Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex on the first date...

175 replies

carriecaux · 16/09/2017 15:40

Okay so recently went on a tinder date, it went really well. He kissed me on the way home and then we ended up going back to his on the premise that nothing more had to happen! We agreed to wait and not have sex, and we both said we'd like to go on a 2nd date so there was no rush or anything to do it, buuut things got a bit heated and it ended up just happening anyway, of course!

I feel like I've made a massive mistake now though because he seems to have gone off it :( he was genuinely really sweet and nice and it was a bit intense to say we'd only just met because the evening felt very couple-y, he was very like intimate in ways I've only been with an actual boyfriend before, if that makes sense? Like I've had a few casual things recently and they've not felt intimate at all like this did.

So we vaguely said we might do something this weekend. We texted a bit but way less than before, he still asked me how I am etc but didn't really reply much.. so I asked if he still wanted to do something this weekend or not (kinda trying to give the option of saying if he wasn't into it) and he then text saying 'I'd love to do something next week if possible, but just really busy this weekend now' etc. So I replied saying sure, when would be good for you but he didn't respond to that one.

The thing is I'm so new to dating. So I don't know what's normal, maybe he is just busy? But my friends are saying he's probably using it as an excuse bc he doesn't want to have to say no, or he's trying not to look too keen, I'm thinking surely men don't do that?! I'm 23 (he is 27) but I had a boyfriend for a long long time before now but we never dated. We split up 6 months ago and this is genuinely my first date since so I don't know what to expect. My other thought is that is this how actual adults date, casually without the need to be in constant contact? I'm so used to being in a relationship I don't know how to do this!

I'm thinking maybe I should text tomorrow if I don't hear from him today basically being like what's the deal, are you into it or not. Obviously not in those words, but something like that. I think I know exactly what people are going to say to this, but I'd appreciate thoughts anyway?!

OP posts:
Softkittysillykitty · 17/09/2017 16:14

So many young women, fail to realise how to play a man. He needs to feel like he has competition. That other men want you. That if he gets in to your knickers, he is one lucky son of a bitch.

Frankly I would not be attracted to a man who responds to this kind of immature game playing.

FWIW, I slept with an ex on the first date and the relationship lasted 8 years. IME, the decent ones see through games and find them a turn off.

JustWonderingZ · 17/09/2017 16:32

Is it a generational thing? I was brought up to believe in this hunter instinct codswallop. But it is absolutely not what I found in my experience. The men I have come across in my life detested playing games, as in it was seriously not on. Pretending hard to get for the sake of it, counting hours to reply to a text and waiting for a set time before any physical contact? They could see right through it. I don't think men appreciate being treated like they are a bit simple.

With my now DH we were in bed within hours of meeting each other, although that was not typical behaviour for either of us. It did not put him off, he wanted more. And still does 13 years later.

If there is a connection and spark, there is nothing wrong exploring it if you are both free and available. Yes to being an independent, content and fulfilled lady with a life of her own. No, no, no to game playing. A big turn off for any decent bloke.

Madreputa · 17/09/2017 18:35

JustWondering Weebo Softkittysillykitty has it ever occurred to you that to many people it is not immature game playing? Some of us genuinely do not want to sleep with someone we just met one and a half hour ago. Simple as that.
And if you think that having sex with a completely random new bloke within an hour makes you liberated and broad minded, you are sorely mistaken.

Softkittysillykitty · 17/09/2017 18:46

Mad Of course it's OK not to want to sleep with someone on a first date.

My post was in response to Husky suggesting women who "fail to play men" are foolish.

FWIW in another LTR I've had, it took weeks before I knew I wanted to DTD. Every relationship is different. But the point is that if someone judges you on how long it takes you to have sex with them, they are a write off IMO.

Fauchelevent · 17/09/2017 19:06

It's nearly ten months into 2018, and people still have time for that ridiculous game playing like waiting specific times to reply, making a man feel unwanted and seeming aloof and hard to get... which kind of wastemen are you dating??

Carrie, i don't think you did anything wrong in asking where you stand. Now you know, and you can move on.

I also don't think people are "sorely mistaken" for thinking they're liberated by having sex when they want to, whether it's minutes after meeting or years. In fact it's pretty much the definition of being liberated, doing whatever the fuck you want with little regard to social mores (hurting no one aside)

Madreputa · 17/09/2017 19:33

Fauchelevent in my dictionary sleeping with a virtual stranger within hours is not the definition of being liberated.

