Sweet bloody potatoes and DH attitude to cooking

[toweroflearning]

I am currently feeling really pissed off with DH attitude and not sure if AIBU or not?

I got in from work last night slightly later than DH. I'd been to Tesco on way home from work to pick up something for dinner.I start preparing to cook this as soon as I get in as it's nearly 7pm. DH neither asks what I'm preparing nor offers to help make it. That's until he sees I've bought sweet potatoes and goes "oh, sweet potatoes?" In a tone that clearly indicates his displeasure at the fact. It seems like such a throwaway comment, but it triggered something in me and I responded he is welcome to make his own food if my meals aren't up to standard. This descended into an argument that basically lasted the rest of the night

AIBU to feel so pissed off? I prepare 99% of the meals in our house, along with doing all meal planning and most of the food shopping. DH even had the frigging nerve to say during the argument that I always cook the same things!! I feel like I'm living in the 1950s right now and not even sure how I got here

Yes post his blog . Why should you be so worried about getting his back up? You should be angry and shouting him down. Text him and say 'so you're sorry are you? Not enough to help I see. Let me know when you mean something you say -words are pretty, actions count. So long as I'm left with the cooking and the dishes and the washing while you update your blog it won't really matter what you say.

And who gives a damn if his back is up.

I have a copy of Wifework RandomMess and have informed him he can be found nestling within its pages.

Ironically he gets on pretty badly with his mother and was raised very harshly by her. You'd think
It would make him
more appreciative of a caring, supporting partner but apparently not!

"Ironically he gets on pretty badly with his mother and was raised very harshly by her. You'd think it would make him more appreciative of a caring, supporting partner but apparently not!"

This man only ultimately cares about his own self and sees the housework as not important enough for him to want to do. He sees that as your role.

I am not altogether surprised that he does not get on with his mother.
After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Like mother like son. The rotten apple did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his own family of origin.

The article that BaDumShh posted is well worth reading for your own self too.

Well time for him to read it then!

He needs to totally and utterly take over a chore such as menu planning/shopping/cooking or the entirety of the laundry.

I gave DH food first because the children would demand feeding and he loves eating plus I didn't want my clothes wrecking! TBH he now dies most of it and I am surplus to requirements

He left all the dishes and the washing. You can too. You've got better things to do, just like him.

Don't touch it!

Personally, I'd experiment. Have a silent observation on this one. Leave it all. Say nothing, do nothing. See what happens. It will reveal his underlying beliefs and motivations. Eventually.

It's not so much that I'm worried about getting his back up timeisnotaline More that I know he'll just say I'm being childish etc and it will have no effect at all. In fact any sort of aggressive texting will have no real effect.

It's probably best I speak to him face to face. Although I'm that angry right now that I fear I might punch him.

Argh, I am having flashbacks to the frustration!!

I think you can try

• Talking calmly to him to get the message across
• Trying to find an analogical thing that will get the message across in another 'language' that he understands
• Showing him how angry this makes you
• Showing him how upset this makes you

HOWEVER, if all the above fail you need to recognise the clear message: He Does Not WANT To Hear You. He does not place value on your emotional reactions when they are weighed against his free time.

I wasted 15 years on a relationship because I refused to recognise the above and kept on beating my head against a brick wall, so I speak from bitter personal experience.

Obviously people have not read your appliance instruction books;
Washing machines, ovens and hoovers are fanny operated!
Barbecues, TV remote controls and playstations/Xboxes are penis operated!

ikeadyounot that is what is scaring me right now. We've had a million conversations already about him pulling his weight, but nothing ever changes.

Feeling quite bleak about it right now. I might add a pizza to my huge bag of crisps. So much for my fertility friendly diet

HahaElinoristhenewEnid it's so true. It's difficult to combine handle the washing machine when your penis just won't allow it

Probably because washing up dirty pots is less fun than putting away clean dry stuff.

Don't do the pots unless they are yours.

There's a pattern of learned and enabled uselessness here that you're treating as an isolated problem, when in fact, it says a lot about his character and what he thinks of you.

If you think he's a lazy fucker now, you wait till you have a child with him, he'll regress further and yes, he can and will get worse.

It's time to step back and look at the bigger picture because this is who he is and and it doesn't sound like he gives a fuck.

Putting up with more of this crap has sunken costs fallacy written all over it.

OP

I stay because I want a baby.

I stay because I hope he'll change (even though I know deep down he won't).

I stay because I'm scared to start over.

I stay because I love him Isetan and I'm hardly going to leave my marriage after three months.

I'm actually very grateful to those sweet potatoes. They have opened my eyes and I will proceed accordingly. I just want to take some time out to be seriously pissed off first!

"Putting up with more of this crap has sunken costs fallacy written all over it."

Sadly, this was true for me. I only saw it after I left, though.

The thing that opened my eyes was finding a chat with a woman I considered a friend of both of us, in which he ridiculed me. At the time, I'd lost a tremendous amount of weight and was super-fit and healthy (I ran a 10k each day). The lack of dignity I was accorded, and the clear inappropriateness of the conversation, really changed my entire perspective.

I stay because I love him...and I'm hardly going to leave my marriage after three months

It takes more than just love for a relationship/marriage to work.

So much for my fertility friendly diet

So, first you marry a man-child and carry on being his 'second-mum'
Knowing that he is NOT a supportive partner and has no respect for you - you plan on having children with him?!!!!!

I swear some women bring it on themselves!

PLEASE don't do the dishes.

Basically he's saying fuck you, my time is more important and valuable than yours.

He. Will. Never. Change.

He doesn't even pretend to care.

I'm hardly going to leave my marriage after three months

What would be the prime time to leave your marriage? Surely it is better not to waste any more time with this lazy bugger than spend another few years crying into your potatoes?

More that I know he'll just say I'm being childish

What if he does?

The fact that you don't want to text him about his intentions regarding the dishes and laundry because it would get his back up is concerning.

Are you scared of what getting his back up involves for you?

What are his good qualities? What does he do to show he cares about you?

I'm not scared PickAChew. I just know the aggressive pissed off texting approach doesn't work. He'll listen far more if I approach it calmly.

I think asking him whether he was intending to leave the mess for you to clean up is being perfectly calm. Whatever approach you have taken so far clearly hasn't worked because he's still not pulling his weight around the house and is being petulant about the meals you cook.

I know my approach hasn't worked. This is why I want to sit down and discuss it calmly and rationally.

He expects me to rant and rave. It's like white noise to him at this point. Therefore I'm hoping that the opposite approach will work. If he would like to remain married things will have to change. It's as simple and serious as that.