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Original poster

Sex on the first date...

175 replies

carriecaux · 16/09/2017 15:40

Okay so recently went on a tinder date, it went really well. He kissed me on the way home and then we ended up going back to his on the premise that nothing more had to happen! We agreed to wait and not have sex, and we both said we'd like to go on a 2nd date so there was no rush or anything to do it, buuut things got a bit heated and it ended up just happening anyway, of course!

I feel like I've made a massive mistake now though because he seems to have gone off it :( he was genuinely really sweet and nice and it was a bit intense to say we'd only just met because the evening felt very couple-y, he was very like intimate in ways I've only been with an actual boyfriend before, if that makes sense? Like I've had a few casual things recently and they've not felt intimate at all like this did.

So we vaguely said we might do something this weekend. We texted a bit but way less than before, he still asked me how I am etc but didn't really reply much.. so I asked if he still wanted to do something this weekend or not (kinda trying to give the option of saying if he wasn't into it) and he then text saying 'I'd love to do something next week if possible, but just really busy this weekend now' etc. So I replied saying sure, when would be good for you but he didn't respond to that one.

The thing is I'm so new to dating. So I don't know what's normal, maybe he is just busy? But my friends are saying he's probably using it as an excuse bc he doesn't want to have to say no, or he's trying not to look too keen, I'm thinking surely men don't do that?! I'm 23 (he is 27) but I had a boyfriend for a long long time before now but we never dated. We split up 6 months ago and this is genuinely my first date since so I don't know what to expect. My other thought is that is this how actual adults date, casually without the need to be in constant contact? I'm so used to being in a relationship I don't know how to do this!

I'm thinking maybe I should text tomorrow if I don't hear from him today basically being like what's the deal, are you into it or not. Obviously not in those words, but something like that. I think I know exactly what people are going to say to this, but I'd appreciate thoughts anyway?!

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 16/09/2017 18:34

He's almost certainly lost interest but don't worry about it. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Don't contact him again as he'll probably ghost you now and then you'll just feel embarrassed. In the long run it's his loss.

Dreams16 · 16/09/2017 18:41

He sounds like a player sorry I once had a bloke like that I met on tinder and he was all lovely on the first date and then not long after we slept together he started to ignore me and would be days before he txt he was just after sex and I think he had other women on the go.
Sadly there are arsehole's of men out there and someone once told me you have to kiss a few frogs before you find the right one mark it as lesson learnt ignore the bloke move on find someone worthy of you and who actually wants to be with you because this bloke certainly is not

Weebo · 16/09/2017 18:47

Hunting instinct? What guff.

He's a man, not a mongoose.

Mamabear4180 · 16/09/2017 18:55

You totally killed off his hunting instinct.
There are people who say it is okay to have sex on the first date. Sure. But then don't be surprised if it stays on that level; just sex.
Don't pester him with texts anymore. If he wants something he will let you know. If he doesn't, he won't.

This is so true! First date sex is just a one night stand usually. Occasionally it turns into more but even then it often goes wrong later down the line. I say this with experience, not just me but friends too.

Personally I think it's better to wait and have sex with someone who's proven to be worthy of you but each to their own.

Original poster
carriecaux · 16/09/2017 19:04

Wow lots of replies! Re just sex thing - I feel as if that ship has sailed with him. I have had fwbs in the past 6 months since my ex that were just that and I didn't get at all emotionally involved, but that was bc I knew from the outset that's all it was to me. It helped that I was quite superficial and went for guys I didn't think I'd develop a connection to anyway.

That is my thinking too - that it really shouldn't matter when sex happens, if it's the right person it's fine! Shit to hear many people have had the same from Tinder, it seems such a mixed bag, my best friend and sisters all met their long term boyfriends on Tinder so I know it can happen!

and I don't know if I agree with the whole pester/neediness thing, it's something I feel weird about, why should I feel bad about texting following up on it if we've made an agreement we're going to go out again? :( it's like the whole women shouldn't text first thing like why on earth not?!

OP posts:
Original poster
carriecaux · 16/09/2017 19:08

Yeah AvocadoQueen, that is awful! I am glad it's now and not in many dates' time.

