Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Not regular tests just the one since finding out about the affair. The OW has had affairs with 2 other married men, one is a regular drug user and the other is known as a player. Her Husband has confessed to numberous ONS and prostitute use. My husband had an affair with this slut. I wanted to know I was safe.
Quite easy the local clinic gave me a pack and I took it home, swan for the neather region and a finger prick for blood. Pop it in the post and 3 days later you get the results via text.

We are still talking about things Screaming but I’m being a lot more negative than I was before. The HB was helping us to reconnect after the initial fall out but now I just feel numb and confused. A couple of weeks ago we were making plans for the future but now I just think what’s the point. I’m hoping it’s just a phase and that mc will help.

Glad your results were clear, at least that is something.

Glad your results were clear screaming. I am not sure if I had got my libido back after coming off the pill or it was hb. It was fun whatever it was however sorry tmi dh has had 2 occasions where he has been unable to finish which I have blamed my self for and has knocked my confidence. He doesn’t fancy me I am not her etc He has also started on protein shakes and using grey hair reducing shampoo which I supported even bought for him but then after he couldn’t perform I accused him of doing all that to try and find another woman. As usual no reassurance from him

Unlike most of u this was all and nothing she doesn’t even want him but the lies he’s told I go over and over them. Him going for a drink with after dog walking which he at first denied then said they only went because they were cold wet and muddy but as they had the dogs they had to sit outside anyway surely going home and getting dry would have been the better option. Conveniently he can’t remember whose idea it was it was mutual apparently like everything they have done or discussed it even bugs me who paid for the drinks. I feel like I keep going round in circles happy for a while then dragging it all up but as far as he’s concerned nothing happened and it’s me causing problems

What should I do? It’s my wife’s birthday soon. Do I buy her a birthday present? She has already bought herself one. My last birthday she was in Waitrose and grabbed a few things off the shelves and that was it.
I was trying to convince her to come to marriage counselling at around that time which she refused in the end.
She is has been in the spare bedroom for 3 months. We haven’t had sex for 2 1/2 years now. At first because of my cancer treatment now because she won’t sleep in the same room.
If I don’t buy anything I’ve got the awkward question when her friends and family say what did you get her for her birthday. Maybe I should say I’m getting her a divorce.
Alfiemoon I know what u mean about going around in circles.
I was hoping it would get better if I had some definite answers from her. I keep churning around 1/2 truths, lies, and what I’ve managed to find out. I sometimes have conversations with her in my head where I explain exactly what I feel. Guess I’m going crazy.

I've been lurking on this thread since January and it's been comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

I see my friends and family with their husbands and wives and I am so irrationally sick with jealousy. I'll never have what they have again, all I'm left with is a tainted sham where I feel like I die a little more each day that I stay with him.

Why do they hate us so much that they do this to us? Are they so broken that they need to break us too?

My rational mind understands the how it happened and the why it happened. My heart refuses to accept it and I don't know where to go from here.

If it’s terrible to be with him then maybe the answer is to make the move to split apart. Unless both pattners are willing to work at the marriage then it’s not working.
I know what I need to do it’s getting the courage to do it. I’m worried about my kids and what will be said. I have no substantial proof just a bad emotionless marriage and having caught meeting up with another guy and a condom in her pocket another time. All explained away with various changing and shifting lies. Like trying to build a house in quicksand.
I’m trying to get to the base of the problem but there is no real communication just it’s all my fault.
If it’s not working and you guys can’t work it out then you need to get out.
But that’s just my confused opinion while trying to sort out the quagmire that is my life and marriage.
On a happy notevtge weather is supposed to be better next week.😃

I'm trying to explain to 'd' h why it hurts so much that people we know know what happened when I didn't know (both work in the same place. As does OW) can anyone help with this. I'm struggling to be clear and the words aren't coming out.

I to am driving myself crazy analysing everything Jim as far as dh is concerned nothing happened all conversation regarding that it is over. We are getting on fine communicating well with every thing else it’s just me who can’t seem to move on. He can’t seem to get how insecure he’s made me feel but I know apologies and emotions aren’t his thing so I am never going to get an apology or him being lovey dovey with me but that is what I need to move on

I am just having a crap time at the moment umerous disaster with household appliances an elderly mother who sometimes speaks to me like shit no matter what I do for her stroppy teenage kids and the problems with dh sometimes I just want to be appreciated sometimes I just want to feel loved. Sorry just feeling sorry for myself tonight

Alfienoon1 it’s not over till u say it’s over if he is the one doing the lying. I’d ask all th qustions you want. Be rational not angry if you can, just explain why you feel bad. I think we all deserve some love. Sounds corny I know, but I really miss being able to sit next to me wife just with a bit of contact knowing she is their.

Things are ok with me right now. It all fills up to bursting point and we have a session of talking it out and I feel better after. He hates it. I still feel there is a barrier up, a wall where he is using the 8years as an excuse. When we talk something else comes out that reaffirms my belief he is holding back.
I need him to be honest with himself more than anything.
I find myself being really careful with my words, trying not to be harsh or snide so the dialogue is kept open.
It is so easy to bite back when you’re in pain but it doesn’t help him open up if I snipe.

