Future Faking - Give me the downlow to arm myself!

[misszp]

After posting about my 'new guy' recently (who is now very much an 'ex guy'), I learnt the term 'future faking' from another poster. It is a term I've never heard of and have been reading up on and it is a slap in the face; shit I've been future faked and I didn't even know that was a thing!

I'm really working on myself right now as I have in the past attracted the wrong types (I tend to be a fixer who falls into minor codependent relationships) and I want to increase my bullshit radar for the future...

A very few simple questions;

1, I understand future faking can go hand in hand with narcissism etc, but can generally nice people 'accidentally' future fake due to their own hopes of the relationship?

2, Can a future faker let their actions speak in the beginning before the future faking slips in? My guys actions matched his words mostly in the beginning because I said I only listened to actions... my boundaries and standards were high, but I think I let that slip as I gained feelings and then it started to slowly switch. There were always very subtle signs I put down to 'life' just getting in the way.

3, Do love bombing and future faking go hand in hand, and can love bombing be subtle, such as 'I know after date 1 if I want to pursue someone, so I've already decided to not see anyone else', 'I do feel there's a connection here, I do see this being long term', 'I want you to meet my family/work colleagues, are you free to attend this works event with me' (but it never materialising, even though he met my friends), 'I have no doubt where this is heading but I know you want to take your time so I'll always be here', 'I feel differently about you than I have others', 'I am considering you in my long term career and location plans because you are really important to me'.... without the L word getting dropped?

4, How do you spot a future faker, particularly when in the beginning plans are kept to and they follow through? As an example my ex guy always kept to date plans and never cancelled (although was usually late!), but we spoke about things we wanted to do together I.e concerts, nights away and he always said 'oh I'll try and get us tickets/book hotels', but then he never mentioned anything again and when questioned about it, it was almost like he was caught off guard.

5, most importantly, how do you move on? I'm left deflated over what was real and what wasn't, even though I know he's the issue here, not me. There were some very kind and loving gestures and actions in the beginning and I knew he was too good to be true as I said it myself, but his actions had matched his words, so I let my guard down, and then he did a 180, and I'm still left spinning!

Lastly, how many others out there have been future faked?!

And not always easy to spell correctly either, apparently

Ha ha yes no chance if replying!

The e-mail basically reads like I'm desperate to contact him (concert was in October/November last year and I haven't been in touch since then, at the time was just like "ok,fine" and went back for the second half, as an introvert I'm used to doing things solo) and he's giving me "permission" to contact him now DESPITE ME SHOWING no signs of wanting to

fucking weirdo

Ps

Incidentally though, I think emotionally that's evidence of how these types function? I mean I'm half way across the world now, no chance of being actually "real"

and I'm suddenly now in the role of "dream girl " whilst I suspect he's probably got involved with someone in his home country.

Then he'll be trying to "lead" me into over emotional discussions by message, telling her that I am really in love with him and am desperate to see him..to cause more drama and chaos and so he can delude himself he's some Casanova type

Yuck

The more I read @misszp the more I think you were dating my ex!

I agree with a PP - my FF disappeared off the scene when he knew I didn't believe his rubbish anymore - I hadn't said anything directly but he knew he'd let me down too many times and I'd started to question things and I stop acting like he was the best person in the world.

In his case future faking came hand in hand with being a compulsive liar so nearly everything he told me about his past was a lie as well. He wanted the perfect life and was a complete fantasist.

All the red flags were there but at the beginning it's hard to work out whether it's just a person being eager because they've found someone they like and want it to work with. I think the key to working out a future faker is the size of the faking (eg things a long time in the future when you've been together about 5 minutes or massive events e.g. Christmas, family weddings etc), the number of times it comes up (you should be concentrating on what's happening right now, not planning things in 3 months time!) and whether these things actually happen! (And if not, if there's a legitimate reason!)

I'm the opposite of a future faker - I've had someone dump me in the past coz they suggested something in a couple of months and I was like "if we're still together - haha!" But they took it seriously and dumped me because they didn't think I liked them and didn't want to get hurt down the line! Oops!

doyouknowme2017 it's so bizarre how similar the behaviour is isn't it! Not so fun that you did what any sane person would do and then get dumped for it! Perhaps you had a lucky escape there anyway.... why would someone run a mile just because you sensibly wanted to take it slow?!

Your ex also sounded a nightmare! It's the confusion you're left in after isn't it? Well was that real, did they actually feel that way, was it all false, howwww did I miss the signs?! I know it'll take a while for me to recover, not because I'm left pining for him, but because I am still struggling to work out the behaviour.

