Future Faking - Give me the downlow to arm myself!

[misszp]

After posting about my 'new guy' recently (who is now very much an 'ex guy'), I learnt the term 'future faking' from another poster. It is a term I've never heard of and have been reading up on and it is a slap in the face; shit I've been future faked and I didn't even know that was a thing!

I'm really working on myself right now as I have in the past attracted the wrong types (I tend to be a fixer who falls into minor codependent relationships) and I want to increase my bullshit radar for the future...

A very few simple questions;

1, I understand future faking can go hand in hand with narcissism etc, but can generally nice people 'accidentally' future fake due to their own hopes of the relationship?

2, Can a future faker let their actions speak in the beginning before the future faking slips in? My guys actions matched his words mostly in the beginning because I said I only listened to actions... my boundaries and standards were high, but I think I let that slip as I gained feelings and then it started to slowly switch. There were always very subtle signs I put down to 'life' just getting in the way.

3, Do love bombing and future faking go hand in hand, and can love bombing be subtle, such as 'I know after date 1 if I want to pursue someone, so I've already decided to not see anyone else', 'I do feel there's a connection here, I do see this being long term', 'I want you to meet my family/work colleagues, are you free to attend this works event with me' (but it never materialising, even though he met my friends), 'I have no doubt where this is heading but I know you want to take your time so I'll always be here', 'I feel differently about you than I have others', 'I am considering you in my long term career and location plans because you are really important to me'.... without the L word getting dropped?

4, How do you spot a future faker, particularly when in the beginning plans are kept to and they follow through? As an example my ex guy always kept to date plans and never cancelled (although was usually late!), but we spoke about things we wanted to do together I.e concerts, nights away and he always said 'oh I'll try and get us tickets/book hotels', but then he never mentioned anything again and when questioned about it, it was almost like he was caught off guard.

5, most importantly, how do you move on? I'm left deflated over what was real and what wasn't, even though I know he's the issue here, not me. There were some very kind and loving gestures and actions in the beginning and I knew he was too good to be true as I said it myself, but his actions had matched his words, so I let my guard down, and then he did a 180, and I'm still left spinning!

Lastly, how many others out there have been future faked?!

nevermarryamitford Thank you for the advice on how you found your counsellor. I may do a bit of researching tonight.

I am sorry you are struggling. It hurts doesn't it? I totally get how you feel you are back on track and it gets trashed by someone you had thought you could trust. Time, practice (lots of!), and patience. Just remember how far you have come, that any progress no matter how small is progress. Also, perhaps don't view this process as 'fixing' yourself. I don't actually think being caring, kind and genuine is about 'fixing' your faults. It is more about recognising the signs and triggers of those who are not genuine (or at the very least are Mr Unavailable), and being able to protect your own well being - perhaps self improvement and well-being are a better way to term it. With that comes confidence and self esteem. Focus on the small wins. The extra day without caving into NC. The time with friends, family, picking up new hobbies... The moments of clarity even if short and sweet. ... Recognise them. They will grow in time.

I keep swinging today from feeling optimistic, to feeling really low and almost desperate about it all. I am about 3 weeks into complete NC, and I don't expect to hear from him. I just don't get how he was literally almost at the point of begging me for a response, so once tempers had cooled (that afternoon!) and we were both neutral, I maturely said 'Texting is causing confusion, let's sit down and clear the air properly by telephone or face to face', and with that I didn't hear from him for a few days, with him only to say 'thanks for that text, sorry can't do that day and time'.... I lost my cool after that (I had every right to), called him out on his shit whereby he proceeded to tell me 'things had gone too far and that was it, after all his excuses and asking for me to just understand, to wait, to give him a bit of time. It really did feel like he just wanted the control and to look like the bigger person.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt I am glad you have found solace and comfort in this thread. I think it is great that everyone is so willing to support and just understand. Good on you for having the resolve to walk away. Short term pain, long term gain. As you say, it still feels like a great loss for what could have been, even though it never would have been as it was all hearsay.

Out of interest, do you, or any other posters practice mindfulness (there is a great free app you can download called mindfulness!) or have you read any articles about being able to 'get out of your own head'? I find when I am in this mindset (which is very much part of my personality), I become very self involved with my own thoughts - introverted - which seeps into every area of my life and it is really hard to pull myself out and to see a bigger picture. Mindfulness and learning the skills to escape my own thoughts even for a few moments, really helps take the edge off.

Misskz no, I don't practise mindfulness. My therapist does EFT (also called tapping) on me. It's the most extraordinary and weird thing but it works. The first time I saw her I was deeply distressed and she just said: "look, I wouldn't normally treat you without talking first and devising a plan but can I do EFT on you now? It's really weird but go with it. I'll need to hold your hand and touch your face and back briefly but I think it could help."

