Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

I'm similar to pinkmilk in how I feel now but it's strange because our marriage was good before and during the affair.
I always had preconceived ideas that affairs only happened in bad marriages but it was just a combination of circumstances and a weakness in my DH.
In many ways, heartbreak aside, my life is easier now. I tried so hard to please and look where it got me! I'm more selfish noe and don't feel under pressure and I will never find myself in that situation again.

I didn't stay for my children. I'm still here because I genuinely believe that leaving would be a terrible mistake.

@Pinkmilk38 thank you, your posts are really helpful! Like you say, at this point when it is all so raw it is hard to imagine feeling ok again. Hard to see how the relationship can be better. You described my situation when you said that the state of the relationship before the affair was 50/50 my doing and his, but the affair is all him. I was unhappy in the relationship but I did not cheat.

@FrancesDestroyed sorry you have had to join us too. Just the number of people already on this thread does show how common this horrid situation is, but it isn't talked about much openly is it? It can be so lonely.

@user1494187262 I heard or read somewhere that happy people do still cheat, if they were as unhappy as they thought they were then they would leave. Plus you think of all the celebrities who have beauty, money, comfortable lives and yet their partners still cheat. It is something within the cheater. I am doing as you said and thinking more about myself and what I need. I put up with a lot of shitty behaviour from DP because I had lost myself, the old me would have nipped that in the bud. It is helpful to hear from you, too, that working through it is possible.

Virtual hugs to everyone X

My marriage wasn't bad. It was good. Really good until he started the affair. Only in the last six months has it ever been bad. And it turns out the snarly nasty him was only once the affair started and either he felt guilty or just annoyed at having to be home with me when he could be out living the high life.

I think it was just exciting for him and he has a bit of an addictive personality. At Christmas he was sneaking around asking my friend's advice and buying me an expensive diamond necklace (we don't do lavish gifts) to express how much he loved me and appreciated my support in being a sahm and getting him through a tough promotion process. By then he had replaced the gruelling promotion stuff for marathon training. Which I also had to support him in given he already worked hundred hour weeks and then had to fit in 50 miles a week running. By the time he actually ran the marathon, little known to me, he had already lined up his next exciting distraction, which involved lots of physical activity of another type.
At that point I was dealing with chicken pox in our children that ended up equating to a month of quarantine for me by the time the second one got it. And I didn't notice his change. Well I did notice a difference. The first time he unexpectedly asked to stay in a hotel at the last minute for no apparent reason I got upset and when he eventually cottoned on to what I was thinking he seemed devastated and got down on one knee while he gave me a heartfelt speech about how much he loved me and would never, had never, could never, would never and I had nothing to worry about. It turns out that this was a week after the first incident and he thought it was a ONS hat he deeply regretted, helping him to be so convincing. He was so utterly convincing that after that I let him stay away as much as he wanted, and he gave various work upheaval reasons why it became five nights a week instead of the previous 3-4. But I didn't nag him about it. ( My mother always told me not to be a nag) I knew he worked hard and travelled a lot and said I would far rather he stayed in a hotel than burnt the candle at both ends to get back here at the crack of dawn only to leave again.

And so it started and I gave him all the rope to hang himself.
He was a snarly arsehole some of the time, probably related to the affair partner. But also we went on a romantic city break together and had a lovely time, and some other fun dates/events, so if there were snarly moments the marriage still wasn't bad overall. I really thought we were fine

Of course, having been convinced to lay off and give him the freedom to stay away more, and while forcing myself not to nag, you can imagine my delight when I read texts to the OW, who he texted literally 500 times a day, saying that it was nice that she was so clingy because usually nobody cared where he was

Oh @Bedraggledmumoftwo what a shock for you. You sound like you have been so supportive and trusting and have contributed such a lot to the partnership. I will tell you my situation as I suppose it may be helpful to know? Sorry if it's long!

