Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Sorry to come on here just to share and get advice too now. Just found out that my wife had an affair 10 years ago. I'd my suspicions at the time but it all seemed to resolve itself and we have had a good marriage - 22 years in, 2 lovely sons of 20 and 16.

So I found out that this 'friend' had died. She had known but hadn't told me, which raised suspicions. A quick (shameful) look at her search history brought up "Stories about affair and the man died". Subtle.

Anyway, it all came out. She was in love with him - which is the bit that hurts so much. Affair lasted maybe a year - and he gave her an ultimatum to leave me and she decided she couldn't, and stayed. She says not sexual - I think I believe her, but in many ways an EA is worse. It was all 9 years ago and I believe her that she broke it off and has been faithful ever since.

Anyway - I don't know what to feel. She is very remorseful and wants to fix things. Says she always loved me. I believe her - she chose me after all. Has anyone brought it back from the brink - and how? The ups and down are terrifying even 2 weeks on from finding out. She is remorseful but also has bereavement issues around this (alongside a raft of other people dying young including her best friend - which I think was a part of a trigger for this).. hope not too confusing..

Thanks

I am about a year and a half after the shock of discovering that my husband was having an affair. I am pretty much over the unimaginable devastation and heartache that I felt for so long. I have stayed with him, but I am not happy to be with him anymore. I don't care how sorry he is, or what the reasons are. Nothing he can do will change the fact that I don't feel the same way about him anymore. I am faking it for the kids for now. But I can't do that forever.

He lacks the strength of character to make the right choices - to be faithful and loyal to his family. Family is more important than sex and ego. He has been dishonest and deceitful, so I never believe anything he says anymore. I would not marry the man I know now, and I would no way still be with him if it was not for the children.

Of course he is ashamed and remorseful. But if I hadn't found out, what would have happened? He would still be doing it, or acting as though he never did. I actually feel sorry for him. Instead of working to make things better with me, he looked for someone else - and screwed it all up.

When you go to meet the other woman for the first time, you know what you are doing. You know how much you have to loose. You decide that it is worth the risk and do your best to not get caught. You are not worthy of your wife and family!

I am trying not to be resentful and bitter about it. I focus on my children and work and look forward to the day when I don't see his cheating face again :)

I guess for me the hardest part is the deceit and the lack of trust after. I think it’s possible to change but things have to be very open and honest after. The person who had the affair has to keep now secrets after. It may not make for a great marriage I’m not sure. But if you can’t forgive because you can’t trust the I guess it won’t work.

Would you not leave Wonder? Or not until the kids leave home? Do you think your husband knows how you really feel?

If I stayed until the kids leave home that would be a very long time as they are only young. I don’t think I could do that to myself if I hated him. I wouldn’t say I hate him at the moment (well, only sometimes) but I don’t think it’s fully sunk in yet as it’s only been a few months.

Kids pick up on things if u stay when your not happy. I think it will work out if you really aren’t happy and the kids will be fine. Maybe better then if u stayed together. As long as you don’t dwell and say bad things about your husband/wife to the children. Some friends of mine are going through a divorce and the mother often says nasty things about the husband in front of the children. And she is the one who had an affair and wanted a divorce.
At the end of the day the other half is still their father or mother.

jim wise words about the kids . Either we decide to stay and do our best to rebuild it or we just split. Kids do pick up on the vibes. Splitting when get are old enough is not good at all : they mind feel guilty that their parents had to suffer each other presence for their sake. IMHO it is also imperative to tell the kids about the affair-adjusting the info to thrir level. IMHO the sex stuff must always be "minimised" (our "trigger" per excellence!) Kids are not interested in us parents as sexual beings-I think. It is gross in their eyes even when they grow. jim if she persists on evading open cpnvetsatipns then you can tell the kids: look dear; adults sometimes loose each other; it is what I feel now; I feel that your mother is withdrawing from me; I don't feel her as close as I used to; I would have liked to go to counselling with her so that she can open up in the presence of a third impartial party but she refuses. I don't know why. She would not tell. I feel sge does not want me in her life. Fair rnough. So i thonk the best is if we just separate for a while and tjink it through. You must know that even if our srparatipn turns out to be drfinitive you are and will always bevan integral part of my life abd integral part of hers. Each of us love you and will forever etc...no need to speak about suspicions/cameras and sex. ..and indeed jim take a break and see how it goes; also go on your own to a therapist ; they might help you seeing more clearly in your life... (why ddid you put a camera in your office? Is it a common practice in your Co? Are you self emplyed? What are the purposes of this camera?

