Future Faking - Give me the downlow to arm myself!

[misszp]

After posting about my 'new guy' recently (who is now very much an 'ex guy'), I learnt the term 'future faking' from another poster. It is a term I've never heard of and have been reading up on and it is a slap in the face; shit I've been future faked and I didn't even know that was a thing!

I'm really working on myself right now as I have in the past attracted the wrong types (I tend to be a fixer who falls into minor codependent relationships) and I want to increase my bullshit radar for the future...

A very few simple questions;

1, I understand future faking can go hand in hand with narcissism etc, but can generally nice people 'accidentally' future fake due to their own hopes of the relationship?

2, Can a future faker let their actions speak in the beginning before the future faking slips in? My guys actions matched his words mostly in the beginning because I said I only listened to actions... my boundaries and standards were high, but I think I let that slip as I gained feelings and then it started to slowly switch. There were always very subtle signs I put down to 'life' just getting in the way.

3, Do love bombing and future faking go hand in hand, and can love bombing be subtle, such as 'I know after date 1 if I want to pursue someone, so I've already decided to not see anyone else', 'I do feel there's a connection here, I do see this being long term', 'I want you to meet my family/work colleagues, are you free to attend this works event with me' (but it never materialising, even though he met my friends), 'I have no doubt where this is heading but I know you want to take your time so I'll always be here', 'I feel differently about you than I have others', 'I am considering you in my long term career and location plans because you are really important to me'.... without the L word getting dropped?

4, How do you spot a future faker, particularly when in the beginning plans are kept to and they follow through? As an example my ex guy always kept to date plans and never cancelled (although was usually late!), but we spoke about things we wanted to do together I.e concerts, nights away and he always said 'oh I'll try and get us tickets/book hotels', but then he never mentioned anything again and when questioned about it, it was almost like he was caught off guard.

5, most importantly, how do you move on? I'm left deflated over what was real and what wasn't, even though I know he's the issue here, not me. There were some very kind and loving gestures and actions in the beginning and I knew he was too good to be true as I said it myself, but his actions had matched his words, so I let my guard down, and then he did a 180, and I'm still left spinning!

Lastly, how many others out there have been future faked?!

Also - I realise I have name changed again! It appears I am logged in as one on my computer and another on my phone...! :)

This is so interesting. It was about three weeks ago (thanks to googling) that the penny dropped about the narcissist angle and I've drawn huge comfort from that as it really was him not me or us. He's not a full out narc but definitely has traits.

I had huge issues going on earlier this year - Dad died and a sibling was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer so really serious stuff plus a few other things going on too but it was all about his family tragedy that happened 20 years ago.

This was all wrapped up in a handsome, articulate, charming and funny man but when he withdrew his affections it was awful. It was literally like he just flicked a switch. As awful as it sounds I don't think he liked it when I out-tragedied his own issues and tragedies.

@Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt This was all wrapped up in a handsome, articulate, charming and funny man but when he withdrew his affections it was awful. It was literally like he just flicked a switch.

Ah yes... I know this well too! It literally does almost filled instant doesn't it? Like Jekyll and Hyde, yet they never shape shift back once they have turned. I do think there were a few VERY scattered and subtle signs prior to that which I just had not noticed, or ignored.

Also, very sorry to hear of your personal situation right now. I hope you yourself have a support network to get through such difficult times? Hugs

Typo - filled = feel! whoops!

MissKZ88 Misszp I'm sorry you're still reeling, I think I will be for some time too. I think you're right; that the person I'm seeing now is the real one, the other was an illusion, but I'm really grieving for those first weeks with that man and how he made me feel. The loss of all that potential and the dreams he let me believe in.

The NC feels impossible, we spoke yesterday, I just can't seem to let it go, I literally crave him at the moment, like I want to see if there are any specks of that person still in there. I just can't believe it could all be over.

I still am not 100% that he's a future faker, I can still talk myself around that it was stress from STBXW and DD and divorce and business etc etc etc.

I also feel that my instigating NC might make him wake up and smell the coffee. Suspect it won't though...

