Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Sex on the first date...

175 replies

carriecaux · 16/09/2017 15:40

Okay so recently went on a tinder date, it went really well. He kissed me on the way home and then we ended up going back to his on the premise that nothing more had to happen! We agreed to wait and not have sex, and we both said we'd like to go on a 2nd date so there was no rush or anything to do it, buuut things got a bit heated and it ended up just happening anyway, of course!

I feel like I've made a massive mistake now though because he seems to have gone off it :( he was genuinely really sweet and nice and it was a bit intense to say we'd only just met because the evening felt very couple-y, he was very like intimate in ways I've only been with an actual boyfriend before, if that makes sense? Like I've had a few casual things recently and they've not felt intimate at all like this did.

So we vaguely said we might do something this weekend. We texted a bit but way less than before, he still asked me how I am etc but didn't really reply much.. so I asked if he still wanted to do something this weekend or not (kinda trying to give the option of saying if he wasn't into it) and he then text saying 'I'd love to do something next week if possible, but just really busy this weekend now' etc. So I replied saying sure, when would be good for you but he didn't respond to that one.

The thing is I'm so new to dating. So I don't know what's normal, maybe he is just busy? But my friends are saying he's probably using it as an excuse bc he doesn't want to have to say no, or he's trying not to look too keen, I'm thinking surely men don't do that?! I'm 23 (he is 27) but I had a boyfriend for a long long time before now but we never dated. We split up 6 months ago and this is genuinely my first date since so I don't know what to expect. My other thought is that is this how actual adults date, casually without the need to be in constant contact? I'm so used to being in a relationship I don't know how to do this!

I'm thinking maybe I should text tomorrow if I don't hear from him today basically being like what's the deal, are you into it or not. Obviously not in those words, but something like that. I think I know exactly what people are going to say to this, but I'd appreciate thoughts anyway?!

OP posts:

Mamabear4180 · 17/09/2017 22:30

It is only sex at the end of the day.

If you don't place any importance on it then you would never understand MrsOpinionated point of view in a million years.

Also if you waited months there's no way the sex would be 'shit'. Trust me.

You can't blame a man who shags and runs if you would all do the same thing. The op is hurt by the lies but lets face it, you can't know what's going to be truth or lies until a reasonable amount of time has passed and trust has built up. They had one date, you just can't know anything at that point.

MrsOpinionated · 17/09/2017 22:30

In fairness, I think the same of men who do it too, although most men I've met have had one night stands. It did put me off slightly but overall that was fine providing they were not expecting that from me!

I'm not putting women down who do it, I'm trying to offer an explanation as to why men may not want to date them afterwards.

No I'm not religious.

MrsOpinionated · 17/09/2017 22:31

Mamabear is spot on.

GertyTheGert · 17/09/2017 22:32

PS To explain, the reason I have written the above is BECAUSE the original poster started off by saying along the lines fairly new to dating.... he hasn't confirmed another date... my friends are saying blah but then a consequent post of hers says she wanted to have sex etc. Its just an idea to try out another stance, not to say Be A Good Girl and wear gloves as per what someone else suggested!!!! And that WAS funny!!!!!

PisforPeter · 17/09/2017 22:34

I was 23 when I met my hubby, we slept together on the first night. 15 years & 2 kids later & all is good. Don't beat yourself up, he will get back in touch if he is interested X

Notearsgoodbye · 17/09/2017 22:37

There are so many threads on here where men disappear or lose interest after sex and the woman is angry/hurt/upset. I dont know why op would be surprised in the situation she describes.

I wonder how often it happens the other way round ie the woman doesn't want to see the guy again.

Coconutspongexo · 17/09/2017 22:39

I've had sex with someone the only other person I've slept with in my life.

I didn't want to see him again, he still messages me now. I slept with him last June it was meant to be a one off.

Weebo · 17/09/2017 22:40

There's no way sex would be shit after months of waiting? Really?

What if he wanted you to dress up like a postman and call him Captian Banana the whole time?

Honestly, there are many ways the sex could be bad no matter how long you wait.

