Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

I am at the beginnings of planning a new life for myself after discovering my husbands infidelity (although slightly different kind)
There is unfortunately no way back for me, it has only been just over a month and my beautiful home is now up for sale and I have not spent many nights at home since with a pre booked holiday and staying at friends/family etc.
I am still very shocked at my discovery and the hardest thing I am finding not is my dd, she obviously wants to know what has happened and refuses to believe that her daddy could do anything wrong. (I have not told her truth)
However, I do/am starting to feel some inner strength and resolution that I am going to have a new life, support myself and my daughter, find a little home of my own and I absolutely deserve better!!

Maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but I find this woman and her views quite interesting. I have seen some of her other things and she doesn't minimise the pain caused by infidelity, but also isn't afraid to examine the causes of infidelity on both sides.

Just to clarify, I don't necessarily agree with all her views. I just find that I gain understanding.

@Bumshkawahwah totally agree with you. We do not deserve this. The lack of control over our own lives- that sums up the injustice of it. I hope in time we can find a way to shape the future for better lives for us, in part at least.

@twinkerbell Hi there. Sorry you are going through this as well. I think you must have found out not long before I did. I really hope the house sells quickly for you so you can begin moving on. I wish I had your resolve one way or another but I swing between the two very often. How are you doing? Is your H remorseful/co-operating?

I have good days and bad. I am okay at work because I am busy but when I am at home and he is home it is very difficult. Unfortunately we are having to stay in the property together due to finances until it is sold so we are sleeping in different rooms (obviously) .
He tries to be helpful and so stuff like wash my care and make meals because he obviously feels guilty but his infidelity was on a level that is not recoverable. I think because of that perhaps it is easier for me to just be black and white about it?

He apologizes but I just get angry when he whimpers around and I have to go out or will end up arguing and our dd is around so don't want to fight. Just waiting for the house sale like you say x

Oh @twinkerbell it sounds so hard living with him still. How old is your DD? I take it from your post that your H doesn't want to separate? I hope he makes it easy for you and for your DD. One of my fears is that by me not deciding yet, the remorse will have subsided if I decide to leave in the future and he may not be as co-operative as if I decided that now. I don't think he is the type to be difficult about it but then I feel like I don't know what he is capable of anymore!

Hi guys, guess I had better pull up a chair. Seems like a really good idea for a support thread. I have been feeling like MN is very supportive but have also felt judged for not definitely wanting to divorce my h straight away.

I'm only six weeks in. He is extremely apologetic and immediately ended it but had a full blown EA as well as PA. And it would still be going if I hadnt found out by accident. We have separated. But I have agreed to give it almost six months before I actually file for divorce to see if there is any chance of getting past this.

I have no idea whether that is possible. Like some of you have said, some of the time I feel normal. And then it hits me again like a sledgehammer.

Hi @Bedraggledmumoftwo here are some for you too. How do you feel you want to proceed at the moment? Or do you swing from each side like I do? Esther Perel (who I have watched and linked upthread) said in a TED talk that staying is the new shame, whereas divorce used to be. I feel that a lot in rl and on mn. I have explained to my partner that I can't decide yet, but that he needs to work on himself and try to become a better person regardless of whether we stay together because he owes it to our children to do so. Have you been able to do much for yourself? Easier said than done to prioritise yourself.

I definitely feel like mumsnet will judge me if I stay. IRL the couple of friends I have told would generally go the other way. But I am pretty sure my parents and his parents are just waiting for me to "get over it" and take him back. It may be a generational thing! Or just that they want to keep their families together.

When a man has an affair, regardless of his reasons, the question women inevitably ask themselves, what did I do wrong. (which we all know is rubbish) but it doesn't take away losing self confidence, self esteem and self worth as a woman.

Try reading:
1)Self development.
2)Empowerment book of forty nine tools.
3)The Secret. All on Amazon.

The only thing I have been doing for myself is job hunting. Plus some clothes shopping for interview outfits. Because I had become a sahm to support his career back when I thought we were a team and obviously now have to make myself independent.

He is having the kids next weekend and I might go and visit some friends or something. He had them today and I was just doing housework and crying all day. I think it is better to get out. The job applications have also helped as they have given me something to focus on and distraction is good.

@Bedraggledmumoftwo, I was going to say welcome, but that sounds weird. We're in the club no one wants to join :(

I definitely felt some LTB pressure on here. It might happen...but it's not a case of leave right that second or never do it at all. I don't want any regrets with whatever decision I ultimately make .

The way I have explained it to the people I have told in rl is that if we had no DCs then I would leave. I would never want to see him again and I would never have to. But the reality is that we do have DCs, we have to be in eachother's lives anyway and I do love him. Not "staying together for the children" but having them does change things for me (it also makes what he did worse). So I am giving things a chance at the moment, but if he doesn't make the necessary changes and earn back the trust and respect then it will be over.
@Bedraggledmumoftwo I think I may have seen a thread of yours. I hope by doing the job applications you are getting some confidence in yourself and your skills? I always feel a bit better after filling in applications because they force you to think of your good points. Good luck with them all!

I'd better pull up a chair too. Married for 22years, together for 27years, husband's 50, affair partner in her 20's.
I feel like xxxx.

That sounds like the perfect explanation of my situation too. If we had no kids I would be free to walk away forever. But now I have to weigh up the damage to them if we divorce. And I can't quite let go of the plans I had for us and our family that were shattered in an instant. And like you say, I will have to see him for the rest of my life for the kids. A snap divorce and no contact isn't an option once you have a family together.

