Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Sorry Jim all this sucks I am great at giving advice but rubbish in dealing with my own situation. I am stuck in a cycle of everything being great then me turning into a cow bringing everything up and being awful not sure why when everything is going great. Is it I suddenly think whoah u hurt me time to step back? Is it reminding him things are great but I’ve not forgotten everything? Is it because he showed no remorse it wasn’t physical he feels he has done nothing wrong so I have no closure he told me he will still contact her whether I divorce him or not although he hasn’t been on WhatsApp for weeks so I take it they aren’t in contact

Thanks Alphiemoon1
Always easier to give advise I think. The trouble for me as well I would like closure to. Just for her to admit she made s mistake would be a start. It’s not that I want to blame her. The problems with our marriage are both of ours, but she could except partial responsibility

Hi Sparkle. Yes things here are very similar to you. I can go a bit longer now between meltdowns and my husband is really, really trying. He has done a lot of reading and has learned a lot about himself.

We both go to ic too as well as mc. We’re finding the mc helpful although I think you have to be in the right place mentally to start it, we went too early and had to find a new therapist recently as I wasn’t happy.

Weirdly this whole thing has allowed me to be brutally honest with my husband for the first time and I feel like I have a voice again. I am much more my old self then I have been in years.

I totally know what you mean about leaving . I have always said the same, but I would like to try to see if we can make it work. I’ve realised that life just isn’t black and white.

Lucky, I’m glad things are going well for you. It’s a hard road but it sounds like you are making progress.

Agree about things not being black and white. Children make everything much more complicated and I think I would’ve left it we had been childless as I wouldn’t have been willing to put in the work necessary to reconcile, but we do have them and I don’t want to break up the family unless I’m 100% sure it’s the right thing to do. The fact it was brief, he is full of remorse and our marriage was in a bad place at the time are also factors.

I am being much more open and honest about my feelings now too. When all this happened there was a complete breakdown in communication and we were both full of resentment about different issues but not talking about it. Although I’m still very angry and upset it does feel like we’ve reconnected.

Time is a great healer and I’m hoping that by the end of the year things will be much better and we will have moved forward somewhat.

The trouble for me is that my DW doesn’t feel remorse and things have been going on for so long they’ve blended into the marriage. I should have put my foot down months ago when I found the condom.
She should have talked to me ages ago if she was unhappy.
Maybe the past events have been her way of saying she is unhappy but when I try to talk to her or suggest mc she shuts down. I’m not trying to say I’m right she’s wrong.... but we have to talk. And I want to talk and work things out one way or another.
If she doesn’t love me anymore I can’t force her so we need to move on. But she has to say it, maybe she’s not sure what she wants or she wants it all?
I’m glad you guys are working it out.
I’m glad I found this forum because it’s made me realise it’s not a guys on one side and girls on the other thing. It’s a couples and marriage thing.

Jim, it’s easy for strangers on the internet to tell you to leave but it’s such such a hard thing to do in reality. Definitely agree it’s easier to advise others than to know what to do about your own situation! Good luck with trying to talk to her.

Thanks I’ll need it.

yetmorecrap - Yes I think something goes up in a puff of smoke. 'Special bond' - my arse! It has taken a while for me to begin to see things clearly, but I know that it has changed for me. I do still have feelings for him, but I have not been treated in the way I deserve, and do not feel good about myself for staying with him. It has nothing to do with what society or others tell us, but I feel that I am letting myself down by staying with someone who has disrespected me so badly.
StarlightSparkle - My youngest is eight. So I don't know when I am thinking is a better age to end it. I think he knows my feelings have changed. But we are still living as though we are working it out. This is just playing in my mind in the background most of the time. I have told him when arguing that I want to divorce, but he always talks me around. I feel sorry for him!? I don't know if I am doing the right thing in staying with him. I know the kids would be ok in the end, but I can't face telling them and turning their worlds upside down. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I am thinking. My situation is complicated also, because his affair involved some strange pain fetishes. It transpired that my husband has been struggling with very serious self hatred/shame issues due to terrible abuse in childhood that he never spoke to anyone about. So after I discovered the affair, he told me what he had been doing with her and about the abuse, and he has since suffered post traumatic stress syndrome. So he is in a very bad emotional state at the moment, and whenever there has been a mention of us seperating he literaly falls apart. I feel that I owe it to the children to at least wait til he is stronger. I am carrying him and helping him through the PTSD whilst I gain the strength to leave him. I feel very guilty for wanting to leave him because of what he is/has been going through. But at the same time, it is no excuse for shitting on your family and I can't help how I feel.

