DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

Honestl;y? I'd be wary too. But the only experience of this I have is my friends exh who runs a porn and fraud business in Thailand and wants their dd's out there with him, to be raised by his prostitute wife (even though they're not actually divored ),so I fully admit to paranoia!!!!

I'm back! Not been around for a few days, as went up to London to stay with my best friend. Had a really lovely time and felt very strong about everything.

Spoke to h's mum just before I went. She is still upset at his behaviour, and had spoken to him, but felt she didn't get much out of him. She asked him if he was involved with anyone else, and says that he replied that he had met a girl he liked, but they were just seeing how things went. What the hell does that mean. Anyway, got off the phone and started thinking about it all, and am now pretty certain that he is sleeping with her now, and probably has been for a while. Little things add up, like the amount he was texting her, never leaving his phone unattended (wanted to have a look!), an email she sent him with a quiz to see how dirty you are or something classy like that, to which she'd written "And you know I can be dirty!", some new clothes (he SO rarely does that), and - tmi, sorry - he has not been masturbating for quite a while - and all the rest of it.

It also would explain why he wanted out rather than to talk about anything, though I must be the first person ever whose husband leaves her as soon as the first sniff of an affair is about!

So, getting ahead of myself now and thinking of divorce papers, and naming her. I understand I would need to get her address for this, but how on earth can I do this? And what can I try to do to get him to admit to the affair?

Cynically I am guessing he doesn't want his adultery to be the reason for the split, probably to shield dd from his idiocy. This way he can carry on with his line of "We fight too much and it's better for dd if we split"

So today am back at home. He is due here at 2pm, for 24 hours and then dd and I are going back to my parents. Not looking forward to him coming really, can't see how we will fill the time

Lily - I have no answers. I think you are being tremendously strong. Your H is a tw*t. I am in no doubt that he will soon regret the way he has treated you and your dd, but it will be too late and he will have to live with his mistakes for the rest of his life. I hope today is not too difficult for you. I will await your next post. You are doing really well, so be proud

lily thanks so much for your message. I wanted to log on just to see how you're doing and I'm so upset to read your latest update. The bit about little things adding up just makes me sick. That's exactly how I felt.

I think you need to give yourself a bit of time and space now. If you decide that divorce is the best way then I would think that if you initiate everything and sight his affair with Sarah as the reason then surely the solicitor will do the rest and your (d)h will have to provide the detailed info?
As for getting him to admit to it - I'm not sure? Could you get evidence from phone bills/emails etc? Or hire someone to follow him and get the evidence? (all very OTT but seing as our lives are pretty surreal and soap-opera-like at the moment it doesn't seem like too bad an idea!)

Perhaps taking this step will be the wake up call he needs. Seeking legal advice does not necessarily mean it's completely over. Somewhere down the line you may decide to try again, go for counselling, whatever.

Or he may accept it all and walk away. And if he does he'll regret that decision for the rest of his life. I'm sure of it. But all you can do is look forward and live a happy life yourself. You and dd deserve that much.

I'm so angry and upset for you but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and am there any time if you need anything at all. E-mail, text or call me anytime. I really mean that.

Lots of love xx

Thanks Nally and MLS.

Have got plenty of evidence of his calls and texts to her, and am going to download the bills and highlight how many there are. When I went to the CAB they thought I wouldn't need a solicitor if we do divorce, but maybe this might mean that I do need one. Anyway I can't be the only person to have found myself in this situation so I'm sure there are recognised ways and means. The following him bit has certainly crossed my mind!!! Yes, our lives are very soap opera-like, so it doesn't seem as wild as it would have a few weeks ago sadly

I do feel sure he's made up his mind, I really do. I also think he will come crawling back at some point, once he realises what an idiot he's been. But who knows how long that will take and what further damage will have been done. I'm trying to not really talk to him so that more hurtful things can't be said. However, I do feel that he has treated dd and me so, so badly that I don't really think there can be any going back. He has shown a complete disregard for us both. Even last night he left his mobile off (as he now has a new work mobile, the number of which he claims not to know so it took me hours to get hold of him and see what time he would be showing up today. When I ask him why, he says he's "been out and about, you know what it's like".

However, I did forget to write the good news! Yes, there finally is some I have got my old job back!!! Am so thrilled. Also got dd's nursery place back - we popped in on Thu, and dd was treated like returning royalty, she was so happy! So now I'm starting to look for a flat. Have no money, but am going to borrow some money from a friend to secure deposit etc and just bite the bullet.

Still can't believe any of this though, I really can't

Oh and thanks again MLS for all your support Hope you got my email okay. Same goes for you - contact me anytime at all xxx

Lily - I did think of you this week.

The only thing I would say is my ex went from 'love' to disinterest like yours, originally I took it personally then realised he had just switched his interest to someone else.

