Sex on the first date...

[carriecaux]

Okay so recently went on a tinder date, it went really well. He kissed me on the way home and then we ended up going back to his on the premise that nothing more had to happen! We agreed to wait and not have sex, and we both said we'd like to go on a 2nd date so there was no rush or anything to do it, buuut things got a bit heated and it ended up just happening anyway, of course!

I feel like I've made a massive mistake now though because he seems to have gone off it :( he was genuinely really sweet and nice and it was a bit intense to say we'd only just met because the evening felt very couple-y, he was very like intimate in ways I've only been with an actual boyfriend before, if that makes sense? Like I've had a few casual things recently and they've not felt intimate at all like this did.

So we vaguely said we might do something this weekend. We texted a bit but way less than before, he still asked me how I am etc but didn't really reply much.. so I asked if he still wanted to do something this weekend or not (kinda trying to give the option of saying if he wasn't into it) and he then text saying 'I'd love to do something next week if possible, but just really busy this weekend now' etc. So I replied saying sure, when would be good for you but he didn't respond to that one.

The thing is I'm so new to dating. So I don't know what's normal, maybe he is just busy? But my friends are saying he's probably using it as an excuse bc he doesn't want to have to say no, or he's trying not to look too keen, I'm thinking surely men don't do that?! I'm 23 (he is 27) but I had a boyfriend for a long long time before now but we never dated. We split up 6 months ago and this is genuinely my first date since so I don't know what to expect. My other thought is that is this how actual adults date, casually without the need to be in constant contact? I'm so used to being in a relationship I don't know how to do this!

I'm thinking maybe I should text tomorrow if I don't hear from him today basically being like what's the deal, are you into it or not. Obviously not in those words, but something like that. I think I know exactly what people are going to say to this, but I'd appreciate thoughts anyway?!

Well I don't feel the need to have sex straight away. Why should I? I'm self assured enough (as all women should be) that I have plenty of other positive attributes to keep a man interested.

I don't need to have sex to make him like me. A guy is lucky to get with me, why would I do it straight away?!

Most men prefer classy ladies. I know it's double standards but people can try and convince themselves otherwise but men generally prefer ladies who wait!

I am intrigued though.

What about handjobs? Which date do they happen on with a classy lady?

So you think the only reason a woman would have sex on the first date is to keep a guy interested in her?

Not that she's horny and fancies a shag or anything?

How sad.

Oh my fucking god.

I don't have the words to reply to the shite I'm reading about "I have lots of positive attributes to keep him interested" "i don't need to have sex with him to make me like him"

Yeah weebo.... thank you. FYI a classy lady gives a handjobs in silk gloves. Can be done before, during or after the first meeting. Marigolds also acceptable. No gloves and you're a w-h-o-r-e hoo-er.

I'm not saying that's the only reason......

But even if you are really turned on and want to have sex, it's best to have self control and wait. It generally works out better in the long run.

MrsOpinionated, how exactly would you know if it generally works out better in the long run? Have you surveyed the country?

Oh god!!
Have to say I totally agree with those who say game playing is ridiculous and it's why I kind of laugh a bit at the 'treat em mean' sort of advice because it's like, really? If 2 people truly like each other, why can't they just get on with it? I find this game playing and arbitrary waiting times for sex/texting back/whatever so archaic. Maybe others disagree, fine. Like I've said if I meet a guy who subscribes to the view that women should be mysterious and aloof and not appear available then fine, we're probably not all that compatible anyway if that's the way he views women.

And other points to reiterate:
I slept with him cos I wanted to, not cos I felt it'd be the best strategy to date him
And I was upset in this instance that he made such a big deal of wanting a 2nd date and wanting to see me again even after we'd slept together, it's just a bit shady and grimy and not cool. Whether or not you agree with sex on a first date, you must see it's worse to lie about to encourage sex.

Who are these twats you're fucking that base their respect of women on whether or not they are sleeping with you?

What's that saying about, if a woman is less valuable after you fucked her, maybe you should take a look at your dick?

MrsOpinion

That's not how being turned on works. What are you waiting for exactly? Him to propose? I just want fucked. Why am I waiting exactly?

Damnit.

The only gloves I own are wooly mittens with little cats on them.

Classy lady I am not.

