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Original poster

Sweet bloody potatoes and DH attitude to cooking

170 replies

toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 06:58

I am currently feeling really pissed off with DH attitude and not sure if AIBU or not?

I got in from work last night slightly later than DH. I'd been to Tesco on way home from work to pick up something for dinner.I start preparing to cook this as soon as I get in as it's nearly 7pm. DH neither asks what I'm preparing nor offers to help make it. That's until he sees I've bought sweet potatoes and goes "oh, sweet potatoes?" In a tone that clearly indicates his displeasure at the fact. It seems like such a throwaway comment, but it triggered something in me and I responded he is welcome to make his own food if my meals aren't up to standard. This descended into an argument that basically lasted the rest of the nightSad

AIBU to feel so pissed off? I prepare 99% of the meals in our house, along with doing all meal planning and most of the food shopping. DH even had the frigging nerve to say during the argument that I always cook the same things!! I feel like I'm living in the 1950s right now and not even sure how I got hereConfused

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/08/2017 07:46

'I told him he can cook for himself from now on. Which means he'll live off super noodles and probably die of malnutrition.'

Sounds good to me. Or 'Take it or leave it, it's not the 1950s. Everyone works and still has to do their part in life. Diddums.'

Give him a list of chores that are his to do. He doesn't do them, it doesn't get done, or do your and not his.

beachygirl · 30/08/2017 07:52

Just make sure your last piece of Wifework is getting him to sign up for life insurance!

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/08/2017 07:53

What was going with the sweet potatoes? {misses point}

I bloody love sweet potatoes me.

Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 07:55

He don't have DC. We've actually been ttc for 16 months now. We both have fertility issues though sadly and I also had a miscarriage two months ago which isn't helping my current state of mind. One of the reasons I've started cooking all the time is because I want us to be as healthy as possible. I think DH secretly resents it sometimes. I'm always on his back about not eating loads of chocolate/fizzy drinks/sugary crap.

We've been together nearly four years. Only married since the spring!

I've tried speaking to him about these things, but nothing ever changes, or if it does it's only briefly. I'm going to have to try again and be firmer this time. The idea of delegating chores to an adult male really bloody rankles though. I feel like I literally run and delegate everything as it is! It's exhausting.

Flowers for all those saddled with useless partners of their own.

OP posts:
Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 07:57

He suddenly doesn't like them MrsOverTheRoad It was news to me. He's never complained before.

OP posts:
Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 07:58

Haha beachygirl I would if he wasn't younger than me. He'll probably outlive me if I don't arrange an accidentWink

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 30/08/2017 08:02

You weren't....planning on having them alone were you OP?

Not that this makes his behaviour acceptable...but...a similar thing happened to me when I came home from work to find DH who'd had a day off prepping

"Potatoes"

For dinner.

I said "Is that it?" and he said "No...there's some broccoli in the fridge I think"

Fucking potatoes and broccoli!

I said

NO!

And ordered a nice Pad Thai.

Potatoes do not a meal make. Grin

I did apologise later for my mini meltdown. He genuiunely would be happy with potatoes and broccoli....so couldn't see the issue.

Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 08:03

Broccoli and potatoes. A meal fit for a king😂

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 30/08/2017 08:04

Sigh - XDH and I complemented each other perfectly, I was raised a martyr and he was raised to grab grab grab. In an odd way my unhappiness and resentment were very comforting - it's what I expected from marriage (at the time). My point being, you do have to be careful not to enable him, or you have to accept that you want to be in control of food but that means you're going to get this kind of reaction from time to time. Wait till you have kids if you want to really feel the pain of your loving creations being rejected by an ungrateful audience.

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2017 08:08

Unfortunately it's a painful process and you really have to not slack off on the reminders and colossally lose your temper after he slacks off. I went postal one night at mu husband because he hadn't hung up the babies bath towel after bathing him because we had talked about it and talked about it. It is not my job to follow him around and pick up after every household contribution he makes, im his wife and partner not his domestic servant.

Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 08:09

Actually PurpleWithRed there's a lot of truth in what you're saying there. I've always been used to feeling resentful and put upon in relationships and worry I'm just continuing the same cycle now. Food for thought (although not sweet potatoes obviously)

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/08/2017 08:11

Even if he was just planning broccoli and potatos mrs, if I did all the cooking and that's what I wanted that night that's what we'd have. If that was the only night he was cooking on the other hand then he needs to commit to a proper meal to be contributing to the house so you're not the only person who has to plan all the balanced meals for the family.

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/08/2017 08:15

Time I know. That's why I added that I later apologised for having a mini meltdown.

Ereshkigal · 30/08/2017 08:15

Had just a potato for my meal last night Blush

But was just for me, I'd obviously make a bit more effort if anyone else was here. It was a lovely big jacket pot with tons of real butter mmmm.

YANBU OP.

Ereshkigal · 30/08/2017 08:15

Had just a potato for my meal last night Blush

But was just for me, I'd obviously make a bit more effort if anyone else was here. It was a lovely big jacket pot with tons of real butter mmmm.

YANBU OP.

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/08/2017 08:20

Ereshkigal that's different! A lone, buttery baked potato has it's place.

In my stomach after work when there was someone to cook a nice curry or something is NOT it.

Neutrogena · 30/08/2017 08:21

OP - he never gets up before 9.39am

Why so specific?

Melabela10 · 30/08/2017 08:25

tje best thing is to batch cook at the weekends. You can involve him too.

Original poster
toweroflearning · 30/08/2017 08:27

I meant 9.30 am. It was a typo. Honestly though-that is the absolute earliest he will rise unless he's getting up for an early shift.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 30/08/2017 08:27

Why so specific? Presumably the alarm goes off at 9.40am?

I don't like sweet potatoes. So I just wouldn''t eat them, rather than criticising the cook.

Get this sorted now OP, otherwise you'll turn into a Stepford Wife or a seething mass of resentment. Your choice.

birdsdestiny · 30/08/2017 08:28

Do not have children with him. Every time he doesn't cook, clear up etc he is clearly telling you what he thinks of you, I am sorry.

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/08/2017 08:36

Does he ever suggest a meal he DOES want and offer to cook? DH never has a suggestion for our weeks menu. I ask him every week what he wants and he just says "I don't know". This week he mentioned in passing we haven't had a particular meal for a while so I said I would get the ingredients and he can cook it on his day off.
This is the first proper meal he will have cooked in months though. Partly because I have been on MAT leave and partly because by the time he got started it would mean eating at half 8 which I really don't like!

Doje · 30/08/2017 08:37

Talk to him. Ask him to do stuff. Say "I think it would be more fair if we shared out some chores. You plan, buy and cook the meals for Monday, Weds Friday, and it's your job to clean the bathroom every week". Be specific!

ikeadyounot · 30/08/2017 08:40

Please, please don't have children with this man. Managing all the food, and an entire house, and all the labour of childcare, as well as caring for a grownup man child will break the strongest woman.

You ought to be able to rely on your partner for cooking and cleaning. Not all men are like him - there are plenty who are capable, competent and caring. And even with those who don't start out capable and competent, they have the capacity to learn. If someone can learn to use a computer, or do a job, they can learn how to clean a toilet.

This situation you are in is deeply unequal and unfair. I'm genuinely concerned for your future wellbeing. The mental burden of having to organise everything is huge.

dogfish1 · 30/08/2017 08:52

You are not doing this lazy dude any good by behaving like a martyr, you are emasculating him. Tell him if the US marines can cook and clean, so can he. Sure, you shouldn't have to say this at all, but actually you will be doing him a favour by getting him to step up.
Am a bloke myself. His mates would not look on his current setup with admiration, if they knew the score.