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Original poster

Sweet bloody potatoes and DH attitude to cooking

170 replies

toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 06:58

I am currently feeling really pissed off with DH attitude and not sure if AIBU or not?

I got in from work last night slightly later than DH. I'd been to Tesco on way home from work to pick up something for dinner.I start preparing to cook this as soon as I get in as it's nearly 7pm. DH neither asks what I'm preparing nor offers to help make it. That's until he sees I've bought sweet potatoes and goes "oh, sweet potatoes?" In a tone that clearly indicates his displeasure at the fact. It seems like such a throwaway comment, but it triggered something in me and I responded he is welcome to make his own food if my meals aren't up to standard. This descended into an argument that basically lasted the rest of the nightSad

AIBU to feel so pissed off? I prepare 99% of the meals in our house, along with doing all meal planning and most of the food shopping. DH even had the frigging nerve to say during the argument that I always cook the same things!! I feel like I'm living in the 1950s right now and not even sure how I got hereConfused

OP posts:
WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 30/08/2017 07:04

Tell him from now on there's two choices for dinner: " Take it or leave it"
I personally wouldn't be pissed off I'd just say exactly that. I'd also make dinners that he likes from time to time and I don't really.
He has complained before I never make what he likes so he's welcome to cook himself on those days where he hates what I make.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/08/2017 07:09

YADNBU

Tell him to take over the catering if he is so fucking unhappy with it.

LEMtheoriginal · 30/08/2017 07:09

Let him cook

Cambionome · 30/08/2017 07:09

Why are you doing it all, especially as you both work? Confused

Calmly tell him that from now on cooking will be shared - you 3 days, him 3 days, 1 day both cook together or takeaway/go out.

Done. Deal with this now or it will cause massive resentment.

(Your thread title made me smile BTW!)

Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 07:11

It's just the utter entitlement of it that's boiling my blood. The assumption that women are there to cook the meals and then be complained too about what they makeAngry

I told him he can cook for himself from now on. Which means he'll live off super noodles and probably die of malnutrition.

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 30/08/2017 07:15

He dies of malnutrition- tough! I used to have this bollocks with my exH. Note the 'ex'.*

*not a LTB Grin

Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 07:16

Cambionome He does usually work longer hours than me tbf. I just happened to get home later than him last night. I don't know how it ended up like this tbh. He'll say he can't cook (although in his job he actually held a basic cooking club last week. Oh how I laughed)

It's the same with housework. He'll claim he can't see what needs doing. Because I can only assume having a penis makes dirt invisible to the naked eye. Therefore I do the majority of the sodding housework as well.

His sole contribution is going to workAngry

OP posts:
Cambionome · 30/08/2017 07:16

Excellent news about the dying of malnutrition!! Grin
Serves him right!

Cambionome · 30/08/2017 07:19

If he normally works longer hours than you then maybe he should only cook twice a week and can do a bit less housework.

Seriously, make a stand on this. Your relationship will never be really happy and healthy if you let this nonsense continue.

Veterinari · 30/08/2017 07:22

So what was his justification for treating you like a 1950s drudge? How does he justify you doing all of the work just because you have a vagina?

GrasswillbeGreener · 30/08/2017 07:23

Leaving him to it is probably a pretty good idea. When my husband started a job with a long commute I soon gave up on including him in meal plans - for any day he'd be grateful that there was something ready to heat and eat, there'd be 2 that he didn't want it but did something else, and 2 that he'd have been hungry on the way home and bought something already. So the normal deal is if there is something around I'll let him know, otherwise he can look in the fridge / pantry and do what he likes.

Unfortunately he hasn't improved over the last 8 years. I've been overseas with our now young teenage children, for 5 weeks, he's now away for 3. I'm discovering several staples that he didn't use (eg potatoes and onions) while we were away, and his idea of shopping on the day we got home (Saturday) was remarkably inadequate - immediately after he left for his conference, bank holiday Monday, I found I didn't have enough vegetables or salad to make a meal. He could at least have told me he'd finished the carrots!

All right, I should acknowledge he did cook Sat / Sun for us, something simple but adequate. Almost worse that it proves he can do a proper job just most of the time he won't???

mummmy2017 · 30/08/2017 07:26

Tell him to make a menu for the week.
Give him the budget you use, and say go on have a go, and see how bloody hard it is.

Oblomov17 · 30/08/2017 07:27

I get this, from time to time, off ds's. And it boils my piss. And I stomp off, with a "well if you don't like it, cook your own dinner".Angry
Cue meek faces for a few days!

