comfortable enough to sleep with them early on, because they seem so sweet and genuine. but they usually scarper after they get what they want Sad

i reckon they are probably like that with alot of girls. he sounds like someone who did this to me, although i waited till he 5th time we met, he still disappeared after a few shags.

Weebo · 16/09/2017 15:56

I would leave the ball in his court.

He may be actually busy in which case he will text you back with plans when he gets a moment OR he's an asshole who was just looking for sex so good riddance.

Either way, don't beat yourself up about having sex on the first date. There's no shame in it and it's certainly not a reason for a good guy to drop you.

Notsandwiches · 16/09/2017 15:58

Leave it. If he's interested he'll be in touch. If not, you have your answer.

Personally I would not have a ONS. If you have sex with someone on a first date that's potentially what it is: a ONS. They may tell you they want to see you again but who knows if that will happen. If you're comfortable with the prospect it's a ONS then go for it. If not then don't.

Original poster
carriecaux · 16/09/2017 16:01

Yes, that's what I was worried would be the case :( it's horrible though, it's worse than being upfront about only wanting sex; I'd be fine with that! I'm not necessarily looking for anything specific, I only viewed it as more serious because of his attitude 😣 Argh.

And yes I suppose that's true Weebo! If it was lies then he's a knob and I'm well rid.

Just didn't seem like someone that would do that!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 16/09/2017 16:01

I would leave it and see what he does or says next.
Possibly he is busy but it sounds a bit like he's trying to back off. If he's the type to do that after you've had sex then he'd do that whether you'd done it the first date or the fifth one so don't beat yourself up. I've had experiences like that and also relationships that have come from sex on the first date so when you have sex doesn't mean much.

Smeaton · 16/09/2017 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
carriecaux · 16/09/2017 16:08

Yes exactly, it so hard to judge. My last boyfriend started from a ONS when we were 18 😂! And we were together five years!

I'm fine with ONS honestly but I have to know that's all it is to be okay with it. I'm getting a bit upset I think because I feel as if he's lied about wanting to see me again but I'd already let myself develop some feelings toward it. Agh.

Reassuring to know it's happened to other people and not just me being an idiot. And yes, very true if this happened now instead of in 4 or 5 dates time.

OP posts:
shortcake76 · 16/09/2017 16:09

Sorry, but sounds like he got what he wanted on the first date and isn't interested in following up with anything else or further meets.

I wouldn't bother to text. I'd wait and see if he makes the next move: from your post, you seem to be making all of the running.

Weebo · 16/09/2017 16:10

Yup and it's nice to find these things out early. Saves a lot of time. :o

Just think of it as a nice shag and onward and upwards.

Unless he was crap in bed.

Original poster
carriecaux · 16/09/2017 16:13

It was really good! Which makes it even more annoying! If he'd been upfront and said it was just a sex thing it could have been a good situation for us both!

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 16/09/2017 16:38

It's Tinder, OP - there are lots of guys on there looking for a ONS.

And lots who are desperate to be thought of as nice guys and who won't admit to dates that they were only in it for the sex, even afterwards.

The fact he was lovely and attentive before he got sex and lost interest afterwards says it all. If he still felt like he did before the sex, you would know.

guiltybystander · 16/09/2017 16:46

You totally killed off his hunting instinct.
There are people who say it is okay to have sex on the first date. Sure. But then don't be surprised if it stays on that level; just sex.
Don't pester him with texts anymore. If he wants something he will let you know. If he doesn't, he won't.

Softkittysillykitty · 16/09/2017 16:53

OP, if you're truly open to this being just a sex thing, send him a flirty sexy text. Bet he'll come running. But if you are looking for something more meaningful then my hunch is that he is not your man.

Branleuse · 16/09/2017 16:56

i thought tinder was pretty much all about one night stands

userxx · 16/09/2017 16:59

Not necessarily, there are people on tinder looking for relationships.

Smeaton · 16/09/2017 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NachoAddict · 16/09/2017 17:03

I wouldn't waste any more tine on this one op. Maybe he wasn't as into it as you but thought he may as well have some sex while he can. If ge wanted to pursue he woukd make the effort regardless how bisy he is.

Josuk · 16/09/2017 17:05

OP - don't be hard on yourself. You are new to this whole dating experience. Also - you are young and have plenty of time.
You'll get a hang of it.

With this specific guy - just back off and don't look needy. He'll get in touch or he won't.
There is nothing you can do to influence what's in his head.

As to sex and first date. I am a little less than double your age. And in my dating life - it made no differences.
Sometimes I felt like waiting. Sometimes I went for it right away.
It made no difference on how the relationships developed. The attraction and fit made a difference.

My husband and father of my children - I met him very briefly for 15 min at a work event. Several months later - we met at a party and went home together. That was 15years ago.

I guess what I am trying to say is that with a right person it doesn't matter.

Don't worry. You'll be OK.

PPS I am not sure Tinder is the best place to date. Hook ups, sure.
You must have friends. Go out and have fun. Flirt. Try it the old fashioned way.
Worked for generations. And it can be fun.

SuperSkyRocketing · 16/09/2017 17:27

Josuk hits the nail on the head for me. With the right person it shouldn't matter.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for having sex on a first date OP and don't beat yourself up over it. Sometimes it just happens for a multitude of reasons even if you weren't intending it to. You're so young, you had fun, just chalk it up to experience.

I wouldn't be texting him though. Hold your head up high and move onto the next one. His loss!

AvocadoQueen · 16/09/2017 18:05

I had the same experience - except I kept texting. I couldn't accept it at all!!! All I got was damaged pride out of it ~bitter~ Grin

Agree that it makes no difference when you have sex if you are both keen on each other and not just after an ego boost based around 'winning' sex.

Try not to feel bad about it as at least you found out early - some of my friends have held back only for the guy to disappear anyway after the first time - sometimes a good few weeks in after many many lovely dates. Now that's callous.

Also agree Tinder may not be the best place to meet someone if you want a relationship. It doesn't involve much investment at any level.

scaryclown · 16/09/2017 18:11

I don't agree, let it cool for a bit then ask him out. Men are just as capable of thinking 'shit maybe she's not really into it' *especially with the narrative of men pushing for sex, feeling like you might feel tricked etc.

If you don't make it obvious, he may well feel he was used for sex.

If he's not into it, or just not into a full relationship waiting and asking will either give you a very positive signal or not, but you might be guaranteeing a not if you act like he didn't impress you much.

Thebluedog · 16/09/2017 18:14

Tinder and any of the free dating sites seem to be a breeding ground for people who will say anything to get a shag....

A friend of mine has had this happen on numerous occasions, it downs teem to matter how many dates she goes on, as soon as she has sex they go cold or awol.

AvocadoQueen · 16/09/2017 18:19

I think sites like Tinder work well as long as you genuinely are able to keep your expectations realistic, stick to your boundaries and not take other people's shitty behaviour personally.

I failed on all 3!

missmoz · 16/09/2017 18:26

No decent guy is going to be like "oh I really liked her but now we've had sex I'll leave it" only arseholes think like that, so just think of it as saving yourself some time.

It isn't a hunt, women aren't prey, it's just two people working out what they want from each other. Put him to the back of your mind, go on dates with other people, and if he wants to get in touch he will. Better this way than him doing the same thing after 5 dates when you have more feelings. Good luck!