I would say though my ff wasn't so extreme. I know he was truthful about his job, his family, his past etc. None of it was fluffed up and he was very honest and real about his own mistakes in relationships and life etc too. But the lack of close friends, the constant talk of money and finances (my colleagues earn this, I could earn this, bonus was this blah blah blah. Actually come to think of it, after date 1, I think I knew all about his previous 4 years of earnings- is that odd?), the talk and not following through on his own life plans (both minor and major) and date ideas, plus how his attitude started to flip in the last week or two.... I questioned it, gave him some space, finally called him out on his bullshit after feeling I couldnt 'because he was just so stressed with work', messy/dramatic finish.... and roll credits!

I still think he wasn't a horrible person and that he ff partly because of his emotional and financial health. There was definitely something else underneath it all (I would hazard a guess at some debt and a need to work on his priorities, wellbeing and independence - he didn't have his shit together as much as he portrayed, whilst I did). Or am I just finding excuses for shitty behaviour again?!

dejatrue yes I think the extreme versions are illusionists and will prey on situations where they can't get too close, or will have a reason to come off still shining once they've FF'd! They like the idea of something, perhaps they romanticise situations either out of misjudged hopefulness or outwardly deceivingly (such as with yours), but they sure as hell don't want, or are at least too scared, of pursuing the reality.

I often find grandiose and charisma a huge part of a ff.... but they'll make sure they drop in their 'insecurities' occasionally so you don't have them too sussed... it leaves you thinking 'oh here's this amazing guy, who is so real and raw'..... facepalm

I think you can understand why they do it without excusing it. It is better to see what happened. Demonising some very ordinary flawed guy wont help either, cos they're all flawed.

Wow. I only found out about Future Faking last night, completely randomly on another thread and since last night have been reading everything I could get my hands on about it as it totally explains everything I've been going through for the past few months. It's sort of blown my mind and I'm not sure whether to be relieved or horrified by it...

I knew my sort of BF for eighteen months before anything happened, to be honest I didn't find him attractive but I did grow to really like him during our time working together.

I was out of a long term EA relationship and it took me a lot of time and effort to recover from it with extensive therapy and hard graft on my part. BF knew all about it as we got quite close at work and I knew all about his STBXW who cheated on him and is EA and alienating him from his DD.

After I left the job he pursued me BIG TIME, I remained quite aloof and really boundaried and careful, I still didn't find him very physically attractive, he has terrible skin and is not my type, but I knew that he was very keen, he told me adored me and really rigorously pursued me, full of compliments and kindness, seemed to be utterly in love with me. I addressed my need for a physical spark with my therapist who explained that actually there was a spark with him in that I liked him and was energised by his presence and that I could carefully explore that. I then started to look at it differently, trusted him and tried to relax, he was the first person who kissed me after my ex (nearly two years had lapsed). I was amazed that I could enjoy kissing someone again and I learned with joy that I was attracted to him.

There followed weeks of intensity, he called me constantly, texted, whatsapped, and wanted to see me every day. I still kept him at arms length initially, didn't rush to sleep with him, explained my need for pacing but ultimately we did end up sleeping together and the physical aspect intensified an already intense experience. We went everywhere together, he introduced me to all his best friends, he told his colleagues and seemed thrilled to have me in his life. He discussed the future, marriage, babies, (inc how we would educate them) homes, said as he was getting a new car that I could have his old one, that I could have a key to his new flat and just "be there", that we'd have amazing cosy weekends there in the winter, eating takeaways and watching films, that we'd have to have a large wedding for all of his friends, he told me I was beautiful, so perfect and so good. We drove past a beautiful really expensive hotel and he said "when we have something to celebrate we will stay there". In short I believed and trusted him and started to really relax and enjoy it, he told me he thought he was falling in love with me, I told him the same.

He started to pick a little on me after this, telling me he didn't like my stretchy jeans, random little things that made me see he no longer found me perfect. He started to pull back a little, I put this down to summer holidays arriving so STBXW needed extra help with DD, the EA became more acute, she threw a washing up bowl filled with dirty water and the contents of a bin over him. I tried to stay strong and supportive, I let him know that I was there for him and that what STBXW was doing was not ok. His DD is being manipulated by STBXW, on her mothers instruction she calls daddy to tell her she hates him and wants mummy's BF to be her daddy now, this visibly breaks BF's heart and I tried to comfort him and help him. His situation intensified and he took me for lunch one day after a string of sleepless nights (his) and basically told me he had to focus on DD and getting his divorce finalised and that he had no room for me. Then he literally shut the door. The calls stopped, the messages stopped, he dropped out of my life completely. I was totally devastated and UNBELIEVABLY shocked. I still am to be honest.

