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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

388 replies

shockedandsad · 01/04/2007 17:04

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 11/04/2007 11:07

great news. glad it went well.

it's been quite quiet here as everyone was fairly busy over easter

xx

lilybubble · 11/04/2007 12:34

Ernest, glad to hear you had a good weekend. Good on you for doing somethinig like that, must have been a little nerve-wracking! Really pleased it went well xx

ernest · 12/04/2007 08:04

bloody hell, a weekend with him isn't going to be as nerve wracking as a whole week without him - gulp - taking the boys to UK for a WHOLE WEEK in 3 weeks time, where he'll be left all alone at home. for a whole week. alone. not that I'm worried or anything

hurtwife · 12/04/2007 11:17

Hi Ernest

Wow you are amazing to be able to think about a whole week away alone. Is there anything we can do.

I am sure we all know what the worries are, does he? How is he being about it?

If it were me i think i would thinking of ways of checking up - just to be proved wrong of course.

Take care

lilybubble · 12/04/2007 12:14

lol hurtwife, yes I'd definitely be thinking of the checking up bit too I'm afraid

So Ernest, do you want to check up on him? What can you check? Is the OW near where you live? Did you arrange this before you found out?

Let me know if there is anything I can do xx

ernest · 12/04/2007 13:51

yes, arranged ages ago, my idea, going to his mum's, boys can't wait, can't just not go. How on earth could I do any checking? I'm just going to go out of my mind. Him going out for the night is too much to cope with really, but me being gone, the house empty, him all alone, for a whole week. Nothing I can do but try not to stress and try to be positive.
A whole week

contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 19:23

Hi Lily

Hope you are OK, did you hear from you OH in the end?

PeachyChocolateEClair · 12/04/2007 19:51

Jows it going Lil?

I am just checking you're not in wales as well as you mentioned train delays (London- Swansea line off at cardiff), probably not but thought I would ask

you know where we are

X

Glassofwine · 12/04/2007 20:11

Hello Lillybubble

I've just read your thread and wanted to say hello. I had a similar experience to you years ago, but without any children, which of course made it easier. However a lot of your situation and emotions are similar. One day my husband of three years told me that he wasn't happy and was off to spend some time thinking. A week later he said it was over, not once did he tell me why or attempt to try to repair the marriage. On the day he said it was over I asked him how he'd feel if I met someone else and he said he really wouldn't mind. Like you things hadn't been great for a while, but I certainly didn't think that we were close to divorce.

In the end we did divorce and I am so glad. I would have carried on for who knows how long in an unhappy marriage because I thought that all relationships were about compromise. It's only now that I realise that just how much you compromise is key.

FWIW after a couple of weeks crying and generally being the typically needy left wife I made a decision. I decided that crying, pleading, staying at my parents and being off work were not going making going back to me very appealing.

So, I went back to our flat - he was staying with a friend. I went back to work, never contacted him and generally put on the appearance of a woman getting on with a new life. When he called I was friendly, but not needy and made sure to mention things I'd been doing. So, did it work?

Yes and no, he didn't come back, but I met a new man who was attracted to this interesting independant woman. The last thing I wanted was a new relationship, but this new chap was so lovely to me, adored me and interested in all the things that my H wasn't. Before I knew it I found myself falling more and more for the new guy and in the meantime I had a lot of pride. I knew that I had dealt with my split with dignity, so I didn't feel low.

What happened to the new chap? Well the three children are waiting up for him to get back from work. When he does I will still feel just as adored as I did wey back then.

littlemissbitch · 12/04/2007 20:15

glassofwine lovely story well done you!!!!

willywonka · 12/04/2007 20:16

What a nice thing to read

contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 20:26

Glassofwine, your situation sounds similar to mine - my OH made it feel like it was all my fault and even suggested separate flats like Lily's DH. Even though it was SO hard at the time I thought "Well I cant FORCE you to love me" he knew I loved him, so we separated. His life went on to be more of the same with a string of different women and I now have MY lovely DH & children.

I guess it IS a lot easier though when you dont have children together - I think a lot of people feel extra pressure to stay together for the children, but as someone whose parents spent most of their childhood arguing I can honestly say that is not an opinion I agree with. My children need to see me happy and confident not demoralised and treated badly, better two happy parents apart than miserable together.

Ifonlyhewould · 12/04/2007 20:28

Thats so lovely Glassofwine. Thank you for sharing

Glassofwine · 12/04/2007 20:33

I do know how terrifying it is to imagine being on your own again. I thought that marriage was for life, so was stunned to be thinking of a single life again. I really did think of ending it all, it would have been a tragedy. So for all of you in the thick of it, please just hold on I promise you it will get better, you will look back and see these times as a black phase in your life, but you most definately will find wonderful happiness again.