I put it in as a cheap security camera. Also to watch W as we often work different hours and I was suspicious at this point. I Realised after there was sound. However sound quality is not great. People need to be standing right by the camera to be heard. W talks to her friends after work sometimes and it has given me some insight. She won’t talk to me but says things to them. Usually just a 1/2 the story. Like I’m paranoid and always checking up on her omitting the part about me finding a condom in her pocket or meeting up secretly with a guy.

Oh I see Jim. It is tough but IMHO the only thing you can do is building yourself (counselling just on your own -to accept your past as an adopted kid and to be able to deal with the cards fate put in your hands so as to turn them into your advantage) ; talking with the kids (no need to tell about the condoms or suspicions-just that she refuses to go to counselling or build any common life etc) ; and trying a separation until you are strong and clear enough about your future (as an individual- you will always be the dad of your kids...

I guess separation doesn’t work for me. I know you have to separate first, but we’ve been separated in essentially for 6 years as I have been working away. I’ve only been home 2 months of the year due to work. That is how we’ve managed to pay for our house. I’ve given up my job away to be with the family. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 3 years ago and although I kept working for a year after my treatment I had enough. I had enough years before but we needed the money. So we’ve already been separated and it wasn’t good for me. I think my wife preferred it. Well I’m sure.
Things had happened before I went away and were unresolved. While I was away who knows. But when I got back it got worse.

But your aren’t happy in your marriage either Jim and you deserve to be happy not with someone you don’t thinks wants to be with you and is taking you for granted. I know your dw refuses counselling but would u go for individual counselling?

Wonder Woman, that post hit a nerve with me too, only difference with me was it was something way in the past (11 years prior) but found out around totally by chance when I emptied a drawer , around same time as you, the big issue to me is 'changed feelings' . They can be remorseful, still love you to bits etc, but for many on here I think 'something' just goes up in a puff of smoke and you realise your 'special bond' wasn't quite what you thought it was and you no longer feel special enough!!

How old are your dc wonder? I understand holding off separating if they have exams or something But don’t think I could stay just for the kids sake

Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend sadly I work in retail so only been off today pfft

We’ve had a lovely weekend and loads of fun with the kids, but it upsets me that he would jeopardise all of this for nothing. If we end up splitting up because of his affair it’ll never be like this again, which would be so sad for all of us.

Hope you had a good Easter Sunday Alfie x

Just when I think I’m doing okay something triggers me off.
His wedding ring, holding my hand in the car. Did he do that with her? I’m thinking yes because he held her hand while out for lunch.
Is it worse to know for sure or just imagine?

It’s our wedding anniversary next weekend. :,(

We have been getting on so well recently until he had a conversation with the cat last night and I took the humph. Cat was mithering for food said to dh I had just fed him so he goes all ooh kitty is she calling u a liar don’t worry she calls me a liar all the time as well gggrr. I am tired and stressed with working the dryer has broke running dd to and from her part time job so I took it as a dig at me so stupidly instead of leaving it ended up sending him a stroppy text basically stating well he is a liar and giving some examples. Not seen him yet today as I’ve been in work and he works nights so will find out later if he’s not speaking to me lol he’s not been on WhatsApp for weeks but part of me is wondering if he is now using Facebook messenger which he hasn’t used for a few years or if they haven’t spoken to each other

Well he’s got up spoke to dd said bye to the dog but not spoke to me obviously months of getting on is to boring for him. Yes I may have overreacted to his comment but to me it was a passive aggressive dig at me for calling him a liar and he’s bloody lucky I only mentioned the latest lie not the whole 2 years worth lol. This is his doing not mine.