I could not and cannot fathom this kind of behaviour. He is still going out and having fun, active on instagram, taking DD to Hyde Park and going drinking with his mates, so I know that he's ok. I however have not been ok, in fact it made me really ill. I literally felt like i was going insane, I relived every second of what happened, tried to see where I went wrong, what I could change. I sent him a message of support, saying I was there for him. We had a follow up call about a week/ten days ago where he said he has to go through the divorce on his own but he wants me in his life and that we are a "grey area". I saw him at the weekend to play tennis, we then spent the rest of the day in his friends garden (he's dog sitting) reading the papers, eating and chatting, it felt normal and fun, I tried to be calm and figure out what the hell is going on while being pleasant and open minded (people pleasing)! I ended up getting slightly drunk and crying at him about how much he'd hurt me, he was detached and stoical, not affectionate, told me my destiny is to be a mother and he can't be the reason that doesn't happen for me.

I honestly feel like I've been on a massive head fuck and cannot believe i let this happen. I feel really foolish and blindsided and embarrassed and devastated and confused and shocked.

Wow. What an arsehole. He knew what you'd been through and he put you through more.

Don't even consider being his grey area.

Have you read nice girl syndrome by beverley engels?

"Grey area" = FWB

Please don't go there. He will break your heart over and over. Focus on healing and, most importantly, go no contact. Block him, delete his number so can't drunk text him, grit your teeth and focus on healing yourself. It's so hard when someone taps into your head and dreams and rolls out a red carpet with all of your dreams seemingly within reach.

I broke up with a future faker in March (also a functional alcoholic) after 9 months. I was trying to take it slowly in the beginning and was feeling very cautious. I remember actually saying to him "is this your MO?" when he was love bombing me then bam I let myself go and believe him. Never. Again. Will. I. Be. Rushed.

PaganGoddessBrigid Yep. I really didn't see it coming. I thought because we were friends for so long and he knew how much I'd been through and how vulnerable I was that I was in safe hands with him. He has also been humbled by life and his STBXW, and I thought he would take care of me. I could not have predicted this outcome. Completely devastated.

I haven't heard of that book, will look it up, thank you xx

beentherelefthimgotthetshirt You're right and I'm definitely not going there.

Coming to realisation that NC is the only way forwards although even that feels really painful.

I'm sorry you've experienced something so similar and destructive. xx

nevermarryamitford I know, I like to think that it wasn't poor judgement or unhealthy boundaries, this guy really did just let you down because he didn't know his arse from his elbow. He chased you for months and months and it was the chase he enjoyed. God, so tedious. I hope it stops hurting soon. It wasn't you.

I watched a documentary on the mitford sisters last night funnily enough!

PaganGoddessBrigid I'd like to think that too, I've been telling myself it's because he's so very stressed about the custody and divorce and money and running his own business, that he can't see the wood for the trees, so letting me go is one less stressor. But there's no excuse for not being kind, or in fact being really unkind. I don't deserve it.

Love the Mitfords!

One thing I think I've learnt from the two men who rushed me (Learnt other lessons from the fake avoidant who grey-aread me, I could write a chapter of that book mentioned up thread) is that men need to be slowed down because they don't know what they feel.... They mightn't be self-aware enough to realise that their certainty about somebody is based on their projections and that this is a pattern for them. Every single time they're stupid enough to think, ''no this woman is perfect'' and then when they get to know you and more pertinently you get to know them, the fantasy crumbles, again, and they can't. do. real.

You're right. He was entitled to change his mind but he should have felt bad about the hurt he caused you, not unapologetically callous about it! Some people aren't capable of that reflection though.

PaganGoddessBrigid This is so true. They do need be slowed down. How sad not to be able to do real though. How limiting and pathetic. What a great way to go through life f**king up yourself and other people.

Lack of empathy is a scary thing in anyone, let alone someone you've been closely involved with. Unapologetically callous describes him pretty well.

@nevermarryamitford so sorry to read what you've been through. What a horrid guy! As others have said, there should be no grey areas (it only leads to hurt) and NC is the only way to go. It hurts and it leaves you extremely confused and out of kilter (what was real, what wasn't, what did I do?).... But you have to remind yourself this speaks everything about the type of person he is, and nothing about you. And whilst it hurts now, reading other posters who've been through years with a FF, you've had a lucky escape! Time, seeing friends / family and self care are the best healers.

Funnily enough, you mentioned about this guy offering you his old car when he got a new one.... I had that too (it was no newer than mine!), plus various furniture / house bits etc when he 'upgraded' (I never asked for it and didn't even know he was changing stuff, but I had commented on changing bits of my house as its odd after piecing together what I could from the house I owned with my ex and that's when his offers poured in). Even offered my parents (whom he never met) several things as they are both retired and don't have huge pensions.... Not that I accepted, but I never felt it 100% genuine so it just felt weird.

@PaganGoddessBrigid They mightn't be self-aware enough to realise that their certainty about somebody is based on their projections and that this is a pattern for them.