Ifonlyhewould · 12/04/2007 20:43

I feel more terrified at the thought of being on my own and letting dd down. I just want everything to be ok for her.

contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 21:00

Why would showing yourself to be a strong and independant woman with self respect be letting DH down, you are too hard on yourself, surely it is her dad who has let her down.

Put yourself forward 20 years, SHE has a husband who makes her unhappy what would your advice to HER be?

contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 21:02

Sorry I meant "letting DD down" (its been a long day!)

Glassofwine - I though about ending it too, so glad I didnt have had tons of better times since would hate to have missed it (and he was a tosser!)

lilybubble · 12/04/2007 21:06

glassofwine -thanks - not only a lovely story but really well written. I'm so pleased for you that things worked out in the end, and I love the bit about the 3 ds waiting up for their daddy.

Peachy, no we're not in Wales, we're in Andover in Hampshire. Horrible delays this week

ifonlyhewould (still love the name!), i agree about the letting dd down bit. That terrifies me. I hate the thought of being on my own, but I do have lots of good friends. The thought of custody and arrangements and things is just awful.

Not much to report, feel quite downhearted at the moment. I spoke to dh last night and he was at the pub (with Sarah and others). We chatted, and then I asked him if he'd give me a call later. He said he'd try. He didn't call, so this morning I sent a lighthearted text message asking what happened. He just texted back - "Completely forgot after a few beers to be honest". Just that, no sorry or anything and it really depressed me, more that text than the fact he didn't call. I phoned a couple of hours ago, no answer and so far no call back. So depressing. I do feel I'm worth more than this. ContentiousCat, I agree, I'm feeling I can't force him to love me, and that he is definitely heading the other way. It's so devastating it's unbelievable.

Tomorrow however, I'm meeting my best friend for lunch in London, she's been in Australia for the last 7 weeks, so it will be fab. Then meeting another friend in the evening, so a completely lovely day, 2 of my favourite people. Hoorah.

contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 21:12

Lily sorry to hear it isnt improving. Some time out with a friend will do you the world of good and perhaps if he sees you getting on with a life of your own he may realise he cant treat you this way.

Do you have friends in Andover - you havent been there long have you?

Ifonlyhewould · 12/04/2007 21:17

I'm so sorry for all you are going through lily, he is being a complete git with you and it's unforgivable. Do you feel strong enough to turn the tables and not contact him for a while, at least not until he has made contact with you. There's nothing that worries a man quite so much as a silent woman

contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 21:21

Lily - I know I felt like I had done something wrong, why was she so much better than me etc etc. But I can now see that it was a problem HE had - there is nothing wrong with me (certainly not in the eyes of my DH & DC now)

At the time it effects your self esteem but I am SO glad I let it go in the end...I did a few quite sad and desperate things (like you do) but eventually walked away with my head held high.

I did hear from him some time later but I didnt feel I could really love someone who could treat someone that way. The very least you deserve from him is for him to treat you kindly...even if he decides he does not want to be with you.

lilybubble · 12/04/2007 21:34

contentiouscat, that's it exactly. Even if he doesn't want to be with me, as his wife of 4 years, and mother of his daughter I deserve better than this. Last Sat went so well, and I thought we were getting somewhere, so this whole up and down business is really getting to me.

I only know one of our neighbours at home, just a little. Not enough to really talk to.

ifonlyhewould, I am now feeling that the silent treatment is appropriate, but do you know what, I'm feeling he might not even notice

I'm hoping to meet him on Sat, as weekends are the best time to meet because of his work. We are supposed to be sorting out selling the house and the counselling then too, as well as our car (which is in the garage). I just don't know anymore. I know tomorrow will be great with my friends, but after that, who knows. I can't stay here forever, but can't face being on my own at home.

Hopefully I'll get some news about work soon, but even then I can't rent in London while the house is unsold, so it just feels like a vicious circle

contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 21:42

He doesnt know what he wants but that doesnt mean he should be horrible to you. I find it strange that he doesnt call just to find out how his DD is if nothing else.

Ifonlyhewould · 12/04/2007 21:44

Oh lily, this is so awful for you. If i could wish anything for you it would be that you suddenly started to think about you and what you want, need and deserve rather than you trying to be and behave as he would want you to. I would also wish you the courage and strength to send the selfish low life a text saying ' after a lot of thought and deep hurt i have come to the realisation that you are not the man i thought you were and in light of this i have decided that i no longer wish to stay married to you. I am making an appointment with a solicitor but would welcome your thoughts with regards to maintenance and access to our dd prior to this.' I would love you to call his bluff! Put the wind up him! I would hate to think that he is thinking he can just keep you dangling for a few weeks, have his little bit of fun then come walking back into your life, especially thinking you are grateful to have him back!!
This man needs hitting on the head with a very heavy frying pan!!

Ifonlyhewould · 12/04/2007 21:45

And i know just the woman to do it