Thanks Josuk. I feel a bit reassured. I know I'm still young but worrying I'm not going to find someone is happening already :( my best friends are all couples and my ex (who I thought I'd be with forever lol) has a new girlfriend already too. And I seem to be really terrible at dating, I don't enjoy it at all..

Thanks everyone for the replies xx

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 16/09/2017 19:09

don't text him again, even if it's killing you not to.

If he wants to see you again, he will get in touch

Weebo · 16/09/2017 19:13

You shouldn't feel bad.

Some people are happy to get sucked into the game and edit themselves so they appear a certain way to men.

I think you are better off just being your genuine self. You wouldn't hesitate to double check an arrangement with a friend so why is it suddenly pestering because there is a man involved?

That's all to me.

Weebo · 16/09/2017 19:13

That should say nonsense to me.

Fewregrets · 16/09/2017 19:20

I don't think it's fair to label the bloke a player or an arsehole. Who knows? Maybe he just changed his mind. He liked you at the time, took up the chance to have sex then just didn't feel enough to take it further. He's entitled to do that as you would be. You only met each other once. He doesn't owe you anything.

I am looking at it from his perspective as I often change my mind having met someone once but just not felt the vibes after a few days.

TheNaze73 · 16/09/2017 20:10

You totally killed off his hunting instinct

What utter bollocks. It's not 1954

Take no notice of ridiculous statements like that

MiniTheMinx · 16/09/2017 20:42

It isn't 1954 but some men still have attitudes that wouldn't be out of place in 1954.

I'm old, I'm in my 40s this has never happened to me. I've never been single for long. I'm not drop dead. But I have always been aware of the subtle rules and the realities.

Some men maybe enlightened. Most are not.

Never make yourself too available to a man. Be busy, keep them out of your knickers, stay aloof and independent.

Players like the chase. But what of other men? You'll never know for sure, but you find yourself persued and in a relationship, because you assume they all like the chase. It's simple logic! Apply the same rule every time.

Of course if you want sex on the first date, what is stopping you, why not. Just don't expect that a man will continue to pursue you. He probably won't because most aren't enlightened!

JustWonderingZ · 16/09/2017 22:32

Josuk has it spot on. If a man is interested in you, he will remain so after you've had sex. It has no bearing in genuine cases.

If it is clear he has cooled off, he either wasn't that interested to start with and only told you what you wanted to hear in order to get his leg over, or he has changed his mind for whatever reason. There is nothing you can do to influence the situation either way, so chalk it down to experience and move on. He will find you if he wants you.

pocketsaviour · 16/09/2017 22:50

Out of the 6 long term relationships I've had, 5 of them started with sex on the first date, including my marriage.

Some men are only interested in shagging as many different women as possible. Sounds like he's one of them. Onto the next!

Weebo · 16/09/2017 23:03

It doesn't sound like you have met many nice men to have such a low opinion of most of them, Mini.

I would always advise women to set their bar much higher than that.

Weebo · 16/09/2017 23:15

By that logic, OP should shag every potential guy on the first date.

It's a good way to weed out the wankers because unless the sex was really, really bad a nice guy isn't going to lose interest in a woman simply because they fucked.

Let 'em all in your knickers, Carrie. :o

Summerisdone · 16/09/2017 23:16

Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but all of the guys I know that use Tinder (all under 30) only use it for a hook up or at best a short fling. It's what has put me off using the app, because I'd be too paranoid that anyone I matched with were only looking for sex.

I'm hoping for your sake that this isn't true to all the men in there, and maybe he is just genuinely busy, but tbh it sounds to me like he may be trying to fob you off without having the balls to actually tell you that he's no longer interested.

pennysnow · 16/09/2017 23:16

I know you said your last b/f was a ONS, and it lasted 5 years, but the reality is that most long term relationships are not formed from shagging on the first date, or even the first week. There is this shitty 'knickers off on the third date' rule that came from the USA (and was probably made up by a man!) But frankly, I would never have sex until at least 3 months into a relationship. (Or after meeting 20-25 times, whichever came first.)

Most men who want to shag on the first date, (especially off dating websites,) will NOT be interested in a long term relationship.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with ONS's, but NOT if you're after a serious relationship. Don't go on tinder or the like, and shag a man straight away, if you are after a long term relationship.

