The Dating Thread Number 122: Colour By Numbers

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
   
2. Develop a thick skin.
   
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
   
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
   
5. Trust your gut instinct.
   
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
   
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
   
8. If it's not fun, stop.
   
9. Loo update is mandatory.
   

10. No dating the thread.

[Needanewlife]

graph sorry he's blowing hot and cold....this is becoming more and more common imo....I can't stand the. It knowing so I'd have to text to find out where his head is at and surely it can't do any harm?

smeaton agreed I am definitely not over-investing this time....there are so many people out there that we should allow ourselves to be choosy....

Have a few irons at the moment but worried I might be over-investing with Mr.American. Have been on 3 dates with him this week and really like him. He even encouraged me to get on a bike in central London and I did it!!!!! My problem is his complete unavailability over the weekends. My exh has now agreed to have the kids every other weekend which frees me up.....just going to have to date my other irons then I guess....we haven't had the exclusivity chat yet and we haven't Dtd so so see no harm in dating the others....he wrote me a poem this morning...I don't want to be an idiot and need to keep my head straight but I like him sooooo much.....he's so attentive and handsome and thoughtful. FFS!

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

Need aside from the moral issue the reason I don't want to be an OW is that I want a playmate at weekends and to go on holiday with. Mr American's weekend phobia would render him undateable for me. If he's wooing you that hard though it will be difficult. I'm a sucker for a poem from a handsome man... or I would be if I ever got one!

Smeaton totally. Have you progressed to more dates in place of messaging?

[User0000]

Hello everyone
New to this thread and its given me some hope to my dating future. Wish id read it sooner!
Ive f*ed up i think, been dating a fella and got a bit carried away in the moment. 4th date was a film at his and i slept with him. Yesterday this was. Was quite normal afterwards and lighthearted. He said that he was trying to be a gent for longer but he was too horny. Which i thought fair enough. But ive not heard from him since. I feel like an embarrassment can anyone offer some advise other than to keep my knickers on in future.

[AntiGrinch]

User, if this was only yesterday, why do you think it's a disaster that you haven't heard from him? (would he normally have been in touch by now?)

I don't think that keeping your knickers on is necessarily the key btw. Others on this thread have talked about guys whose goal is to shag & run will shag & run whether or not they shag you on date 2 or 27. I do not know if this is the case but this is what the experts say.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Grinch it's a hard situation. I am one of those men in the same boat. I work full time, raising a 2 and 6 year old. I dont get and financial support of My ex. My ex see the kids every second weekend of which I'm am often working anyway due to my shifts so I can't benefit. I am contantly knackered and lucky if i see 1 hour of non kids tv a week. Often the (perfectly natural) expectation from women is that I can meet at the drop of a hat (to suit their scheduals). But I can't, everthing has to be planned round work, the kids and friends/family who can baby sit. I feel double cursed because most women my age who would want to date have kids and therefore free time limited and so do I. Thus the opportunities to find time where we are both free at the same time is very difficult. I must admit that is partly why in the past I have stayed away from monogomus arrangements. By doing so and having a few fb and/FWB I have been able increase the chances of someone being when I am (sad I know).

[1DAD2KIDS]

My ex live 2 hours drive away

[AntiGrinch]

Yes you get it 1DAD!

I have realised there is another thing I don't like about dates trying to find extra spaces to insert themselves into: I am not a game player.I am really direct when I like someone (and quite proud of it as it's learned behaviour I've deliberately chosen as opposed to being coy and cagey as women are often "supposed" to be). It disappoints me if I say "I'd love to see you and the next available time I have is x" that they don't realise - I've just given them MY VERY NEXT SLOT because I REALLY WANT TO SEE THEM! instead they're looking for sooner as if I've being coy and elusive, and I am so not.