I know the feeling screaming. My words are carefully picked apart and used against me. I’m trying to keep a dialogue open but in reality it’s just me talking

So, My husband’s OW is still his work colleague. His work have been very reluctant to do anything as ‘nothing has been contractually breached’ and she’s a favourite of the M.D.

The M.D. has invited us to his birthday party and while my husband hmmed and haaaed over it, she and her husband have accepted so I said fuck it, we’re going too.

I’m turning the screws. That bitch can squirm and I’ll relish it.

Am I a complete idiot?

For reference we all live in a very small locality, we all know each other (I’ve been to their house (OW and her husband) for lunch and vice versa). I see her husband almost daily.

I used to work in their place of work too so I have a lot of friends there. She has only worked there for about 18 months. I discovered the affair 5 months ago. It was mostly emotional but they had sex once (immediately regretted by my husband and when she mentioned doing it again he flatly refused)

I get the impression that the OW now considers herself very powerful as a consequence of how work has responded and also as her husband said to me ‘he would do anything to make it better’ (ie she really hasn’t faced a huge amount of consequences)

Is this the stupidest idea I’ve ever had?

Hmm, I don’t know! If it were me I don’t think I could face going but I’ve never met the OW and she is 10 years younger. I wouldn’t like her meeting me and thinking she is somehow better or more attractive than me.

How would it make you feel if instead of squirming she gives you smug looks? She sounds rather shameless.

On the other hand if they are going to be working together for the foreseeable future then you’ll probably have to face her some time, especially if you live in a small place so maybe it’s better to get it over and done with? Is it a big party where you could get away from her if you wanted or would you have to talk to her? Will any of your friends be there?

Go for it- make her squirm, make sure your OH is on board with making you the sole focus of his attention that night. Tell him he isn’t to interact with her at all and he must not do anything to make you uncomfortable. You don’t want to have to be hunting for him or even appear to be concerned about where he is etc etc.
Get you hair done, make up new dress feel great and be confident. She should be ashamed and embarrassed, you need to project confidence and happiness.
I don’t think I’d drink as I wouldn’t be able to control the urge to slap her myself.
Be dignity personified- Emma Thompson in love actually

Ignore my advice but not sure I could go as I would make a tit of myself I would probably overdo everything and look like a tranny then be over clingy with dh putting on a happy show and if I had a drink not that I am a confrontational aggressive person would probably end up slapping the ow lol

@Luckystar1 : just wait for OW to throw a tantrum. Before going in be sure you'll be able to handle that.

I’m intending to drive, I want to remain completely in control. I will know a lot of people there all of whom will know about the affair. I can’t possibly see her thinking that she could be smug, it would reflect really badly on her as it’s a social setting and I think she isn’t aware of just how many people I know. Although of course it could all go wrong!!!!

She’s the exact same age as me and I don’t consider her to be more attractive, in fact everyone has told me the exact opposite. She also looks a LOT older than she is.

I feel like the dog needs to know who the boss is!

When is this party- i’m Excited and nervous for you at the same time!

I see the OW every Weekend as she runs the younger section of the youth group while I run the older. She can’t look me in the eye. I do have to practice my breathing if I see her chatting happily to parents so I don’t shout something inappropriate at her.

Go for it then! Sounds like you’ll have plenty of support and not drinking is a good idea so you’re in complete control. I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions if I got smashed at an event where the OW was in attendance!

It will be a big message to her that you are still enjoying life and you aren’t going to hide away from her. Hopefully she’ll feel really bloody awkward.

You’ll have to let us know how it goes!

It’s not for another 2 months. So I’m already mentally preparing 😂

Oh my goodness Screaming good on you!

I was in my husband’s work today and knew she was in a particular room so I purposely walks our youngest past just to rub her nose in it.

I’m going through a stage of really really hating her right now. Like really! I haven’t hated her like this before. Her mum tutors my youngest child and although she knows and is mortified I wan’t to say so much to her. I can imagine the whore sugar coated a lot of the story and because her husband hit her during the period they told me she’s a victim!
Now I don’t condone domestic abuse and she should have pressed charges and left I can totally understand his behaviour for the past 8 years. He’s been possessive, paranoid and stalky but he hasn’t really because she had an affair with my husband and he knew. It must have killed him when she came to our house, when she spent time here. They were never NC. I think I believe it has been over since they said but OMG I get it all now.

It's 13 months since I caught H out with his affair and 9 months since his last contact with her....she texted him in Sept, so 7 months since her last contact.

I feel very empty.
The tears, heart wrenching hurt and red hot anger have gone, but I just feel empty. Some days my heart feels absolutely nothing.
What do others feel/go through at this stage?

There's something called the 'lethal plain of flatness'. After the agony and white hot fury ebbs away and the hysterical bonding is over, you've left with this empty and detached feeling during the healing process. I read about it on a surviving infidelity forum. I think it's your heart and minds way to protect you from any further trauma.

I don't know what is normal but I've read that the first 6 months is when the betrayed spouse deals with the agony of the betrayal and devastation then at the 6 months mark, rage kicks in. I'm definitely in the rage phase.