It brought an almost instant relief and I slept properly that night for the first time in weeks. She said I'd need four sessions with her then we'd revisit and after four sessions (including hypnotherapy) I'm back to my old self again but with more clarity if that makes sense. Apparently I'm highly responsive to EFT.

I'm sure you'll google it and then raise an eyebrow!

Morning all

I haven't yet had a chance to read the latest posts, but I thought this link may help a few of you, or at least offer some comfort www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-you-find-it-hard-to-get-over-someone-that-future-faked-and-fast-forwarded/

BeenThereLeftHimGottheTShirt Hero points is so true. As is you being the type of person who doesn't make empty promises. FF are really adept at empty promises and not much else.

The grief for what we all thought we had and the future that was never going to happen is the hardest part to get through and a sense that we'd somehow lost this incredible person due to our failings. The realisation that it was all him is huge. Our failing was to believe the crap he was coming out with.

This is the hardest part, I've been beating myself up over what I could have done wrong, even though everyone including my therapist is telling me I did nothing wrong other than believe him. What kind of sick person does this to people though?

Misskz88 it really does hurt, this was so helpful though thank you

Also, perhaps don't view this process as 'fixing' yourself. I don't actually think being caring, kind and genuine is about 'fixing' your faults. I have been feeling really overwhelmed by how much of my life I feel like i Need to still fix after his destruction. I will try to reframe that as you suggest.

I'm sorry you were experiencing lows yesterday, it's completely natural to struggle with this, we've al; been on major head benders with these guys and i think we all feel we can't trust ourselves to understand what's happening. We also can't have proper closure as they won't allow us that. All we can do is NC and self care.

Misskp88 I have been reading Baggage Reclaim since early this week, it totally blew my mind that this FF is a real thing. Really helpful site.

I had a really hard day yesterday and resorted to Beta Blockers and Lorazepam which have both left me feeling pretty low today. Going to try to avoid medication and take it as easy as I can. I've put off plans he and I had for tonight and am instigating NC from now on. Not sure he will even notice or care.

Oh, happy memories of my teenage years. Not.

I get that they do it because they think it's what you want to hear, but if you're cheerfully and enthusiastically shagging them anyway then what in the name of god is the freaking point?

I think it's just an easy dumping device. They say this and that about Christmas plans, meeting family etc then a week later they dump you because they aren't looking for anything serious.

Sometimes I wish I could hop in a time machine and go back to slap a few faces. Mine included.

HighlyCompetentExWife Best of luck, have a lovely Autumn!

I'm finding this thread helpful and insightful, not depressing particularly. The solidarity and knowing I'm not alone means a great deal to me. It's helpful to discuss the details.

I just listened to the Baggage Reclaim podcast on FF too, SO interesting.

What kind of sick person does this to people though?

Mitford I honestly don't think it's malice or some psychopathic trait that makes them say the things they say. My theory is that it's pure weakness and I think they're trying to be 'nice' and 'kind' and do what they believe in that minute is the 'right thing'.

My FF was very damaged from family stuff growing up (emotional abuse rather than physical) and I think he really wanted to fill that gap of vileness he experienced as a child with white fluffy clouds and dreams.

I'm thinking aloud here and treading into a topic I know little about so bear with me but just as some abused children repeat that abuse in adulthood surely there must be others who try and make everything lovely all the time? If you transfer that desire for fluffy white clouds into a relationship then the minute that the fuzzy lust / bonding hormones start to dip and reality hits then then maybe it's all going horribly wrong again for them so they cut everything off for the sake of their self preservation.

When my FF flicked his switch it was so awful. We'd had a couple of heavy conversations by phone and text during the week but were looking forward to seeing each other at the weekend as planned. When I saw him and went to kiss him hello he literally twisted his mouth to the side and kept his lips pursed shut. The whole weekend was me watching him switch off every bit of warmth like someone flicking the fuse box switches one by one.

I'm definitely not looking for excuses for him but I do like to hang my hat on a plausible reason which helps me to move on.

A couple of things that really helped me through the early dark phases of NC - upbeat music. Strictly upbeat music pretty much non-stop. I didn't leave the house without my headphones in.

I joined a belly dancing class. My therapist suggested doing something that involved going out and participating in a class with music and doing something that made me feel feminine and sexy. I have to admit that I needed to force myself to that class but it did feel good.

You do have to go NC - only your hope and then heartbreak lies in that grey area. I know just how awful it is. I felt like I was being sucked down into quicksand the whole time and just couldn't escape it and I tried so hard to. I really need a professional's help. Thank goodness I found her. Treat yourself as you would a friend Mitford and spoil yourself today

Honestly I think trying to explain someone who treated you like crap doesn't help TBH.

It's just you feeding the part of you that allowed you to be in a relationship with an idiot like that and to stay in said relationship until they were done with you.