[User0000]

Anti that does make me feel abit better. I mean we r both adults and if i want to have sex then it shouldbt be a big deal but it feels shit when u think something has made them back off after it. I would hVe usually heard from him by now. And i was the last one to have messaged last night. We established before we met weeks ago that he was holding out on a relationship before he got back in the new year from travelling for a month so it was never meant to be serious as such but still. Should i message him tomorrow if i havent heard from him if so what do u think i should say?

[AntiGrinch]

User0000 - depends what you want! If you were being totally honest what would you say?

[User0000]

Well im happy with casual and if it goes further when hes back then kl. What i want to know is what his deal is. I just like a bit of directness like sex was good, see u again Monday or whatever. Hes been keen to see me up until yest. No clue what makes a man have sex and then ghost.

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

0000 never feel embarrassed about having had sex - it takes two to tango! Given that he made it clear he didn't want a relationship then I'd say leave it, no matter how hard that sounds. Never hope you'll change someone's mind by being utterly fabulous. It doesn't work. If a person isn't in the relationship zone then he or she isn't in that zone and you have to listen and believe what they say I'm afraid. It gets easier with practice and not getting over-invested at the beginning.

[AntiGrinch]

Ok, when you contacted him already, what did you say?

If I were you I would say pretty much all that although maybe in a slightly more flirty, polished way. I'd send a message that gives him charming openings to be honest that either: yes, I'd be up for that again as a casual thing; or: you're really nice but you know what, I'm not looking to meet again for various reasons. If you "just want to know his deal" (so would I!) you have to give them bright and breezy ways to say no thanks without feeling that they're being a cad. So don't act wounded (although you don't sound actually wounded - is that right?)

[User0000]

Yeah you are right. He said he basically wanted fwb situ until he goes away so surely that would mean more than once! I always assume it was something about me he didnt like and is now put off.

[Graphista]

I agree with the it doesn't matter how long you make them wait, if that's all they're after that's not going to change. Mine and friends experience.

No not met him yet but we were making plans to meet (or so I thought - and it wasn't just coming from me or him responding to me).

God why is it so bloody hard?!!

[PhoenixMama]

Anti I am so with you on the feminist rant. My exh only has my dd 4 days a month and right now half that time his partner is taking care of her not him Most guys don't get it, some try, but I don't think that being in someone's thoughts is ever a bad thing. Remember your reaction isn't to him per se but the situation. It's like I try and enforce with my dd 'I love you, I don't like this behaviour.'

Couch Surely if he gave you a list of dates it's your responsibility to respond and let him know when you can do? A guy that's trying to drop you doesn't ask to reschedule most of the time He doesn't sound like he's trying to get away from you to my ears. Be patient!

Love Step away from looking at who's online. If you're only there to see if he's there he may think you're talking to others so he can/should. Either you want some other irons in the fire or you want to trust him and see where it goes. You can do it!!!

Graph I totally agree with Been I'm afraid. I'd be pissed if I told someone things were crazy and the next day they sent a 'Do you still like me' message. If the situation is as serious as it sounds like then send a message like 'Hey just thinking of you. Let me know if I can do anything!' and then don't send ANY more messages and cross your fingers he gets back to you. You need to look at yourself with that level of neediness. Is OLD the right thing for you right now?

I'm still stunned hurt that I was ghosted by Mr Keen. I now have to believe that everything out of his mouth was total shite and even guys who seem like they like you, make an effort and want to go out with you don't. I mean how are we supposed to operate like that? Maybe he reads this and saw me ask you all about his small package! Ignoring someone is one thing, blocking them is something else. Probably married and when he realised he wasn't getting anything quickly then he bailed. Guess I'll never know.

Mr Irish is in Ireland and still chatting now and then but not sure when he's back. Says he's still up for going out but I just can't bring myself to believe him.

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

Graph you're way too invested for someone you haven't met. I know you won't believe me but he is a stranger. Sadly the chances are that when you meet you won't click and you cannot love someone you haven't met. You just can't. You can feel infatuated with the person you think he is but the brutal truth is he's nothing more than the character in a book you've read. The one you think is amazing until you see the film and wonder how the hero could possibly look like that. Honestly, just focus on finding someone near home that can be a real boyfriend.