Feel the same wonderwoman.

yetmorecrap What do you think you will do? I am feeling like this situation is consuming my thoughts and making me crazy - when I should be concentrating on more important things. I either need to work on ways to stop obsessing over it, or end it so i can put it behind me. I wish I could just text him now and tell him I never want to see him again. That is what I would do if there were no children involved.

Wonderwoman, I would have loved so much to have kicked him out (well I did but let him back) and never seen him or spoken to him or anyone associated with him again. Having children does make it very difficult though. One of mine did ask once ‘are you divorced?’ (he’s only 4!) when he was living apart from us. They knew something was amiss as I could barely even look at him for the first 2 months.

I’m sure they would be ok if we split as we would both try hard to make co-parenting work but I don’t want to disrupt their little lives or miss out on 50% of birthdays and Christmases if there’s a possibility I can forgive and reconcile. Is it possible to reconcile and not forgive?! I’m all for rebuilding at the moment but I can’t imagine ever forgiving him for this. I’m a really unforgiving person, which people always say is a bad thing, but I can’t help it. I can hold a grudge forever.

My boyfriend told me he had sex with another woman. I lost my mind. I cried, I drank too much and I avoided him. Then when I wanted to stabilise myself I found myself back in his arms. I was so vulnerable after what happened. I needed familiarity. As months went on I started to resent him for what he did. I felt sick and ashamed of myself. I took the courage at long last and left him. Yes it hurts a lot. Yes I am alone and I miss him. I am back crying again but not drinking this time. What I am saying is take your time to decide don’t rush anything until you have clarity. If you can get space from them for a while do it.

Sparkle on the forgiveness point (not that I’m there yet...!) but I’m trying to look at it from a selfish perspective. I’ll try and forgive for myself, because I don’t want to be forever hurt and bitter and broken by someone else’s actions. That way I could never move forward either within or outside of our marriage. So, forgiveness for me is a proc as of healing and release.

Someone also told me once that forgiveness is an ongoing decision. You don’t just decide and poof that’s it, job done. It’s never going to be that simple, it has to be every day as it comes.

My biggest fear is how will things look in 4 years (or whatever). Will I reach a point of complete disengagement after all of the initial dust has settled?!

I’ve read all the ‘forgiveness is a gift you give yourself’ stuff and I can see there is something in that but I still think I’m going to find it hard. Thinking of it as a gradual process instead of a sudden one is helpful though.

I’ve found in the past couple of weeks the really intense feelings, hysterical bonding, etc have subsided a bit and it feels more difficult as I think that was helping to keep us together. I keep thinking about separation/ divorce but next minute we’re planning holidays together and everything seems good. It’s exhausting.

Maybe in 4 years it will all feel like quite a distant memory? Although I’ve read stuff on here from people who are many years on and still thinking about it every day and finding it hard. Every situation is different I guess.

We didn’t really have hysterical bonding, how did that manifest itself with you? I was SO fucking angry for at least 3.5 months I was just consumed by hatred.

The OW still works at my husband’s work and there’s no way she’s leaving. We’ve had to make the decision to move back to my home country so I can have more support and so we can try and find a balance to our lives.

Has your husband managed to articulate any reasons?

Mine has made a LOT of realisations about himself. He has really made a lot of changes, I worry they will be temporary but he is adamant they will not be.

I absolutely HATE the OW. I was obsessed with her for such a long time, I feel like I’m finally not thinking about her every 2 seconds, just every 10 mins or so now...!

I was incandescent with rage for the first month and a half and could barely stand to be in the same room as him, but after that we started really talking and communicating for the first time in what felt like years. The anger subsided ever so slightly and my sex drive, which had been practically non-existent before, came back with a vengeance! I felt like I did when we first got together and couldn’t keep my hands off him. My emotions were really intense, veering between feeling madly in love and hating him and shouting and crying. That went on for over 2 months but seems to have calmed down just in the last couple of weeks.