Frances, sorry to hear that. Is the affair ongoing or has he ended it?

They've ended it, but she works in his branch but in a different department. I found out about the affair 5 months ago, she was transferred to his branch 2 months ago and they still sent work texts which he wouldn't let me see, though he says it was over when I discovered their sexts on his phone. I discovered that she had asked to meet him once after the affair ended, which they did, in a shop and had a coffee, he took a photo of her, which I found on his phone.
He was really secretive over his phone, but now he leaves it about the house with no passcode on it. He's now very sorry and seems to be understanding the pain he's caused.
Initially we did 4 sessions of couples counselling, but he refuses to go to any more, he says it's quackery.
After finding out that she'd moved to his branch and that they were still texting, I said that I'd had enough. That seems to have been a turning point.

He's now very sorry and seems to be understanding the pain he's caused.
Initially we did 4 sessions of couples counselling, but he refuses to go to any more, he says it's quackery.

If he's really sorry and understanding surely he should be doing whatever it takes. Quackery or not.

I read the book that another20 posted upthread with the 15 things that need to be done for reconciliation. I think that going to counseling even if just for your sake definitely fitted into some of those. In fact I think she mentioned counselling specifically as a vital step. I have given it to my h and he is recognising many of the things he did wrong when I found out that ultimately made it worse.

I'm 2 years on
I really feel for you all 💐
It's horrific xxx

Have caught up with this thread. I always thought if my partner had an affair I would leave. I haven't stayed because we have children. They have factor in my decision but more that I could look them in the face and not regret my choices because I didn't rush into anything. I spent time working out what I wanted. He worked out why he did it and we worked on the problems that led to the affair, during the affair and after. I don't think he will never do it again but hope we both have the tools in our marriage to stop it getting to that point for both of us if that makes sense. He still has a lot of self hate for what he has done. Like you op we had another things going on that made him feel low. This woman came along, stroked his ego, he didn't need to do anything, it was easy, having his cake and eating it. He said it was a fantasy life that didn't impact his real life ( it did and he can see that now). It wasn't real. The kids and I was his real life. I am not defending what he did just explaining it. I found that it wasn't until he was completely told me the full truth nearly 2 months after I found out that he really started to try and mend our relationship. That was really hard still being lied to for a couple of months after. Anyone else who wants to ask anything feel free too. Xx

Pinkmilk how do you feel now. Is your relationship as good as it was before? Are you glad you stayed?

It is different then before. It had to be. I feel the marriage we had before has ended. It wasn't a bad marriage on the whole. We both put our needs as a couple too far down the list. We both 50% in the wrong for our marriage being bad up to the affair. The affair is 100% on him.

I used to feel after I found out about the affair if I tried harder, was prettier or more fun he wouldn't of had an affair but that isn't true. He had one because he decided to. He made that choice. He could of at any point spoke to me. Told me he was struggling but he didn't. We now learnt through counselling to say when something is bothering us. We made changes to us as a couple.

We are in a good place at moment but there is always triggers. It will never go away. For the first year it felt like it always at the front of my mind. Now it is not always there. I still angry with him. I haven't forgiven him. I may never do and that's fine. I feel as long as I can live with it then that's OK. Xx

It is amazing how much all of your posts resonate. Many of them I have to do a double take as I could have written them myself.
Four months in we have some really good days and some bad. I hope with all my heart that one day we'll be where you are pink. But at the moment I feel I'm slowly losing him. He seems so blissfully unaware sometimes of the destruction he has caused and of how sad he is making me. I guess one thing we need to improve is our communication but i feel terrified of saying the wrong things. I also had the feeling if only I had been prettier, nicer or [shudder] more like her but have come to same conclusion: it was not me, it's him. On another thread someone posted they could have pooped unicorn golddust or something like that...
This thread is really a bit of a double edged sword: I feel relieved others are going though this too but sad at the same time. I am lucky to have a friend now IRL who knows what's going on so I'm not so alone anymore off MN.

I also would've walked out straightaway if I hadn't been for the fact that we have two children. Which only just been living in a new country for three months when I find out about the affair and to have move them somewhere again, when they were only just getting over the move would have been difficult .

FrancesDestroyed - i'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think your husband needs to be showing a lot more openness with his phone and his texts. If he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't have a problem. He's the one that has betrayed you and needs to prove himself. I know that's a bit simplistic but you obviously can't trust him when he still being secretive. I'd really recommend looking at some of the resources on survivinginfidelity.com

I remember reading threads when I was a few months out thinking I hope I feel like that but I couldn't see how I would get there. How could people be ok after this. I think marriage counselling has helped a lot as a safe space to talk and he gets so angry at himself when I talk about the affair but he can't run away from me there. I look back now and the first 6 months where horrible. Your trying to get your head round your new reality, still acting the same so your kids think everything is normal and ok, trying to work out who this man is who supposed to be your husband and while also trying to rebuild a marriage. It is a lot. Also had my husband looking at me for a plan as I would always have one when other stuff had happened but for this I had nothing. I did have a breakdown emotional because of it. I used to feel I couldn't say what I wanted as he would leave. I couldn't be angry as he would leave. I couldn't be emotional as he would leave. I am now in a place where I feel if he can't handle it then that's not my fault. It is his. We are here because of him. I have right to feel whatever I feel. Hope this is helpful. Xx