The sentence that ended your relationship

[OhHolyFuck]

Sort of a taat, but reading sosos grammar school thread and it got me to thinking

When ex-dp and I were 'trying' (i.e. I was doing the pick me dance/hysterical bonding and he was sexting everything with a pulse and lining up his next victim girlfriend) we had a conversation about celebrities we'd like to be

I said various people for their attributes and then he said he'd be Peter Pan - when I asked why he said 'because I don't ever want to grow up, it's boring isn't it?' and it was a 'scales falling from my eyes' moment - I had morphed into this boring responsible dowdy mum but thank god one of us had because he was simply never going to take responsibility for anything

Every letter he didn't take back to school that I'd had to fill out, every time he was late for work, every time he lived off microwave burgers and spent 20 hours a day gaming - it wasn't me, it was him looking to be forever 16

So what was yours?

When we were meant to be having a trial separation and I asked if he was planning to see other people and he paused and said ‘well I’m really busy with work right now but at some stage there comes a point where it’s not morally unacceptable to see other people’. I realised he was already half out of the door and I was there hoping we might’ve been able to salvage our marriage.

This thread is a bit triggering for me...there were so many along the way that I just put up with. So rather than type out a single word of the selfish, abusive bile that he can produce on autopilot; Im going to post sentences that helped me realise I could and should get out in case it helps anyone out there still surviving verbal abuse at home

From a friend at work I spoke to about how he had stopped me applying for a secondment : 'I hope your husband is sometimes nice to you'.

From a neighbour who heard him tell me to come inside NOW to start dinner ' why can't he cook his own dinner?'

From a friend that I confided in after he'd been particularly vile: 'you have truly shocked me you have to get you and the kids away from that'.

From a relate counselor: 'he sounds abusive to me. Can you find a copy of (Lundy Bankroft)'.

“It’s what men do”

'You didn't really want to do that did you?' said to me immediately after the last time we had sex. It was the realisation that he had known I didn't want to do it but hadn't stopped but had made sure he finished before he acknowledged it.

Me: "You aren't happy are you?"
Him: "No".
Me: "We should split then"

In that moment I realised I was also unhappy (he had depression/anxiety and refused to get help) and I knew I didn't even want to try and improve things.

Very glad it ended as I'm with a wonderful man now who treats me better than I could have imagined.

We both know you bruise easily

hard to even type those words.

Anna

"If you really love me you'd fight for me" ...his exact words when I confronted him about the OW.

"If you don't cancel your friend coming for dinner, I'll show you what a cunt I can be."

When I went to write a card for our wedding anniversary and I couldn’t think of anything nice to say to him because he was constantly being awful to me and the kids. Less than a few weeks later he said he was unhappy and wasn’t sure he wanted to stay married to me. Turns out he was having an affair all along.

Despite all that I did 6 weeks of pick me dancing when he admitted to the affair and he had moved back in under the guise of trying to work things out (he wasn’t at all, he was still carrying on with the affair) but less than two weeks later he said he had to leave again because he was “living a lie”. The only lie was that he was a decent husband and father to our children.

Wow feel a bit silly posting this after reading this so perhaps being very overly sensitive. Dp and I are scheduled to get married in 3 months and I have been under severe family stress which has triggered weight gain and severe eczema flare ups. In fairness I have gained quite a lot of weight over the last year or so due to constant cortisone treatments and anti depressants. Today I asked whether he finds me attractive and he hesitated and said no. I had been battling tears all day and finally broke down and he ignored me and walked away to watch sport. Am I being unreasonable in questioning how we can start a marriage when that isnt even there?? We still have sex semi frequently min once a week but isnt attraction the base of that or am I being naive?

After 3 years together, a year and a half of that living together;

‘Would a life of coming home to me every night and curling up to watch a film be horribly unfulfilling?’ (All he ever wanted to do was sit around at home and watch films)

He answered ‘yes’ immediately 😔 probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said I think, because it wasn’t said with the intention of being hurtful, he was just telling the truth.

@Rosecat22 I think that is when the words are the most hurtful...did it end your relationship?

