Emotionally drained.

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

@AncoraAmarena - You can say LTB as much as you like, I don't have any plans to leave him unless he slips back into his old ways.

You can't "sort out" things with someone who isn't a reasonable person.

It took me 7 long years of being with EA exh to realise that. When my child was one and a half I had enough. Life is the diametric opposite of what it was before now.

Anyway. I guess you know how many chances you will give him.

@Squirmy65ghyg - Why did you split with him? and please be honest.

I hope your Son really is fine but in all honesty, I can't for the life of me see how that level of anxiety in a child could possibly be cured by a week or 2 of a Father being more reliable.

I also can't see how a man can suddenly make a change like this and anyone assume it's permanent. From the outside looking in, it seems like your husband knows exactly what to do to make you 'behave' and put you back in your place. For goodness sake he even has you lying to your own mother to cover for him, that is very very controlling behaviour, the kind of behaviour which isolates you from the very people who could be a major source of support to you.

I hope this isn't the case and he really has had a major personality change. And I hope you're all happy in your new home.

Because my child was starting to walk on eggshells, at 18 months old.

I didn't want him to grow up living in a house with an atmosphere.

@Squirmy65ghyg - I am sorry to hear that but it sounds as if your situation was a whole lot worst than mine, after that I don't think you are in any position to be judging my relationship and to be calling my DP unreasonable.

Loyaltyandlobster please dont minimise your son's behaviour - from what you have written here is by far one of the worst example of anxiety I have seen and that does not appear from nowhere.

The problem is you have plastered a festering open wound. He is like that because his dad goes away. He is better because his Dad is back - that does not solve the overall problem that you have with him going away. The fact that he is here and doing stuff is just going to make the next time even worse

Oookkkaaaayyy....

No skin off my nose OP. I got out, I don't live with someone "selfish" and "unsupportive" as per the OP.

What I am seeing is that you have lied to all your family that everything is OK and now you are trying to do the same to us on this thread. You are now making post after post defending your husband, saying that he is not abusing you and even claiming that your anxious child cannot be without him. However it is all lies, isn't it? You know it and we know it. How exhausting for you.

So here is my question. What can you do today so that tomorrow you don't have to get up and do another sad day of that dreadful dance of misery and pretending that everything is fine?

Because that is what is waiting for you. It is like an alcoholic. The first step is to say 'I have a problem'. The second is to say 'I DO NOT WANT my life to carry on like this'. When you can bring yourself to ask for help it will be given.

@Haffiana - Good evening not once I have lied on here, I have been completely honest and answered all questions, I have no reason to be dishonest to people that I don't know, this is the only place that I can be open and tell the truth. And I am grateful for the time you take out to comment on my thread.

DP (we are not married) isn't abusing me, yes I know he made me lie to mum but I don't see that as abuse.

Things are fine between us now, he is being more supportive and helpful and I will admit that I am scared because I don't know whether he is going to slip back into his old ways, him doing that and living alone with two children is my biggest fear.

If you do not admit that you need help and ask for it, then every day you will be afraid of how he will behave.

Being alone with two children will be far far easier than this. You will be free. Your energy won't be eaten up by resentment. You can stop pretending which is the most exhausting thing of all. Yes, you will have difficulties, but you -you!- will be able to deal with them your way, with all your energy and good humour.

This is a life surviving on crumbs from the table of someone who does not have your best interests at heart, who doesn't actually care about you. Tomorrow can be so different if you want it to be.

What was causing your son to be anxious?

DP (we are not married) isn't abusing me, yes I know he made me lie to mum but I don't see that as abuse

I can't get past this. You are in major denial in order to protect yourself. But by doing so you are leaving yourself open to further abuse. Your son aged 6 has severe anxiety that requires weekly counselling. His father is absent and detached emotionally. You can't/won't see the link.

The elephant in the room WILL come out OP, there will be safeguarding concerns around your child whether you face the situation head on or continue down that river in Egypt. This is such a sad thread to read and I wish you and your little boy all the best. Good luck.

Loyalty you seem like a good person who wants the best for your DC. Would you consider going to therapy yourself? To help with your anxiety? There is something about your posts - another poster mentioned it - that seems very flat. Not sad, not worried, not angry, just like you're kind of numb and you're dealing with everything in an intellectual way. Like all your emotions are under tight control. Is this what causes you anxiety?

You don't seem to want to be angry. You don't seem to be able to face any conflict. You don't want to embarrass your DP. There is something very closed and careful and controlled.