Lol never realises this had a name . I think I may have done this future faking myself. Knowing full well that those things will never happen but saying them anyway because they sound nice .

I'm struggling to sleep tonight. I can't drift back off. Bolted awake and I feel immediately anxious and confused about everything that's happened, over the last few things he said, and how he played such a shitty emotional game in the last few weeks. I've got that horrible empty feeling, like someone's taken a piece of you.... I had been fine so why I suddenly feel so raw again I've no idea, but how can such a short relationship leave you feeling so rubbish :( I've not been like this with previous exes of this length!

@nevermarryamitford just tread carefully. Regardless of his reasons, don't get caught up in a grey area. You need to really have boundaries and put yourself first here, because he won't. Even if there are specks of him left, he's told you where things stand, he's treated you poorly, so listen and don't accept less just because you are hopeful. you deserve 100%, not a few crumbs.

misszp I've just bolted awake too, a horrible cold realisation that I'm alone again and what he's done. So scared and confused by it.

You're not alone. This sort of behaviour is damaging and disturbing. Please know that you did nothing to deserve it. I think the length of time is irrelevant here so please don't beat yourself up about whether it's normal to still be suffering, the nature of the intensity, love bombing, fast forwarding etc means you were in a time warp where you were lifted off your feet and carried along and then sadly discarded and the feelings were intense abd fir you at least we're real. You let your guard down, you trusted, you were open to the possibility and potential, those are beautiful qualities that you should be proud of. He should be ashamed of himself.

You're right btw, I have to look after myself and NC is how that happens regardless of how difficult I find it.

the other thing i've found (and sorry for post overload!) is that I was attracted to the glamorous life he is now leading - yes I realise how shallow I sound but when you're struggling by, these promises of a lifestyle seem so tempting.

I've found myself feeling down on my own life, what I have built and come through over the last year, because it's not as glamorous or exciting as his.

thanks for this thread by the way, it's good to get these thoughts out so I can get on with my day!

@HighlyCompetentExWife Isn't it funny how there are very similar scripts and behaviour between all the situations explained here by posters? I find it so bizarre, as I honestly thought my situation was unique!

The issue I had was that were so many areas where he was (or at least appeared) genuine. Did you find in the beginning however the actions mostly matched the words? Because that was why I was reeled in. I judge him on how he behaved and therefore he did earn some of my trust, because I had no reason to doubt... Hook, line, sinker...

@buddasbelly He sounds like a time waster and a horrid person. Work stress does not limit your ability to act with manners or consideration (My ex did the same, suddenly turned into a bit of an ass, because he was 'so stressed and how could I ever understand').

I too found the same about money and paying me back. It was all he talked about at times. It was a measly amount he borrowed, but he was on double my salary, yet he never paid me back, promised he would, then things were 'tight' so he had to look at shuffling finances . I think any really decent person would see it as principle to do the right thing and pay it back.

In support of your comments, I will also shamefully admit that I got a little bit swept away with the promise of a decent life (Heck I make my own money, am self sufficient and have a decent career, so no idea why). However it is important to remember it is all a facade, money does not maketh the man... I think underneath it they are pretty miserable, lonely and manipulate - that is NO glamorous life to lead!

I think the best thing for you is to continue working on your mental well being and putting your daughter and yourself first. This man sounds toxic and I would suspect he is slowing down any progress you are making recovery wise. NC is the way forward.

I think the most important thing is allowing yourself time to heal, self care and self love. Lastly boundaries. I noticed that once I let my guard down, I let those slip without even really noticing by excusing his behaviour. Never again.

misskz thanks for your words. I really needed them this morning.

I sometimes feel like I'm waiting around for a call or a text. Like I'm scooping up crumbs off the floor from a loaf of bread.

What has angered me is that I had worked really hard on that part I myself that felt needy. Yet when someone contacts you constantly for a while and then nothing, you find yourself msging to check that they're ok, the lack of response and change of behaviour gets you sucked in to asking again, so that you and up needy, if that makes sense?