I don't suppose I will ever truly know when the affair started in emotional terms and I don't know whether it was the chicken or the egg. I was pregnant with DS2 and my ds1 stopped sleeping well and we started arguing a lot about his sleep. Then DP did some major DIY around the house that took up all of his spare time for about a month, once that was finished he wanted to spend his spare time pursuing his lifelong hobby and wanted to get out of the house because we were arguing so much about everything at this point. I became very anxious and he got frustrated with me but was not helping me out round the house or being emotionally supportive at all. We had drifted apart and were not a team. I do acknowledge this.

Little did I know that someone had started at his work who liked him and made it known to everyone. Apparently he at first found it quite awkward, then they became friends, then flirted and then kissed just before Christmas, he liked the attention. (This is difficult for me because I was very low at this point and felt so alone.) he had by this point become an absolutely nasty, critical and controlling wanker to me, which he says he thinks was out of guilt and stress of keeping the secret- poor, stressed, lying DP! He told me he was working late on a few occasions over a few months when really he was going to hers after work and I just believed him. I started counselling for my anxiety and depression in January and started to feel better, I started to really try with our relationship but he was very resistant to all my suggestions. In Feb (when the physical affair had been going on for a couple of months) I saw an advert for his dream job and told him about it. He started the application process which meant he was out even more (legitimately) and had a lot of work to do, I diligently supported him and took on even more of the home life work load (post c-section). He secured the dream job, was waiting for references from his boss and BAM! His boss said someone had noticed something and they needed to investigate it at work before doing his reference. So my partner came clean because he knew there was a likelihood I would guess with all the stuff at work. He resigned the next day and has been at home since. The investigation amounted to nothing so he is starting his new job soon.

He said that he told himself that it wouldn't harm anyone because I wouldn't ever find out and they had stopped the affair a couple of months ago because he had been feeling so guilty. He thought that the new job was his opportunity to leave the affair behind and the start of a new chapter for us. When I found out I said to him that his behaviour had been so bad that I had been contemplating ending our relationship, especially as all my efforts to repair it were rejected, I showed him tons of descriptions of his manipulative, mean behaviour and he was horrified. He said he could see retrospectively he was doing that but couldnMt believe how bad it was. He knows that the affair was actually harming me all along through his behaviour.

Since I found out I have actually had a massive sense of relief that I wasn't going mad and that he really was that horrible. And also a relief because it is literally like he has snapped back to being the person I knew before, except that before I would never have thought he would do what he has done.

Sorry, hope my last post doesn't come across as too "poor me my story is so bad", which I realise it maybe does! I don't mean it like that, but I was writing it as my thoughts were coming out and I did feel a bit angry thinking about it all again. I'm actually generally a very positive and grateful person and I recognise my life could be a lot worse!

he had by this point become an absolutely nasty, critical and controlling wanker to me, which he says he thinks was out of guilt and stress of keeping the secret- poor, stressed, lying DP!

Exactly the same. Apparently it is very stressful having an affair and then it ends up having an effect on the marriage. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy

They'll need a support thread all of their own won't they, the poor loves?!

I'm 7 months in from finding out about my dh affair. I have mainly good days but the bad days are really hard. Find myself feeling mad at myself for staying as I always said I would leave. I stayed because I love him and can see when I talk about it the pain in his eyes. We are going to marriage counselling which has helped. He still works at the same place as her which I find really hard.

Our relationship has totally changed. He's become the man I first met 17 years ago. Everyday he tries to show me how much he loves me but I just think if you love me that much how could you of done this. I have to remind myself he's not a bad man he just did a bad thing.

I totally relate to that whole DH was being an arsehole while he was having an affair thing. My H was so different, and I can trace it back to the moment he started having an affair. He was so distant and disinterested in both me and the children and then other times was so cold and callous and mean.

The thing is I was saying this to him all the time, telling him that he was different and pointing out how he was different, but he would always claim that he wasn't and if he were, it was because of me. This is all almost is hard to take as the actual fact of the affair itself.