I really wouldnt put yourself in a situation where you see her - it wouldnt acheive anything other than hurting you more. I think you 'know' what the situation is subconsciously.

Glad to hear you have some good news though.

I have hungry chicks to feed now but take care.

Hi Lily

I'm so sorry to read your latest post, it beggars belief how cruel some men can be towards the woman they once claimed to love. Maybe, if you saw a solicitor for advice it would give you some peace of mind. They would be able to answer all the qusetions you have running round in your head. Like MLS says, you don't have to act upon it until you are ready.

Thats great news regarding your old job and DD nursery place. I think these positive moves are just what you need, you will go from strength to strength. (D)H will wonder whats hit him when you start firing on all cylinders

Lily, I had been wondering how you were, so sorry to read your last post .

Congratualtions on the job and nursery place, hopefully the start of positive things for you.

x

Just a quickie for now as he is here. Have had only a quick chat so far, but he has admitted to kissing Sarah - since he told me all this 3 weeks ago, still says nothing happened before. Says he hasn't slept with her. He even agreed to let me look through his phone, and there was just 1 text from her, saying something rubbish like "I work with Shaz who comes from Cronulla" (which is a suburb in Sydney...thanks for that!). Of course that's not to say there haven't been any, but interesting there's nothing there. He does have a work phone as of this week so that's something to do with it.

IOHW, I did go the CAB this week, who said it doesn't sound as though I need to see a solicitor. They said I'm entitled to a certain amount per week from him - £110 or something, which either he can pay me or I can claim in income support.

I feel very weird about it. I want the truth from him, but want us to try and keep things amicable because of dd. I don't feel as angry as I expected to, which is weird. Very sad, and still feel so sad and sorry for him to be doing all this. It might be because I'm so pleased about old job, not sure. Of course things weren't perfect before, I'm not pretending that they were, but I don't quite understand why I just feel so little at the moment. Does that mean it's just going to really hit me? Have had a couple of moments in the last 2 days, but prior to that had about 6 days without crying at all - very weird.

contentiouscat, don't worry, I don't intend to go hiding out to get a look at her. I am determined to keep dignity in this. Somehow

lily, you are extremely dignified IMHO.

well have just read all of this and can i say what a wonderful woman you are. YOu seem extremely kind and very dignifies. I am almost speechless at your H,sorry but what a selfish fucking twat he is. Iknow it doesn't seem like it now but you so better out of this

Please stay strong. It sounds likeyou aretaking ownership.Good on you.

Good luck lily xxxx

Hi

You are feeling weird because you have already let out a lot of your grief - there is some sort of relief from it all now. I too have been there and it is weird. There will still be lows but let them come each time they will be less - the more you let out the better. Your strengh is keeping you calm and i bet this will be bothering him more than he would like to admit.

You know you cannot control him and that is now a huge burden off your mind, and soon he will realise he no longer controls you and that may be his turning point. Until then you just have to get on with it and know that life will only get better.

Of course there will be dark days and then look back at these threads and see just how far you have already come - and you will never go back there again.

Thinking of you lots
Take care and think of doing some nice things for just you now.

Lily sorry it seems that your DH has done the things you feared but not surprised as we all know he is a man ! Thats great news about your job, dd's nursery and most importantly your dad. I hope you can take some comfort from these things i really do. I do think the fact he showed you his phone is that he knew that there wasn't going to be anything on there as it will all be on his work phone , not sure it proves anything, sorry. As for your feelings now i am sure it is probably a sort of acceptance of things but am sure there will be many more feelings to come. Take care thinking of you and dd x

Lily

I disagree with the CAB advice. IMHO you should go to see an experienced family solicitor as soon as possible. Ask around for a recommendation, or ask on this board. The solicitor will be very familiar with this sort of situation, and should be able to give you some good advice as to your rights. You need to think of DD and protecting her and your financial position. The law tends to work very much in your favour in this sort of situation. It doesn't prevent a reconciliation in the future, but means that if there is not one your position will be protected and he will bear the costs of his actions. I really wouldn't delay this at all.

Hi lily

How have things been? How are you feeling?

Sadly I think he has let you see his phone as he knew there was nothing to see. But that doesn't matter anyway does it. You know enough. And pathetic gestures this late in the day mean very little.

I think the lack of emotion is very common. Sometimes you get to the point where you are that sick and tired of crying and getting angry and upset, that you just put up an emotional barrier. It's just your bodies way of getting through it. But as long as you're still getting the support just for you and have the ability to cry or shout when you need to, then you'll get through.

You're doing amazingly well you should be so proud of yourself.

