Sweet bloody potatoes and DH attitude to cooking

[toweroflearning]

I am currently feeling really pissed off with DH attitude and not sure if AIBU or not?

I got in from work last night slightly later than DH. I'd been to Tesco on way home from work to pick up something for dinner.I start preparing to cook this as soon as I get in as it's nearly 7pm. DH neither asks what I'm preparing nor offers to help make it. That's until he sees I've bought sweet potatoes and goes "oh, sweet potatoes?" In a tone that clearly indicates his displeasure at the fact. It seems like such a throwaway comment, but it triggered something in me and I responded he is welcome to make his own food if my meals aren't up to standard. This descended into an argument that basically lasted the rest of the night

AIBU to feel so pissed off? I prepare 99% of the meals in our house, along with doing all meal planning and most of the food shopping. DH even had the frigging nerve to say during the argument that I always cook the same things!! I feel like I'm living in the 1950s right now and not even sure how I got here

Well in that case, I think you just need to tell him 'I feel really low, I need your help to get through this. So, you are going to take over all dog-related arrangements, look after bills, cook three times a week and clean bathrooms weekly'.

It sounds like you're in not quite 'can't see the wood for the trees' but 'can't summon the energy to address the wood, for the trees' mode. That's understandable.

Of course he will have been upset about the miscarriage too and talking about that would be good. It doesn't sound as though he's as debilitated as you by the experience though.

However things go in the future, he needs to get into 'looking after other people' mode. If he wants to do that, he'll work out how.

You're certainly smarter than me to have realised what is going on at this early stage, so you might well come up with a better way of working through it than just splitting up!

In retrospect I can see that sometimes diplomatic discussion - not necessarily saying everything you are thinking, maybe a bit of ego-stroking - can work better than just blaming the other person and getting their back up. Difficult when you are pissed off, and maybe not to everyone's taste though.

The "ideal life" story here on Mumsnet seems to be that you carefully choose your partners, spotting red flags, dodging cocklodgers, uncannily recognising potential cheats and coolly, speedily LTB whatever your age or fertility until you find a proper partner who shares your values to start a family with.Few of us live up to that ideal, though. And that's not the end of the world.

Great posts Lottie. Totally agree with including all the 'thinking, planning and preparing' jobs too.

tower - I know what you mean, counselling is expensive. You don't necessarily have to go once a week, though. And it's cheap compared to the cost of splitting up. To be honest, after what you say about the miscarriage, it sounds as though you may need to speak to someone on an individual basis first.

What worries me is that you need to be cared for right now, and that doesn't seem to be forthcoming on a practical level from your DP. We can all make mistakes in the way we handle things at times, but there's a systemic problem with his attitude of putting 'play' first, which is meaning that you are overburdened with work. You said earlier that you feel far less of a fun person since the infertility issue raised its head - but I warrant that you'd have more time to relax and be fun if you didn't feel that you had the weight of your own organisational world on your shoulders on top of that. Of course criticism from your DP is going to send you off that edge in the circumstances.

lottie your suggestions are excellent. Thank you I'm going to do as you suggest about scheduling a meeting. I struggle not to fly off the handle when I'm annoyed, but I shall try my best as I know it doesn't get me any further forward.

I feel like we've both fallen into the mindset of it being my responsibility to do everything. So I'm going to make sure he's very clear on what are his responsibilities so he can't use his " I can't see what needs doing" argument on me.

I find the belittlement of my views the hardest to take. The washing up being a prime example. He knows I hate it being left until just before bed, but he'll still do it. It's his job to empty the bin, so it will literally be left until it is stuffed to the brim and stinking. Plus he'd never dream of disinfecting it. I can only assume that's my job despite telling him a million times

I don't feel cared for ikneadyounot I'd swop his endless hugs and I love yous for my dinner cooked and the bathroom cleaned any day of the week.

You sound similar to me. I am not interested in people saying I love you if there actions prove otherwise.

Their.

Exactly birdsdestiny I love you doesn't really cut it if you then spend the rest of your home time with your feet up on the sofa

Of course - because love is a bit meaningless if it doesn't translate into practical support, right?

I tried endless talking sensibly and calmly with my exP - it didn't work. At the end of the day, he just wouldn't accept that there was a quantum of work that HAD to be done, and that he had some responsibility to do it. Not saying that this means it won't work for you, though. Not all blokes are as unreasonable as my ex!

If it fails, I wonder if there is something that is meaningful to him that you can use as an analogy for the washing up/bin emptying, to make him understand how this makes you feel? For example, find something he hates to eat, and cook it night after night if necessary. Then, when he moans, ask him why he's complaining - it's food, it's edible. It will inevitably come down to his personal preference against it, which gives you the opportunity to say: "This is how I feel when you never empty the bin, or do the washing up early in the evening - I find it viscerally annoying. So I'll make a bargain with you. You empty the bin as soon as it's full and do the washing up before 8, and I'll cook something we both like to eat. If not, I will cook this"

Would that work?