Anyway you cut it it’s cr@p to be betrayed and lied to. You will always have great times with your kids but it will be different but better overall. I’m also trying to decide what to do. I’ve been getting good advice on here. Some directed at me and most just from reading others posts. Your not alone on here.

I’m trying to decide what to do now. I’ve tried MC but she wouldn’t go. I went to to sessions but stopped after she wouldn’t go to any. She had promised she would but backed out. She hasn’t admitted to an affair and I can’t prove she has. We have been in separate bedrooms for months now. She moved back in briefly but after I tried to talk to her about our problems she moved back out. She said she moved into the spare bedroom so sho could sleep but it seemed to happen after we had talked.
I don’t get angry or yell at her I just try to talk about us. She gets angry and defensive when we discuss our marriage and the things I’ve discovered. She avoids being alone with me if she can.
I suggested that if she doesn’t want to go to MC with me we try and spend time together every week either going for a drink, meal or a walk. She sort of agreed to this but we’ve done this once when I pushed for us to go out for a drink. We went out for an hour.
We haven’t had sex or any intimacy for almost 3 years! And before that it was sparse. She won’t hug me unless I hug her.
All the signs are there that the marriage is over but she won’t talk to me about it. I don’t want to end it but I CANT live like this. We’ve got the 3 kids 12-16 years old which makes it difficult. But we need to be happy to. I’ve said this to her but she doesn’t really answer.
I would like to know what happened in her words but even if she can’t talk about it now I can’t live like this. I need some intimacy and love. Sounds corny I know but we all need to be held and talk. I’ve (we’ve) been through a lot with my cancer and treatment and I don’t want pity but I need something. Things weren’t great before my diagnosis 3 years ago but are worse.
Our lives are complicated and difficult we both work long hours, money is tight, her parents live in an annex practically in our house, 3 kids, my cancer, but every family has problems.
So do I give her an ultimatum? I don’t want to seem like a threat but I don’t know what else to do?

I think you should. Nothing else has worked. Tell her you can’t go on like this and explain how unhappy you are. Say you feel like your marriage is over but you want to try mc as you would love to be able to save it if possible, but if she’s not willing to try you want to separate.

When faced with the prospect of you actually leaving it might snap her into action or it might not. If it doesn’t then you should separate as she clearly doesn’t want to save your marriage and the current situation seems to have reached the point where it’s untenable for you (completely understandably).

You deserve to be happy and your wife is being very selfish and unfair to you.

Starlight how are you doing? I haven’t read the thread fully as I’ve just found it, but I remember you from one of my own threads and we are in a ridiculously similar boat. How are things at home for you?

Hi Lucky, good to hear from you and welcome to the thread. Things for me are very much still a rollercoaster ride. We’ll have a few days where everything feels normal and we don’t talk about it but then the slightest thing can trigger a total meltdown. I will then get very angry and upset that he could do this to me and that our relationship is forever tainted and will never be the same. I also struggle with the fact that in principle I think I should leave as I always vowed that I would if this happened, but at the moment, despite everything, I don’t want to.

Although I’m still finding it very tough and it’s always on my mind, things are definitely easier than they were a few months ago so I suppose that is progress.

How are things with you? Are you still doing the mc and has it helped? We haven’t started yet as have both been having ic but are looking to start in the next few weeks and I’m really hoping it’s going to help.

Jim I think it’s time to give your dw an ultimatum u deserve to be happy and are prepared to try to work on your marriage but she seems to be keeping u in limbo

Yes I know I’ve got to do it. It’s difficult because I know the next step is divorce. I’ve tried all the options I can think of and am left with 2. Carry on living as I am in 1/2 a marriage or give the ultimatum. If I give it I have to be ready to back it up. It breaks my heart to do it but it’s destroying me to stay.
I feel ripped apart and in pain.
I’ve faced huge storms at sea but this fills me with dread. Similar to when I found out I had cancer. But I know I have no alternative.
My dw was quite smiley this evening but then went to bed without even a goodnight in the spar bedroom. At least I’m in the master bedroom in the super king size bed. Well I need to grow a pair and find time to talk to her this weekend.
Thanks guys.