The Dating Thread Number 122: Colour By Numbers

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Hiya hope it’s ok to join discussion
How soon would you say was to soon to start dating again? After long term relationship?
Been with an incredibly abusive man for years and finally free but I still hope one day il meet a decent guy as I’m still young. Is there any hope of finding a gentleman ?

Been Yes I met Mr Irish last week. He suggested another date this week and then didn't arrange and is off to Ireland tomorrow. Mr Keen's msgs turned a litttttttttle bit sexy after we met so I've just sent a "I''m not looking to jump into bed really quickly" message so maybe he won't be so keen when he knows that lol. (Did that thing where you feel like you have to say something but then afterwards feel like you did the wrong thing...)

My lover and I have been together for over 3 years on and off. There has been more kissing in the past but not a lot. It always makes me think of Julia Roberts at the beginning of pretty woman lol! The sex has been incredible in the past so I'm not willing to write him off just yet!

Love I think you're overthinking it. I walk away from my messages all the time, could be nothing but life stuff and tiredness. Also I'd ask him if its bugging you this much! PP had a great suggestion of can I call you at XYZ then at least you've put your worries to bed.

Justsmile I'm sorry to hear about your abusive ex. How long were you together? Are you having counselling? I think you really need to learn to be kind to yourself without a man before jumping back in...

Ooh Love do you feel you're settling with Mr Mountain?

As for Mr RL being a rebound XH2 was a less of a rebound and more of a gentle reach from XH1. It was about two weeks... I already had a really good relationship with XH2 by the time XH1 and I broke up so all of the ground work had been laid and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. We got 14 really good years under our belt and one shit year!

A lot of people do the hard emotional stuff while they're still with their partner, slowly detaching, so once they leave it's more about breaking a habit rather than getting over betrayal or whatever it is. Could Mr RL be more ready and suitable than you're giving him credit for?

just welcome to the dating thread. It's hard to say if you are ready for dating, I started dating almost straight away after splitting with my dh but our relationship had been more a friendship for the last 3 years. I then ended up in another relationship with someone I met on POF, it ended last Christmas after he became abusive and was cheating on me. I started dating again a month after but I am finding it much harder, I'm not sure if I can trust anyone again or if I can actually fall for someone as I'm scared of getting hurt (and I ruin things by overthinkin).

Online dating is hard work, you need to be prepared to meet someone who seems perfect and then for them to vanish or turn out to be someone else. You need a thick skin. Sometimes I'm not sure why I put myself through it

Been I do like him, I tend to go for older men, though it hasn't really got me anywhere), I usually pick the wrong ones. Mr Mountain doesn't seem like my usual type, he seems pretty normal, we have a few things in common but he's not 'wow' if you know what I mean. I could easily have a relationship with him. I think my main issue is trust and I'm not sure if I could trust anyone off of POF after my last relationship. I think I'm just paranoid about them talking and dating other people (my ex carried on chatting to other woman for the whole year I was with him and cheated with one of them). I guess I go for older, less good looking men as it feels safer.

Mr RL is tricky, he's not really my type and his marriage has ended for a reason (both his fault and hers), he is 'kitchen worktop' material but not relationship. Plus there's the problem with him being a close family friend which could make things awkward. He's obviously still very upset about splitting with his wife. Last night he was telling me how sad it all was and then he said 'we need to go on a date to get to know each other better' .

Sounds like your caution with Mr RL is spot on then Love. I have massive trust issues but men I've met in RL are just as likely to have PHDs in fuckwittery as online ones in my experience. I'm the constant in that equation... the good ones don't get a second glance as I rush past them and head full steam ahead for the bad boy that drips sex from every pore. I'm trying to change!

@Phoenix you are absolutely right, I am totally over thinking it! I think I am looking for something to go wrong actually. Feel like I don't deserve something as good as this appears to be! Thank you, you have helped a lot! Xx

Thanks for the advice and hand holding....Had another date with Mr. America....asked some questions about his weekend and he enthused about the time he spent with his youngest daughter...it sounded very convincing.....he spoke about his divorce and the impact it had on his kids....seemed totally genuine.....date itself went really well and there was some kissing....he asked to see me again in the week and when I offered a weekend night he said that's when he sees his daughter.....it's all plausible (I think?) so have agreed to see him for coffee in the city during lunch....

Phoenix hate it when the chat turns overly raunchy.....chatting to a few guys on tinder and lots of them have started sexting which I am not interested in....

Ok to just jump in? I haven't read the whole thread but will try to.

15 years single but have been dating/having 'fun' at times.

Wasn't really looking for anything but ended up in a... Situation but now think I'm being ghosted.

But while that's hard and sad and hurtful it has made me realise I would actually quite like someone.

But not really sure where to start? I've tried OLD in the past and found various problems with it - mainly guys after only one thing! But pretending they want more.

Oh Need how strange. So he has his daughter every single weekend and his DD's Mum doesn't see her? .

Welcome Graphista - wow, 15 years mostly single without much OLD . Brace yourself for scammers, twats, fuglies, players, potatoes holding fish, chumps astride motorbikes and the odd decent one with his own teeth, no wig who really is the height he says!!