Lots of love xx

Clayhead and Swifterella, thank you
Hurtwife, that's helpful, thanks, can definitely relate to that.
Lilyloo, yes I agree about the phone, he wouldn't have done it if he hadn't known
flyingsaucer, thanks for that. He is actually being very forthcoming about money and stuff so far. He has no money for me to try and claim off him, apart from the regular maintenance, so I'm not sure that I do need a solicitor. Also can't afford one, so am a bit reluctant. The CAB did say that some solicitors offer a free 30 minute consultation so perhaps I should try that? Must admit I am nervous about the mortgage, which is in both our names. Also realised today that he has life insurance to benefit me and dd, and a pension and health care, none of which I have, so this is starting to get confusing.
MLS, how are YOU doing? I don't really feel as though I'm doing well, though people keep saying it.

I guess I have admitted to myself now that he doesn't want me. He said as much yesterday after some goading from me about his drug-addled bint of a new girlfriend {blush]. They kept calling / texting each other which really wound me up. He says they have kissed but nothing more, and that his leaving is nothing to do with her, it's all because he doesn't want to be with me The weekend was hard. He did take quite a bit of abuse from me, but so he should. He left yesterday and dd was upset for a good 4-5 hours, it was awful. She was tired too, and I just couldn't settle or console her. Felt so, so angry at him for putting her through this, it's so unfair.

Back at my parents now, so feel a bit more relaxed. Looking forward to Las Vegas!

When is vegas?! I'm so jealous

Can I come too!

I won't rant on about your dh and his behaviour this weekend and what he's said. I've heard it all before from dh and it's all pathetic excuses. good for you that you gave him a tough time. It's no less than he deserves.

I really feel for you. And your poor dd and what he's doing to her too
But she has you and you have her - that's all you need to get you through this. You don't think you're coping well but just read your posts - you are. You're stronger than many would be in this situation and that's why you will come out happiest in the end.

Oh Lily I feel very for your DD, you would have thought as he had not seen her during the week that the mobile could have been put away and he could have given her all his attention.

Does Sarah (the drug addled bint ) know he is is married?

I really think, despite what CAB said, that you should see a solicitor - you used your savings to buy the house so you need to ensure you get that back for starters.

The other thing which is worrying me is I had a friend in a similar situation they lived separately she in their home with DD, he went completely wild and built up loads of debt which she ended up being chased for as she was his wife - even more worrying as he co-owned her house and she thought she would lose it. Im not an expert but I think you can be chased for his debts until legally separated.

Sorry I dont want to worry you but..knowledge is power.. and he doesnt seem to be taking any responsibility for his actions - far easier to blame you

Take care & have a GREAT time in Vegas!

By the way - do you have Sarah's number? The texting and calling whilst you two were together is horrendous - why she couldn't leave him to have a few precious hours with his wife and daughter in peace... bitch!

But that also tells you something. She was probably completely insecure and nervous as hell that he'd want to stay with you. She will have had no idea what you were saying or doing and it will have killed her. She obviously needed the constant contact and reassurance to get her through just 24 hours.

She knows the extent of the lying and cheating he is capable of. And in her mind she'll know that if he's done it to you, he can do it to her.

One call or text of you suggesting he's playing her for a fool and her insecurity would rocket! I can guarantee it! A lot of men doing this do go back and sleep with their wives whenever possible. Just remember that they will not have this perfect whirlwind romance of a relationship. It's early days and already riddled with insecurities, lies and baggage. I can't see it lasting more than 5 minutes.

Hi Lily how can he be so cruel to dd, he could have at least forgotten Sarah to spend enough time to reassure your dd Completely agree with MLS about her, it won't last ! Very of your Vegas trip at least it something to look forward too! Agree with others about getting legal advice though would def look into the free half hour consultation.

Hi,
Trying to get on here is so hard! Sorry. I am going to Vegas because my sister is getting married, and taking me and her dp's best mate (who is also an independent friend of mine). We leave 8am Thursday and get back Mon afternoon. So exciting. She is also pregnant, 11wks, so just fab fab fab all round, am thrilled. Can't post more as Mum wants to get on here to see scan pics but will post more tomorrow. Hope you are all well and happy

Lily in anticioation of a busy day tommorrow and scant opprtunity to mnet i hope you have a fantastic time in Vegas you deserve it x

Lily - thanks! Am at my sister's now and getting very excited

MLS - Your idea of contacting Sarah is very appealing! I think I am going to send her an email when I get back. Nothing nasty, but something along the lines of making her aware of how she's played a part in ruining our marriage, and the effect on a little 3 year old girl.

I am still feeling so hurt by him. I don't understand how he could have just given up so easily on it all. Especially waiting till we'd just moved so that I'd given up my job, flat, and whole life really. It doesn't make sense, it's just not the man I know.

Anyway, going to try and forget about him and relax and let my hair down in Las Vegas!

Hope you are all doing okay, and will catch up next week xxxx

Have a great time in Vegas Lilybubble - you deserve it