GrasswillbeGreener · 30/08/2017 07:29

Hmm you've hit a nerve here :) No housework done, minimum washing up efforts. Had to clean the bath before I was prepared to use it, and my own standards are pretty low!

At least it wasn't like the last time I was overseas, when my father died. Having broken his collarbone a week or more before I got back, I found literally every cooking implement in the kitchen piled up used. It hadn't occurred to him to get our 10 yr old to help do some sort of washing up, and it speaks volumes that I'd automatically elected to phone another parent myself - from overseas! - to help get our son home from school till I got back!

paq · 30/08/2017 07:30

So you have ended up doing everything? What are you going to do to change it?

Copperbeech33 · 30/08/2017 07:31

if he works slightly longer than you, it is fair that you do slightly more cooking. tell him to choose 3 days a week which will regularly be his days, and you will do 4, he will nee to plan, cook and shop for his days. He might not know how to cook right now, but he will learn fast enough

TestTubeTeen · 30/08/2017 07:31

When you have both calmed down talk about this rationally and directly.

Look at both doing some cooking at the weekend that can be frozen and re-heated. Explain how you feel . If it isn't practical for him to cool because of his late return, establish that one cooks, the other clears plates, washes pans, wipes down.

Establish a list of chores for each weekend. If he knows his job is hoovering, he can just get on with it whether he sees the dirt or not!

He is in a bad habit groove. It will take some effort to get him out of it but it will be worth it.

Cailleach666 · 30/08/2017 07:33

Do you have kids OP?

OliviaStabler · 30/08/2017 07:36

His sole contribution is going to work

Could you employ a cleaner? Makes him see that housework is a job in itself?

I'd give him one week of you cooking only for yourself and see how he likes it. Am sure you wouldn't get snarky comments about the potatoes you choose to use after that Wink

Isetan · 30/08/2017 07:36

I feel like I'm living in the 1950s right now and not even sure how I got here.

This is how

I prepare 99% of the meals in our house, along with doing all meal planning and most of the food shopping.

You've enabled a selfish, lazy and entitled man, maybe it's time to stop.

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2017 07:38

You need to change this dynamic. It will be confrontational and unpleasant but surely setting up the next 20 years of your marriage is worth it? You can't accept bullshit like he can't see that it needs cleaning. Focus on actions, explain them simply , where possible make them affect him. He needs to cook and he needs to clean, if he wants to be in the family. And don't accept no for an answer.

AlltheGinJoints · 30/08/2017 07:39

Personally in your situation I'd have shoved the sweet potatoes where the sun don't shine op.

Sideways.

I also do everything as you've described but the massive difference is I'm a sahm and that works for us, I am shocked that you are both working and he is not pitching in.
Getting in from work at 7pm with DH sitting on his arse complaining about the menu just isn't on.
Do you have DC? How long have you been together?
If you don't have DC (and are planning to) then things will only get worse on the division of labour front.
You need to sort this man child out right now op.

Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 07:40

I have no idea how I ended up doing everything. I'm quite a bit older than DH and I think he perceives me as being the capable organised one who can do everything. That's the kinder assessment. The less generous one is that he's taking the piss.

I actually have fantasies where I wake up in the morning and he's already up cleaning the kitchen or something (he never gets up before 9.39am on days off or late shifts, despite the fact we have a puppy that most definitely does!) I think I'd actually orgasm if we were off work together and he ran the hoover over unprompted. He pathetic is that?

I need to talk to him about it really. We are both such terrible arguers though. Plus I enable his behaviour in a way. I'll happily play the stepford wife role for a bit, but then the resentment builds up.

I've read Wifework. I should know better. Ugh!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/08/2017 07:43

You have become his mum

kateandme · 30/08/2017 07:46

ok so in ratio terms maybe you should do more.but I don't think you would mind if he actually did SOME of the share.then cooking might even be a nice thing to do for you both. but in him doing sfa he is then just making you bitter and angry
I see how this borke the camels back.
now what to do?
talk.honestly.dont let the argument simmer.tell him you need his help.ask him to do certain thing.can you come up with a list of what needs doing then share it.obviously perhaps you still have to take on more.(might have to suck it up as times haven't changed that much yet hehe) but at least he doing something.so you feel supported.
if he says he doesn't see it or soemthign doesn't need doing tell him it only doesn't because you do it! he doesn't notice because you do it.
so get a list and ask him for help.
tell him your struggling and its making you angry over the little things. your breaking because of the build up.and reasonably so.
in yourself now with this anger remember why your angry don't let your head tell you all these stories and start circling other things and creating more hype deal with the right now if you can.thining of all the other crap your angry buot or that hes not doing will only cause you more trauma not him.what can happen right now.

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