Oh ladies, so sorry to read all of your experiences and see how similar our situations are.

I just saw my therapist after booking an emergency session and am in bits. She pointed out though that it was him not me, confirmed that he is a sociopath and basically told me that for my own sanity and wellbeing that I have to cut off contact.

Please know this ladies, it's not you, it's him.

It's normal to grieve for the person he led you to believe he was and the life he promised you. This is the hardest part for me as I fell in love with the life together that he imagined for and with me and I wanted to be his partner/wife/friend so very badly.

My therapist has told me to give myself permission to grieve and be angry, to cry and scream and thrash and wail if necessary.

Sending love to you all ladies

Also, I think most of us definitely fall into the category of being 'fixers' and this means we are highly empathetic and able to excuse a lot of behaviour that others would not accept. This is something I need to work on as I can't allow this to happen again.

@HighlyComptententExWife Not only am I astounded by the similarity across these men on an anonymous forum, but also with the consistency between my own previous partners!

Very common, depending on your personality type and/or previous experiences of relationships and love. Google '16 personalities', there is a personality quiz you can complete. It really nailed it home to me and was pretty much spot on. Like polar opposites I tend to attract the FF's or Mr unavailable's, who hoover the giving, fixing side of my character. I am really trying to work on it.

I will catch up on other posts shortly, but @buddhasbelly, I echo the others, you are doing amazingly and you are far stronger than you think!

@nevermarrymitford well done on you for taking positive action and booking in that extra session. I can understand that a good session makes it feel so raw and 'out there', but I think once that has cleared a bit, you do feel that a slight weight has lifted.

Those who have had / are having counselling (and perhaps are UK based), how did you find your counsellors? I have had a couple. One I liked, but I don't feel she would be right for me in this stage of my life, and the other I felt opened up wounds, but did not actually help me focus on how to move forward. I always felt conflicted leaving her sessions and I haven't tried again since.

Anyway, still catching up for those posts I have missed! :)

HighlyCompetentExWife

I am struggling,. At the moment I don't have anything booked in, my therapist has told me to rest as I've not been sleeping well or eating much and am emotionally exhausted.

I'm also so overwhelmed by the idea of fixing myself. I've worked really hard over the last two years to get over my EA ex boyfriend, we were together for eight years and since we split I've grafted at overcoming the loss, low self esteem and tried so hard to get myself to a healthy place. Then this guy has come along and trashed it all.

misskz88 I'm lucky I have such a good counsellor, I've been seeing her for nearly two years. She lives less than two minutes away and is incredibly accommodating. I found her via an online search, my health insurance covered the first £300 so I needed someone with certain qualifications and she came up and was v local and I was very fortunate in that we clicked and she has been a monumental support to me. I'd say you get a good sense from reaching out and initial contact, I called a few local ones and the first few I immediately didn't like, they didn't ask how I was or anything about me, only wanted to talk about money. Whereas my counsellor asked how I was, what had been happening, money didn't even come into it. She makes me feel safe, supported and understood.

Highly OMG when you said they want to play the hero that's so true. My one arranged to get a friend (his only long term friend from what I could see) to fix an urgent DIY problem for me and then texted to ask if he'd earned hero points for sorting out the problem. He also promised to fix various things for me. I'm not the nagging type so just said I'd love that and left him to come up with the goods and he didn't. If I promise to do something for someone I always do it because it's not said for show.

I left my FF in March. Had lunch with him in May (which sent me into a complete downward spiral) and then had to have therapy which helped hugely. I think I only really let go of him emotionally about a month ago when the penny dropped about his narc traits and then I found this thread. What an eye opener.

The grief for what we all thought we had and the future that was never going to happen is the hardest part to get through and a sense that we'd somehow lost this incredible person due to our failings. The realisation that it was all him is huge. Our failing was to believe the crap he was coming out with.

I shall be following the tip about not planning ahead for any longer than you've actually been in the relationship. I think that's a very good idea.

I can't thank you all enough for the articulate and insightful information here.