Sorry @carriecaux, but I don't see this going anywhere.

Good luck to you.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 16/09/2017 23:23

My 2 long term relationships were both ONSs gone wrong. I'm pretty sure all of my friends relationships have started off with sex. Apart from my very Christian friend, who got married after 6 months Grin

What the bloody hell do you do in the first three months if your not shagging constantly?

pennysnow · 16/09/2017 23:32

What the bloody hell do you do in the first three months if your not shagging constantly?

PMSL Grin

I assume you're kidding, because if there is nothing else to your relationship except shagging, then it's not going to go very far or last very long is it? Wink

Madreputa · 16/09/2017 23:33

To anybody who thinks it is a good idea to have sex on the first date with a virtual stranger, let me ask this: what's wrong with NOT having sex on the first date?
You argue that if he is a decent bloke he will not lose interest in you if you have sex with him straight away. But you can easily reverse this argument and say that if it's a normal decent bloke, he will not lose interest either if you do not have sex with him straight away. Innit?

And yes of course he can still lose interest if you keep him waiting and shag him only on the fifth date, but in my opinion it is less likely.

Original poster
carriecaux · 16/09/2017 23:34

Sex is a big part of relationships for me penny and I cannot imagine waiting 3 months to have sex with someone! Even 3 weeks would be too much! I honestly don't think it was the fact that we had sex that swayed it at all, on reflection, having thought about it since posting this earlier and read all the responses etc.

Sounds like a good plan Weebo!! Or a hopefully fun one at least hahah! I think everyone's right in saying with the right person it wouldn't matter when so I'll just continue to do what feels right at the moment I guess. I think I'm just bothered by the shadiness of it, I would much rather someone be upfront about wanting sex than pretend to want to go on more dates Confused I really don't like being lied to and my ex lied a lot so maybe I just have issues in this way.

Hilariously I've had issues with guys recently I've explicitly told I only want sex getting attached and wanting more. One of them told me he loved me after the 2nd time we met! Cannot win!!

ANYWAY I feel I should probably say I did text him and he texted me back saying he "wasn't really sure so doesn't want to waste my time if I do want to date" and then said "I appreciate I shouldn't have taken you home so I can only apologise for that, in hindsight I should have thought more about the situation" whatever! I'm glad it's sorted and I have somewhat of an explanation, but I am still pretty annoyed as he made such a big deal of how great it'd been to meet me and how he wanted to go on more dates with me (this convo after we'd had sex) it's a bit grimy how fake that is, like he obviously knew at that point he didn't want to see me again. Ewwww.

OP posts:
Original poster
carriecaux · 16/09/2017 23:37

Madreputa, it's not that I think there is anything wrong with waiting, not at all! I see why it is sensible and yes you're right doing it with virtual strangers is especially troublesome. In this case I felt safe because I have mutual friends with him. We did meet on Tinder but we actually work for the same organisation - thankfully not likely to ever work together! There may well be some awkward bumping into each other scenarios in the future but anyway. What I mean is, I did it because I wanted to in the moment. It was not at all about trying to please him or do what I thought would be best to secure a 2nd date. I just wanted to!

OP posts:
Softkittysillykitty · 16/09/2017 23:41

Well done for taking initiative OP. Now you know where you are with each other you can move on with a clear mind.

pennysnow · 16/09/2017 23:46

@Madreputa

I have to agree with you. If people wanna shag on the first date, then good luck to them. But there's no way in hell I would be shagging someone on a first date, or a second, or a third. As I said, it would be several months for me. Obviously we are all different, and I would not judge anyone for shagging immediately, and I would hope they would not judge me for wanting to wait. If a man didn't want to wait and insisted on shagging say within a week or two, or on the first one or two dates, then I would end it.

I do find it disturbing and actually quite hilarious when someone says 'what do you do then if you don't shag?' What the actual fuck? 😂 PLEASE tell me you have more to your relationship than shagging!

I understand that you probably feel used and let down @carriecaux, but unfortunately, I guess this is the risk you take with having sex on a first date, because many men on these dating websites will just be after a shag. And that is all. You say you knew him through mutual friends, but that he is also on a dating website. So I am willing to bet he was just after sex.