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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally drained.

363 replies

LoyaltyAndLobster · 28/08/2017 20:13

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 29/08/2017 15:48

@Maryhadalittlelamb12 - I can't leave him yet as we are moving homes soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 29/08/2017 15:49

And I just wanted help on how I could fix the relationship, but the advice given didn't work.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/08/2017 15:52

I don't think he would, if I split with him I think he would disappear completely.

That means you are sure he doesn't love his children. How depressing. He ignores you. There is no indication whatsoever that he will love the second child. He will probably ignore this one too and you will be left looking after him and two children.

I don't really see what you are clinging to here. Hope over experience maybe?

butterfly56 · 29/08/2017 16:00

Yes he is abusive. It is a form of emotional abuse.

He is selfish, passive aggressive(promising DS a surprise then withholding by staying in bed). Probably narcissistic too, does not see any problem with his behaviour and will not take any blame for it.
This type of personality do not see that they have a problem and if you complain or try to engage in discussion you will be shut down by his confusing short dialogue.
He is a single man who happens to be living in your home.
You are already alone in the relationship.
Your child's anxiety is similar to your own and a result of the instability in your lives of not knowing where you are with this man child.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 29/08/2017 16:11

@RunRabbitRunRabbit - Yes I am clinging onto hope as sad as it may sound.
@butterfly56 - He did not promise DS anything, DS didn't know about the surprise, if he did then I don't know what I would have done but I would never let him get away with promising our son something then not following through, in regards to our sons anxiety I am getting him help for it.

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 29/08/2017 16:12

@Maryhadalittlelamb12 - I can't leave him yet as we are moving homes soon

Isn't this the perfect time to split assets and cut ties?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 29/08/2017 16:21

@Maryhadalittlelamb12 - It is not that simple, it's not something which you can do right away, and like I've said there is no way I will be able to manage with a 6yo and a new born, even if DP isn't willing to help out I would at least need him at home.

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 29/08/2017 16:23

Ok well that's a good start. If he won't be the man you need , you can discuss how he can do more to help you. Box clever to get more practical help from him whilst you get your situation and finances sorted so that you can leave him in the future.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 29/08/2017 16:32

All I can do now is wait until the DS2 is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 30/08/2017 08:44

Just to let you know we were up together last night because none of us could sleep, I took the time to speak to him again, I said that if he isn't going to make changes I can't see us staying together, he said that he is going to start helping out. But let's just see...

OP posts:
Cambionome · 30/08/2017 14:02

Well done for having that conversation, op. Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 30/08/2017 15:59

@Cambionome - Thank you so much for the advice and support, he has taken DS out today which I'm very happy about.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 30/08/2017 16:43

That's a good start, Lobster.

Onehellofaride · 30/08/2017 22:45

I've been following both your recent posts
OP and you seem like a lovely person.
I hope DP steps up now for you and your DC Flowers

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 31/08/2017 06:48

@Onehellofaride - Thank you very much, that's so kind of you Flowers

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 31/08/2017 06:53

I'm sorry op but abusers don't change. He's saying what you want to hear.

You need to be strong and start making plans.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 31/08/2017 06:58

@OliviaBenson - He is not an abuser, he made his first change yesterday by taking DS out, we are just going to take things one day at a time.

I am not going to start making any plans because I want this to work.

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 31/08/2017 07:01

I really feel for you op.
You seem almost scared to speak to him?is that the case?

You also sound like a very nervous person and he's probably got used to that so is taking advantage of your quiet personality knowing your not going to call him out.
I see your update where you have spoken to him.
I would suggest really trying to get yourself stronger. Keep telling yourself it's not ok for him to treat you like a live in nanny and maid and have no consideration for your thoughts and needs.
Call him out in the three holidays without you or his ds Confused

Well done that you've managed to talk to him. At least he now knows you are unhappy but you need to get firm and continue talking.
You say in your original post you two never argue. That's because whatever he does you don't call him out in so he continues to be selfish op.

A marriage is a team effort in every sense so he needs to be checking back in and looking after his family not just himself.
Flowers for you.
When is your baby due?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 31/08/2017 07:13

@ofudginghell - It is not that I am scared it is because he is so hard to talk to. I am not going to mention the three holidays because they are in the past, what good would it be me bringing them up? And I just don't like to call him out on things, it wouldn't be nice for me to make him feel uncomfortable.

Baby is due in just over 2 months, I'm looking a lot more forward to the arrival as I now know he is going to help out.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 31/08/2017 07:13

We are not married.

OP posts:
notarehearsal · 31/08/2017 08:10

It sounds as if this man is your world. He probably suspects that and I cant see him changing in the future. Why on earth should he? You're not going to leave him, he knows this and he's playing on the fact he will know you adore him, no matter his faults.
You won't leave this man but I can promise you, you and your children will suffer long term. Your children will grow up thinking it's OK for a man to opt out of family life but still live there. Your son will think it's also OK to treat females like this, that it is his right, as male.
It doesn't sound as if he loves anyone but himself. Maybe he will be the one to leave?
I see he's taken his own son out? A start, I hope it continues into the rest of your family life. Somehow I doubt it but you never know.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 31/08/2017 08:41

@notarehearsal - Things haven't always been like this, I have hope inside me that things will go back to the way they were before, he likes to spend time with his friends and I respect that, it's fine... I just want him to spend more time at home with us and help out, even if that means he takes our son to school each morning... I am not asking for a lot from him.

Yes I can admit that he is very selfish (he hasn't always been like this, well maybe he has but just didn't show it) - When he said to me "I thought I was doing good" I think that is because, all I have to do is mention something e.g "I am going food shopping" and the money is automatically put down on the table, perhaps that is his way showing that he loves us, I don't know, it's just so confusing.

I am glad that my son is at the age where he doesn't really know what's going on, and if DP does make changes he will never know.

I don't think he will ever leave me, but who knows....

OP posts:
notarehearsal · 31/08/2017 08:51

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

I was just going on how you described your relationship. If he is early 20's maybe he just hasn't realised that this is the grown up world, and seeing friends comes second to being with your family. Maybe he just hasn't matured yet and doesn't understand what his priorities need to be? However, for some people, unless there will be a negative consequence to unwanted behaviours, they will not change.
I hope I didn't cause upset but I can promise that your son will be learning how to be a male from an extremely young age. He will learn this by watching and experiencing the main male in his life

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 31/08/2017 09:27

@notarehearseal - We are both 27, so fairly still young (as others say) and you are right I don't think he understands what his priorities need to be.

You didn't cause any upset, thanks for taking the time out to comment.

OP posts:
iammargesimpson · 31/08/2017 16:55

Hi op, just checking back in to see how you're doing, I'm glad for you that dp seems to be stepping up a bit, hopefully that continues. I'm a bit concerned that you say you won't say anything re the three holidays as you don't want to make him feel uncomfortable, don't your feelings matter? You come across as quite passive, I would encourage you to keep up with talking to dp and asking him to get more involved, taking ds to school is a step in the right direction but let's face it it's not a lot really is it?

Your ds will be very aware of what's going on, they absorb everything at that age.

Best of luck with the new baby 👶