[PhoenixMama]

Been You are on a freaking role today!

[Graphista]

phoenix and been thanks I appreciate the honesty.

Phoenix I like the text you suggested and will maybe send that later when he's finished at work.

Torn between a new lease of life and 'am I ready to date?' I've done the Fwb thing and don't have any issues with that, but then the guys I've done that with have all been honest if they don't want to meet again and I've been honest with them.

But dd is now barely about and I'm bored and lonely and want some fun! Not just sex but someone to share stuff with.

[AntiGrinch]

Been, you really are on a roll - I love this

"brutal truth is he's nothing more than the character in a book you've read. The one you think is amazing until you see the film and wonder how the hero could possibly look like that."

I do actually think that how a person behaves on text / online / in writing / on the phone is really important, and part of the relationship (relationship of whatever kind!) I have a lot of friends and family I don't see all that often and love to hear from them in other ways - I know some people are very "real life or nothing" and I'm not like that.

On the other hand - it isn't real till you've met. It is an odd thing that is true of everyone but, realistically, only really apparent in OLD dating, that - no one really looks like the photos of them. When you know someone in real life you are able to see "them" in the photos of them (or most of them! There is always the odd weird one). But it's kind of partly your memory of a living, breathing, 3D person who speaks and smiles and frowns. when you have no real life frame of reference, it's just a handful of images and they don't really mean very much. It's very odd but you never really "see" the person till you meet them. (also really interesting how your mental image clicks into a different gear when that happens)

[AntiGrinch]

Thanks Phoenix, that's fair enough!

[1DAD2KIDS]

The main thing in any situation for me is openness and honesty. I don't like playing games, smoke and mirrors. You would like to thing we are all big and ugly enough to be to handle the truth even if its not ideal. As I explained before me and my FWB are very open that way. She has hold me that ideally she would like a relationship and I have been clear it wont every be like that because she is a good friend but she is just not what I see in a long term relationship. I value the fact that I am honest with people and I love it when people are honest back. Sadly this buisness is full of game play.

There is nothing wrong with causal things and are fun. Plus often quite suited to a busy single parent lifestyle. But as you know after experiencing a whole spectrum of different things I am looking for something long term and conventional.

On that note the other night I did message contract about going on a date. She sent me a long message back to which I'm not 100% sure of it meaning. The short of how I interpret it is she really like me (most genuine and nicest man she's ever meet, seriously she used the word ever). She would love a date. The but being she thinks we should just be platonic friends because she doesn't want to dump me again when something proper comes along. So the way I read this is she still thinks I am after a casual things and she after a proper relationship. She says in her message we want different things. But does she know that I am now looking for something serious and I would like to give her a try? (a little secret, you know my rule of never taking fwb on holiday, I was going to take her away when we used to see each other because I sort of fell for her a bit, but she moved away before then). Do you think I have read this right? If so should I throw caution to the wind and say no I want to see you in a serious capacity?

[AntiGrinch]

yes I think you should!

[SpringtimeSun]

1dad definitely just tell her.
You said yourself you're not interested in the game playing so just bite the bullet and tell her.
Nothing bad can happen. She doesn't see you as relationship material just now....if you say something that'll either change for the better or she still won't (for some other reason) so go for it.

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

The whole thread's on fire today. I have so much work to do too. Thank god I'm not in the office!

So true Grinch. People tell me I look just my Mum and nothing like my Dad and vice versa. I think we see mannerisms and hear vocal tones, and even sayings or family words, that chime with us or scare us and that kind of embeds our view of the person. I take little notice of photos these days (other than the animals or objects therein for elimination purposes - I got a tiger cuddler in my inbox the other day...) as they only bear a faint resemblance to their pics. I'm very much into the whole person too including how they write and chat on the phone. I need it all!!