I do hope it gets sorted and that some kind of balance is found op. It could lead to huge resentment and the breakdown of your relationship otherwise.

For example my ex husband was very much like your partner in attitude , he left everything to me. He went to work and did nothing more , I was a sahm but I still feel that to literally never put a wash on or even make me a cup of tea (while I did the school run for older dc and did everything for a baby as well as our dinners etc) was taking the complete piss. This is the reason he's an ex op. Too many years of this shit.

My df however , believes in doing his share , therefore he does. We take turns meal planning , cooking/washing up and we both 'notice' if a big job has been left for too long and we clean up together.

I've gone on a bit op , but I just wanted to back you up. He should do his bit.

I had this with my partner. We sat down and had a non-emotional meeting about all chores, cooking, etc. We brainstormed a list of every household task and frequency, and then worked our way through the list picking tasks we wanted to do one at a time. It turned out he did a fair few things around the house I didn't think of, or give him credit for, and we realised which jobs each of us absolutely detested and were unlikely to ever do (he is incapable of hoovering, I hate mopping, etc etc).
We also agreed to meal plan together each weekend for the forthcoming week. Half the battle with him not cooking is the inability to shop for it properly in advance, and gaze into the fridge in confusion. If he knows what day he's cooking and what in advance, it all works fine. Although he never criticises my cooking (some improvement suggestions are welcome but not in a critical way), so I didn't have that to contend with.

Also I've had to relax my standards a bit and be more flexible. If the price of not bickering over household tasks is a not so immaculate home, then so be it.

Good luck!

One way I classify tasks is could I very easily pay someone to do this? If all of his tasks are of that variety then he is just a menial assistant in the home. I didn't marry to have a menial assistant. I need someone who will plan meals not just purchase according to a shopping list. Someone who thinks about what our child needs next for development/ clothes etc. Someone who notices we are out of nappies, who can plan and pack for a holiday, who inputs to budget discussions and activity plans, who thinks about our life admin.

You are still talking as if things genuinely are your responsibility and he's some kind of moron.

The bin is stuffed. So? The bin stinks. So? Leave it. Leave the bin open with stuff piled up. Leave it stinking even as you have to hold your breath being near it. Say nothing, make no faces, drop no hints.

Force yourself to behave like you "don't see it" or "it doesn't bother" you. Basically, behave like a man.

There will come a point when it bothers him and he sorts it. Continue saying nothing. Remember you don't even see the housework which is his responsibility.

You are training yourself more than him. It is couple dynamics training for you both.

Oh and the other thing about having a menial assistant- if that's the role their actions say they are signing up for then they should do exactly what they are told all the time. Can't have it both ways- you plan it darling and i will jump to execute my assigned tasks. I plan it, i assign the tasks. All to you.

If you have children before sorting this out you will become a complete domestic drudge. Honestly, men like this rarely change.

Jesus Christ. I've just gotten finished work early and come home to discover unwashed dishes left in sink/on side from the morning. Plus none of the dried washing put away despite him having a four hour gap before going to work. He's there all night tonight, so I'll just assume it my job to deal with all of that then.

I want to cry

Don't cry. Call or message him and ask him did he leave it for you because he thinks it is your job or is he planning on doing it tomorrow. Make him say exactly what he expects so you can confront it. Obviously don't clean it all up!

Oh, love. You need to speak to him, sooner rather than later about this. You sound like you are really at snapping point.

I think once you get to that point, sometimes Mumsnet isn't all that helpful. It can make you feel worse rather than better, trapping you stewing in the situation or answering other people rather than giving you headspace. Can you get out of the house and go for a nice walk? Sometimes I find a change in scenery really helps to calm me down, which then helps with the difficult conversation that has to be had.

for you

Texting him that won't work timeisnotaline it will just get his back up. He text earlier saying he's sorry for last night, but it's all just words.

I don't get his logic. He's put some of the dried dishes from last night away, but left washing in the sink. Wtf?

ikeadyounot I've still got some work to do, so have to go out again shortly. Then I'm coming home to eat a huge bag of crisps and possibly ring my Mam for a moan. I'd walk the puppy, but it's bucketing down here today.

I see he did have time this morning to write a blog post though😡😡 That fucking blog!!!

You should post a link to the blog, then we can all comment "have you emptied the bin?" on every article he posts

Haha. Yes. He's always looking for more followers, so that would surely delight him

OP send your DH this article.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I might post that article on his blog as a point of discussion.

I wish he was as bothered about impressing me as he is about impressing his Wordpress followers.

Ok he's being a mysoginistic arse.

Buy the book "wife work" and force him to read it...

When I returned to work FT after a 6 year career break DH reduced his hours and amongst other things took over meal planning, food shopping and cooking. The only correct response for a meal prepared is "thank you"!!! I did have to speak to DH about including veg every meal as standard tbf.

I think counselling would be good as clearly TTC is taking its toll but he needs a total kick up the arse about the fact you are not his
Mother!