Emotionally drained.

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

Sorry the chat hasn't gone well, what did he have to say about it all?

Nothing accept that "I thought I was doing good"

So did you tell him everything you've told us? Has he said he will make more of an effort?

*except for

Yes I did, and that's all he had to say for himself.

I think your right then and it may be time to leave. Put yourself first and find happiness.

He's never going to put you and his family first, can you kick him out ?

@notapizzaeater - No I can't and even if I could I wouldn't as he is hardly here.

I think that this has got to the stage now where you really have to get much tougher.

What did you say when he told you about going on his three (!) holidays?? Tell him now how hard it is to be left alone, pregnant and with a small child, while he goes off and enjoys himself. Not just hard, but really disappointing to realise that he is so uninterested in you and dc.

Really lay it on the line to him. He hasn't done good, he has done poorly and you aren't prepared to accept it any more.

Would it maybe help to write it down and email it to him if you find it difficult to get your point across face to face?

I should add that there is nothing wrong with people in relationships having holidays apart occasionally if it is mutually agreed, but he really is a disgrace to treat you like this when he knows you are so unhappy about it.

You are being too passive; you don't deserve this, your dc doesn't deserve this, your unborn baby doesn't deserve this. Get angry!!

@Cambionome - I didn't say anything each time he has told me he is going away. It is so easy for you to tell me what to say to him, but you really don't know how hard it is lto speak to him.

I did write down what I wanted to tell him and I did tell him, but like I said he said he thought he was doing good, I told him that I am unhappy but he doesn't care.

I am angry but it is hard for me to show it.

Write it down and send it to him. You (like me and many others) are maybe not good at confrontation; when he sees it all written down (and don't pull any punches) he may take it more seriously.

If he really doesn't care that you are unhappy then you need to stress how unfair it is for the dc to grow up with a father who doesn't prioritise them. If he doesn't care about that, then separating would seem to be the only possible course of action. Sorry.

I know you're trying to help and I'm very grateful, if I were to write it down on a piece of paper he probably wouldn't read it.

I do think it is time we split because I am sick and tired of things being like this, we are moving home real soon and I had a little hope that we could have a fresh start.

He is not not that into you or his DC's. he sounds really selfish and you would and your Dc would probably better of if you lived apart.
he doesn't seem to give you any support at all

That's right he doesn't give me any support what so ever. It just seems as he thinks I'm asking for too much!

He's happy as he is. He doesn't give a fuck whether you are happy.

You are a household appliance. I don't chat to my washing machine or take it on holiday.

What's the point of living with him? It just makes more work for you and rubs your nose in the fact that he holds you in the same regard as the toaster. Free yourself.

He would probably have a better relationship with DS if contact arrangements require him to spend one on one time with him.

I think he is being abusive, I think he is mentally wearing you down so that you cant speak to him and all you are good for is sex.

Truthfully how much does this impact on your DS so that he is anxious and how much better would it be without him

He would probably have a better relationship with DS if contact arrangements require him to spend one on one time with him

I don't think he would, if I split with him I think he would disappear completely.

@Quartz2208 - He is not abusive, physically, verbally or mentally. I feel like calling his mum and telling her as I know he would listen to her.

I really feel for you.

OP I am so sorry for your situation. What can you possibly salvage from this relationship as he has already checked out? He is not there for you or your children. Reading your post is quite chilling. You are living with a person who is in no way present. He doesn't even sound very normal, through is awful treatment of you. Such detachment, such disregard for everything. What do you stay for?

@ChilliMary - I stay because I don't want to be alone... things haven't always been like this.

But he is never there for you, so maybe you are already alone?

My ex was like your P, plenty of time for his friends and family, money for drinking in the evenings after work, long weekends away and lads only holidays but did nothing at home as he was tired. I too worked full time and also did all the childcare and housework. I had no social life, or money to have one, because his needs always took precedence.

Someone told me he was abusive and advised me to call Women's Aid, I didn't think he was as he never hit me or called me names but I called them anyway as I was desperately unhappy and they told me in no uncertain terms that ignoring my needs both physical and emotional was a form of abuse.

It took me a long time to come to terms with that but eighteen months ago I kicked him out and home is a much happier place without an extra "piece of furniture" to cater for.

Please have a look at this:
liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

and this:
goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/partner-stops-giving-silent-pain-emotional-withholding-fiff/

Good luck

@ChilliMary - I know but I don't want to be completely alone meaning it being just me and the children, I know I am not going to be able to cope with DS2 is here and it is making me very anxious, I just hope that he will help me.
@Unicorn - Thanks for the links

If you won't leave and he won't change what do you expect us to say?