Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Unicorn, it is exactly like grieving. You are totally right.

I guess at least now you know the truth - you are not crazy, or suspicious, or nagging or whatever. You have your lovely boy and the freedom now to go and make whatever you want with your life.

Hi bedraggled, im sorry for u too. Yeah he has been most definitely. And making me feel like a loony. Which thankfully i know now im not but was so sure i was. Isnt it horrible today i feel like a lost soul but still just anger towards him. He never came back last night like i knew he wouldnt, hasnt text/phoned.. im glad though i srsly feel like killing him. I dont know how this anger will ever go. Its all i can feel! And lost of course.. and hi again bum (hope u dont mind me calling you that i just keep spelling your username wrong when i try to type it lol.) yeah it just feels like grief. Like exactly but it feel like im the one who has died but just inside. Yeah and everyone always says the truth hurts which it certainly does this time. I always knew in my heart but i just had no proof. I know thank you he is my sunshine. Going to go out for a walk to the park now and we are going to feed the ducks. Just need to peel myself out of the front door the first step outside i think will be the hardest. And hi wizard im sorry for whatever has happened to u to bring u here to this thread also. Hope your okay. Yeah i feel so ugly and like i need to change how i look. Does that ever go away? I hope your right and it does pass. Because rn i feel like a old tatty doormat. Thanks for the hugs big hug from me to u aswell. Thanks everyone x x

I found out three weeks ago my husband has been having an affair for 18 months with someone nearly half his age that helmet through work. I walked in on them last summer is what looked like a dodgy situation it he assured me he was extremely hot and she was complaining he stank of alcohol as he had been out the night before and was changing his top. It was innocent, he would never do that to me, he saw what our friends had gone through etc... to be honest I thought he never would have the guts how wrong was I he carried on another whole year and I found out from causing a row completely unrelated then I found a fab comment to her on a public page and he eventually told me yes he had been seeing someone. I have 2 DC aged 2 1/2 and 4 1/2. He changed roles in Jan 16 so we would have a better life as he works shifts and they were less chaotic. That's how he met her within three weeks they were together a month after that I went back to work and he had free rein to see her when he had days off in the week and I was at work and kids at nursery. He is going to counselling to work out why he's done what he's done but the last few days I've asked him if he wants me like he says he does how could he do this to me he now has said he thinks he wants to stay but needs to be sure so I now feel like I am being kicked in the teeth and will potentially be rejected again!! Anyone else's husband partner done this? OW is now out of the picture he ended it as soon as I found out and says he feels relived and doesn't miss her. Can I really get past him deceiving me for so long? Any advice and support will be much appreciated I am glad I found this thread and thank you to everyone who has shared their stories.

Sorry for the extemely long post!

Sorry @Twittawoo it's just such a horrible situation to be put in by one of the people you trust the most. I'm sorry I don't have the answers, I'm still searching for them too. I do believe that people can change and that relationships can be rebuilt after infidelity (as they can with other things like addiction for example) but I think the vast majority of the work and effort has to come from the person who betrayed the other. The betrayed party may need to examine some behaviours and attitudes as well and obviously address underlying relationship issues, but they are not at fault for the cheating. Until that is accepted I don't know how things can proceed.
So in answer to your question, I don't know exactly how one does it and I don't know if I can do it, but I believe it can be done.
Big hugs to you as well

Sorry ppandj only just caught up on the thread. Saturday was difficult, especially seeing her on FaceTime Saturday night, with him on our bed. Sunday was ok, I kept busy and it was good to get things done without carting a baby around. It was the most wonderful moment when I got her home though.
He's been tonight to take her to the park and he's done bath and bed time here. I go away tomorrow so he won't see her for a week (we should have been going together). He was really emotional when leaving and as much as I hate what he's done and know it's all his own fault, it's still really difficult seeing him like that.
It can only get easier on us both though, I'm sure and on a positive note DD seems completely unfazed with it all!!