Madreputa · 17/09/2017 22:55

The first-date sexers seem to think there's only two options when it comes to dating: you either shag on the first date or you wait for long months for it. It reflects upon their narrow mindedness. They can't imagine there are fifty shades of grey in between. (excuse the pun)
I wouldn't wait for months you silly cows....

Coconutspongexo · 17/09/2017 22:56

Or maybe they just feel like shagging on the first date people can do what they want with their own bodies really can't they?

JustWonderingZ · 17/09/2017 22:59

Some of the posts on this thread seriously make me wonder if prudishness and 'saving yourself' for something or other, is actually a cover for being ambivalent towards sex. Sort of they will put up with it if they must, after a few months have elapsed, but it is really 'the other things' which make them stay in a relationship. Just my impression.

Weebo · 17/09/2017 22:59

Actually, it was one of you Classy Ladies who mentioned waiting months, Mad.

Notearsgoodbye · 17/09/2017 23:02

I agree people can shag on the first date if they want but if they are upset when the guy doesn't want to see them again then why bother? They may as well go home after the date and not be upset.

dinahmorris · 17/09/2017 23:16

I have never had a relationship that didn't start with sex. If I'm attracted to someone and they are to me there is no fucking way I'm going to be deliberately avoiding sex just to make a point. I find that attitude rather pathetic tbh.

There are men who would judge me for sex on a first date, but they are not the kind of men I want a relationship with so it is helpful to weed them out early on.

If women people don't want or enjoy sex with someone they barely know, that is obviously fine. But judging those of us who do is really not fine.

Softkittysillykitty · 17/09/2017 23:24

The first-date sexers seem to think there's only two options when it comes to dating: you either shag on the first date or you wait for long months for it. It reflects upon their narrow mindedness. They can't imagine there are fifty shades of grey in between. (excuse the pun)
I wouldn't wait for months you silly cows....

Why so rude Mad? And besides no one has expressed anything of the sort. You are projecting your own narrow mindedness.

Mamabear4180 · 17/09/2017 23:24

Nope. You just get it.

If I'm attracted to someone and they are to me there is no fucking way I'm going to be deliberately avoiding sex just to make a point. I find that attitude rather pathetic tbh.

It's not about making a point, it's about making sure there's going to be a relationship before having sex with someone. That's just what some people prefer.

There are men who would judge me for sex on a first date, but they are not the kind of men I want a relationship with so it is helpful to weed them out early on.

weed them out by having sex with them? Jesus!

Madreputa · 17/09/2017 23:24

JustWonderingZ so if someone doesn't want to have sex on a first date you basically call them frigid? Jesus! You stupidity is beyond salvation.
If I don't get naked with someone on the first date I am prudish?
Are you a teenager? Your twisted logic and mentality belongs to the playground. Grow up!

Mamabear4180 · 17/09/2017 23:25

*Nope you just don't get it, missed out a word there

NachoAddict · 17/09/2017 23:25

I enjoy sex and if I want to have sex on tge first date I will, because I want it. Sometimes I wait, sometimes I don't. How can any man judge me when he also had sec on the first date. I wouldnt want to be involved with such a hypocrite so good riddance!
Sex is not something special that a woman gifts to a man after he had earned it, it is a mutually enjoyable way to pass the time. In my opinion.
Besides why waste time dating someone who ends up being shite in bed like the one I shagged on tge first date who alternated between calling me a dirty bitch and telling me he loved me. He certainly didn't lose interest after sleeping together but I did and was glad I didnt invest my feelings in him and was able to walk away and not be upset.

Mamabear4180 · 17/09/2017 23:28

What if he wanted you to dress up like a postman and call him Captian Banana the whole time?

I can tell you have no idea what it would be like to wait 6 months

Weebo · 17/09/2017 23:32

ACK-SHURLY! I technically waited 2 years to shag my husband.

I'm clearly Queen-Fucking-Classy.

Weebo · 17/09/2017 23:35

Although if I could go back in time I would dump my asshole boyfriend and shag DH right away.

So what does that make me? A classy hussie?

