The Dating Thread Number 122: Colour By Numbers

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Chaosandmadness ghoasting is common (from a male perpective women do it all the tome too). I don't really have a system or do anything about ghoasting, it's like water off a ducks back for me now. The system I really have is I only really reply to their replies, I won't keep trying to initiate new conversation is they don't reply to my last message. I have become quite stubourn on that front.

I suppose there is a lot of reasons for it I appcept it as just part of old, despite frustrating. I find some people after some time spontaneously pop back up an initiate conversation after some time. I suppose a good explanation would be other irons? Makes seen to me. How do you say to someone I have a few irons on the go at the moment and I can't do them all at once so your in a queue?

Thanks for the perspective, Phoenix. Yes I guess this has hit lots of kind of nerves I guess. I guess, if I am allowed to go on a feminist rant, I get frustrated with men who have children who think their lives are the same as those of women who have children. My ex doesn't provide materially and nor is he the resident parent (which I do NOT want him to be). Which leaves me doing a lot of working and a lot of parenting. I guess there are some men who do both but not that many. Women seem to instinctively understand that "fancy a pint" is laughable in a way that men just do not. and THIS is what gets to me - that is isn't laughable to men because on the whole they spend a huge proportion of their lives doing what they damn well like (huge relative to women, in general) I would LOVE to have a life where the idea of a quick unplanned meet up for an hour is not insane and impossible. Fucking love it.

Maybe that's unfair to talk in terms of classes of people like that, and maybe I should be talking about my ex and my friends' exes specifically. but that's how I see it right now.

I don't think ghosting is down to OLD per se. I think it's just modern dating full stop. I was ghosted by an RL bloke I met in a bar - we'd been on a few dates but luckily for me he was in the 'very beautiful but thick as the proverbial' bucket so I wasn't too fussed. He emerged several months later as though nothing had happened (horny I expect) so I took great joy in clambering onto my high horse and telling him how ill mannered he'd been and that I don't accept people like that as friends or anything else. I think it's part of the social media age and the distance that a keyboard creates that makes people seem so disposable.

Grinch well he found your nerve and trampled on it!! This is where I feel the whole FWB-but-not-a-relationship thing flounders as one party tends to want a bit more than the other and a tension develops as one party ends up disappointed. I've been disappointer and disappointee and dislike both roles. I think a lot of women might feel guilty when they're in the disappointer role but I just feel deep irritation towards the poor bloke trying to please me, see me etc.

It's not unreasonable for him to see if you're free and I've flown off the handle before when I've said I can't do ABC and then a few days later up he pops to see if I can do ABC. Sadly for people like me, where we mean what we say, a lot of people are more flexible and might actually be free for a spontaneous drink so people check. I find that opening up my life to anything other than a heavily boxed-in FB scenario invites stress and irritation and I'm far too good at irritation. Go figure that my relationships flounder...

Grinch I get where the irritation stems from. I'm main carer and live out in the sticks with few friends to rely on for childcare.
The thought of being able to drop everything would be bloody amazing! But I can't and so when I'm expected to I get unreasonably irritated!

Update - after my mega stress yesterday morning we spent the day together and had an amazing time. Lunch and dinner together. I did mention very briefly and light heartedly my concern which he was fine with and understood.
Got back to the exH being a totally dick as he thinks he found my OLD profile. Which he did but not giving him the satisfaction of confirming it. Now he's going to make it really difficult for me go out. And I'm annoyed with myself because he wouldn't have found it if I hadn't of been stupid yesterday morning and unhid my profile and forgot to rehide.

Oh Purple you've got one of those exes . it makes it such hard work.

Anyway glad you worked through your blip. Do you know what you'll do next time you blip? other than NOT going online

Need your help guys. So agitated about the guy I was involved with. We were talking/texting every day for 3 months. He does have a major stressor in his life at the moment (not relationship related) and said on mon he wouldn't be so available next few days. I played it cool on that initially, but then text asking if he was still interested on Tuesday asking if he was still interested.

I've heard nothing since. I've seen he's been online on site I know him from (not OLD) but nowhere near as much as he usually is.

