Sweet bloody potatoes and DH attitude to cooking

[toweroflearning]

I am currently feeling really pissed off with DH attitude and not sure if AIBU or not?

I got in from work last night slightly later than DH. I'd been to Tesco on way home from work to pick up something for dinner.I start preparing to cook this as soon as I get in as it's nearly 7pm. DH neither asks what I'm preparing nor offers to help make it. That's until he sees I've bought sweet potatoes and goes "oh, sweet potatoes?" In a tone that clearly indicates his displeasure at the fact. It seems like such a throwaway comment, but it triggered something in me and I responded he is welcome to make his own food if my meals aren't up to standard. This descended into an argument that basically lasted the rest of the night

AIBU to feel so pissed off? I prepare 99% of the meals in our house, along with doing all meal planning and most of the food shopping. DH even had the frigging nerve to say during the argument that I always cook the same things!! I feel like I'm living in the 1950s right now and not even sure how I got here

If someone can learn to use a computer, or do a job, they can learn how to clean a toilet

I think MN should have a sticky where truisms such as this can be collated.

Wait, so you have a full time job but you also do all the cooking and cleaning because he 'can't cook' and 'can't see dirt'? Wow, he's really done a number on you, hasn't he? You're basically his mum, not an equal partnership at all. You shouldn't gave to tell him to clean, or vacuum, or whatever. You're an equal partnership and he should be able to see all these things as easily as you. He should at least be aware that it's important to you, and want to take on an equal share because it's fair. He is totally taking advantage of you.

I was you too OP.

The posts by people saying you're enabling his bad behaviour are pissing me off slightly - but probably because I feel like they're aimed at me and they are right :) I probably was a bit of a martyr - though in our case I worked (full-time) from home and he did not come home early enough to do the housework.

It's only looking back now that I realise I should have properly questioned the assumption that his job was more important, and that he had to work so much. I should have got him to sit down and had a proper adult discussion about it, instead of just occasionally getting pissed off.

As it was, after years and years of smothering my resentment and thinking that I'd chosen him as a partner and should put up with it, it was him that went off with another woman, fed up with having a wife who did not treat him like the great guy, incredible dad, sex god, scintillating raconteur and future high-flying professional he obviously knew he was. Fed up with a wife who spent her time cleaning and cooking and occasionally moaning at him.

Martyrdom gets you nowhere.

I don't work full time. I work 25 hours a week atm (sometimes more depending on needs of my organisation) DH works 40 hours a week.

I don't object to doing more. It's only fair when I'm in the house more often. I'm just so angry at the current situation. Tbf DH will Hoover/wash up etc if Im out for day and he's in. He's not totally useless. However if we are in together he wouldn't dream of cleaning without being told. His housework also goes as far as washing up/hoovering/putting clothes away. Anything beyond that always seems to fall on me to do. If I cook he will usually wash up, but not until right before bedtime which drives me spare. He rarely wipes the benches or sweeps the bits up off the floor though!

He's incredibly sheepish this morning because he knows I'm furious. He's working all night tonight and will be coming home to a freshly written cooking/cleaning tomorrow. I'm really annoyed it's had to come to this, but this situation cannot continue.

Cooking/cleaning rota that should say.

You sound eminently reasonable.

I think there are two things about domestic work: there is the mental side of the organisation, and there is the physical side of actually doing it. They are obviously related, but they are slightly separate. If 100% of the mental burden falls on one person, that is unfair. It takes up an enormous and exhausting amount of headspace to be the only one who remembers that the loo roll needs replenishing, that the bins go out on a Wednesday, that there's no bread for sandwiches tomorrow. You are currently doing all this alongside your job and other commitments; your DH is just doing what he is told in a routine. So yes, you need to rewrite the chore schedule, but you also need to ask him to take some time to notice the house around him, and to pick up some of the mental labour. You should not have to tell him to wipe surfaces in the kitchen as part of the washing up more than twice - why can't he remember this? If his boss constantly had to ask him to remember to do a core part of his job, would he think that was professional or fair?

Come on - this isn't about what's for dinner is it? It's about feeling connected, trusting, apprecaiative and ind to each other. Sometimes these things get lost and the feelings spill over into small things that take on significance. You both just need to clear the air and communicate a little better maybe.

Rota sounds like a good idea. But write it together. Get him to volunteer what he thinks a fair share looks like. If you do the rota for him, he won't be on board with it and you're still playing the role of mum.

*kind not ind

ikneadyiunot what you say about the mental burden is so true. This week so far I have called bank to change direct debits over to a new account, sorted out an inaccurate gas bill we were sent, booked puppy's vet appointment, booked puppy day care for friday, taken gas/electric meter readings and set us up a new savings account. DH has gone to work, played his guitar and written his blog. It must be bliss

I've actually used the work analogy myself several times with him. I don't know how to get past it though. How do I get him to take responsibility? It's like he doesn't take the hint at all. I can say "we need to open a savings account" half a dozen times, but that never translates into him thinking "I will open us a savings account" unless I specifically tell him to do so.

It's exhausting

I would just stop cooking for him. He will comeback with his tail between his legs in a couple if days.

That's a good point tinymeteor we probably should do it together.

Dadaist I cried when he complained about the food. I felt that unappreciated. He then went on to complain I'd over spiced the veg. I had, but only because I was that upset I was in tears finishing the cooking.

It's like he doesn't take the hint at all.
Then stop hinting and tell him what you are thinking.

The good news is that you've realised this in time to make some changes before you have DC. Good luck ttc!