I agree with this! I think things do need to move at a sane and sensible pace. It doesn't mean a relationship won't ever move forward, but by being aware, we are far more likely to protect our own feelings and hearts. Boundaries are really important too.

misszp What he's done is horrid yes but I still can't reconcile this behaviour with the person he was if that makes sense? I said to him the other day that the person I thought I was falling in love with has gone and been replaced by someone I don't even recognise. It's scary.

The car thing is weird, his car is older than mine, although his is larger. I'm the sort of person who doesn't say things I don't mean so I think carefully and then speak so would never say I would do something and then not follow through, ie. say I'd give someone my car and have no intention of doing so. Not that I wanted the car in the first place!

Really struggling with the NC.

Hi, can I join? Could do with the support as I feel like I'm going a bit crazy...

Xdp and I split up a year ago (I had mental health problems at the time that I wasn't addressing).

Nearly a year down the line and I've done a lot of CBT and feel in a much better place. XDP started getting back in touch more, saying he still loves me etc...

he is working abroad at the moment and when he first moved and things seemed like they were getting back on track, he was sending links to housing developments on where he's planning to relocate to, phoning a lot, talking about holidays 6 months away, meeting up in a month's time

Then all of a sudden things got v quiet on his end. Kept telling myself it was due to work commitments but tried asking for a date for a weekend to meet up, msg read but no response.

I've ended up msging saying sorry for contacting so much when he's working. Is this how this goes? You and up feeling like the needy one when at the start you seemed like you were building plans together?

Housing developments for us both to move to I mean

@nevermarryamitford What he's done is horrid yes but I still can't reconcile this behaviour with the person he was if that makes sense? I said to him the other day that the person I thought I was falling in love with has gone and been replaced by someone I don't even recognise. It's scary.

I completely understand that feeling, as I am going through it too. I think it is important to remember that the person you thought you knew was most likely just smoke and mirrors. Often a future faker will have an outer persona that they portray to the world, that is very different to what is underneath (whether that be to actively deceive, or due to their own issues, is another matter, but still no excuse). They want you to think they are the first image of perfection. When that comes undone, they either change, or run because the facade is lost and reality hits.

It is SO hard and I for one am still reeling with confusion nearly a month after things have ended, but I am finally coming to accept, that what I thought I knew about him, was in fact the false image and what I saw in the end was the real him, but with his mask off. I just am struggling to not keep replaying it over and over... I don't even think I care for him now, it was just how callous and manipulative he was in the last couple of weeks, and how he twisted it to be 'poor him and his stress' and how I pushed him too far... Eh, I only lost it at him once due to his behaviour towards me and other than that I just stood my ground!

How long have you been NC? Just remember - opening up contact opens up the old wound.... Let it heal, don't let it leave a nasty scar. You got this!!!

@buddhasbelly Welcome :) For whatever reason he has cut contact, it is extremely cruel and even more so given your history! I think the best thing you can do, is try and go NC - if he wants to get in contact he will, not that I would even bother entertaining giving him an opportunity to explain! In the meantime, continue working on your mental health and getting yourself back to full working order.... Self care and love is the best thing.

As Dejatrue (I think) has said previously, unless there is proof to their words, take everything with a pinch of salt and never plan further into the future than the time you have already been dating/together. How long were you together previously, and did he behave this way last time around too? If so... He will not change and please use this as your escape!

miss thanks for your reply. Looking back now when we were previously together, he did talk a lot about marriage etc v early on. I don't actually know if he realises he does it.

It's like he gets carried away and build a up a future in his head but verbalises it and you therefore get sucked into it to, putting weight in his words. Before you know it, he's gone on to his next great plan and can't understand why you're looking at a future together, if that makes sense?

My one told me where we were going to get married next year. When I was having a wobble about something he asked me if it would help if we got married... that scared the bleep out of me actually!

Looking back on it I think he had elements of being a narcissist as he was a real preener and everything was about him. On a regular basis he would tell what a great boyfriend he is because he always makes an effort to look good and think of nice things to do

@buddhasbelly Whether he realises he does it not, doesn't change the fact he does..... I wouldn't even attempt to try and make it work with a future faker, knowing what I do now. Plans and dreams don't rarely materialise and you are left clinging on to the shards of what they gave you and presented themselves as when you first got together. Take the person as you find them tin the present, yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here.

@Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Future faking is actually a large part of a narcissistic personality... It goes hand in hand with the fast forwarding and love bombing etc.... I too found the self perception to be over inflated at times, but he would occasionally drop in about his own issues... I felt this was more to make him appear warm and human, than for it being his actual real fears and insecurities.

However having said that, not every future faker is a narcissist - Some are well meaning, but essentially flawed in their (lack of) actions and constant words I.E they are projecting their hope onto and/or romanticising the situation, or they do it to avoid real commitment due to their own issues.