HELP

[melminx]

MLS HIS TEXTED HE LOVES ME HIS SORRY HE WILL SUPPORT ME AND KIDS. asked him if his stexted her and his just replied yeah to tell her to leave me be and that his sorry. just feels so raw.

iohw lol

he was texting her last night and this morning just checked bill online

I'd text her myself and tell her what I really thought of her tbh

But that's not helpful or constructive so ignore me!

Sorry!

she wont answer her phone neither will he his phone his in my name on my contract thinking of cancelling it now

they spoke on the phone for 42 minutes

his a liar and i hate him

where does she live?

have they ever met?

do you know where he is now?

{{{{hugs}}}}

dont know where she lives know where he is

Oh I just don't know what to suggest I'm really struggling to find the words

I know you don't want him to see you in a state - but perhaps he should so that he can see just what he's doing to you?

At least if you get him to come back and speak to him you can make some progress one way or another. And you can ask for explanations, reasons, evidence that it's definitely over etc etc.

He has a lot of explaining and making up to do. And you need to know everything before you can start to think about what decision you want to make.

Alternatively are there any friends or family that can come round or you can stay with? Then maybe you can tell him no contact for a week or so and to give you some space / thinking time? Let him stew for a while?

(My only worry here though is that you push him closer to her. But at the same time if that happens then it will happen regardless of what you do - he really has to put you first now and cut off all contact with her... but only he can do that.)

How are you now?

Melminx - have just seen this

Hope you're bearing up ok. The news about his mobile bill isn't good. The evidence is certainly mounting up. It does sound as though he's got a lot of explaining to do.

I second all the advice given on this thread. Try to avoid doing anything rash, especially when you're in such a higly emotional state. Try to pin him down to a time to talk things through. Today's going to be hard - you feel all over the place and you don't know what to believe. Take a few deep breaths, cuddle your lo and try to put him and the issues to the back of your mind until such time as you can sit down with him and get his side of the story.

I think I remember that you've been in this situation before with him - is that right? Has he done this in the past? Did it go any further? If he has a history, then this is certainly the right time for you to make him realise that you won't put up with him treating you this way. It doesn't have to be a threat to leave - a separation of yourself from him can be in the mind as well as in the body.

Certainly start thinking about how you would cope on your own, maybe make arrangements to give yourself as much financial independence as you can. I know others have said this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage and I would support that but that doesn't mean you can't have a back up plan.

You can't expect yourself not to be a "pathetic jibbering wreck"! You're not that anyway you silly thing It won't hurt for him to see you cry but make sure you keep your position of strength - maybe say you need to take a break from each other (can you go to a friends/relatives for a few days or ask him to?), tell him you need time to think about where you personally go from here and so on.

Sorry I've jibbered on Hope you're ok and keep posting. You'll get loads of good advice and lots of virtual hand-holding xx

Maybe you should just try to take a step back now melminx. Just to calm down a little and get everything into perspective.
Don't give him reason to turn this around on you.

So, take a big dep breath and step away from the phone no more texting or trying to phone this 'lady'

You need to speak to DH face to face. Texts never come across as they are intended to. If you really want all this to work out, it will do, but it is going to take work from both of you to do it

i havent texted him but have just spoken to his mate for past hour and made me think maybe he just talked to her? maybe his telling truth and there is nothing in it. my head is such a mess but im not going to text him or phone him i need time away. My family are of no help dad is losing plot in his old age and not close to mum. As for friends got 1 round here but has perfect marriage so wouldnt a clue. they are really stuck up people round where we live that if you dont talk right or drive a merc and carry a louis vuitton and glow in the dark you dont fit in! he has texted me that there really isnt anything in it and that his not ignoring me but he has to finish the job to be paid going to keep checking bill see if it gets up dated.

Well no one can call us lot stuck up

You are doing ok. Maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. I think you will have to do that if you are to move forward from this.

Once you ahve everything straight in your head you can sit down and talk with him. Work out where you go from here x

i dont know if i can go on with him. his texted again there was nothing in it and i'll never trust him and maybe his right maybe i cant. maybe i should walk away now, i just dont know head hurts!

Oh melminx you poor thing Take a pill for your headache. Have you had something to eat? You've probably given something to DD already but do make sure you have something to eat, even if it's just a bowl of soup - your headache will only get worse if you don't.