It's good that you are realising this now, though. You still have a chance to see if you can come to a satisfying arrangement for you both before you do have children. In our case, like so often, it was only when the children were there and our roles changed that I realised he was 1950s Man. Tbh, in your position it might be a good idea to put ttc on hold for a bit now your eyes are starting to open.

My husband is fortunately very good on the domestic front, but all the admin is left to me.
After one exasperated discussion on the subject, I asked him when I became his brain? He replied"About twenty years ago!"

Tilapia's comment wasn't there when I posted :)

I had a (much) younger husband like this. It was like he could care for himself but literally could NOT see couple stuff. So he would cook a meal but not think that I might also be hungry or tidy up his clothes but not think to put mine away too. He also didn't 'see' dirt. It was like living in a student house after a while. And Then he left because it was' boring' having to do stuff when he wanted to be a free spirit...
Basically he married me because he missed his mum doing everything for him.

"I cried when he complained about the food. I felt that unappreciated. He then went on to complain I'd over spiced the veg. I had, but only because I was that upset I was in tears finishing the cooking."

Unacceptable! Unacceptable! Unacceptable!

I think the question here is: why on earth did you continue to cook for him when the correct response would have been to throw his dinner out on the lawn?

I honestly don't know how you get a guy like this to take responsibility. I certainly didn't find a way with my exP, who sounds very much like your DP. I tried everything - writing it down, cajoling, begging, getting angry, going on strike - nothing worked. I even tried promising treats after housework was done! You're not going to want to hear this, but what did make my life exponentially better was leaving him. It was only when I met DP, who does tons around the house of his own volition in spite of having a far busier and more responsible job, that I realised what a weight it had been to carry a man child on my back all those years. And everyone could see it but me! Even the old lady over the road, who I spoke to once a month or so, said "Oh love, you just did too much for him, didn't you we all thought so?"

Don't have an argument, have a meeting. As you would at work. Schedule it, prepare, discuss reasonably and politely, agree action, draw up action points. Meet a fortnight or month hence to review progress.

Your preparation includes drafting a full list of household tasks - including all the 'thinking, planning and preparing' ones (who plans holidays, renews insurance, changes utility supplier? Plans meals, checks the state of your store-cupboard staples, writes shopping list?). Include a rough estimate of time taken (be it weekly, monthly or annually) if you can. Be clear about which tasks are daily, weekly, monthly etc.

That's your basis for an informed discussion about who does what, allocated in an equitable manner (whatever % each in total, weekly and otherwise, you agree is fair).

Be prepared for him to dispute the necessity of some tasks, 'I don't care about this, so you can do it for your own satisfaction if you like, I'm not doing it'. That's not on. You need to agree what is necessary for a mutually acceptable household, as a starting point. But, imposing high standards on someone else isn't on either. You need to agree your household's shared standards. If you need something done a certain way because it drives you nuts otherwise, that's legitimate but you have to explain it. The benefit of a marriage over a flatshare is that you love each other and want each other to be happy.

I do tell him ravenmum what I mean is I don't want to HAVE to tell him every single thing that needs doing. Unfortunately just 'mentioning' what needs doing isn't enough, because he never takes the hint to bloody do it.

I don't know why I continued cooking tbh. I suppose I felt guilty because he was telling me I was making a fuss over nothing and wasting food. Even worse I swoppped his food to rice instead of the potatoes. I am a total mug/idiot.

I don't want to end my fledgling marriage, although I appreciate why people might suggest it. I just need things to change and this has been a serious wake up call.

I can't put ttc on hold. I'm in my late thirties with fertility issues. Time and luck are not on my side. It's more likely I won't conceive than will anyway. The fertility issues have not helped our relationship. I've definitely become a less fun and more uptight person over the last 16 months. I don't recognise myself anymore sometimes.

You poor love - totally understand about the fertility issues. Infertility is a mindbending thing to get your head around. You're not an idiot or stupid at all. If anything, you sound a bit too reasonable if you ask me.

To be honest, the infertility is all the more reason that your DP should step up to the plate here. I don't want to be all dour, but life is full of pretty negative hard times, and you need to know your marriage is robust and supportive enough - practically and emotionally - to get through those.

I wonder if something like couples counselling could help? It sounds as if your DP just isn't listening to you, that for some reason he can't 'see' you or 'hear' you in this. Sometimes having a third person present can really drive a message home in ways that can't happen between the two of you. Since you're both dealing with the emotional burden of infertility on top, it might be useful for that too. I think too many people see it as something you only resort to in a crisis, when actually it can prevent a crisis from being reached.

In fairness, sweet potatoes are effing vile.

If I were you I'd only do half of everything for a while - Hoover half the carpet, do half the washing up etc, he'll soon start to see it then. Mind you, that requires you to cope with a little bit of squalor for a while.

ikneadyounot Thank you for your kind words. They are much appreciated.

I've thought about couples counselling before. I actually think it would be really helpful. It's just a case of finding something we can afford. I do think it would be helpful though.

To be honest I'm so down about my recent miscarriage that I can barely get through the day. Somebody criticising my cooking and telling me to sort myself out is just too much to cope with right now. I just wish things were different.

Yes he's a lazy sod but if you don't change your contribution to your relationship dynamic then things will remain the same.

If you have doormat stamped on your forehead, quite a lot of people are going to wipe their feet on you. You say you're put upon in relationships but it appears that you are a pushover. Actions speak louder than words, a firmer chat isn't going to change anything, it's not that he doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't care.

A lack of boundaries invite a lack of respect.