Feeling fed up this morning. Mr Mountain not really messaging as much, I don't know what to think but am obviously overthinks by everything. I m not sure if I can handle only seeing him once a week and not knowing what's going on in between. When we first got chatting he said how he's self employed and can take time off work when he likes, I have today off work but it seems he is busy working, I'm working at the weekend so won't see him then so could be almost 2 weeks before I see him. I'm greeting mixed feelings, I'm just waiting for him to vanish and find someone better .

I'm not really talking to anyone else, Mr RL is not really a contender, Mr Lost messaged me last night but that was the first time in almost 2 weeks and he lives way too far away. I might have a look at tinder, I need someone to take my mind off of Mr Mountain so I stop looking at my phone.

Love can you say to him that it would be good to get a date in the diary as your schedules aren't the same. It sounds like it will be necessary to plan ahead if you want to see each other. I speak as someone who is self employed, and just because I control my own hours and workload it doesn't necessarily mean that I can take time off without planning for it.

The person I dated in the summer tended to work evenings and weekends and to start with I did sometimes meet him on a weekday but I found myself resenting it because I worried about getting my work done.

It sounds like you feel unsettled if you don't have the next date set up and you think you might not see him for a while. I think that's understandable. Can you explain to him that you need to plan ahead due to your work and family commitments? Maybe at the end of the next date suggest a time that would suit you for next time?

Need it might be worth clarifying whether he sees his daughter all weekend every weekend. If so is that OK for you or would you be better to let this one go?

Love I'm possibly really overthinking, but I'm sad as well and preparing to see things fizzle out. Hate this feeling.

What’s going on Purple?
*
Love* I think this is one of those occasions where you have to just ask for what you’d like. How many dates has this been & have you DTD? If it’s more than 4 dates then I think you just have to say that you’re looking for a relationship & seeing each other only once a week, in the week isn’t enough for you & you wonder what he wanted.

If it’s less than 4 dates & you haven’t dtd then I think you are massively overthinking and you need to line to line up more irons!

Purple it's a horrible feeling isn't it? It's making me question if any of this is worth it. I have been online dating on and off for almost 3 years with one relationship in between (a bad one), I have been ghoasted so many times, had people mess me around, vanish and then come back, I just expect it now but doesn't stop me feeling anxious.

Phoenix it's only been 2 dates so I do need to try and relax and not over think but we have DTD (maybe I should have held out but couldn't stop myself). He's still messaging me quite a bit but taking longer to reply and something just feels different. My account on POF is hidden but I have been on there a few times and seen he's online, I want to unhindered my account but I feel weird about him seeing im online and me seeing him online. I could just use Tinder and other sites but I rarely get a date from Tinder (only Mr Lost). I'm not sure if I'm really in the right place to be OLD at the moment and I'm tempted to take a few months off. After the first date with Mr Mountain he did ask if distance would be a problem and we both said it wasn't, now I'm thinking that it might be a problem.

Phoenix Have had 5 dates and another quick unplanned one where we bumped into each other.
He came over to mine yesterday, that's huge for me and a major deal. We were meant to go out but ended up spending the day in bed. It was lovely. He left mid afternoon as my DC were due back from school.
Up until last night we'd be texting all night.
Last night be told me that he wanted to chill and didn't want to text.
We were meant to be getting together today and I've heard nothing. He hasn't replied to me good morning text which he normally would fairly quickly.
He knew how big a deal having someone come into my house was. And more importantly he knew my thoughts on ghosting after DTD and my concerns.
He's moving house (rental) in 10 days. I know this is stressful and he had some news about it which added to the stress.
I also know I'm focusing on the negative bits as apart from the lack of texting he hasn't given me any other reason to worry. He told me in advance he was feeling like he needed to chill and it was nothing to do with me.
If I see him today I will gently mention how I feel. But I have no idea if I will.
I'm also not sure how long to give it before arranging something else today as if he is going to ghost me I can spend the day by myself.
Sorry, a bit of a rambling post!

Love it's horrible. Why is it that it's when you've DTD? I know men and woman see it differently. But by doing that I've opened myself up to extra hurt.
I also feel the same as you about going vs j on the sites. I've been off for 2 weeks but went on Tinder last night to try and distract myself. I want to go back in POF but don't want him to see me on there! But frankly if he messes me around today that is exactly where I will be!
My problem is the more I get messed around then the more I will struggle opening up to future irons. Perhaps that's the key..!

Okay, he's text as if nothing is bloody wrong asking if we are still on for today.
Is it me?! How can I stop this stupid overthinking? But I am a bit pissed off.
Will still mention it as I need to. Do you think that's a good idea? Or will I come across as totally insecure.....

Purple so sorry your going through this too. I'm not sure why men do this, it almost feels like they want to get us into bed and then once they have succeeded they back off or disappear. It annoys me that people can't be honest, I hate being messed around. Mr Mountain hasn't disappeared, when I left his on Sunday he told me to message him as soon as I got home, we chatted as normal that evening but since then things have started to change a little and chat has got a bit boring and he takes longer to reply.

Purple were you expecting to be seeing him daytime or evening today?

If you don't hear from him by midday or he calls off today then I think that's pretty shabby behaviour from him, and personally I wouldn't continue with him.

It's a tough one purple, I think you should mention it, see how things go today.

I am going to try and keep busy and not message Mr Mountain, yesterday I messaged him first so today I'm not going to bother, will see if he messages me. He rarely messages me in the morning, I don't usually hear from him until he finishes work unless I message him and he's not busy at work. Right, I'm going to get myself dressed and try and keep busy.