Unicorn its most definitely not you, it's all on him! He sounds absolutely horrid even without the cheating. Please do something nice for yourself, get your hair or nails done, new make up or clothes or even just a bubble bath and face mask at home. Take care of yourself, you most definitely deserve better.

wizard yeah i get you. I just struggle doing things for me i am totally not used to it at all. I literally have a 5 minute shower a day and thats my pampering lol. Yeah il just have to share on here i dont have any friends, think i mentioned on another post before that my BF passed away. Anyways thank you for your replies. Hope ur doing well. And emboo19 hi! Thank you. Yeah he was. He still hasnt came back. Totally ok with me. Yeah i might run a bath while DS is sleeping, he usually wakes up when i leave the room though and its horrendous (he has separation anxiety as well as lots and lots of other probs/allergies/syndromes ect) so i wil have to do it ninja style. And thank you im gonna try to, im so much better at looking after other people than myself! Thank you i hope so. Maybe one day il be treated better by someone nice and honest and kind ect. Hope you are okay glad to hear DD is unfazed, so is my DS, he actually seems happier. You deserve better too. Dont ya just hate men

Is it too late to join?

My DP didn't have an 'affair' as such, but I still feel very betrayed. He texted several women and met up with at least four in order to pursue them sexually, but swears to me he never followed up. Most while I was pregnant. He had been ambivalent and in 'two minds' about us.

Finding out about the texts was the first time I felt that I knew anything concrete and real about our relationship. If that makes sense. It was such a shock, but also made me feel that I wasn't just a rubbish person, that he was being an asshole. He couldn't hide behind his 'mr perfect' personal anymore.

Thank god we found out. Imagine the weird feeling that we were not able to put a name too, if we still did not know.

P.s. DP ended our relationship some months ago but still living in the house. He just called me a controlling bully!

I wish he'd go. I have a plan to move out next year after our child finishes one year of a special school and I can move nearer friends.

Sorry you're here avocado. Sadly I'm sure you won't be the last!

The living situation sounds horrible. Is there a reason he's still living there after he ended it? Is it his house or joint?

Yes it's his house, unfortunately. However it's much easier for him to move out as it's just him and he has a full time job. I've got two kids one of which is special needs. I don't work and no family near.

He's has a big argument with me today and I think I should just go any way. It means moving everyone but there's never going to be a good time.

Hi @WizardOfToss how are you? Have you started your counselling?

I'm having a bad week. Partner is away for his new job. He has been messaging as often as he can and is really missing me/us. His first night away he was homesick and texting begging me not to leave him again, said that he couldn't believe it and being away had highlighted it all to him again. A few days in, he is less homesick and thinks it has changed him as a person already and he hopes I like the changes (like I said it's a total career change involving intense training). I don't know what I wanted- him changing is totally necessary to us having a chance to rebuild this relationship and yet it makes me feel insecure again. Almost like he will change so much that he won't want to be with me anyway. I have now got such low self esteem and self belief, yet he is on this journey of positive personal development. All that "if you're not growing together, you're growing apart" stuff.
I have been solo parenting all week and am tired, plus my friend who I have confided in came round last night and I felt she was pressuring me a bit to LTB. I don't even know if I want to stay with him but I don't feel like I want to leave him either. Head's a total mess at the moment.

Sorry you have had to join us too @Avocadoicecream. Your living situation sounds really difficult.

Wishing you all strength at the moment. I haven't wanted to post incase I was overly negative and my head is a bit muddled at the moment.

You could try writing it on here while you are awake? I know that's often trotted out as advice for a racing mind preventing sleep, but it could help maybe.

I think time is probably the only healer for this actually. In time, you will either see your spouse earning trust and respect back and start to feel more positive. Or as time passes you get used to the idea of being without them and make your peace with that. Unfortunately for me I am not all that patient. My family have always said I want things yesterday.

Yes you are right about the uncertainty. I also think not having him here for reassurance when I have been angry or upset. I am, for the first time since I found out, having to just simply reflect on it all alone.

Sorry you are having a bad week pandj - it's difficult to know your mind when it's having to race after the day to day stresses of kids etc single handed.

