Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

It’s totally not like him I expected him to get angry he threatened to get the police onto me for cyber bullying when we had a row and I said I was going to put on Facebook his behaviour with a prostitute or I expected him to blame me like he usually does he does this that and the other as I go to bed he doesn’t get enough sex he lies because I would get cross all of which is total bollocks so I am confused by his reaction

Tee hee. There is a group WhatsApp for the youth organisation myself and the OW are part of.
I changed her name to cuntymccuntface and it makes me giggle every time she sends a message.

Ha, what are you looking it, I was reluctant to mention this but yes it works, that’s how I saw my H and our colleague a couple of years ago communicating, it was all total crap which was a relief to be honest, however did show he was lying about the fact he had told her to stop

FWIW I didn't 'stabilise' completely until about 5 years or so after dday. it was a long painful process. For a long time I didn't feel safe around him, i didn't feel safe that he would put me first, so many things triggered me. After one fight (I was fighting, he really wasn't) I explained it by saying that I still saw him as the enemy. This hurt him a great deal but I think it helped him to see how I felt. We had to build that trust back up and it took time.

This was with a totally remorseful spouse who was honest with his feelings and open with his actions. He was patient and kind by and large. Towards the end of the process he began to ask me if it was reasonable to relate everything back to his affair - I instantly bridled and got defensive but then I thought about it and I realised that he was right - and it was hurting and exhausting me as well as damaging our relationship. I was able to let it go - it was such a relief, like putting down a sack of rocks. But that can only happen when you are ready.

BTW becoming a happier, healthier person is essential. I took up running again and began to take part in races. It's been the best thing I ever did. It's something that is mine and I enjoy and take pride in it.

He’s not been on it since yesterday morning but is back in work tonight so we will see I am confused as to who it is he’s talking to as it’s not her. Or not her regular number. The only time he has used it like this was when he was last in contact with her.

Not feeling great tonight I feel used will try and book into the dr to sort out my mental health issues he’s caused but I feel he’s only with me as I am the safe option the one who takes care of everything the kids the finances my mum his mum while he is getting off WhatsApp every bitch in town sorry just feeling sorry for myself tonight

I feel for you Alfie, the lies and insecurity are crippling. It's hard enough when your partner is being husband of the year (eventually), but whilst yours is acting like a teenage cockwomble you have got no chance. Have you thought about some time apart?

IrianOfW, it's interesting to hear how you are 5 years on. I am largely over the pain but keep him at a distance. Perhaps there is hope that it will improve further.

I took up kick boxing last year, I have already done 3 belts and hope to compete for the first time in July, it's insane, I love it, I never imagined 45 would be my year of sporting achievement. I have reaffirmed lots of my old friendships and made some great new ones, so some good has come out of it.

My head is f*cked, I have never felt this unstable in my life. I don't think I will ever be right again. I still don't sleep, still not eating properly, still crying most days, and he's just normal like nothings happened. Someday's I really hate him for everything he has done, and if it wasn't for the kids I would go to prison for what I would do to them both.

Oh broken hugs- you need a break, can you take one?

Are you having counselling? I’d not maybe even calling the Samaritans to chat might help.
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Haven't been on here for a while. It was 8 yrs since dday in April.

We started couples counselling (after I gave dh an ultimatum in Jan) last week so it's all being dredged up atm.

Will let you know if it helps, not a lot of hope atm!

One thing that has helped me massively is getting my own life by studying again. It's given me back my self esteem and confidence. And the strength to say enough is enough. I think it has also jolted dh into giving a shit, as I have the option to leave now.

For those still reeling, hang in there. Focus on what is right for you and let your dh's stew in their own mess.

I'm feeling really low it's 6 months today since I found out. I don't even think he's knows the significance of the date.

He's booked a night away for the long weekend and I just feel hollow. I think he books these things to distract us from the fact that we neither like or love each other anymore. He only wants me around as I provide him with a better lifestyle and I only took him back for the kids sake. I think we are the definition of a marriage of convenience rather than love now.

This isn't how I wanted my life to be.

Whatru that is very sad.

Have you talked to him about this.
I lived without feeling loved for a long time then DDay happened and it jolted my H. He now gets what I need him to do.

Talking does help- we are both better at this now more is at stake an try really hard to hear the other person.

It still sucks and i’m Still in pain

I have that hollow feeling too. Usually I’d be really looking forward to a long weekend but it feels a bit like we’re playing happy families. He feels differently to me though. He is 100% committed to making it work, has given up things he loves because I asked him to (hobby related), is always making nice plans for us and telling me he loves me, etc but I never say it back to him and I don’t know how committed I am. If it wasn’t for the kids I would have walked 5 months ago.

I also keep thinking about getting in touch with an ex boyfriend who over the years has been in touch from time to time to see how I am and tells me he still misses me, etc. I probably won’t as I’m sure nothing good would come out of it but I think I just want some attention, good attention and not just the kind from someone who feels massively guilty and is trying to atone for their shitty behaviour.

H had the snip this week. Part of his efforts to prove his commitment. He always ‘joked’ he wouldn’t have it done ‘because he might want more kids with his next wife’. So now he’s had it done I feel more secure.
I told him how I’d been thinking less about the affair in a painful way but that it still smacks me in the gut at some point every day. He came home with flowers for me today because I said it had hit me hard today.
He’s given me flowers more in the past 3 months than our entire 18years together

Screaming that is one of our issues I’ve come off the pill as apparently it turned me into a jealous paranoid raving lunatic while dh was texting and lying about it all to a hooker so we are currently using the whip it out quick method I have suggested dh has the snip purely because it’s a simple op for men i am 40 dd was prem ds I had grade 4 placenta previa so was hospitalised for 6 weeks as dd was prem and twins run in both our families but he is refusing which doesn’t help my insecurity over him wanting to be with someone else

to everyone needing to post here. It's just crap, isn't it?

