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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally drained.

363 replies

LoyaltyAndLobster · 28/08/2017 20:13

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 04/09/2017 18:50

Sorry that wasn't helpful.

Charley50 · 04/09/2017 18:51

I mean, my wanker comment wasn't helpful.

Emmageddon · 04/09/2017 19:03

You need to tell your mum - and maybe even his mum, too - exactly what is going on in your relationship. You need people on your side and you need a support network in place for when the new baby arrives. Your DH sounds very immature, and it doesn't seem as if he has accepted he's a father, with responsibilities.

To all intents and purposes, you are a single parent. Please, talk to your family. Stop feeling disloyal to him. Put yourself first, you and your children are worth more than this, you know that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2017 19:06

Does it really make you life easier having him around? I can't see a single thing where your life is easier with him. Is there anything?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 20:05

@Charley50 - No we don't get invited to go with him.
@Zena1973 - Nothing happened I guess I just gave him too much freedom, he would go out and come back late/the next morning and I would never ever question him about his whereabouts.

He is being very annoying at the moment -His lit most of the candles in the living room just for the sake of it!! - when I want him here he is never here, and when I don't want him here he is here (now) I always watch television in the front room, we never watch television together as we don't share an interest in the same programs/films, if he is home he will go to one of the other rooms to watch what he wants to watch - this evening he is here in the front room, for what reason, I don't know! I told him to pass the remote, he has said that he is watching it in here tonight and that I can go in the bedroom and lay down and watch television (when he knows I don't watch television in bed, the only time I go in the bedroom is to go to sleep)

I have come in the bedroom and I don't want him sleeping in here tonight.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 21:16

He is getting worse by the second, telling you to go to bed

Answer honestly do you ever go out without him

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 21:40

Quartz2208 I'm not too sure whether you meant do I ever go out with him - the only time he is wants us to go out as a family is when there are parties or his family are holding gatherings - he knows I get anxious being around a lot of people, but I still go with him as I feel that it is only right.

I go most places by myself or with DS.

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 04/09/2017 21:51

Oh my word, just leave him your basically a single mum anyway!! Don't be scared to do this alone you are doing it alone anyway, he's going to be no help at all with a new baby so why are you staying with someone who doesn't care about you and your kids?
Do you think he's being faithful on all these holidays he loves to take without you? Doubtful.
What sort of husband and father would want multiple holidays a year without his wife and kids, I could understand if it was a weekend here and there for special occasions and the big holidays were together with you as a family but it's not, he takes you no where! He's using you, please leave him he will never be the man you want him to be. Tell your family what he's doing and tell his family too!! They would all be ashamed of him!

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 22:06

@GlitterSparkles17 - My mind is not emotionally strong enough to think about whether he is being unfaithful or not, I don't think about it.. also we are not married! If I do leave I'm I will have to wait until we move.

It is going to be hard enough to tell my mum, and even harder to tell his family they are such nice people and they would ashamed of him, I will not embarrass him!

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 04/09/2017 22:54

You need to grow a pair OP. You are being a door mat, you know it and he knows it. He will do anything he wants because you won't leave him and don't want to embarrass him, Why not!!!!! I am sure if his parents are nice people they would be ashamed at the way you and your DS are being treated,
You told him you were not happy, he doesn't care enought about either of you to try and improve things.
Tell your DM, ask for support and start getting your ducks in a row preferably before DC2 arrives. You can expect no help from him after this babies birth.
Can you go abck and live with your mum until you get yourself sorted?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 23:20

I could go back to my mums but I am not
going to, I will not allow him run me out of the house, this is where we live we shouldn't have to go and live somewhere else. My mum doesn't live anywhere near me so even if I was to leave it just wouldn't work out.

If things do get very tough for me when the baby is born there are opitions which I can think about.

All I can do for now is ignore him as I don't want to get into any confrontation with him.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2017 23:29

He can't? That is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard

ineedmorethanthis · 04/09/2017 23:35

It is broken - this is no relationship. This is not a good father. He treats you like unpaid help except when he wants to fuck you. How is that a relationship?

You and your children are worth so much more than this. You do everything on your own anyway, you can cope as a lone parent.

This isn't love. You said he didn't used to be like this. Sounds to me like he wants out of the relationship.

I feel like shaking you. You deserve so much more. I wish you could see this. This is a worthless relationship and it will never be the family unit you long for.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 23:56

If he wanted out of the relationship he would have gone by now, he never does anything he doesn't want to do.

