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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally drained.

363 replies

LoyaltyAndLobster · 28/08/2017 20:13

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 01/09/2017 07:17

iammargesimpson - I am fine, thanks for asking.. it's so kind of you, so far so good he is making changes we are just taking one day at a time.

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 01/09/2017 07:33

Well done op if speaking to him has started to work for you.
Maybe he is oblivious to what support and help you actually need and thinks that being the sole financial provider is his thing.
Hopefully now he will realise you need more than that (which would be normal)so I hope he doesn't wane off again and start creeping back to his old ways once your baby is here.

Good luck op

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 02/09/2017 14:04

Thank you, he is making changes everyday, he has been helping around the house and he has taken DS out.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 09:27

Things have been going very well, but I can see things going back to the way they were, last night during a conversation he brought up a holiday that he is going on, on Thursday (which he thought I knew about) he will be going away for 10 days for his friends birthday. I said to him "You didn't tell me..." he then said if I need help that I should ask my mum to come over and stay with me, he already knew our moving home date is two days after he comes home, he is very lazy when it comes to doing things, he will happily sit by and watch me do everything.

He agreed that he would start taking DS to school this morning, I woke him up at 7 o'clock and told him he needs to get DS ready for school, I had already given him breakfast, all I wanted him to do is bath him and get him dressed it just felt like I was asking him to do too much, first he said he was tired and he will do it tomorrow, he slept during the day yesterday and we both went bed around 12oclock. I told him that he said he would do it, so he needs to do it. Made some excuses .. "I haven't prepared for this, I need to sort out clothes, just take him in a cab"

Eventually he did get up but I had to bath DS and get him into his uniform. I asked him if he could bring a few things back for me, only to be told that he has done enough for the day and he is going to the school and coming back, because he needs to rest.

During the past couple of days I haven't pushed him to do anything, like I said we will take it on day at a time, but it feels like I am asking too much from him.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 04/09/2017 10:16

Does he work? How does he afford these holidays?

You are so very young to be tolerating this.I just wonder what your upbringing was like?

You can't change anyone, only yourself.If he isn't motivated to be a family man then nothing will change him.
This setup works for him, he doesn't want to be the type of dad or partner you want.

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 10:22

10 days for a friends birthday! 3 holidays over the summer. How does he afford that. He is home 10 days and is away again. I mean that is bad

You are not asking too much

What are you getting out of this?

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 10:29

Tell him to take a 12 day holiday and move before he gets back. .
He has no intention of being a parent to either of your dc. Or any sort of 'partner' to you. He is a using cocklodger and nothing more. .

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 10:41

@Hermonie2016 - He is self employed. Yes I know I shouldn't be tolerating this, but what can I do?
@Quartz2208 - I am not getting anything out of this, I just want to keep our family together.
@Boatmistress17 - I wish I could ☹️

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 10:59

Can I be brutal you don't have a family to keep together you have a lodger who comes in and out of your life whilst being a single man. You can stop tolerating it stop doing things for him stop being a partner when you don't have one.

You need to follow through

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 11:03

And stop thinking he needs this, even a single carefree man does not need the amount of holidays he had its ridiculous

Frenchlady14 · 04/09/2017 11:34

Just from someone who stayed with a man like this because I thought I couldn't cope on my own with a young child - moved away from parents etc .... You will suffer death by a thousand cuts in this if you continue in the relationship. I don't mean to be harsh OP but you will spend your life trying to get him to be interested in the family you are building. You will always do the lion's share and he will give you as little of himself as possible. Just the fact that he is going away again at such a crucial time shows how little respect and love he has for you.

Don't think your children won't feel it either - they do. And it's no victory if he does something if you push and push until he gives in. It won't be from love or wanting to spend time with you all - it will be because he wants you to STFU.

I did it for far too many years than I should. It's exhausting.

MorrisZapp · 04/09/2017 11:46

If he loved his son he'd automatically care for him and attend to his needs. He does not do this. By his actions he is showing you he does not care for you or for his child. He's only living with you because it's easy and convenient.

