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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH went out after pregnancy scan and isn't home

336 replies

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:07

I'm trying to keep this vague in case someone recognises me but hopefully it will still make sense.

I had my first pregnancy scan today for our second DC.
We have a DD together , it took a long time to conceive DD and we had a couple of failed ivf attempts before we eventually had her.

So I always wanted 2 DCs, DH wanted 1. However after having DD he decided that he wanted to try for another. But I think in part he said yes because I wanted 2.
I fell pregnant on our first attempt and we were both a bit shocked at first as we were expecting it too take longer and the gap between the DCs is closer than expected. But once it sank in I was over the moon and DH said he was too.

So to today, we are at my first scan and the scan showed twins. Both of us were shocked and DH asked her to check again which she did and assured us it is twins.

So We left the room and DH said actually he had to go out and think and he needed space. He said that this wasn't part of the plan and he had to think. I said oh ok and didn't really question it.
He has been gone for hours, he has missed dinner and DDs bedtime.
I text him to ask when he is coming home but he hasn't replied.

I am zigzaging between being worried about him and being angry with him. I'm not sure if I should call him or if that will make it worse because he wanted space. But I'm also worried and annoyed and I want to hear from him.

OP posts:
ProperLavs · 14/09/2017 14:59

What I don't get is what he needed space for?
To come to terms with it? What does that mean exactly? To decided whether he wanted to be part of this, to stick around? because that's ultimately the only thing he would have top think about isn't it?

What a dick.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 14/09/2017 15:00

Oh god, as much as I am happy he is back and nothing bad happened to him.. What a TWAT!! I'm amazed that he isn't apologetic.. or not nearly apologetic enough.

TheDodgyEnd · 14/09/2017 17:44

I think you should turn your phone off and meet a friend, go shopping, go for cake or get your nails done, maybe book into a spa overnight then turn up the next day and tell him it's no big deal!

This! ^^

Scribblegirl · 14/09/2017 17:50

I'd be sending him this thread if he doesn't get why that was a monumentally awful thing to do.

Walking out like that was unsupportive, selfish, childish, distressing for you and not the actions of a man who is there for his family.

thegirlupnorth · 14/09/2017 18:35

Op this doesn't bode well. He needed space then, when they're born he will need more! I think there's someone else. I don't believe him.

IfYouHappenToSee · 14/09/2017 18:49

Oh good grief. He was quite clearly unreasonable in not contacting his wife for so long, but I think some of the comments about him needing some 'space' are ridiculous.

He didn't want a second child in the first place. He agreed to have one because he knew it was important to his wife. Twins were not something he secretly longed for and, upon receiving the news, was a little shocked. So he took some time away.

Not because he isn't there for his family; not because there's "someome else" (ffs, based on what?); not because he's deciding if he wants to stick around, but just because he needed time to process his thoughts and emotions.

I can tell you now that if I'd found out, when I was pregnant with my second, that she was actually twins, I'd have needed space to process it. To panic privately without making it sound like I didn't want the babies, to address all of the "but how will we afford it?" thoughts, to just work through the logistics; to just come to terms with it. Especially as a second child was more important to my husband than it was to me.

And maybe some of you would have done that processing with your partners and would expect them to do that with you, but not everyone is the same, and not everyone would do the same as you.

To suggest that it doesn't bode well or that he must have someone else, is utterly ridiculous.

Willow2017 · 14/09/2017 19:57

Ifyouhappentosee

SO you would walk out on your partner and child in the afternoon and not come back until 3 in the morning and refuse to even let your dp know where you are or answer their pleas to let them know you are alright?

Ok then that makes it all fine for OP, I am sure she wasnt really worried where the hell her oh was and if something had happened to him at all.

Ok go for a walk and a coffee for an hour but not for around 12 hourse ffs.

What the hell is he going to do when the babies are here and he is sleep deprived and knackered and so is OP?

Motoko · 14/09/2017 20:01

Exactly Willow.

ieatchocolate · 14/09/2017 20:04

Ifyouhappentosee - I had that very situation. The one where you have a scan and find out its twins and yes, I needed to process it.

That said, I didn't scare the hell out of my husband by ignoring my other child and running off till 3am.

I went back to work and cried at a couple of colleagues (was a busy time of year and I wasn't allowed the whole day off!) Then I collected my son and went home. Put him to bed and then spent pretty all night furiously googling by myself. Hubby brought me a cup of tea and a duvet and let me get on with it.

There's needing space and then there's running off like an irresponsible teenager and leaving your partner worried for you.

