Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH went out after pregnancy scan and isn't home

336 replies

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:07

I'm trying to keep this vague in case someone recognises me but hopefully it will still make sense.

I had my first pregnancy scan today for our second DC.
We have a DD together , it took a long time to conceive DD and we had a couple of failed ivf attempts before we eventually had her.

So I always wanted 2 DCs, DH wanted 1. However after having DD he decided that he wanted to try for another. But I think in part he said yes because I wanted 2.
I fell pregnant on our first attempt and we were both a bit shocked at first as we were expecting it too take longer and the gap between the DCs is closer than expected. But once it sank in I was over the moon and DH said he was too.

So to today, we are at my first scan and the scan showed twins. Both of us were shocked and DH asked her to check again which she did and assured us it is twins.

So We left the room and DH said actually he had to go out and think and he needed space. He said that this wasn't part of the plan and he had to think. I said oh ok and didn't really question it.
He has been gone for hours, he has missed dinner and DDs bedtime.
I text him to ask when he is coming home but he hasn't replied.

I am zigzaging between being worried about him and being angry with him. I'm not sure if I should call him or if that will make it worse because he wanted space. But I'm also worried and annoyed and I want to hear from him.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 14/09/2017 11:22

an thats it*

NC4now · 14/09/2017 11:45

I hope he's got a big bunch of flowers and a very sorry face when he gets home.

PollytheDoily · 14/09/2017 11:54

So what did get out of his "space". What's the outcome?

He doesn't seem very sorry Hmm

zzzzz · 14/09/2017 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AncoraAmarena · 14/09/2017 11:59

He didn't come back until THREE????

He ignored your texts and left you in limbo, worrying about him.

Regardless of how much a shock this was to him, his behaviour is unacceptable and disgusting. He should be begging for your forgiveness and trying to make it up to you.

What's your next step? Are you going to let it lie as it is?

Itsseweasy · 14/09/2017 12:01

He walked around a bit and then went to a fast food place until 3:00am Hmm
Are you sure that is the whole story?

Ooogetyooo · 14/09/2017 12:02

Does he do this sort of thing regularly? I would be worried this is how he is going to handle any future crisis. I wouldn't be leaving it here, he needs to give you answers and assurances, he doesn't sound the least bit worried about your welfare. Are you thing one who does all the coping and getting stuff done? he sounds flaky to me, which is the last thing you need.

NameChange30 · 14/09/2017 12:04

Well he's hardly redeemed himself with his attitude this morning.

What a dickhead.

Demilouise96 · 14/09/2017 12:05

Some men just don't know how to think about other people's feeling at all. I'd be telling him if he needs that much space then get away and stay elsewhere. Just being disrespectful if I do say he helped create them so he should stick by you and the babies!

LoniceraJaponica · 14/09/2017 12:11

He is making it all about himself and doesn't have any regard for your feelings.

It worries me that he was ambivalent about having a second, and now you are having a second and a third.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/09/2017 12:18

I'm glad he's back; and I hope you're feeling calmer and okay.

For what it's worth, I used to be a wanderer. It was always the best way of me thinking things through - going for a walk for a while. Usually only an hour; but I've wondered near my house for three-four hours before when pondering something big; and I have gone out after dark. Admittedly never until 3am.

I've stopped because it now worries DP. If I have to walk; he comes too, and we'll set rules - either I lead the conversation and essentially think out loud to him; or we talk about something else. Sometimes we walk quietly and just hold hands so I can mull things over. But most of the time, I don't wander anymore. I found a different way to cope with my thoughts. He needs to, too.

Giraffey1 · 14/09/2017 12:18

Good grief, what a self-absorbed idiot he is. I am not surprised you were angry, I would have been too. He owes you a BIG apology for being such an inconsiderate, unkind arse!

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2017 12:18

If he keeps this up you need to sit him down and say neither of us expected this, are you considering leaving us? I mean to more shock him than anything else assuming he is generally a good guy. But he needs to get his head in the game . Would you consider messaging him to pick up dd because you'll be out, you had some surprising news yesterday and it's a lot to get your head around?

cloudchasing · 14/09/2017 12:32

Ah now you see, I would have sort of forgiven him had he been gone a couple of hours and been contrite this morning. But his attitude stinks tbh.

Beadieeye · 14/09/2017 12:37

Can he be trusted to pick up DD?
I think you should turn your phone off and meet a friend, go shopping, go for cake or get your nails done, maybe book into a spa overnight then turn up the next day and tell him it's no big deal!

traceyturnblatt · 14/09/2017 12:48

Yup he's still an asshat!

God OP this can't be the first time he's been like this to you?

Branleuse · 14/09/2017 12:53

didnt he think that you might have needed support after a bombshell like that?

It seems so common that if a man is pissed off or needs space, he can just take time out and fuck off for a while. It never seems to even occur to women, even when theyre really bloody at rock bottom

ieatchocolate · 14/09/2017 13:06

God he's a dick!

I'm so sorry OP.

On the other hand, you, your daughter and the twins will rock!

Take care of you!

Xx

cloudchasing · 14/09/2017 13:16

So true Branleuse Pisses me right off.

NewDaddie · 14/09/2017 14:16

TBH I'm not even surprised, disappointed, but not at all surprised.

I'm not shy about defending men on MN but I can't defend this. We set the bar really low for each other and I wouldn't even be surprised if he gave himself a pat on the back for 'sticking it out'. And because we set the bar so low for parenting we expect rewards just for being present.

Why?

Compared with all the absentees and violent losers, dh might just feel like a hero.

I'm so sorry OP.

I'm confident that in time your dh will realise fully his actions and give you the genuine apology you deserve. I do think there is more to this than the financial pressure etc of a third child (at least in his head), but remember none of this is your fault. DH is a passenger not a co-pilot right now and you need to put yourself first even if only for the sake of your three wonderful children.

NewDaddie · 14/09/2017 14:24

Now that was said.

TWINS!!!!!

I don't care if pp said they're not special. I'm a big kid and I still stare at identical twins.

I really really really hope that you can enjoy this time now. It is vital. This probably is your last pregnancy along with all the aches, all the little kicks, AND the bump which is going to be HUUUUUGE this time.

Surround yourself with people who are mature and who are happy for you. You deserve to enjoy this time, and your twins deserve happy mummy pumping all that good stuff

^

Is it too soon to ask about names?

When you're ready if you make a post about your twins please remember to come back and add a link here. There's a few pp me who are too invested.

Willow2017 · 14/09/2017 14:35

God what an assist.

Don't Let him continue to thinks it's all fine. I would wonder if he thinks he can did sod off every time life pulls the rug from under him. Tell him he is a partner and father, he doesnt get to swan off and wallow in self pity for hours on end leaving you worried about him as well as everything else.
Its not about 'him' it's about all of you and the sooner he realises that the better it will be for everyone.

Congratulations it's a huge shock but it's a lovely one.🍾

Motoko · 14/09/2017 14:36

The least he could've done was send you a text to let you know he was safe.

He needs to apologise for being a dick, and then he needs to get over himself. He's a fully grown adult with responsibilities.

Willow2017 · 14/09/2017 14:36

'Assist'???
Asswipe !

laurielee23 · 14/09/2017 14:39

How do you think he would have responded if you had done this? I just wonder. .. if you had left him looking after your child and just said you needed 'space' then disappeared till 3am, ignoring all attempts to be contacted. It is unbelievably selfish of him and i would be absolutely bloody furious if i were you. i hope he steps up to the mark from now on. I am not sure the 'fast food ' place excuses really washes either. I would be suspicious if I were you.

Congratulations on your babies!