Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Thank you. I feel because it's two years on and they didn't end up together - that I feel it should bother me more than it does? I almost don't care about that now? I'm more angry that for two years he didn't really fight for me until now because I tried to go completely NC with him.
I have suggested counselling before - maybe it's something we could look into.

Found out about ea today. He says he doesn't want to work it out. I feel utterly bereft. He's been snappy and snarly for weeks, especially after work night out (colleague)

@MegFlyAway I think it sounds like you would potentially benefit from it. If he is resistant to trying it I suppose that would show the level of commitment he has, obviously it's not for everyone but you don't know until you try. I think it would be beneficial to get to the root causes of issues- maybe he doesn't express himself in a way that's effective or maybe he simply doesn't understand what he needs to be doing if he wants to make it work with you?

@DistantSun And @Pinkmilk38 do you ever question your decision to stay? Does the hard work seem worth it? I am hoping that what will come from it will be a happier relationship that is meeting my needs, as it certainly wasn't in the lead up to all this. I do feel more able to demand things now to make it work for me. Not in a horrible way.

Meg, the thing that is reassuring about my H having counseling is that he has to look at himself and why he did what he did. What is it about him that made him unable to communicate well with me, what is it that makes him turn to an affair when someone else would not? Etc etc. I doubt we'll completely get the 'why' but he understands a bit more about himself.

So sorry @Pogmella the initial shock is horrendous. and a hug for you. Unfortunately we all know that horrible feeling.

I'm having one of those days where everything is ticking along just fine, when suddenly images of H and the OW jump into my head. I was snuggling on the sofa watching tv last night and he started to stroke my hair and immediately I thought 'did he do this with her?'. It just kills me.

He's admitted to ea (I discovered it). I think there's probably more to come. I don't know what to say to him because he says his mind is made up.

Hi ppandj you'd posted on my thread about checking this one out, only just got around to looking. So sorry that you and others are going through this.

I only found out this week that exDP cheated a few weeks back, he says only once.

I know the others on here are trying to work through it, but that's not for me and we've seperated.
But I'm really struggling with that decision right now. He's taken DD for his time and it's killing me, I can't stop crying.

I don't question my decision to stay ppandj but often question if I'm actually able to.
In actual fact, I have never said that I've decided to stay, just that I haven't chosen to leave. 2 years on he still knows that.

And that's my reply too distant sun. The one thing about discovering some shit, especially if it's an EA and they don't want to break up is it puts the betrayed person in the driving seat to feel far more empowered to say 'I'm not happy with that' or no that doesn't work for me etc.

I suppose that's where I'm at now @yetmorecrap @DistantSun I haven't decided to stay but if I had decided to split up I would have done so already.
@Emboo19 sorry you had a hard night. How are you this morning? That's one of the things I am dreading if we do split is being apart from the kids for his time.
@Bumshkawahwah oh the imagery is awful isn't it? I am struggling with this too. I am just going about my day and an image pops into my head and I can't get it out. It's so cruel. How does your H react? Mine finds it upsetting and keeps saying "I can't believe what I've done to you".

We had a horrific night last night which involved me having to take the baby to a&e and partner stayed at home with the sleeping toddler. It was very stressful and upsetting for both of us (baby is fine though!) and I have to say that my partner was really good in the situation. Again, this is something that has changed in him I feel because he hasn't been good at coping with stressful situations before and has more or less let me deal with it alone. I think he has started to take more responsibility for things and has matured? Maybe I am being generous or naive. All I know is that last night was the first time since finding out where I was grateful he was here.

@Pogmella Thinking of you. Are you managing to eat and look after yourself?

@ppandj I told a friend and she gathered the girl army. Feel very supported by my network of friends who have come to be with me and make me eat/wash.

This morning was supposed to be the morning after a date night with no toddler in the house. He would be getting his stuff together to travel for work tomorrow right now. Which was all a massive lie because I found his train tickets and he didntvreally need to leave until Monday.

