Sex on the first date...

[carriecaux]

Okay so recently went on a tinder date, it went really well. He kissed me on the way home and then we ended up going back to his on the premise that nothing more had to happen! We agreed to wait and not have sex, and we both said we'd like to go on a 2nd date so there was no rush or anything to do it, buuut things got a bit heated and it ended up just happening anyway, of course!

I feel like I've made a massive mistake now though because he seems to have gone off it :( he was genuinely really sweet and nice and it was a bit intense to say we'd only just met because the evening felt very couple-y, he was very like intimate in ways I've only been with an actual boyfriend before, if that makes sense? Like I've had a few casual things recently and they've not felt intimate at all like this did.

So we vaguely said we might do something this weekend. We texted a bit but way less than before, he still asked me how I am etc but didn't really reply much.. so I asked if he still wanted to do something this weekend or not (kinda trying to give the option of saying if he wasn't into it) and he then text saying 'I'd love to do something next week if possible, but just really busy this weekend now' etc. So I replied saying sure, when would be good for you but he didn't respond to that one.

The thing is I'm so new to dating. So I don't know what's normal, maybe he is just busy? But my friends are saying he's probably using it as an excuse bc he doesn't want to have to say no, or he's trying not to look too keen, I'm thinking surely men don't do that?! I'm 23 (he is 27) but I had a boyfriend for a long long time before now but we never dated. We split up 6 months ago and this is genuinely my first date since so I don't know what to expect. My other thought is that is this how actual adults date, casually without the need to be in constant contact? I'm so used to being in a relationship I don't know how to do this!

I'm thinking maybe I should text tomorrow if I don't hear from him today basically being like what's the deal, are you into it or not. Obviously not in those words, but something like that. I think I know exactly what people are going to say to this, but I'd appreciate thoughts anyway?!

"I appreciate I shouldn't have taken you home so I can only apologise for that, in hindsight I should have thought more about the situation."

Ewwww. I remember a guy I once dated (in a similar situation) texting almost those exact words to me. As if they're not responsible for their actions or what?! You're well rid, and I suggest not dignifying him with a response.

Penny, do you appreciate the issue here though? It's not that he was just after sex that bothers me, there's nothing wrong with that imo, it's the lying/the shadiness/fake 'nice guy' stuff. If he had been upfront about it, the situation would be very different.

Pebbles - so gross isn't it!? I'm relieved it's done with. As if they're trying to massively downplay what they've done! I haven't replied - now I've got my peace of mind, it's fine. I just hate being in the lurch.

I think you dodged a bullet there. I agree, the guy doesn't sound very honest. At least you found out now, rather than after weeks of abstinence.

I'm with Josuk: with the right person it doesn't matter how soon it gets sexual. I had sex with my partner on our first date and we're still together years later.

I hope your next date is more honest and respectful!

Ah, so that's a damp squib. At least you had fun.

FWIW my husband and I were best friends for 2 years - in fact at one point I couldn't stand him. The only thing that brought us together was the fact that we realised we wanted to fuck each others brains out.

We have been together for almost 11 years and have two boys together. So sex really isn't something to avoid. As long as you are happy with it.

You sound like a really lovely and intelligent person. I honestly wish you the best with finding love. Or sex. :o

Hang on!! You both had consensual sex then he decided after it wasn't really going to happen, maybe the sex on a first date in hindsight, ruined it for him,doesn't mean he wasnt and isnt a nice guy and was being fake

you usually know during the first date if you want a second date - so he didnt have to sleep with you to confirm if he wanted to date you, he probably would have already known during your date.

so he either knew he wasnt planning on a 2nd date, or wanted a 2nd date, in which case having sex wouldnt have changed the fact he liked you and wanted to get to know you! so he probably knew he wasnt interested in dating and thought he might aswell get sex.

i met a guy 5 times from tinder who told me he was looking for something more serious than fwb/casual dating. after we slept together a few times he decided he wasnt over his ex and didnt want a relationship, he just wanted casual. i said i was just out of a long relationship so also wanted casual. still never heard from him again because he probably got what he wanted.

so i understand the whole not being upfront/honest, because if they said "i want fwb" then maybe thats what we wanted too! its sleazy and horrible and it makes you feel disgusted that you fell for it. i have no idea why some men go to such lengths just to sleep with someone a couple of times, literally whats the point? surely long term sex is better!

Next time don't text op.

I'm cringing for you that you did.

I met my husband on Tinder. And we sex on the first date. Just sayin'

Next time don't text op. I'm cringing for you that you did.

Why?! She wouldn't have had an answer if she didn't text.

I don't think there is ever an answer to this. Its really a lottery. I went on a first date with my now fiancé and as I fancied him I just went for it with the expectation that it may just turn out to be a nice shag. It was quite nerve racking waiting for the when are we going out again chat as you know sometimes it never comes.
Also it works both ways. I met someone who I was really attracted to, thought it might lead to something but the chemistry just went! I didn't set out to just get a shag out of it. I didn't see him again. Maybe he told his mates I just wanted a shag. It wasn't like that at all. You only have to read the penetration man thread to hear of it all going Pete Tong!

minitheminx is correct.

Take it from women who have been around the block a lot longer than you, NEVER, for the love of all that is holy, NEVER, EVER chase a man.

So many young women, fail to realise how to play a man. He needs to feel like he has competition. That other men want you. That if he gets in to your knickers, he is one lucky son of a bitch.

Be busy. Don't text back straight away (I'd wait at least 4 hours). Miss calls. Go out with the girls. Don't be readily available.

DO NOT CHASE A MAN.

EVER, EVER, EVER.