He has given reasons and I think it was a bit of a perfect storm. He was extremely stressed with his job and and we were going through a really bad patch in our marriage. We’d completely stopped communicating and being a team and our sex life was badly affected. I was really angry and resentful over a few things but not talking about it and he thought I’d fallen out of love with him as that’s the way I was acting. Hey presto, a new girl starts at work who pays him loads of attention and makes it clear she fancies him and a friendship quickly led to more.

He agrees that none of that justifies his behaviour and he has been incredibly selfish and stupid. If he could turn back the clock and scrub it all out he would and he is genuinely sorry and ashamed.

I hate the OW too. I don’t understand her - she’s single and in her 20s and it seemed like she was just looking for a bit of fun so why not go on tinder to find it instead of pursuing a married colleague with young children. I think she’s a bitch and have told her as much (though have not met her in person). They also still work together though she is supposed to be leaving in the next few months. I can’t wait for that day as it is torture knowing he sees her at work every day.

God your situation sounds almost identical to mine. So, so similar. In my case I know the OW. She’s been to lick here at my house with her husband and 2 children, we’ve been to theirs. We all live very close to each other. I see them all the time. It has been so hard maintaining composure and dignity in public.

I used to also work at their workplace so I have a lot of friends there. They all hate her but she still goes around brazenly. Lots of people know, she’s stil there fronting it out (for reference she has only worked there for 18 months, I worked there for 4 years and my husband for 12 years, so yes I feel she should leave). I know for a fact she won’t leave. She enjoys the money, it’s why she’s still stuck in her unhappy marriage. She likes the lifestyle, swanning around in her car, nice house, children at private school. In all my huge amount of reading, I can only glean that she is completely unhappy.

My husband has given very similar reasons. Primarily work stress (and arrogance and ego off the back of thinking he was the big ‘I am’).

Can I ask, what kind of work your husband is in?

Lucky, I will pm you as I don’t want to out myself!

Of course!

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary. On our 6th he was having the affair.
I have sore fingers from the home STD test I took this week.
He is working this weekend but came home early yesterday with flowers and a card. He could have come home early today but chose yesterday.
I told him how hard today would be for me, how I felt that I couldn’t celebrate something I consider as dead since the day he crossed the line with the OW. He’s hurt by my feelings of sadness and pain.
I went out last night with the wives of his friends he is going away with in a few weeks and he had his usual mini sulk about it.
So much has changed and yet nothing has.
I’m so tired of feeling, of not feeling, of thinking, of just existing and of worrying about STD’s, of the lies and omissions.

I want to crawl under a rock and not have to deal with anything.

Really not sure wonder woman. In my case it's something that was happening a long time ago, so it's different to many peoples situation, but I do feel i was taken for a complete mug for quite a while. I am hugely angry I guess, but feel particularly cross that he has a bad porn habit too that he doesn't know I know and I mean multiple times a week whilst I am out. At a time he is meant to be making me feel safe, secure and to build trust it feels like Another betrayal. I know some have no issue with it and in all fairness I don't with 'occasional' or 'away from home' but that's not the same as 4 times a week at home etc .

Big hugs screaming fingers crossed your test results come back clear

Sorry Screaming, that sounds tough. Do you think he chose to give you the flowers and card the day before because he thought it might be too painful for you on the actual day?

I know exactly how you feel about crawling under a rock. I seem to have suffered a major relapse in the past week. The hysterical bonding has worn off and without those intense feelings I’m really struggling. I feel like I don’t want to try any more and I wish I was someone else and not me so I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this.

I think he did give me the flowers early because he knew how I felt.
I feel like everything is a major effort for me at the moment.
Results came back clear- so that’s a relief although he has never admitted to having sex I just don’t believe him and I don’t know how I feel about that.

How is the communication in general starlight? Without the HB has is dried up?

I still want him to look at the why and what he got out of the affair. I feel that there has been a shift and he feels justified in minimising the affair more, shifting the blame onto the OW.

screaming excuse my naivety. Why the regular STD tests?