Seeing a guy... is this weird?

[Athousanddiamonds]

Hi, just want an opinion about a guy I've been seeing.

We met about 3 months ago and have been dating steadily. By dating I mean going for drinks at the pub on occasion and getting to know each other. We both work so only really see each other on the weekends. I have stayed at his house a few times had sex. We text often every day.

Anyway he seems nice enough, we talk a lot and I do fancy him. He split up from his previous gf last year, they were together for 12 years and owned a house together for 8. Not sure this is relevant to my post but just a bit of background.

Anyway we were at his house last weekend and something he said has been bugging me. I don't know if it's just me being sensitive. Years ago I had an unplanned pregnancy with my then bf. I was on the pill at then time and had no intention of being pregnant. I thought long and hard about what I wanted at the time and decided I couldn't go through with the pregnancy. I decided to terminate - please don't judge.

Anyway I brought this up with this guy last weekend (fuck knows why - must have been the wine) and his attitude towards me changed!! I mean like literally as soon as I said he went 'you did what?!! My family can never know about this' but he became almost nasty with me. I explained the pregnancy was never planned, it was contraception failure and not a decision I took lightly. But none of this seemed to matter, he was just completely off with me. I asked him if he had a problem with it - why should he when it's my past!! He replied no, but his family will!!!

I ended up having to justify the choices I made years ago and telling him as if I would tell your family!!! It's not something I talk about it general!!

I only brought it up as we were talking about our pasts. I haven't even met his family yet and sure as hell wouldn't introduce myself then bring it up!!

Was he BU or am I being sensitive? It's played on my mind all week although we have been texting the same as always.

He was being unreasonable, it's got nothing to do with him. It's your past. It was also your decision not his.

That's not on at all. I'm sorry he reacted like that but sadly I'd take it as a sign you're not very compatible. You've done nothing wrong and shouldn't be made to feel otherwise

Obviously you're unlikely to fill his family in on details of your past life. But it suggests he would not be pro-choice in the event something similar happened. And generally doesn't respect your bodily autonomy.

Oh that would be it for me. You're having to apologise for a decision made years before you knew him AND you've only known him a short time. No way. Dump his judgemental arse. And btw anyone who thinks your past is his family's business is very bad news.

I have been wondering whether to cool things or just let it slide?

On the one hand he is lovely but there's other little things he does to which makes me think he lacks.... etiquette. He says things that make me feel uncomfortable but then I am a princess. Stuff that a guy shouldn't say to a woman he's getting to know iyswim

So, his family are anti-abortion. Catholic maybe? And it seems the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree as on some deeper level, he seems to be fundamentally against it too. The question is, can he get past it and do you want to be with him even if he can. You might even ask why he should have to 'get past' anything. Your body, your choice. However, the reality is that some people are very against abortion.

I hate the term pro-life, but I guess that's how they would describe themselves. I have these family members, OP. That shit runs deep. Lucky, it skipped a generation with me. Maybe not with him though?

You made a decision which was right for you at a time in your life. You shouldn't have to defend anything to anyone. Probably best this converstation came up now than a couple of years down the line when there is more invested.

Maybe he is a strict catholic?

I don't know if it means he's awful just because he doesn't agree with abortion tbh?

How has he been since?

I would walk away very quickly. How dare he give you his small minded opinion on a matter that affected you.

@meltingmarshmellows nailed it. He doesn't respect your body autonomy. He is also more concerned with what other people think than he is with what you are feeling in the moment.

I would definitely cool it and see how he gets back to you. If it not with a huge apology and acknowledgement he was in the wrong I'd leave it there.

What else has he said?

Yes his family are catholic. He claims to be but doesn't go to church apart from at Christmas or for weddings, christenings and the usual.

I went through all the same catholic rituals and catholic schools growing up but my upbringing has been fairly liberal. I don't really believe in anything these days.

Even so, he could have handled it better i would have thought. It came across as very harsh and judgmental.

I would dump and run for the hills.

NEXT!

Judgmental twat. Wtf has his family got to do with it? Why should they ever find out, even if you ended up marrying the guy?

I have been with DH 19 years and only found out last Easter that his mother (may she rip) had an abortion after her 6th child as she couldn't cope with so many (dirt poor). Not that i had any right to know, it just came up. And i didn't, and don't, judge her.

Like I say we've been texting as normal during the week.

He didn't apologise after saying it even after I gave my reasoning. We just dropped the conversation and moved on to other topics.

Other things which make me feel at odds is that he comes across as.... well childish. Maybe I'm being judgmental here but one night we were having drinks in the pub (I don't drink a lot I swear ). He said he went on a stag do to Spain and some girl was at the bar. He said her arse was in his face (I think she was dancing ). He said he bit her bum!!! Jokingly of course. But I was just like 'oh that's nice....' and then it was awkward after that. I think he thought it was a hilarious story to tell. Maybe to his guy friends but to me??

Also one night I was wearing a low cut top, he said 'oh the puppies are out tonight'. Things he says leaves me gonsmacked sometimes. Am I sensitive?

Termination is a very personal thing. I would be a bit at anyone who felt the need to divulge this fact just weeks into a relationship. I agree with the fact that it was your choice to make but not everyone agrees with abortion and they have as much right to that opinion as you had to terminate your pregnancy.

Also, telling him that you terminated a pregnancy because you didn't want the baby also makes a statement that you might terminate his child if you weren't in the right place. If he doesn't necessarily agree with termination then this may have more of an impact.

Three months BiscuitAddict we are taking our time getting to know each other hence we only see each other at weekends.

I understand that POV but even so, it was fecking judgemental and I was stunned by it

Judgemental twat. I would dump him immediately if it were me. You have nothing to be ashamed of and don't need to explain anything OP.

Clearly a closet Tory. Avoid!

It's the only time in my life anyone has ever made me feel ashamed and I mean absolutely ashamed about being me. My then bf at the time was super supportive in my decision.

If anything it makes me think if I ended up in the same situation with this guy, is this a precursor to how he would react?

OP, you say you were stunned at his judgement, but really, how would you expect someone who is anti abortion to react to someone who has had an abortion? This is who he is. He might not even have realised himself that he held such deeply ingrained opinions.

It seems you have other issues with him too. You're judging eachother. All as should be in the early days of a relationship. It's time to decide now if you are actually compatible.

Reborn I had no idea he was against it. He claims he isn't but his reaction tells me otherwise.

He seems to 'lose' his moral high ground with me when he told me he bit that girls bum for a laugh and talked about my cleavage in such a distasteful way.

Sounds like an idiot (the puppies?! Really?!) and a judgemental one at that.

Dump and move on before it gets too serious. There are millions of men out there

Exactly. Now you know. And you judge him on his arse biting tendancies. Seems there isn't much hope for this going the distance, wouldn't you agree.

You're right though, we probably aren't compatible. I mean with fundamental stuff.

Any other stuff like music, film, random chats, we get on like a house on fire. I am torn. Meant to be meeting him tomorrow but feel like I should be making my excuses and dodging it.

I've not read the whole thread but just wanted to say - no way should you feel ashamed and no way should you be judged by anyone. A number of us have been there particularly when we were younger. I had a termination in my early 20s, only to find I needed IVF in my late 30s (due to issues with dh, just pointing that out as it was not at all related to the termination). It's just how life is and I don't regret any of my decisions in that regard. (Incidentally I'm now mid 40s and no children but happy with how life has turned out).