I want to know where I stand, partly because if he is still interested I don't want to be in the wrong by 'cheating' but it feels like I'm in limbo and I hate it.

Yes I'll be sad if he's no longer interested but this not knowing is much worse.

Men on here especially - how do I get him to answer one way or t'other cos frankly I just need to know where I stand.

Grap I think if he doesn't reply to your messages then you should take it that he's not interested, he's obviously had time to go online so would have had time to send you a short message answering your question. He can't expect you to wait for him to make up his mind. I know how you feel though, it happens a lot, would be so much easier if people were just straight with each other .

Mr Mountain is still confusing me, last night he sent me links to a few holidays he had found online, looking at prices to go to a destination which I said I would like to visit and saying 'maybe we can go next year?'. So he's planning way ahead yet he's still on POF possibly talking to others. I wish I could stop the over thinking .

Right am catching up on this thread now am not migraine addled... Been ah yes turtles... you're still cute though!

Anti I second the feminist rant... but hope you're feeling good today. And maybe think about engineering a time for yourself when you can have some unplanned time for you. Can only be a good thing.

Purple just to point out... what the fuck has it got to do with him anyway?!

1DAD2KIDS I have said exactly that to irons; that I'm talking to various people and it's too much for me to handle and so to do the decent thing I'm honouring the dates I've set and hope we can meet in future although if I mega click with someone they can bypass the queue I think that's fine? I told Mr Vegan to his face on Tuesday that I was seeing a few people and had feelings for someone else and didn't want to mess him around. I did it nicely - I think it's a fair thing to do. Interested what people think though?

So after texting me at least twice a day for weeks and enquiring where I've been when I don't text him either on a morning or eve Mr HNL hasn't messaged me since yesterday lunchtime after he cancelled our hook up so sexually frustrated. I think the FWB boundaries have gone awry. He's made noises about liking me apart from the sex which has confused things for me but I can't take him at his word; I don't know why. Plus for me, I think I like the sex and attention but not sure we're suited... he's so cultured and sophisticated and I'm SO NOT.

Please tell me how to play this. I shouldn't text him right?

Been yep one of those which is where a lot stems from. I've deleted my profiles so I'm not tempted when I blip and I need to try and deal with it better. From my irons point of view I dealt quite well with it so that's good!
He also told me he was worried I might not want to see him yesterday either. We had a 'what are we like' laugh after that!

Graph the not knowing is a killer. But I'd say that if he has a lot going on then it might be that dealing with a text from you asking if he's still interested when he told you that he might not be available for a few days is just a bit much to deal with. Have you sent any other messages since? If not then I'd probably send a light and breezy one with an easy question that he can respond to.
When I'm stressed I tend not to answer messages but do go online to try and switch off a bit.

Love that is planning well ahead! It would make me happy and scare me senseless all at the same time! How many dates have you been on?

purple we have only had a couple of dates which is why I don't really take much notice of the planning ahead stuff as I know it probably won't happen. I would like to thank no that he really likes me and wants a relationship but who knows? If I could have a superpower it would be to read men's minds , it would make OLD so much easier.

Couch yes, exactly. It has nothing to do with him!!

Why did MrHNL cancel? If he makes you feel uncomfortable then leave it. As he cancelled it's his responsibility to reschedule with you so I wouldn't do anything until he texts you!

Love I think having that superpower would still give us more questions than answers as I think men go with the immediate rather than over analyse. We'd probably be left thinking 'WTAF'!
How do you know he's on POF still?

He said he had a work meeting at 5pm and has been saying for a day or so that things have been ramping up at work. Plausible but this is probably why it's too early for me to OLD as I'm only 2 months out of my marriage where my ex was having an affair for 6 YEARS so presumably have some trust issues even though I feel fine. Anyhoo... he doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. Nervous maybe because he's such a silver-tongued devil but not uncomfortable.

I know this is like high school... HOWEVER... advice needed. When he cancelled he gave some specific options of when we could reschedule for (it wasn't just "will look at dates and let you know") and whilst it is his responsibility to chase up even though I'm steaming hot mooseburgers I don't want to come across as being in a huff. What if I messaged him this evening saying hope all's well, I'm away this weekend (which I am) so maybe chat on Sunday eve?