I found out about dh's (dp at the time) affair a couple of days ago and finding the details difficult to process, partly because it was such a long time ago and while he's obviously moved on (and hopefully is now a better person who learnt from that mistake) I always had an inkling and he lied about it for all that time.
It kind of feels as if I'm not entitled to be really angry and upset because it was that long ago. I'm sure this is what ppl who know are thinking, that I'm irrational, vindictive and overreacting. Which also hurts. Anyone else had this?

Screaming, he has no clue that I feel this way. I will never allow him that much power again. He is meandering about thinking we are doing so well . Fucking idiot.

There's absolutely no point talking about it as the only thing that he can do to make it up to me is to hop into a Delorean, go back to August and un-fuck his whore. All the being attentive, spending time with me and actually stepping up and being a better father actually mean sweet fuck all.

I think we are all in our own personalised hells and what one person can survive varies by individual.

I'll just slap my game face on for the kids and look for distractions of my own. It's tolerable at the moment.

Starlight, I totally get the seeking attention from others. There's always a line that you risk crossing there though. Right now I'm all morally superior and I wouldn't want to lower myself to his level by having a cheap tawdry affair. I say right now but what I have learned from this experience is never say never. Take care of yourself.

Fucking hell Alfie ‘whip it out’ is not a method of birth control!! He puts a hat on or it doesn’t go in!!
Twisted my H affair was 8years ago with my best friend. The physical part was a couple of months but the build up was probably a lot longer.
I found out when my so called best mate decided to drop the bomb in Jan this year.
The time makes it hard- he’d delt with it and moved on but it might as well have happened yesterday for the way it makes you feel. I can’t dig up any proof so I only have the word of the two people who have lied to me for 8years.
You are entitled to feel however you feel and if your DH want to make things work he needs to be accepting that and doing what ever you need him to do. Have a look at surviving infidelity website.

Whatru you can’t live like that forever. The kids will know and you will be bitter and it’ll drive you crazy.

Whatru, I know what you mean; imagine the indignity of him divorcing ME for adultery!

Twisted, I think you have every right to feel the same shock and betrayal as anyone finding out about their partner’s infidelity. You also have to deal with being lied to for such a long period of time. Don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel, he had sex with another woman and whether it was yesterday or two decades ago it’s still a huge betrayal.

Alfie, if your H doesn’t like condoms, maybe tell him you won’t have sex without one as you wouldn’t want to get pregnant in the current circumstances, and maybe the snip won’t seem so bad to him then!

Screaming, it’s good that your H has had the snip. Mine’s been dead against it but then after I had a health scare meaning I should stop taking the pill he agreed to it but it’s all gone quiet now. As I’m not 100% if we’ll stay together I’m not pushing it as it seems almost cruel to coerce him into having it done and then leave him.

Thx screaming and starlight. Yeah, so hard when the only person you can get the 'truth' from has been lying to you for years. A complete head fuck, I'm finding.
I'm still crying every day about some aspect of it, and I'm sure I've seen his ffs give it a rest face when cross examining him. He's also had the snip, and I'm glad, because he won't be able to go creating any half sibs for the DC if we don't make it. I wouldn't worry about that starlight. Seems fair to me.

Twisted- he doesn’t get it yet. He’s done the same as my H - put it in a box and forgotten about it.
Have you asked him how it would feel if the roles were reversed? Maybe he feels it wasn’t as bad because you weren’t married?
In my case I think my H has spent a long time expecting me to leave him because he has his own emotional baggage so it’s almost a relief for him I found out and haven’t kicked him out yet.
I bought him a book called how to help your partner get over your affair. He’s read 2 chapters.
When I found out I was out until late at a funeral and then a friends house. I then went to my sisters for a couple of days to get some space. I made him write me a disclosure of events. We’ve talked through it a lot.
He booked marriage counsellor while I was away. He does get exasperated with me when I ask the same questions over and over but I have made sure he knows I need to talk.
Some tough conversations need to be had. If he wants to save your relationship he has to do some hard work. Do you want to save it? You don’t have to decide now.

I have put in the following rules at home.
I have full access to his social media, phone, email and all passwords for everything including finances.
I can track him on the phone if I want to.
We have been through all his contacts and delete anyone I’m not happy with.
He had to tell my mum and a few others.
Complete no contact with slag and her family.
He is more affectionate
We talk
We talk about the affair
He contacts me just because a lot more when apart
He asks before booking something like a lads night etc.

It doesn’t matter how long ago it was he lied and betrayed and you can’t have a decent relationship if you ignore that.
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It’s a sucky situation and I’ m sorry.
Do you have someone to talk to IRL?

screaming I'm not sure he'll ever get it. I asked him to go to a counselor about his lying about 6 months back, when I knew there was something I didn't know still. He did, but didn't admit anything new. I bought and read not just friends and asked him to. He flipped through a bit, but obviously didn't take anything on board because he still didn't own up. I've asked, he said he wouldn't like it the other way round and it would be hurtful. I told everyone because after keeping other bad behaviors quiet I said I'd tell everyone if I found anything else. He still didn't come clean, so just about forced my hand there, as I don't think I dare not follow through on what I saw I'll do if he is to take me seriously. Of course, even with tracking like you have(and I'll be doing) you just never know. There's always opportunities working abroad, and a cheap second phone is easy. I hate that my life has come to this, but I'm not sure I want to leave. Sure sucks. Can't really cry it all out with anyone IRL, although I could talk to mum/sister, it's too embarrassing.

I know how that feels but you haven't Done anything wrong as so have nothing to be embarrassed about x x