I'm practicing not thinking about it beyond 'he was a dick' because it's that that I need to know and that that I should have acted on:

Highly what a lovely post! I'd give my eye teeth for a garden again.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt I think you're probably right, that they have some damage and that by launching into the romance and promises they suspend reality for a while and when it becomes clear that suspended reality isn't sustainable they shut down.

I also watched mine flick off all the switches over the weekend and emotionally shut down, I actually commented on how weird the "4 feet rule" was when we were used to being so physically close.

I'm going to go to some yoga classes and force myself out of it all a bit.

I am definitely going NC, no grey area for me. It is the only way to stop the pain, by addressing it now and not letting it go on any longer.

Thank you for your kind thoughts xx

Afternoon all!

Highly Enjoy that garden! Sounds amazing. With you on the looking forward.... I have kick started some old hobbies, have a garden to redesign (Cue copying your ideas for Autumn), am using time to spend as much with friends and family, and am working towards my masters... I have enough on my hands! Your post has been me feel much more positive :)

Mitford With you on the finding solidarity in this thread. It has really helped when I have been climbing the walls not to type his number, or have sat sobbing in the evening. I hope you are feeling a little less sick and a little less low this afternoon?

Offred "Honestly I think trying to explain someone who treated you like crap doesn't help TBH." Actually, I agree... I guess we look for excuses to come to terms with the situation and our feelings, but at the very bottom of it, there is simply no excuse for treating someone like crap!

MorrisZapp Have a read of this: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/future-faking-is-partly-about-using-intentions-to-enhance-self-image/... Perhaps helps answer some of those 'why do they even bother' questions that are lingering around in a nice short article! It is all about self image with a future faker.

Those I have missed, sorry I will catch up later, but I hope everyone is holding up ok and feeling a little better! Currently experiencing small bursts of the angry phase... A relief to be thinking 'what an absolute dick' even if for a short moment!

ps what is the 4 feet rule?

Id posted on this before but asked for my post to be deleted as it said some things about XP that were harsh and not fair on him, given the way things ended (it was my fault).

He hasn't been in contact but my problem now is dd (3) is asking for him (he'd been on video call with her a few times). I'm not sure what to tell her, so far I've said sh3 had mummy here and i love her very much but she's asking why he hasn't come to visit like he said he would.

At times I've wanted to say this to him but it would feel like using DD - that wouldn't be my intention, I am just genuinely at a loss as to what to say to her. He isn't her dad
(She had never known her dad) but was a huge part of her life.

On the plus side ive just been getting on with my life, which wouldn't have been the case had this happened a year ago, so I can take a lot from that, I just feel so bad for DD.

placematting for future ref.

Hi Buddha

How are you keeping? I'm sorry, I've only just seen the update to this!

Unfortunately I have no children so I perhaps am not best able to advise, but I would say the best thing for you both is some consistency and ensuring she feels as secure as possible about his sudden disappearance without giving her too much to think about and deal with. I can understand you want to protect her and it can be hard to explain such things. Perhaps some other MN posters can provide some solid advice on that front? How long was he is in your life and how quickly did they meet?

I've struggled since my last post. I've had some amazing days and some really, really low days. I still have this awful disorientated feeling, even though I no longer want him, if that makes sense.

We had to have contact the other week to sort out some remaining items and financial bits (all probably superficial but it was more the principle and I could not stand to leave that as a potential 'open door' for contact in the future). Of course I had chased him in the early days and then just left it because I knew I would get nowhere. But once I had done right by the situation and sorted his stuff, suddenly HE had to ensure he had finally sorted what I had asked about before we split and went NC. Surely that shows either what a selfish twat he is (well I'll only give if you give, even though I promised several times I'll sort it), or that he wants to always show he has the upper hand in some way I.e he had no intention of keeping his word but he couldn't come across looking any less than myself when it comes to morals/emotion/maturity. He can't use forgetting as an excuse as what I asked was so simple and easy to do!

I guess my closure is that there is no clear cut closure and he was what he really portrayed in the last week or two. I've even created a list of all the red flags and issues (it's LONG), yet I'm still questioning 'why', rather the labelling him as an emotionally inept twerp and filing him away mentally. I think I have some work to do on how I reconcile issues and break ups.

I can't believe I'm giving this so much headspace but it's more the disbelief at it all. Who knew this FF stuff was such mind fuckery!

how is everyone else holding up?

i'm doing ok thanks. I genuinely don't think he realised the impact it would have on dd cutting contact. She's not been herself, but am trying to keep things as normal as possible for her. He lived with us hence i dont think he was a FF, just decided that going back with me wasn't what he wanted, which I can understand. Going back to someone can feel like a step back.

But in a way it's FF to dd - he said to her he would see her soon and she's not letting that go. I just keep telling her that mummy is here and loves her. Nothing else I can do really.