I know I deserve better and my son and unborn deserve even better, I know that this will effect them mentally in the long run. He will be gone in a few days so I don't have to tolerate him for much longer, during the time he is gone it will give me a chance to think.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2017 00:31

If he wanted out of the relationship he would have gone by now, he never does anything he doesn't want to do.

Nothing you have described sounds like he feels like he is in a relationship with you. It sounds like he sees you as his housekeeper. That's the reason he hasn't left. If he left, he would have to do his own wifework all the time and look after the children on his own every other weekend. That's no good for a lazy fucker. He likes having the housekeeper.

He can go off and do whoever he wants whenever he wants in whatever country he wants. Why would he leave? That's a sweet deal.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 00:44

I guess you are right, I'm going to stop doing things for him.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/09/2017 07:17

I agree with runrabbit why would he want out. He does what he wants when he wants whilst living in a house you look after. I bet he does very little but tells everyone he does a lot.

Do his parents know he goes away, does anyone even his friends know. The reason is you are right it would be embarrassing for him, if he cared which he clearly doesn't.

You are telling your son that the two of you are second to his dad (I mean a taxi). When he is away look at the atmosphere of the house and how your son is and if he is more relaxed

SandyY2K · 05/09/2017 07:47

The relationship is very easy for him, so why would he leave.

I think you should reach out to his family for support.

He's also giving signs of cheating or just not giving a damn.

The fact that you say he won't bother with your DS if you separate speaks volumes.
Selfish people like him getaway with it because you let them.

I hope you make sure you aren't doing any stretching or heavy lifting with the move in your condition.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 09:59

He travels with his friends/cousins. My son suffers from anxiety, I am getting him the help he needs, my son is fine when dad is here he is most anxious when dad is not home, he was so happy when he took him to school yesterday morning, he said this morning that he would like if dad could collect him.

Yes and it's really horrible that he doesn't spend a lot of time with DS.

I didn't let him into the bedroom last night, he knocked once! as soon as I got up this morning he mumbled something then went straight in and went to sleep, he claims to have fatigue but I am sure he doesn't lay around whilst he is on holiday.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2017 13:07

Your son's anxiety could well be caused by living with a dad who doesn't care about him. Hence the joy when he got a crumb of attention.

He could suffer from cognitive dissonance if you are telling him that daddy loves him and you are a happy family yet what he experiences every day is the clearly the opposite.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 13:19

It will be his third therapy session this week, he hasn't yet opened up (which I think will take a while)

This can't be fixed can it? ☹️

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/09/2017 13:49

I suspect it is caused by the fact he has not idea when his Dad will be there and when he wont and a Dad who does not want to spend time with him

Truthfully no you cannot fix this, you cannot paper over the cracks for your children so they dont see what is going on. Think about how your husbands behaviour upsets you and then put that on a 6 year old. It will take him awhile to open up because he wont want to say what the cause is

He could fix it, if he wants to. At the moment he is showing you he doesnt.

How many weeks pregnant are you as well for him to be leaving

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 13:57

@Quartz2208 - We are not married and I am 7 months pregnant, maybe now you will see why I need him around more and why it's hard to leave.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 05/09/2017 14:23

Out of interest, why are you not married? Is this also something that he promised but didn't deliver on? Yet another way where he has shown that he doesn't actually care about you?

It must be awful for you coming to the realisation that you do not actually have any relationship or family life with this man.

What I will say is that you are really making HIS life worse by your behaviour. You have enabled a grown man to behave like a selfish child and that has not been a good thing for him. He is a weak man because he has taken advantage of you and that is NOT your fault, but you need to be clear in not helping/condoning him be weak. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, even if it goes against our nature. I can see that you have a sweet, kind nature, but just as one day your son will need you to be firm and set strong boundaries so that he can be confidant and grow into a good, responsible man, so does your partner need the same. A great relationship is made by two people who are equals. If you cannot believe in your own worth as an equal, you can end up almost forcing inequality. When you have had a good think and a chance to reassess about your relationship, perhaps you may really enjoy taking an assertiveness training course.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 17:11

@Haffiana - Why aren't we married... he did ask me and speak about it a lot before he changed, but I wasn't ready to make that commitment, marriage is something that I would have to be 100% sure about.

When I went to collect my son today from school, his teacher said he kept on getting very upset but he wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong, DP was in the house when I left to collect DS, when we got home he wasn't here. I really don't understand as he has been in the house all day, why wait to leave when I'm not here? I called him to tell him that DS had a bad day in school today, he asked me to put him on the phone to speak to him, after the phone call DS said "Daddy is coming home" which was around 45 minutes ago, DS is fallen asleep I am actually glad in case DP show.

OP posts:
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