Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

We’re having MC. He booked the day after I found out. He always refused before so it’s part of the reason I’m trying because he has made efforts.
I have spoken to a phone counsellor but I want him to look at his reasons for the affair.

His counsellor sounds crap. What’s your like

Mine’s pretty good. I find it helpful talking to her and getting things off my chest and she helps me to see things from another perspective. She gives H a hard time too, which I enjoy

The intention is to start MC soon, so we’ll see how that goes. Hopefully it’ll be someone who will want to delve into why he’s done this, and not someone who tries to blame me!

Just bumped in to one of my oldest friends. He asked how OW and her H were- we were inseparable as teenagers me, OW this friend and another. Immediately the shaking started! I thought that was over!
I said I didn’t have anything to to with them anymore and told him why. I won’t lie to protect her. She’s vile and people should know. Three affairs with married men while pretending to be friends with their wives.
He knows what it’s like affairs ended his marriage. He said “what is wrong with her? It was bad when it was (1st Married man) but to do that to you!”
Made me feel better. Both the other part of our four musketeers know now.
H knew something had happened when I came home. He’s really in tune with my emotions now, said all the right things, apologised, gave me affection and was ok with me telling.
Still a bit shaken.

It’s good you outed her. She shouldn’t be allowed to hide. 3 affairs with friends’ husbands?! She really does have no morals and you are best shot of her.

It’s good that your h recognised you were upset and did the right things.

I had H’s brother and family staying this weekend and it felt a bit awkward. They know what happened though of course with us all being English it didn’t get mentioned! I felt relieved when they left as I don’t know how to act. It can’t be all happy families like nothing has happened but I can hardly hide in my room all day trying to avoid them! I’ve already told him he can go to the next family function on this own!

I’m sooty you had an awkward visit and you feel like family gatherings are not something you want to do. He should be the awkward one!

Sooty!!! Sorry

Hi I just want to say I’m a man on the other end of this. I’m sure my wife is having/had an affair. I had a “gut” instinct something was wrong. But then Found a condom in my wife’s pocket. Always emotionally pushing me away, no physical contact, very defensive, everything is my fault, very secretive, change in clothing style, more makeup, doesn’t want to spend time together etc. She won’t go to counselling with me and doesn’t want to talk. Not sure what she wants. It’s the lies and the fact it makes me suspicious about everything.
If you both want to work together there’s a chance but love and relationships should be 2 way. It’s not always easy.

He is awkward if it involves my family but not so much if it’s his. To be honest he didn’t get a hard time from his family when it all came out, more sympathy that he was upset and not with his kids because I kicked him out! They’ve minimised his behaviour when speaking to me ‘he made a terrible mistake, etc.’ It’s annoying as it’s almost condoning what he’s done.

Jimuk sorry to hear what you are going through. From everything you’ve said, it sounds likely she is cheating. Did you confront her about the condom? Has she been spending more time away from home and do you know who she might be seeing?

I think if people refuse counselling it’s because they want the current situation to continue - ie to have their cake and eat it. She might feel differently if you found out for certain. Have you ever looked at her phone to see if you could find messages (though these can be deleted)?

StarlightSparkle thanks it’s difficult. I have looked on her phone ages ago. That’s how i saw some messages. She deletes a lot. But has changed has added a passcode. She has a good friend that has cheated on a her husband (they are both friends of ours) who have now separated. Her 4 closest friends are all recently separated or divorced. Not that that is causing the problem but it doesn’t help. We don’t do anything with other couples. When I suggested it she wasn’t interested.
I can’t prove anything but there are to many coincidences. Also she was meeting up with a guy which I found out about but swore it was nothing. And of course my fault for being paranoid and controlling.
I’m at the end of my patience. Not angry just fed up! , Well pissed off as well :-/
I understand that people fall out of love and maybe fall for another but we need to be straight about it. Honest. Thanks for your support I hope you can resolve your situation.

Do you have children? Is that what is stopping her from leaving do you think? She is gaslighting you and it sounds like she has completely checked out of the marriage.

Personally I wouldn’t be able to put up with that sort of behaviour and would tell her I want to separate. At the moment there are no consequences to her bad behaviour so she will keep doing it. I kicked my husband out when I discovered his infidelity and it was the best thing I could have done as it made him realise what he stood to lose. He’s very lucky that I’ve given him another chance and he won’t be getting any more.

We’ve got 3 children 12, 15, and 16. You are right she has checked out emotionally from the marriage. I need to put my foot down. My trouble is I think that my family means so much to me. Maybe because I was adopted and never knew my birth parents. But I’m guessing it means the same to most people. It’s ironic that I spent years away working to support my family and keep them in a decent lifestyle only to lose them. I know I’m not losing my kids just the family. But in reality it’s not there anyway. Or at least my marriage isn’t.
I spent years working at sea facing storms but this scares me.

It’s so much more difficult when there are children involved and I can understand why you’re not putting your foot down. It’s actually her that would be breaking up the family with her behaviour rather than you, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I wouldn’t be giving my husband another chance if we didn’t have kids. We still might split up but I wanted at least to try and repair things. Due to his very demanding job I would hope to get custody if we did split (I don’t think he could realistically ask for 50/50 unless he made drastic changes) but I hate the thought of missing Christmases, holidays, birthdays, etc. My children are very young so have their whole childhoods ahead of them.

It’s so hard to know what to do for the best.

Sorry you are joining us Jimuk.

Have a look at the surviving infidelity website. Specifically the 180 thread.

