Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Wanting to rescue is my dh all over. Ow has
Health problems and had a major op just as it started. "No body understood her but him" when I found out he obviously wasn't messaging her so she sent messages saying she wanted to kill herself because of her health. Anything to get him to message her back. He did, giving her a number of a support line and not to message him again. During my counselling I was told that rescuers and alot more likely to have an affair.

I'm reading this thread with interest. The YouTube video was excellent OP. Thanks.

PP that's interesting about rescuers did the counsellor say why?

Morning all. I have woken up today feeling really sad about everything. I feel sad and angry that I may have to leave my lovely home if we do split, sad that my partner didn't think about me in all of this, overwhelmed by how much work must be done to repair the damage caused. I'm tired of being brave infront of my toddler and trying not to cry. Yesterday we had a nice day as a family and although I felt sad that we may not be able to stay together, I did really enjoy the day. But everything has hit me again this morning like a ton of bricks and I want to stay in bed and cry (I can't but wish I could). Just had to get that out somewhere.

Thanks Wizard. I am going to look at dates for a course I am planning on doing. I can't get away from everyone today to have time alone but will think about this next project which will hopefully be a distraction .

I'm sorry, pp :( It is such a rollercoaster of emotion. I struggled with that, the feeling that I could be having an ok time but then quickly afterwards feeling like a was falling off a cliff into despair and anger and sadness.

As wizard says - try to take some time for yourself, if you can. It's exhausting, living in this nightmare.

Hi ppandj just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread. I just went off and read your original thread and was sad to see that even though you were asking for a handhold you immediately got judged and told you must have no self respect if you didn't ltb.

The quote that struck me most was If my husband cheated, the very last place I'd come for a handhold is on MN.

Which has borne out through my experiences on here. When I initially found out I got a lot of support to LTB. But as soon as I suggested I might eventually reconsider reconciliation I was accused of playing games and told unequivocally that if I took him back he would definitely do it again. While that may be the truth noone can really know and it put me off MN for a bit as I felt attacked.

So thank you for creating a non judgmental and supportive place for us.

Don't think today is going to be a good day for me. I'm in tears already having written that

Thank you bedraggled and wizard, and all on this thread. I think it important really because it is so hard to talk in rl openly about it without fear of judgement, but it is all very LTB here too and yet I do find that a really depressing attitude- that people can't change.

I'm not saying my mind is made up to stay, in fact today I don't know if I can ever get over this (obviously it is so raw still). My partner needs to be a better man for our boys and if he can't change for them then there's no hope of him changing for me.
However, just in the few weeks since I found out I have seen a massive shift in DP's attitude around loads of things. He appears to be really examining himself and the views that he held before, he is contrite and not at all defensive. He is starting the new job, which is a complete career change and his lifelong dream and it will involve an intensive training program. I think that will also change him. Maybe I'm rambling on a bit but I do believe in people's ability to change- we're all changing all the time aren't we? I know he is on best behaviour now and it's the long term that counts. So I believe he will change, but I don't yet know if that will be enough.

How are you doing @Bedraggledmumoftwo? Have you got some support today?

Caught up with the thread. Big hugs to everyone.

My dh also was a completely different person during the affair. I can also pin point the change. I thought it was just because of what we were going through. I couldn't stand him at some points but I stayed and supported him, hoping I would see my dh again. Now he is like he used to be years ago. He actually said he hates the person he was then.

You are all pretty much saying how I felt/feel. You just want someone to listen, not judging in anyway and have understanding about the trauma of discovering an affair.

I had a trigger yesterday. They still come up. They don't hurt sometimes as much as they used to.

Anyway big hugs to you all again x

Discovered affair nearly 2 years ago now. Emotional affair. He never ended up with her, lives with parents. We were married 1 year, no kids.

I have completely changed my life in 2 years, I'm a different person now. He has never stopped contact in all this time, says he loves me etc. However, he still has to work closely with her.

I don't know what to do and I'm completely torn.

I've got some support in the sense that my in laws have the kids but not in the personal sense. I'm surrounded by things that need doing but can't bring myself to actually do any of them because i am feeling so low.

Just had a rejection email for a job I applied for and had sent me into fits of despair and hopelessness. Just feeling worthless and cursing myself for being a sahm to support his stupid career but it was the right thing for our family at the time. If only I'd known then what I know now

I have good days and bad days. This is definitely one of the latter.

I'm sorry, Bedraggled. It is so, so hard. I know nothing will make you feel better, but I'll offer a hug all the same.

I'm sorry bedraggled
We all have bad days. I've been great but had a meltdown this morning and screamed and shouted at DH about 'it'. It doesn't take much to bring it all back. This morning I was just feeling old.

Meg that's awful.
I'm sorry but I'm not sure if you're still together or not?

@Bedraggledmumoftwo so sorry you've had a particularly difficult day. Big non-mn hug from me, too. Has it improved any? I hope so. I really feel for you.

@DistantSun do you mind me asking how long it has been for you?

@MegFlyAway sorry, your situation sounds really tough. Do you still love him? Has the time changed your feelings?

Meg, I think for me, no matter how I felt, would be that he was still working closely with her. I'd want him to never clap eyes in her again.

I'm sorry your going through this...and still :(

We've been separated for 2 years. Both still love each other. It's so hard to decide what to do!

That must be tough Meg. Have you had counselling together or individually?

I'm nearly 2 years on PP

Meg I tolerated them still working together initially and DH explained how he felt about that. I don't want to post publicly but fell free to PM me x

However, more recently, I've felt that them working together doesn't work fornme now. it's like it's the final step

She's leaving

Hi everyone

Hope you are OK.

My dh worked closely with the ow until a few months ago. That makes it harder as he was in contact with her nearly every day and seeing her every working day. I feel better he has finally changed jobs. Made a massive difference.

Anyone feel free to pm if you have any questions.
Xx

Yes pinkmilk
I'm hoping them not working together will make it easier for us. It's obviously hard for me but also difficult for DH seeing her every day.
We just want rid tbh.