Fauchelevent · 17/09/2017 19:39

No, in your opinion. It's quite different, pet.

Weebo · 17/09/2017 19:39

Who said there was anything wrong with not wanting to sleep with someone right away? Ah! No one did.

Perhaps you haven't been able to grasp it but people are just voicing their opinion that there is nothing wrong with two consenting adults deciding to have sex no matter how long they have known each other.

My problem is with women who think it's good advice to follow silly little rules and tie yourself in knots to get a man to like you.

It's unhealthy, old-fashioned bollocks.

JustWonderingZ · 17/09/2017 19:41

Madreputa you continually miss the point. Women are no worse/better than men and it does not devalue a woman to have sex soon if she so wants. If she so wants is a key phrase here.

Deliberately stringing guys along for months with no good reason other than 'fuelling his hunter instinct' is called game playing. Men aren't stupid. They can work things out.

Fair enough if you are not sure there's a romantic connection or if he is a good match for you. At the end of the day, you don't owe anybody anything.

There is no right or wrong. As long as you are true to yourself.

Madreputa · 17/09/2017 19:53

The problem is that you make a feminist issue out of this shit. Women this, men that blabla...being liberated, being equal to men blabla..

Even centuries ago there were women/men who slept with each other immediately, and today there are women/ men who do not. It's nothing to do with feminism or liberalism.
Btw I just pointed it out above that not every one of us strings along men DELIBERATELY, we just don't feel like sleeping with them right away. And if many of us don't answer a text msg from our latest conquer right away, it doesn't necessarily mean we are playing a well-planned out calculated game. It means we just don't give a shit because we lost interest.

Weebo · 17/09/2017 19:56

You're the only one who mentioned being liberated.

JustWonderingZ · 17/09/2017 20:00

Madreputa in my dictionary sleeping with a virtual stranger within hours is not the definition of being liberated.

I am so sorry to disappoint, but my DH does not think less of me because I did not wait 12 months to see him naked.

My worth is not measured in how many men I shagged and how long I made them wait. Hope yours isn't either.

And what is that dictionary word you mentioned?

Madreputa · 17/09/2017 20:01

Others didn't mention the word liberated but implied it.

Madreputa · 17/09/2017 20:05

JustWonderingZ I do not know you husband or you. Maybe your husband got all the women he ever dated straight away so he doesn't know any better. Can't blame him.
And that 12 months you mentioned....where the hell did you get that from? Your grandma?

JustWonderingZ · 17/09/2017 20:13

Has anybody said you must sleep with each and every date? I do not seem to recall that. PPs said you will do well to treat yourself and your date/ man with respect. He will do well not to be presumptuous and expect sex, and she will do well to afford the man some common decency and honesty. In my experience men do appreciate honesty in women, and being genuine.

If he is a player and she is into games, then it is a match made in heaven.

JustWonderingZ · 17/09/2017 20:21

Madreputa you are so ridiculous, I am not going to engage anymore. My DH did not 'get' me. I am not a trophy!!!

I am sorry if you see yourself in this way.

holdthewine · 17/09/2017 20:29

"You totally killed off his hunting instinct"

My DD slept with her BF the first time they met (eyes met "across a crowded room") and they're still an item 6.5 years on.

MrsOpinionated · 17/09/2017 20:39

There are always going to be exceptions to the general rule. But most decent men would prefer a classy lady who waits. I appreciate the double standards but it's just a fact.

Weebo · 17/09/2017 20:43

Bahahahaha.

Are you a Victorian classy lady, MrsOpinionated?

How long did you wait?

Coconutspongexo · 17/09/2017 20:47

I don't think it is just a fact I think modern decent men aren't arsed about how fast you sleep with someone.

MrsOpinionated · 17/09/2017 21:10

Yes I'm classy. I waited awhile. There's certainly nothing Victorian about waiting.

I think a guy is lucky to date me so there is no need to have sex straight away. All women should have that self worth and assurance.

No man has ever objected to waiting.

TheNaze73 · 17/09/2017 21:20

MrsOpinionated is my new favourite poster. Too funny

Weebo · 17/09/2017 21:22

What does self-worth and assurance have to do with fucking?

Coconutspongexo · 17/09/2017 21:22

I waited two years with my ex, I was with him for 10 years, engaged and was pregnant when he fucked off.

If he's an arse hole he's an arse hole regardless of how long you wait

Mamabear4180 · 17/09/2017 21:26

I agree with MrsOpinionated and think it's a bad idea to have sex on the first date whether your male or female. It's not at all classy.