@pogmella
It's very raw for you now and I'm pleased you have friends around you. Sadly, I suspect you don't know the full story yet. Please understand that it's not necessary to put yourself through full disclosure at this time. 💐 Make you your priority

@ppandj sorry you had such a difficult night.
It's good that your DP was helpful and supportive. I was shocked and knocked sideways by my DHs affair but have been equally surprised (in a good way) by how strong and supportive he has been in the wake of my discovery.

@Emboo19 stay strong my love xx
I've read your thread and at your age and in your situation I would have done exactly the same.

Emboo, just read your thread and given how young you are and also how young your dd is I think you are right to make a clean break. Go to uni and have some fun. Your dd is too young to remember being a family unit, if she is still seeing daddy then that will be normal for her and she will never know any different.

Not everyone on here is necessarily staying together. I have kicked my cheating h out. I don't know what is going to happen in the long term and do have doubts about ending a 15 year relationship and breaking up my children's family, I but I can't actually breathe with him in the house and if he was still living here it would be even harder. So I I am essentially going with the worst case scenario and thinking there is a possibility I might reconsider later, but wanted to get everything established now as the new normal rather than trying for six months and then kicking him out! My kids are still young (3 and 5) but old enough to ask questions about where daddy is etc. I'm hoping they will also get used to it in time.

But I do question my decision a million times a day, and haven't actually filed for divorce yet. If I were as young as you I think it would be easier. You have your whole life ahead of you!

@Emboo19 I agree with @Bedraggledmumoftwo I think I would do the same in your shoes and I think you are incredibly strong. As are you Bedraggled because I am pretty sure it was your thread I read a little while ago and I was stuck by how strong you were.

I actually think that one of the good things to have come from this mess is that I have discovered that actually I am quite capable of dealing with the shit that life (or partner) throws at you, I really hope you all find comfort in that too because I think you all sound like you are handling it so well. You can only go your own way with regards to the future and only you know what is best for you.

My partner has started his new job today which involves him being away Monday to Friday for a few months. I have to say I trust him not to do anything while he is away, the nature of his betrayal wasn't him working away, plus I know how badly he wants to make this job work so he wouldn't mess it up now after his affair almost cost him the position. (Can't give too much detail without outing myself.)

In one way it will be a really good thing for me to have the space, but I do resent the fact that he will be going away and able to think of new exciting work stuff and I am left here with all the shit to think about. He is worried that this space will make my mind up for me that I want to split, so he has been anxious about going.

Bedraggled does your head feel clearer for the space? I totally understand what you mean about the whole family unit and kids ages, plus history together.

Can i pull up a chair too girls so glad ive found this thread. I am in a mixture of shock and sort of "saw it coming/wish id of listened to my gut" .. P was cheating when i had a misscarriage 2 yrs ago, then when we first found out i was pregnant again, right through the pregnancy and still now ( DS is 5 months) (all with same woman) . I dont know what to do. I found lewd sexts and pics etc on his phone and called her and she wouldnt talk to me or tell me anything and has changed her number. For some reason he is the one angry st me? (Obv for finding out/ruining it for him) i am devastated beyond words and couldnt think of better people id like to tell (have no family or friends or anyone to talk to about it) and your all going through similar stuff so i know you will all get it. So someone plz tell me why am i sitting here feeling so ugly and worthless and like its my fault somehow

Oh @UnicornTears it isn't you lovely, it's him. Deep breaths at the moment and one day at a time, you are in the shocking, gutting discovery phase. It is awful. What has happened now? You don't need to decide anything yet.