One of the most hurtful things he's told me, was that when he knew he was taking a business trip and was going to see this woman again he bought her a gold necklace. But he was in two minds about giving it to her and he thought that if he decided not to give it to her, he could just give it to me for Christmas instead. That stings a bit. This is not the man I knew and the man that I married. And I wonder how much I know him at all.

@lilymty - i'm sorry that you're going through this also. I feel the same as you, with the effort my husband just been putting in, I feel like our relationship, sometimes, is like it was before things started to go downhill. I just wish, not that I could forget the things that he's done, but that they didn't hurt so much. I just have to keep hoping that it will fade in time.

@WizardOfToss, how are you holding up? I hope that you're feeling a little better than last week. Are you eating OK now?

Do any of you ever get the urge to hire hitmen, i do. Guess that makes me a bad person huh, but betrayal does strange things to you, have you found...?

The pain does ease

I never thought the time would come when it wouldn't be the first thing I thought about when I woke every morning.

Be prepared for triggers that come and bite you on the bum when you're least expecting it. I can talk about it without getting upset now, we even laugh about it sometimes! but reading threads like this, where it is still raw for others brings it back.

I feel we're nearly out the other side. A few things that need to be laid to rest and a different marriage to what we had before.

It's funny you should say that, about Live Actually. We watched it at Christmas and than scene was like a punch to the gut.

FWIW, Wizard, it took my H a couple of weeks to start seeing things a bit more clearly. A couple more lies were uncovered (which set me back no end) and he began properly the process of stopping lying to himself. So while his relationship with the other woman finished on that day, other affair-type behaviour lingered.

I understand totally how you feel Wizard. My DH too is not normally an arse , just has exhibited some arse like behaviour for a period of time, usually stressful times and it is often the 'white knight' in him that causes an issue . Again in my case would appear not to be physical, was all emotional shit, however in my case as it was a real life, real meetings, real person we both knew type situation and with whom he had a lot of one on one time, its a bit different-- but I do totally get what you say about sometimes its easier if someone is a consistent arse or thoroughly nasty (as many DH on this site seem to be) Its harder if its totally out of character

Bum works for me. God, that sounded bad.

Funny, my H's OW was a fairly poor Asian twenty something who allegedly had a sick mother with no health insurance. So good of him to offer to help her out financially while telling me we had to rein in our spending as we were buying a house.

He loved being her rescuer and 'giving her a better life'

I don't think he truly sees it as an affair (no physical contact), but rather a massive fuck up and a reaction to his poor coping skills and inability to express his feelings and needs. Did I mention that the OW was a rape survivor and had an abusive H? That would have rung his bells - he was rescuing her.

@WizardOfToss my partner, although he had sex with her 6 times, also didn't characterise it as "an affair" at first. He said because he didn't love her or want to be with her it was not a relationship. But now he sees it for what it was. A way of explaining it to your DH so that he gets the gravity of his actions could be as Esther Perel puts it (sorry to go on about her!);

An affair is made up of 3 elements- secrecy, an emotional component/ connection on some level and a sexual alchemy. She explains that the sexual alchemy does not have to involve anything physical- "the kids that you only imagine giving can be as powerful as hours of love making" is what she says.

It sounds like he is very remorseful though and that he is willing to do the work to make things better.

The OW in my situation was also a damsel in distress and DP has said that the truth is that he was more concerned about her at the time than he was about me. He feels particularly shameful about that and I think he deeply regrets that this has all tainted what was and should be such a lovely time in our lives.

*The kiss you imagine!

Hi to @MissMHannah @lilymty @DistantSun @yetmorecrap as well like others have said, "welcome" seems the wrong word.

It's good to hear some positive stories of reconciliation. If I wanted to LTB I would have done so already, so I am giving things a chance but I feel that so much work needs to be done I can't confidently say we will get through it. We had a nice day today and I felt so sad that we may not stay together.