At least he's got plenty of money, so he can provide support if you split.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 11:51

@Quartz2208 - I agree with everything you've said... I am just fooling myself I have always known deep down that he isn't going to change because this has been going on for way too long.

He takes holidays because he knows he can, he also knows the worst thing I can do to him is leave him, and he knows I won't.

I have chose to ignore this for too long, I think I would be able to cope if we weren't having another baby or I had more support, but unfortunately I don't.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 12:16

Why would you not be able to cope? Because I suspect actually all he does is cause you more work not less. You will be left to cope with them both whilst doing the cooking, cleaning and tidying for him.

So really your issue is money and where you could go if you were not with him, could you afford another house. Are you buying or renting the new home

I wonder whether an actual trial separation but in the same house (whilst not something I normally would recommend) might work. Give him his own room let him do his own stuff and sort out the financial stuff from there. And withdraw from sex because as you yourself say that is the only time he shows you any interest

Then you will know whether there is a relationship worth saving.

Tell him if he goes away you will sort out the move so that you are in separate rooms and then when he gets back you can discuss the process of separating.

You will be a single parent either way.

And you do realise leaving is far worse as well for him. Not only will he not have someone to cook, clean and have sex with. It will stop his holidays as he suddenly will need to financially support two homes

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 12:36

@Quartz2208 - I am going to be very anxious when baby comes along, I was the same when DS6 was born, it was all to do with him being newborn, I was just very scared even though I had people around me. I don't know how I would of coped being alone, that's why I am very fearful now. Even if he DP decides to stay in bed all day, I will know that he is here if anything was the go wrong.

Money is not an issue, I can look after myself and the children without any financial support from him.

The new house belongs to both of us.. half each, that's why I can not tell him to leave.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 12:52

then think about a trial separation in the same house, maybe you stopping doing stuff for him may shock him. He will still be there in the house if you need him

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 13:06

@Quartz2208 - It is just so embarrassing at my end. No one knows how he really behaves, I'm tired of pretending.

OP posts:
fertilitykate · 04/09/2017 13:21

You are so young - you have your whole life ahead of you. He will grind you down until one day you won't know who you are.

You can do this. Many , many of us have and are immeasurably happier. I wouldn't be surprised if your anxiety left when he did.

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 13:29

They must see the amount of holidays he goes on though. Why would you be embarrassed

I agree I think he is making you anxious

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 13:37

Irl people will know you are effectively a single parent. Is the new house rented?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 14:08

@Quartz2208 - My mum only thinks that he has been on one holiday, I am just embarrassed that I let him do whatever he wants, and yes he is part of the cause of my anxiety and our son also suffers from anxiety but I have gotten him the help he needs.

@Boatmistress17 - The words single parent scare me, and no our new home isn't rented.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/09/2017 14:13

Your son may well suffer because he never knows where his dad is. Don't be embarrassed he should be not you!

You have had great advice you know he best choice your mum will support you

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 04/09/2017 16:55

He apologised for this morning he said he was tired (not that it makes a difference) I said to him you agreed that you would take DS to school in the mornings, he said he thought he would be able to do it but he can't.

I asked how are things going to be when DS2 is here, there is a taxi service that he uses he said he'll ask his regular driver if they will pick up DS in the morning and bring into the school and collect him.

I asked him if he was joking, he said no it will make things easier for me. I will never ask him to help me with anything, again.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 04/09/2017 18:45

He's such a wanker. Don't you and DS get invited on any of the holidays?

Zena1973 · 04/09/2017 18:47

But by going by your previous posts you ARE alone in every sense of the word, no emotional or physical support!
Can you trace back to the time you started to notice a change in his attitude/behaviour? You say it hasn't always been like this.....
So what's changed? Has your there been any significant stress on either or both of you? Any life changes? Illness? Jobs? Family issues? Anything that you can link to the start of things changing within your relationship?