Yes, finding out you/your partner is expecting twins can be very very scary when it comes out of the blue and you're worried how you'll cope, but I'm sorry to say it's not by any stretch the hardest thing about having twins and you need to be pulling in the same direction. If, when the going gets tough, he scarpers then OP has got a tough few years coming up. He needs to sort this all out and stop being so selfish and childish!

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2017 20:06

Tbf Ifyouhappentosee did say clearly the DH was unreasonable for not being in contact

Original poster
AWOLDh · 14/09/2017 20:23

DH text me from work saying he was really sorry and that he would come early and help with DD and after she has gone to bed he will buy us takeaway and we can talk.
I agreed and he came home early and helped with DD but it's still tense between us and we aren't really talking. He has just gone to pick the takeaway up now.

OP posts:
ieatchocolate · 14/09/2017 20:30

I hope you manage to talk it through.

To my mind there are two seperate issues:

The twin thing
The scarpering

The twin thing just is, and you need to work out how you're going to manage it. It's hard but amazing. Get as organised as you can now. Get advice where you need it. Accept all offers of help. Look into tamba - their twinline saved my sanity more than once, and homestart for when the twins are tiny.

If your children will need paid childcare, if your employers offer childcare vouchers and you are in the scheme, up your vouchers now. Plan to leave work in plenty of time for your maternity leave, twin mums don't get to work up to 37w like singleton mums (I stopped at 34 and was hospitalised at 36). Work out what can be reused and what you actually need and then draw up a plan/budget accordingly.

The scarpering is just really unhelpful. He needs to realise how unhelpful and resolve not to do it again.

MrLovebucket · 14/09/2017 20:38

I honestly don't think the OP's DH wanted another child. I think he agreed to "try" thinking it would take ages or not happen at all. I don't believe he really thought it through and just agreed to keep OP happy.

Now he's been faced with a very quick pregnancy and 2 more children that he didn't really want. He's probably shitting himself now.

I hope you can work things out OP and I hope he comes round to the idea of twins. I'd have my doubts based on his behaviour so far though. Going AWOL for hours is one thing if he needs to get his head round it. The way he's behaved since getting home doesn't bode well imo.

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2017 20:43

Hope the takeaway and talk goes well, OP.

He's behaved badly so far - he's been a bit selfish. But it's how you both get through it together now that counts. Try not to dwell on your (totally 100% understandable) annoyance with him, and just listen to what he's got to say.

I suspect he's all mixed up in his emotions and it will take a lot of talking and some time, but if he's a decent bloke usually he'll come round. Unplanned twins are a shock to any couple!

SparklyMagpie · 14/09/2017 20:50

I really hope the talk goes well OP. X

imjessie · 14/09/2017 21:02

I'd want to know where he went . It's such a long time to be outside somewhere on your own thinking . It smacks of something else . Sorry but it does . I hope I'm wrong !

Willow2017 · 14/09/2017 21:12

OP has already said where he went. Fast food places are open 24/7 he could easily have gone there after walking around for a while. Doesn't make it right but there is no need to speculate he went somewhere 'else'.

Princesspinkgirl · 14/09/2017 21:46

What a selfish prick im sorry op but doesn't he have any morals

JustMumNowNotMe · 14/09/2017 21:52

Oh dear, it sounds a very difficult situation. Hopefully the talk will go well...

stillvicarinatutu · 14/09/2017 22:04

and what "talk" can sort it really? he cant talk away 2 more babies can he?
id have kicked him in the nuts.

over40andpregnant · 14/09/2017 22:37

Well the talk will hopefully sort it out or do you propose her never talking to her husband again

I know he has behaved terribly and totally should have text you 'tis at he was ok. As I would have been freaking out

But surely he has just had a meltdown and everyone - men and women are allowed this occasionally

Or should we just ltb every time rather than resolve issues
Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high ..

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2017 22:42

id have kicked him in the nuts.

Yeah, bit of dv, always helps.

If OP had walked out would it be ok for him to have hit her? Thought not

blueonblue · 14/09/2017 22:45

I think he sounds genuinely sorry. Hope it goes well OP.

and what "talk" can sort it really? he cant talk away 2 more babies can he?
id have kicked him in the nuts.

Good grief. You sound very immature.

stillvicarinatutu · 14/09/2017 22:49

oh ffs as if i meant literally.

ok. for the hard of the grasping of the turn of phrase - i would have been very cross and told him so. better?
no i am not an advocate of ltb.

i have never kicked anyone in the nuts.
i have pavad a few with good reason.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2017 22:54

Then don't toss around casual suggestions of dv