JustWonderingZ · 17/09/2017 23:59

Look folks, you wait if you want to :) although a lot of us do not see the point if there is clearly a strong attraction between the parties. There are enough examples on this thread which show that a man does not care if you have sex with him 'too soon'. In fact, it will be hilarious to listen to blokes express their opinions on the matter. I bet there will be none of this 'classy' shit featuring in their views. You either like the girl enough or you don't. The fact she has made you wait loads and generally pissed you about to show how hard to get she is and what a class act you is getting, well... Pull another one.

If a bloke is a dick, he will be so after the 20th date, engagement and marriage.

By the way, yes, some guys are shit in bed. I will be devastated to discover that after I am hook, line and sinker into the relationship. Makes no sense whatsoever to do that.

MiniTheMinx · 18/09/2017 02:38

I would prefer to find other ways of filtering out men than having sex. One could have a lot of shit first dates and ONS, a lot of shit sex. No thank you. It makes me think of friends and threads " it was all great until I asked him " is it in yet?" How did it get to that, did you not do your homework first.

Ok, so men hold out the promise of a relationship in order to get sex, women hold out the promise of sex to get a relationship. See the problem? This is a generalisation. So it doesn't hold true for all people. But it's a general pattern.

If women choose to have sex with men they do not know, for the sake of having sex and with no expectation that it's anything other than having sex, fine. In fact if we all adopted this behaviour men would have little reason to play a game of deceit. However, what exactly is it that is liberated about behaving in this way. It's like the lad culture of drinking pints. I'm tiny, I can't drink pints, I'd fall over drunk before any man. Not because I'm unequal but because I'm a small female person. Equality is not reducing yourselves to all being the same. Anyone understand "equality & diversity" and even if equality was about reduction, why don't we instead insist all men behave (remember the generalisation) like women?

Now, pints....if I drink lots of pints I will fall over. My liver and kidneys give out quicker because of my physiology. So too every time I have sex I risk unwanted pregnancy. Feminists have long pointed this out, that women face a particular risk to their life that men do not. Social conditioning and psychology are the total inputs into sexual identity, along with the evolutionary desire to survive and procreate. It will be many more years before the ideas of previous generations are totally eclipsed by new ideas. It will take more than a few liberated ONS to revolutionise how an entire society works.

So, either you have sex or you don't on a first date, but there is nothing liberated about false equality.

Plus, if sex is little more intimate than a handshake don't come back here as a married woman moaning that your husband is meeting and greeting other women. It's hypocrisy.

I would argue that historically women have been the gate keepers of life because of their part in reproduction. But, historically it has made us both vulnerable and prize. Nothing here is being changed simply by dropping our knickers today or next week. Because it will take more than a few women in the 70s burning their Brad and opting into porn culture or having "liberated" sex to create true equality.

I prefer not to have sex with people I don't know. I feel vulnerable in the act (surely all you liberated women have read Dworkin) I do believe it's intimate and based on trust and I do believe someone must prove themselves worthy of my trust. Despite knowing the generalised pattern of psychology, I don't actually give two monkey's arseholes what men think. I do care what my partner thinks. And he feels like a man because I choose to trust him above others.

MiniTheMinx · 18/09/2017 03:21

I would add that not only will it take more than a few liberated ONS to revolutionise society, but it will take a complete revolution of biology ( surely all you liberated women have read Firestone).

And I feel I should explain my last comment. If in sex one finds themselves face to face with their psychology, then I prefer my partner to feel like a man. The bond is one of trust. He behaves like a man who is protective. I have invested my trust. He invests his protection. This I believe makes him feel he has more than a passing interest in my happiness. The bond is one of trust and it plays into the psychological reward system, he feels empowered not by breaking my trust but by keeping it.

Classy ladies......People tend to value things like Prada over Primark. I can buy twenty Primark handbags and when I'm bored drop them in the bin. Which I think illustrates how subjective reasoning is always ultimately conditioned by material facts. So no amount of wishful thinking or liberal ideas of equality alter anything. The player can always exchange his false promises for another shag, just as I can go buy another Primark handbag.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7