To be frank, I've never worried about whether men think I'm 'classy'. If I want to have sex, I have sex (as long as he's enthusiastic too). If a man judged me for first date sex I'd consider him hopelessly old-fashioned and rather sexist. But so far it hasn't happened to me.

Why all the swear words?

I know it's double standards and I'm not saying it's right.

Waiting enables you to suss out a mans intentions. I'm not saying that works in every case but generally a man who only wants sex will not wait around. Although it's not my style if two people want a one night stand, then fine. But if you have a one night stand and then want more and are disappointed if he doesn't then sleeping with him straight away obviously didn't work.

cardsforkittens honestly once i'm in reverse cowgirl i doubt i'm viewed as classy, maybe you have to ride side saddle?

mrsopinionated because it IS shite, and game playing is bolleaux. Are there children here who I should be minding my language around? Suss out his intentions, did you miss the part where OP has repeatedly said it's the fact he lied that bothered her, not the fact this relationship didn't lead to marriage?

All this "men are a puzzle to suss out" rubbish is so tiresome. Game playing has only led me to more stress, I'm not sure why two adults can't just ask questions like Carrie has.

MrsOpinion if you are so confident in your many attributes then why do you assume decent men only prefer women like you because of the length of time you wait to fuck them?

You seem to have fallen for the lie that sex is something women do for men rather than with them.

You are creating the double standards here.

MrsOpinionated what are your views on FWBs? Really intrigued

I don't agree with game playing. I'm very straightforward.

It's about exercising self control, nothing to do with playing games.

What happens if you wait for months to have sex with someone and then it's shit? I couldn't carry on a relationship if the sex is bad and then you've wasted a whole heap of time for one shit shag.

And please can someone explain why women are still so judged on how quickly or not they sleep with someone and men aren't? That's just misogynistic, old fashioned rubbish.

If you want to wait then wait. If you want to have sex on a first date then have sex. I wouldn't pass judgement either way but don't believe that you're classier or in any way better because you waited and someone else didn't. It is only sex at the end of the day.

Weebo - that's not the reason they liked me. But lets be honest here, having sex on the first date is definitely not classy! Men like women who are confident, self assured and who carry themselves with class. Waiting to have sex is just one element of being classy, there are plenty more.

Dippingmytoesin - friends with benefits is definitely not my style. But individual choice I guess.

But WHY are you abitrarily exercising self control unnecessarily on something which done safely and consensually is mutually enjoyable and doesnt cause harm, a decrease in health, loss or earning or other damages?

If YOU are sexually insecure, that's on you ir doesn't reflect on the rest of us.

Following from weebo, if your attributes are so astounding, why do you worry he'll fuck off after he's had his way?

MrsO - calls it "individual choice" then goes on to suggest we lack confidence,self assuredness and class.

IMAGINE a world where you can enjoy sex AND "have class" (whatever that actually means).

And just fyi - the men i know are aware women can be confident, intelligent AND enjoy sex. And if they don't, they won't get anywhere near the magique.

I'm not insecure.

And I'm not saying my attributes are astounding. But some men will only be after sex. So why give something special to someone who doesn't want to get to know me afterwards?

If you only want a one night stand, then fine. But that's never been my style.

Not sure why anyone has sex on a first date - you are "saying" to the other person (no matter what you actually state on that date!) that you have sex on a first date, end of! Its easy to get carried away but surely anyone can say to themselves "yeah I'd like to, but I'm actually going to see what he is like (as a person) on date two, date three first". Am not a prude, its what I've learnt - that some men think oh well, that was a good shag ..... and then they don't make contact either because they just wanted a shag or maybe they are looking for an actual potential girlfriend where personality comes (sorry!) first! But if YOU want the beginnings of a relationship, get to know them a tiny bit first before sex??? (I think a text just saying "Really enjoyed our date, maybe look forward to seeing you again?" will suffice and if they dont reply, dont send any more texts - get on with another date!)

having sex on the first date is definitely not classy!

I guess that depends on what you value in people.

Christ. I feel like we've just gone back to the 1950's.

It's not your style but then you go on to put down women who do have casual sex. Why?

And because to me sex isn't special for some oogie boogie reason. Sex is special because it feels good. I won't die or be any less moral if they don't call me afterwards.

Are you religious? I am not, and that could be a reason for our vastly different perspective