I feel like i cant even breathe. Just looking at my DS in his cot asleep now wondering WTF to do and why he has done it to us. Tbh he is sh1itty dad n left me while i was in labour and i didnt see him again until DS was 5 days old. Dont even know how i forgave him for that. Think it was just because i was so depressed (still am, even more so now.) Er he has left (walked out as usual) and i just feel like i cant bear to stomach it all. I knew in my heart years ago what he was up to but he constantly told me i was insane, a wierdo, a control freak, a crank, over protective, losing it, needed help, was probably cheating on him bcos i always thought he was, was all in my head, needed to take anti depressants and was just cracking up basically. I was right all along. I know i guess i dont thank you for replying and the support ppandj, but i think when i see him again or he tries to come back i might srsly hurt him i feel like i could k1ll him rn tbh. Especially for telling my for over 2 years since the misscarriage and t all started that i was losing my marbles. i cant believe i was right all along i guess the gut instinct thing is real its like your body knows things before your brain finds out . Just cracking open a nice bottle of red rn. Probably not a good idea as it makes me cry more! But i cant even have a cuddle with DS as it would mean disturbing him. So il give this glass a cuddle

Poor you @UnicornTears you have been right through the mill. Is there anyone you can call in rl? Even if you need to ring Samaritans someone will listen there, honestly it isn't just for crisis point. Keep posting on here for support too but if you can get some in rl it will help.

Is he likely to come back tonight? The first few days are like a blur. It is horrible and shocking.

And yes you are right about your gut instinct. I was the same and didn't know whether I could trust my instincts but I am feeling like I do a bit more every day- you will get that back I'm sure.

@unicorntears, you are certainly not ugly and worthless, but god knows I know what it is to feel like you.

If you really want to make comparisons, think of yourself as a person who has standards, and morals, and isn't so sad and lacking and selfish that you have to turn to another person to boost your ego. Isn't that pretty worthwhile?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's horrible :(

Its okay ppandj we all have in our own ways , all in the same way really but slight different situations but i just think betrayal is betrayed and we are all hurting. Deeply. And no i have no family or friends. I had just one best friend who was like a sister to me for the majority of my life from bieng around 12/13 but she passed away a couple of months after my misscarriage so its just me and DS. And my P (who i was posting about, DS's dad. ) but i clearly only have DS P has not been mine for a v longg time lol. Thats fine tho i am more than fulfilled having just me and DS . I would rather that. Esp after this. He is a fking sh1te dad anyway never even gave a bottle or changed DS nappy never mind done somethinng like a night shift while DS was newborn or anything like that. He is a waste of space bstrd anyway. Im glad he isnt here i dont want him to come back rn. I feel nothing but anger and hate towards him. So betrayed. And ugly and like just utter sh1te! He made me think iwas crazy for so long i was starting to believe him! And thats a good idea about the samaritans but do you need credit to ring them or minutes lol i dont have any .. and no probably not he wil probably come back tomorrow or early hours of the morning tomorrow night.. he will just go do his thing. He makes me feel sick. And yeah it feels blurry but i also feel so validated and like reassured that im not a loonatic or cracking up tbh! And yeah gut instincts are real most definitely i know that for sure.

Wow sorry for the length of that last one i must be really venting here sorry pandj! And hi bumshkawah , eugh i just feel like i want to remove all mirrors in the house. Its the worst iv never felt so violated and just so low! Ive been cheated on before when i was lots younger but i just cant stomach it. Aw i hope your ok. Its so bad isnt it. I've always been self conscious but rn it is just overwhelming. And thankyou. I know i do hve standards i have huge standards for DS aswell butbi just stuck with him because i sort of wanted family.. so stupid i know i feel like sh1te. Should of left with DS long ago. He left me on my own in labour and i didnt see him again till he came back like nothing had happened when DS was 6 days o. I dont know why i ever forgave him for that but i suppose it was just because i was so lonely and i was soooo depressed, still am . Even more so now really tbh with you. And i know im sorry it happened to you too. I am sorry for everyone it happens/has happened to. Its honestly feels like im grieving.

ppandj sorry that was meant to say betrayal is betrayal**

Oh no, unicorn, so sorry. It sounds like he has been gaslighting you for ages to cover up his behaviour. At least now you know you aren't going mad.