Your DP is back now and making an effort and it is like you are closing the door on all your past hurt as if it doesn't matter. We see post after post here asking 'can I move on from this?' 'how can I get over this?' but you seem to ignore the hurt feelings you must have. I would wonder if your DS's anxiety is linked to yours, or linked to this lack of emotion you seem to have.

Previously you said you don't love your DP. I wonder if you realise it's hard for DC to live in a home where their parents do not love each other. I don't mean living in a home with violence or conflict, I simply mean although everything is ok on the surface, they know their parents don't love each other. A home life that is lacking in moments of joy, essentially.

I suggest you have a read of M. Scott Peck's book People of the Lie. It describes a few situations where parents have brought their DC for therapy but completely can not see that it is anything at all to do with their home life or parenting skills. Although I suspect you will just say that your situation is nothing like any of those described...

Perhaps your DS finds it harder to pretend everything is fine when it is not. It must be difficult for him. Apart from school how is his social life? Or is it just you and him rattling around in that big house all day, afraid to go out? The two of you alone and isolated just waiting for DP to drop in so something different happens to break up the day? Do you have friends to call to who also have DC?

@Apileofballyhoo - I have been thinking about going to therapy I think I would benefit from it a lot. I don't get angry it's just an emotion that I don't have or maybe I just can't find it, you are right I don't want any conflict between me and him and neither do I want to embarass him, I feel bad for telling my mum and his mum about his behaviour, I shouldn't have done it, but what is done is done I can't take it back.

At no time during these 14 pages have I said that I didn't love DP, perhaps you have misread.

Sorry but I am not going to answer those questions regarding my son as it really has nothing to do with you. But I will say this since we have moved into the new house DS has went to bed and woke up with DP being in the house.

So sad

Loyalty you do have anger is comes across in a lot of your posts I just think you have learnt to not show it and keep it in. Something which is incredibly unhealthy. I think you have learnt to keep everything buttoned up for appearances and believe that conflict is wrong so avoid it at all cost. You see things as very negative and causing embarrassment

The fact is if his behaviour wasnt wrong his mum and yours would have known anyway - I think perhaps in future that is something to think about

@Quartz2208 - I think me being annoyed is coming across as me being angry, but there is a difference.

You see things as very negative and causing embarrassment

^^ you are right about this, and I still regret telling his mum

No there isn't annoyance is an emotional manifestation of anger. If you see anger as an emotion it can range from mild irritation to annoyance to fury. But it is still anger. You are angry at him and what people say. Then you focus on the negatives

I think you have learnt to keep you emotion in, that letting it out is negative and causes embarrassment. I think you are teaching your son to do the same. I think when he goes you both keep all the negativity inside and that causes the anxiety. I have seen first hand what can happen if you continue to bottle up your emotions and it caused a complete breakdown

I love DP and I also will simple reason he has given me my son and my unborn, I will never stop loving him, I guess the only thing I love about him is the way he looks... I'm not in love with him anymore.

Sorry Lobster I took this to mean that the only thing you love about your DP is his looks and you are not in love with him anymore. I agree that your son has nothing to do with me. It seems I touched a nerve though.

I hope you do get some help for yourself, I think it would be of great benefit to you. Though people often don't want to change and are in denial about their situation. You get very defensive about suggestions people make here. You can go to all the therapists you like but if you won't engage with it, it won't help. I think you desperately want to be happy but you don't know how.

It's like you were brought up to be a perfect wife and mother but as your DP is not a perfect husband and father you are bewildered as he is not keeping his side of the bargain.

@Apileofballyhoo - You came across as very patronising which made me feel uncomfortable.

Didn't mean to be patronising at all. I hope everything works out for you. I'm sorry you feel unable to be truthful with your parents and PIL. It causes an enormous amount of strain and anxiety to pretend things are ok when they are not. (I speak from experience.) It might be helpful to have a good therapist to whom you can tell everything, without fear of being disloyal to your DP.

Loyalty I don't think it was patronising I think it contained a lot of good advice

@Quartz2208 - It did come across as patronising to me, and the fact that she misread a lot of things!

I will start going to therapy, things between me and DP are a lot better (I know it's only been a few days) me and DS also went for a walk today just the two of us, but like I said my worst fear is DP going back to his old ways, I am very worried and I would really like his reassurance but I don't want to bring it up.

OP, there is a lot of wise words on this thread. He won't change. Your son and you will suffer. Emotional neglect, absence for instance, is as harmful as what you may term abuse. I hope things improve for you.