Graph if I understood you correctly on Monday he says I'm going to be busy over the next few days so will be around less. You know what's keeping him busy and are cool with that. The next day, Tuesday, you send a "are you still interested?" message. If that's the case then I'm afraid it seems needy and insecure which would be very irritating under the circumstances. To be honest I'd have been very peed off in his shoes - sorry. Maybe send a bright and breezy "just thinking about you and hope all's going well with XYZ project" text and hope you've not done too much damage. If you need a good morning or good night text then tell him next time. For now give him the space that I think he thinks you were giving him...

purple my profile was still on POF but I had hidden it, I pop on there every couple of days and he has been online. I have now unhidden my profile. I don't really want to be on there but a part of me wants to know if he's still on there (maybe he's doing the same? Or maybe he is talking to other people?). I feel it's too soon to have the exclusive talk.

Thanks for the views on ghosting. I don't believe in second chances so on to the next one I guess lol

Love a definite no to that superpower. It would probably be so disappointing as we'd hardly feature! We'd be tuned into his mind and get pissed off because he's been thinking about having a crap, where's my phone, ask for a pay rise, paint the kitchen, todger, driving an R8, placing a bet, having a pint, paint balling, the missus. We'd hate it!

He has said he goes online to relax and he's not even really been doing that. I've not sent any texts since tue.

Suggestions for a light breezy text would be VERY welcome.

When we first started talking he did say timing couldn't be worse really but he was still very keen and we were initially talking or texting all day every day. I didn't expect that to last of course but it then dropped quite sharply, have discussed previously and he's said 'it's not you its me' not to take it personally etc, then things seemed to be going ok again for a good couple weeks then this vanishing act this week.

He's given me a potentially very plausible reason which could make me seem like a real bitch if I doubt the veracity of this if it's true and him a total bastard if it's not.

Argh! So yea - light breezy texts people?

I've thought along lines of 'what you up to this weekend?' Which would previously have been totally normal for us, but I'm worried may sound off if u say it now. Ditto 'how's your week been?' Also if the thing he's told me is true 'how's your week been?' Is awfully insensitive.

Sorry that's all so vague but any more would massively out me. But happy to give more info by pm if anyone interested enough to try n help.

Thanks for replies and time and advice given so far.

Couch did you get back to HNL on any of the specific dates he gave for rescheduling?

Just to add I like your honest approach about your queue of irons. If someone gets huffy about that sort of stuff better to find out before they matter!

Been thanks. Your approval means a lot as guru of OLD! bows
No I didn't reply re: the dates. He said he was having a manic day so didn't want to burden him with trying to sort a date there and then... just said "No worries at all, it sounds nuts. Let's plan it another time. Best things come to those who wait winky face" Mind you one of the dates was this evening. Should I send a breezy text tonight with some options for dates, you reckon?

I'm not sure I'd send a text graph. You've messaged him on Tuesday, he's not replied so I'd say the ball is in his court and wait to see if he gets in touch. It's frustrating though isn't it?

In general (and this is something I need to keep telling myself) if someone likes you and is interested then they'd move heaven and earth to let you know. They'd be wanting to talk to you & not leave you hanging/ignore texts.

Thank you but you couldn't be more wrong Couch if I were a guru I wouldn't be here - I'd be lounging in the arms of my perfect man living off the fat of my book deals! I think we're all good at different bits so the hive mind really is the best of everything. I'm very good at standards so sifting profiles, first date interviews and taking no crap. Then I bond (which is horrifically fast). At that point I'm a needy wreck full of self-doubt...

It's honestly gone from wanting me to go meet him (hundreds of miles away) and saying he loves me and discussing some quite deep things to...this! I mean wtf!

But... I joined the thread because if he's not interested I think I would like to start dating others and I don't want to be so vulnerable again.

I agree with the 'honesty is the best policy' in addition to a clear conscience it also weeds out the jealous/possessive types - which I cannot be doing with.

Hang on Graph have you met him? I'm obviously having a very slow morning as the thread's moving faster than my brain today...