@hopeless25, yes, absolutely. He’d told me a week earlier that he didn’t see a future for us together, and we broke up, then had called me in a panic saying that he’d fucked up and that he’d made a mistake and he really wanted to try again and build a better relationship and fall in love again.

He said the above statement 2 days into ‘trying again’. It was over the second he said it

When exh told me i couldnt drive the new larger family car and i should squash me and the kids in the small old run around. Why? Because i only worked 30 hours a week. If i wanted to be lazy i should deal with the consequences.

I replied yes dear, went upstairs and started planning my exit. I was sure i was right when i accued him the same week of having an affair (i knew) and he said my paranoia was breaking our family apart and i needed help.

He currently lives with the ow who h0e has been with for over 5 years. Weve been seperated (divorced) for less than four.

Told the sick minded bastard to leave when he asked me how the sex was between me and one of our children. I still cannot fathom why and how that thought could enter a husband/father’s head? What kind of man accuses his wife and son of such an act? He was reported to the police and social services. He disappeared off the face of the earth for a few months only to reappear filing for divorce claiming lewd language as one of my unreasonable behaviours. He is now fighting for the half of everything through the courts.

Red flag popped up when he said "Do you have a picture?", when I told him I had a half sister who is 20, whose mother is black. I went icy and tried to tease me saying it was a joke.

Two months later talking about a Zambian friend: "Do you have a picture?"...

Flame for him died instantly.

Today I asked whether he finds me attractive and he hesitated and said no. I had been battling tears all day and finally broke down and he ignored me and walked away to watch sport. Am I being unreasonable in questioning how we can start a marriage when that isnt even there?? We still have sex semi frequently min once a week but isnt attraction the base of that or am I being naive?

hopeless25 don't marry him. I think attraction can wax and wane during a relationship and can be affected by all sorts of things, but to say that to you in such a cold way and then just walk off to watch sport is not the action of a kind and caring man. You deserve much better.

@Hopeless25 please do not get married to this excuse for a human being. This will be the rest of your life. And your DCs lives if/when you have them.

Leave now. While it's still relatively simple.

When I challenged him as to why he hadn’t replied to my message (sent from my hospital bed) wishing him a Happy 20th Anniversary, he replied “because I didn’t think there was anything much to celebrate”. That was the day I knew the marriage was dead.

The sentence I knew was the end of my marriage was when my xh said to our 9yr old 'tell your mum she can wait for her tablets, I'm not her fucking servant.' I was in bed with pneumonia and pluresy.

Me: "I don't like that you shouted at me. I don't think there's ever a reason we should shout at each other. Do you think it's okay to shout at me?"
Him: "it's your own fault for asking stupid questions"

That makes it sound far more black and white than it was. We were in the middle of an argument, he was overall a very nice guy, but he got a bit nasty at the end. It's so tiny compared to other people's, but I just sat there and though "no, you know I hate shouting, and I don't want to be with someone who can justify it particularly by shifting the blame on to me!"

It took a couple of weeks I think and like a lot of them, he was surprised and confused and assumed I had met someone else (). Still happily single over half a year later - I didn't need someone else to be happier, I needed to be out of that relationship.

Another red flag after the fact was his total lack of understanding why I'd end the relationship if I hadn't met someone else. I think he thought there was no way I could be happier single.

This is chilling. I recognise a few phrases on here from xh but the final one was simply "it's not my job that makes me unhappy."

The "it's you" was unsaid but so obvious it just flicked the switch I needed.

This had followed months of him being insanely critical of me, disinterested in anything I did and generally contemptuous.

It is hideous living through a dying relationship and I'm so sorry for anyone going through this now.

"Of course I'm not paying for webcam sex, I can't believe you would even think I would do that to you. Don't you trust me?"

Obviously he was. Then I stayed for 5 years like a mug. But the minute I knew he could lie to my face (with a guilt trip on top to stop me asking questions) was the minute our marriage died. I wish I had left then rather than flogging a dead horse and making myself ill for years

When he said —-“why don’t you just ignore me” —-after me finding out he was still in touch with his married affair partner, sending her lovey dovey messages, leading her on, and lying through his arse to me about it (for the 10th time). And I did. Forever.