It really is too soon to be thinking about leaving him - even if it turns out that you do split up, it's not a decision that can be made overnight. You need to think short-term here. I fully understand your point about not having any support nearby - I am in the same boat - it is pants isn't it?! Don't be afraid to call your friends - I'm sure you'll find that on closer inspection their perfect marriages aren't all that perfect!

If you really feel you can't call a friend, then you definitely need to get out of the house - go for a walk, go to tescos, sit in the morrison's cafe (they know me well!). Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Let your DD keep your spirits up - ask for cuddles, smell her hair, kiss her loads - you'll feel a little better even if it's just for a short while.

You're not alone, you really aren't xx

Melminx, why not sit down and work out the pro's and the con's of being with him. If he is generally a good all rounder then leaving him just beacuse you are scared he might betray your trust sometime in the future might be a bit rash. I can really understand how you are feeling, that scared of losing him you would rather not be with him in the first place. You are feeling really hurt at the moment, you need to be kind to yourself. Like Cashandcarry says, make sure you are eating and try and relax a little. Don't make any rash decisions right now. xx

Agree with Ifonlyhewould and cashncarry that's really good advice.

xx

thankyou everytime i read your messages i cry again. its so ggod knowing you wonderful people are their to talk to. i have tried talkingt o my friend but its quite obvious she is not interested having never been through get the feeling she thinks im over reacting. iohw your right im so scared of being betrayed id rather leave and not know anything about where or what his doing. Icant eat just looking at kids lunch made me feel sick. cant believe time is going so slowly. i know i'll be stronger in a week just want to forward fast a week! cant you really ever get pastt his and trust again? thats my biggest fear is i'll never trust again and if we work it out i'll push him away by not trusting him. the phone is on contract in my name so he was right in the fact that he couldnt hide it.

The trouble is melminx, you can't go through life running away from situations because you are scared of getting hurt again. Now, i'm a great believer in not cutting off your nose to spite your face and i do think that if you end this relationship thats exactly what you will be doing, you are calling it quits because you don't want to get hurt. But what if it's more painful having to live without a man you love? Then what if you meet someone else and he does something silly too. This is going to eat you up and destroy your life. I would say that you should also try to work on your own self esteem. You must be feeling really low at the moment. When you are feeling strong enough, why don't you just give your DH a chance to explain everything and give him a chance to show you how much he really loves you

This is heartbreaking. The amount of devastation a man can cause with a single act of selfish, thoughtless, behaviour.
The pain it causes, the mistrust, the heartbreak. Then theres the lifelong effect it has, the constant working at, overcoming, trusting again, the pain. And all the while, they just carry on regardless. Assuming it's all better.

Message withdrawn

iohw your advice is fantastic im so sorry you are in the situation your in your obviuosly very intelligent with a massive heart. have stepped back and had a lucid moment he is saying sorry telling me nothing happened and when i think of it his been home not out till all hours. offering to still support us i guess is he way of saying i want to be with you. or is it i need a place to fall back on? my head hurts and i feel like shit i want him texting/ phoning me and its hurting that he isnt keep thinking his talking to her. im not doing myself any good tormenting myself i know but how do you stop? good idea about getting out but its raining here so no where to go and ds 2 is a nightmare in unfamiliar surroundings. his has an op hopefully next month at st thomas's to have a cochlear implant.

dior i want to but can i? from what i have seen she wont let go she knows he was with me sunday because i texted from his phone and she replied ok then hun have fun. in my heart i believe him when he says nothings happened so why carry on texting knowing it hurts me. new text just came through going to read it

was him asking after kids

you are sounding much more positive now, thats good. You just keep that up! It sounds like he's just had a silly moment but like you say, he works hard to support you and tells you he loves you so he's not all bad is he You will get over this. It's very hard being able to trust someone when you feel you have been let down, but, like we can't take responsibility for their actions we can't expect them to pay for our insecurities. This is something that may not go away but you will learn to control. If don't want to push him away then thats just what you are going to have to do. Try not to think negative thoughts about him texting her, chances are he is probably not doing anyway so you will have caused you great pain for nothing. With a bit of luck he will have learned his lesson from all this and he won't give you anything else to worry about xx