It was 3 years ago that I found out about the texting other women, so if anyone is still fresh in it, I did find that it got better slowly. A lot depends on what happens afterwards. I ended up staying with my partner but am now splitting up. For a while he stopped going out, was clear about where he was going, I had access to his phone all passwords etc, and he put on the gps finder so I could always monitor where he went.

He was also, in the end, completely honest (I think!).

That was the bottom line for me I think. I didn't like looking through his texts but I did check up on him for over a year, every month or so. I hated doing it but it was either that or the great uncertainty. It helped to change the secrecy into openness.

After a while that did feel a bit weird though. It's the kind of thing controlling people do! But I'd read about others doing it who 'survived infidelity' in books etc and it's like being an alcoholic, you do have to monitor the drinks cupboard for a while. But then again this isn't one affair it was like an addiction for my DP.

I just thought I'd share that as it did help us. I no longer look at his texts. But the unstable nature of our relationship kept bubbling up and that is what finally finished us.

Hi all, I'm feeling really low today. I've been really stressing myself out about finding a job, and the only one I've managed to get I decided to turn down yesterday after a dry run at rush hour showed the commute plus parking situation to be unworkable. So now I feel really depressed. I didn't want to turn that one down without another on the table because ever since I found out about his affair I've been really angry that he let me give up my career for his and be a sahm. And as it turns out I'm not getting anywhere with jobs anywhere near my old level and feel really worthless and haven't managed to restablish my independence like I wanted.

Oh and it's the weekend tomorrow so he will be seeing the kids and I will be making myself scarce so that fills me with joy too.

I just want a magic wand /time machine to take me back to my happy family.

How are you doing today @Bedraggledmumoftwo and everyone else? I have barely stopped so wasn't able to check the thread and see how anyone was.

I'm still feeling really terrible. I spent the whole of yesterday crying so much I kept hyperventilating and going lightheaded. I just feel like crawling into a hole and dying. I constantly feel sick and panicky. I have come to the conclusion that it is like my h has died. Everything I have known for the last fifteen years has gone. My best friend is gone. My partner is gone. My trust and faith in anything is gone. I just feel so alone and that realisation generally ends up with me crying in a heap on the floor. Of course if I had actually been widowed I wouldn't be having to get on with things and put a brave face on and hide my pain from the world who have no idea what is going on.
And I wouldn't have to put up with him trying to talk to me and make conversation as if everything is normal.

I'm considering asking the doctor for antidepressants as I simply can't cope at the moment. But I don't know whether they might lead me to make the wrong decisions in the coming months. I don't want to numb my pain and then feel like I can forgive him only to discover that it is still there in a few years time. And I don't want to numb myself to the point where I don't care and push through with a divorce that I might ultimately regret.

Is anyone else medicated? It seems silly to take them for something situational but I just don't feel like I can get through the next week let alone year without something.

Bedraggled I am considering clinic help too. The crying and panic/nausea you describe is exactly what I'm going through too. I can't go to work because I can't tell people whats wrong.

Pogmella, have you asked for counselling? Be warned the NHS has waiting lists just like for everything else. They told me 4-5 weeks about six weeks ago. I am really hoping that counselling will help, but I am getting to the point where I don't think I can hold on any longer and medication seems like the quickest answer.

Another one here going through it.

I was prescribed beta blockers which help with the panic symptoms, and you can just take one when they strike. Also diazepam to aid sleep when it's really bad.

It's horrible.

Oh @Bedraggledmumoftwo a lot of what you are describing I am going through as well, though I am fortunate that I was already having counselling so haven't had to wait for that. I don't think anti-depressants will necessarily change the decision you make, but if you feel that they are in some way hindering your decision making you would be well within your rights to ask for more time to make the decision and your H would have to just accept that and wait.

I have said to my mum that I wish he had died- I don't really wish that, but it would be totally acceptable to be struggling after that. You are so right.

Have you got any chance of some time for yourself? Or to do anything for yourself?

God I wish I could just take this pain away from all of us, it's awful. But we will get through it one way or another. The pain can't last forever, not in this intensity anyway.