It’s a shit place to be but we’re here with you

So sorry u are joining us Jim. Did u confront her about the condom? Yes it’s really hard when kids are involved and I totally understand the gaslighting and playing down bad behaviour. The changing password on her phone is a red flag I have had to deal with and it makes u paranoid they are hiding things as is deleting messages.

Afternoon1 I did confront her about the condom when it happened. It happened 1 day when I came home. I found a couple of strange items on our bed and a pair of her trousers on the bed I hadn’t seen. A tight stretchy camouflage pair of trousers so I picked them up felt the pocket and found a condom. One that I had bought for us. We keep them in a drawer by the bed. I Checked the drawer where I kept them and there was one missing. I asked her about it and she got very defensive and angry at me and said she had found on the floor or in a bag in the house and had picked it up. I should of said then but I waited a day. I guess I was just shocked! I confronted her a day later and said that I knew there was a condominium missing and she hadn’t just found it. She got angry and defensive again said actually had got it for a married friend who fancied a guy. But couldn’t tell me who because I knew the couple. But that the girl friend didn’t know she had the condom. She eventually gave me a name, a married couple who are very close friends.
We talked and I said that I didn’t think she should help a friend of ours cheat on her husband. She said well actually it was more of a joke really. I said I don’t really see the funny side of the joke. She didn’t say much after that.there have been other little things as well. Nothing absolute. But to many coincidences to be a coincidence.i found an article about affairs in her pocket after her friend had been over. A few years ago I was helping my wife with her phone and there was a dating app on it.
She said ohh i don’t know how that got there.
I’ve been to easy going. And now I’m paying the price

She was obviously lying about the condom. You caught her out and next story was even more implausible - why couldn’t her friend buy his own condoms? Apps don’t just appear out of thin air. It does sound like it’s been going on for a long time...

I wish I knew what to advise.

Jim I don't know what to say. I am sorry you joined us and our tribe of betrayed is growing. It looks that there is a common characteristic to betrayed: we are head down, working hard to build our family life, fully confident that we can trust out partner like they trust us and then...They shatter everything....can you try to tell her: look YOU have to come with me to MC because I need that if WE BOTH want to keep our family together; if you refuse to come then I must understand that you have checked out of our family and common life...

Starlightsparkle the condom was allegedly for a female friend for her to cheat on her husband, also a friend of ours. She was protecting the friend supposedly. But then changed the story to a joke when I said it wasn’t great to help a friend cheat on a friend. Those 2 did just get separated since that. If it was just that I could let it pass, but it is many little things that don’t add up.
Kidsneedfathers your right it takes 2 to be in a relationship. I’ve been trying to get her go to counselling with me but no luck yet. Or at least start doing things together. Just the 2 of us. It’s my last attempt at keeping the marriage going. But can’t take much more as it drives me crazy sometimes. Keeps me churning it over in my head. Not good for my health. I’m having to slowly chip away to an answer that I feel that I already know.

Jim I really dont know what to say/think. Is she taking you for granted-given that you want so.much to keep the family together? Did she already checked out and is now trying to bring you to break the family so that she comes out of it "clean"? I dont undrtand her game...did you ask her clear questions such as:" do you still want to keep the family together? Do you want to break up?" If she asks why do you ask then you can bring up to get the fact that she is not willing to have dates with you that she is not willing to talk through the issues - she must grow up and understand that your ferlings are serious issues and that she must respect them if you are to stay together....anyway if thee will be a break up then please remember that you did all you could to keep the family together; and even after the break up there are things that can be negotiated to keep your kids feeling lived by both of you and part of a family...Good Luck

I agree she’s taking u for granted jim dating apps don’t suddenly appear and the condom story makes no sense.

@jimuk everything you are doing is the same as we all did, you are in denial, I had the gut feeling the red flags but chose to believe he would never do it to me, I was so wrong, she was married to. Her husband also said the same to me he had ignored all the signs because he didn't want to think she could do that to him or her kids. I was so close to hiring a private detective to confirm it as I was driving myself crazy and he would laugh and lie to me when I asked him if anything was going on, He lied to me for over a year, He treated me poorly was distant but still was happy to have sex whenever he wanted it, belittled me and made me question my own mental health. When they are at that point, You are no longer a thought to them just an inconvenience, they as you have rightly said checked out, switched off and left the marriage already, you are already going it alone, you are already lonely, You now have two choices, she will not tell you what is going on you will have to find out and prove it yourself, and decide with what you find if you can move on with her, or call time on it our explain that it is her that has brought you to this point. Its horrible and painful and you would not wish this on your worst enemy, But even after all I have been through I would still want to know.

I know I need to give her an ultimatum. Either she she tells me the truth or I we get a divorce and I let out what I know. The difficulty is that I would have to tell my kids or at least the older ones. And I would have to use the kids as leverage in a way that I don’t like.
If doesn’t say what I already know then I let her story out how she said the condom as for a friend. I’m not sure I could do that. Although it’s not me that did it.
I have security camera at our work. Her girlfriend that she allegedly helped cheat works for us 1 day a week and they chat but my wife never says much. I know more about the friend and how she cheated. There is sound on the camera. I have also heard my wife spreading lies about how paranoid and controlling I am but never how she did anything.
I nearly said something about it but I don’t want the camera discovered.

And thanks all for your support. I don’t know that many people where we live as I’ve been away working and not from the village where we live. We also doesn’t seem to know many couples anymore. All my wife’s single girlfriends.