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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally drained.

363 replies

LoyaltyAndLobster · 28/08/2017 20:13

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

OP posts:
Hairgician · 05/09/2017 17:38

You need to cut your losses and leave. It's already damaging your son. School have already mentioned his being upset and this is just first week at school!!
Time to grow a pair and pull the big girl pants on. If not for you then for your son and unborn child.
Your p is an utter shit quite frankly. Whf takes 3 holidays without his family esp a pregnant partner?? And hes about to fuck off for 10 days again and he 'thought you knew about it?' yea right sure you didHmm all while his son is clearly having issues with everything going on. Nope, sorry but he doesn't deserve you. You deserve far better. Do yourself a massive favour and get out now. And I certainly wouldn't be too shy in telling his mum what a selfish twat hes been.

Gazelda · 05/09/2017 17:50

Your DS needs you to step up, OP. I'm sorry, I know that is very hard. Can you please talk to your midwife? Mine was a superstar, got me ante-natal and post-natal counselling and was a brilliant ear that I could just offload to. My situation wasn't the same or half as unhappy as yours, but I know she would have found me whatever support she could. Talk to yours, or to the school. Let them help you work towards escaping this misery.

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/09/2017 18:02

Jesus, can't you see what this is doing to your DS?

I know that you don't want to read LTB x1000 but what on earth do you think will happen when baby is here? That your DP will help you? Are you kidding?

How many different ways does he need to show you he doesn't give a single fuck. God help you if you are relying on him in any way for help once you get home from hospital. Double god help you if you end up with a CS.

I have a DH and an 18mo. Yet my mum is coming from Buttfuck nowhere Highlandsville to SW England as guess what? I'll need an extra pair of hands when baby is here.

You need to get backup help onside now as your DP will let you down when you need his help the most. Don't gamble on him having an epiphany when he sees baby. He's so checked out already it's unreal.

And one last thing; time and time again it's the woman in the relationship that leaves as for some reason blokes always take the path of least resiatance and let the woman swing the axe.

I am very very sorry for your situation OP. And sorry for you and your son and imminent new arrival. You have to act in some way now.

Quartz2208 · 05/09/2017 19:48

I can see why you think you cant do it on your own but actually what is he going to do for you.

Your DS is showing worrying signs which I think is entirely down to his relationship with his Dad. I agree you pretending its all ok is not doing in him any good he knows it not but is confused by why you are saying it is

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 20:10

He did come back, I left it to him to get DS ready for bed and put him to bed. I asked him where he went, he said he just went out because he didn't feel welcome
in the house (real meaning - I didn't him into the bedroom last night) I just answered ok, I do not understand why he is still lurking in the house.

@Hairgician - It is so easy for you to say to leave, I can't we are moving soon, everything is planned... there isn't anything I can do.

OP posts:
Hairgician · 05/09/2017 20:29

Jesus wept!! Do you hear yourself? I mean really?? Am sorry if I seem harsh but Christ on a bike are you really just going to give up on yourself and your dc?? You need to start planning your exit as soon as he fucks off on his next 10 day jolly while you are sat at home on your own 7mths pregnant and a very stressed ds. Get yourself to a few solicitors for free half hr with them. Open your eyes. This isn't going to get better. You deserve so much more for you and your dc. Stop thinking of how you can't do this or that and stop thinking of him and think about you and dc and how you are going to make a better life for you all.

Hairgician · 05/09/2017 20:31

And screw the whole everything is planned. So what?? As dr pepper says, what's the worst that can happen?? You and your dc are so much happier, stronger?? I'd take that over that arse all day long!

Hairgician · 05/09/2017 20:32

And I'd bet if your mum really loves you and cares she would be with you in a heartbeat to help you get sorted. Give her a call and tell her everything. Xxx

jeaux90 · 05/09/2017 20:45

Yes tell your mum. And please stop waiting to be saved or for something to change. It won't happen. You can save yourself though.

Honestly as a single mum things are way easier than being in a shit relationship.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 20:57

@Hairgician - I am not screwing everything that is planned, me and my son are moving into the new house, I am not going to let DP walk away with something that I have put my money into. Yes my mum loves and cares for me, if I asked her to come over and stay she would.

OP posts:
FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 05/09/2017 21:03

Wow. You're living a half life. That's awful.

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/09/2017 21:04

Well I'd advise asking her then. You will be on your own when baby is here with no help otherwise.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 21:07

@jeaux90 - I am going to tell her but I will wait until he is gone.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 05/09/2017 21:19

Believe me as one single mum to another (because that is pretty much what you are) life will be ok without him. Shit relationships really mess with your mental Heath (also clearly that of your ds too)

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2017 21:23

Your name is on the deeds of the new place, right?

You said you paid the deposit but he would pay the mortgage. Is the mortgage is in both your names?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 21:35

RunRabbitRunRabbit

Yes it is, I never said that I paid a deposit and he pays the mortgage, the house is bought we paid half each... now do you understand why I can't leave?

OP posts:
HappylandToysEverywhere · 05/09/2017 21:38

What a selfish narcissist... Wow!!!!!

I've heard it all now!

And he IS abusing you, especially our child. Emotionally

Boatmistress17 · 05/09/2017 21:42

Your ds is going to have massive attachment and abandonment issues. . You owe it to your dc to give them a stable life. Your ds is being emotionally abused. . .

jeaux90 · 05/09/2017 21:44

There is always a way out. Financially you said you can cope without him. Does this mean you could go back to work or pay the mortgage? Can you move in together but separate then re-sell the house?

Honestly OP I know you so badly wanted things to be fixed but people rarely change and only if they really want to. He is not going to be the partner or father you want him to be and all he is doing is causing anguish to you and your son.

Quartz2208 · 05/09/2017 21:47

There is no reason why you can separate and sort it out. Leave the house no, but starting the process of course you can.he is abusive

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/09/2017 21:53

It may not feel like it but there is a way out. But you'd be best speaking to a solicitor.

It's easy for people on the internet to get hella upset at your situation and yell LTB a thousand times but how you've written about the reality....well it's so sad. And I've read some bad shit on here. Neither you nor DS deserves sadness. I promise that you can take control, just open up to people who could help you, it's amazing what reveals itself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2017 21:58

Sorry, for misunderstanding, I must have got confused.

How come you've paid for the place but haven't moved in?

How long until you do move in? Have you seen a solicitor about if/how you can make him not live there? Can you afford to buy him out? How much will you lose on stamp duty, legal fees, moving costs if you have to sell when you split?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 21:58

@jeaux90 - That's right I can cope without him. I am a SAHM, and there isn't any mortgage, we would not be moving into the new house if we had plans to sell it in the future.

I'm stuck with him!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/09/2017 22:04

Have you exchanged surely you can back out or force a sale

Read through your comments particularly how it effects your son

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/09/2017 22:04

@RunRabbitRunRabbit - The new house is being decorated, we wanted everything perfect before we move in, we will be moving in just under two weeks, no I haven't seen a solicitor about it because I haven't thought about any of this, and yes I could probably get the money to buy him out, but I don't even want to think that far ahead.

OP posts:
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