That's so funny Weebo!! A good story for sure Thank you anyway, that's really nice of you, I'm sure at some point I will meet someone else; it's still so soon after my ex anyway. I definitely prefer things developing between friends too like yours rather than the whole dating thing so maybe I'll see if that happens again.

Anyway I'm glad there's lots of people who have sex on the first date and then it turns out well for them if I fancy someone then I hate the thought we should wait because of some unwritten rule... I appreciate (more so now) that not everyone will feel the same which is fine, and that some guys will probably be judgemental and lose interest because of it, but then I also feel, those are not the sort of men I'd want a long term relationship with anyway? So either way it's all fine.

In terms of the guy, I'm really not even that bothered, it kinda just bothered me not knowing what was going on more than anything - I'm not upset about it. He text me again last night with a longer apology I haven't replied cos I'm not too sure what to say really. Just going to delete his number and move on haha.

Oh carriecaux my dear, you are the kind of student who will never learn.

Here are some flowers and some Kleenex for your next disappointment, which is just around the corner.

😂😂 I'm not a student, but thanks anyway !

Thats not very nice madreputa If you always keep it in the back of your head that it may not ever be more than a fleeting shag then you can not be disappointed. Yes you would feel disappointed if you really like them but you don't have to spend days wondering why they behaved that way. It just happens sometimes. Next!

Just read the opening message again. You said that both of you agreed to wait. Who instigated that discussion?

You've also said that you have tried telling men you would prefer to wait. Then you risk them stringing you along because you've shown your intentions too early.

This is like a beacon to players. It tells them that they have to make sweet promises and lead you to believe in fairytales.

Never tell a man your intentions on a first, second..... fifth date!

I am inclined to think that disclosing that you are looking for a relationship makes you vulnerable to the unscrupulous. Most men like to pursue. And you don't owe every man a relationship.

If you want ONS fine. It can be fun. But don't expect too much, just accept it for what it is.

But if you want a relationship, don't open up about it, don't text them, don't be too available either physically, mentally or emotionally.

How many women start these threads obsessing about "him" how he is quiet, not texting enough, not ringing, not making dates, why has he dropped me, has he gone off me, is he busy, is he still interested"

We obsess because we don't know. So reverse that, let a man obsess, because he will if he can't work you out.

Hmm I can't remember exactly. When we were outside his house kissing, I said we could go inside but nothing more had to happen. Then when we were inside, it kinda got down to it and he said let's wait, you said you wanted to wait/nothing had to happen, and I was like well that's true, but I do want to, it's not that I don't want to? I just don't know if we should sort of thing. Anyway we stopped, started spooning and then it just happened anyway 😳 Writing it down like that makes it sound quite bad but I was definitely giving off signals that I wanted it so I don't think it's that bad. I don't know?

This is true. All stuff to think about.

The thing is, there is a huge double standard when it comes to sex. men are a Jack the Lad and it's expected they are up for sex. But, there are loads of men, who will judge a woman for having sex on the first date. In their mind, if you did it on the first date with him, then you've done it on the first date with lots of other men, and that's where the shine wears off. Then he views you as "easy" or "desperate". It's not fair. But it's a fact, like it or not.

So this is the culprit. You went round his house. Why? Did you take him home and not the other way around? This is getting funnier and funnier...
And then you said to him you could go inside his house. So he didn't even invite you but you just blurted out you could go inside? Is this a comedy script? Two and a half men?

First dates should never be conducted in someone's house but in a neutral public place. A bar, a café etc.

You're being very patronising, and two and a half men is neither amusing nor particularly relevant in 2017, having been off the air for over two years.

OP, you live and learn. And it's ok to feel a bit hurt by how he treated you. Have a moan to one of your mates, and onwards with the swiping!

Yeah that was my concern huskylover that he'd be like oh, she slept with me therefore must sleep with every guy she goes out with. Oh well..

Ok madreputa I'm not going to defend my actions to you anymore as you obviously have decided how you feel about it! I said that because he said he didn't really want me to leave - so I said ok we can go inside but not necessarily for anything specific. I don't think there's anything wrong with that really. Plus the date was in a bar, we went for dinner and drinks and this was the walk home; we happened to live the same way.

I love that he texted again with a longer apology and you ignored him! I'd find that quite satisfying. Deleting his number is a great idea. I sometimes give the number to my mum for safekeeping before deleting it. She must have an awful lot of random blokes' numbers by now, as I've never asked her for one back!

I didn't mean to be rude but you made some moves that lead you where you are now, but you don't seem to notice them so I pointed them out. It is generally not advisable to go in someone's house you hardly know on the first date. Of course it will lead to sex. Where else would it lead? A game of chess?
Excuse my blunt manner. I am a no-nonsense type.

You weren't sure op, you weren't decisive. You may have come over as a woman who is led, not in control and a bit unsure of herself, her wishes and her actions. That doesn't give the impression of a confident sexual woman. It comes over as easily led, too easy.

I'm not going to be harsh. You've done nothing wrong but.....the sort of circumstances you describe place women in a very vulnerable position if they are unlucky enough to meet the wrong man. It happens. Like others I have learned this the hard way.

You get to decide. It's your choice. Never be led along. Some men pick up on vulnerability. And yes, some of them judge. Some are truly decent humans. But it takes more than one date to know.

Besides, if he wasnt after sex, you would have been standing outside your house. You live near each other, he could have made sure you got home safely. Not walked to his place.

Anyway, I hope you meet someone nice. Chalk this up to experience.

So many young women, fail to realise how to play a man. He needs to feel like he has competition. That other men want you. That if he gets in to your knickers, he is one lucky son of a bitch.

That's vile. Like something you would have read in Comso in the 70's.

She isn't a possession.

It's 2017 and women should really be expecting a lot more than that from men. Healthy relationships don't begin with people 'playing' each other.