Future Faking - Give me the downlow to arm myself!

[misszp]

After posting about my 'new guy' recently (who is now very much an 'ex guy'), I learnt the term 'future faking' from another poster. It is a term I've never heard of and have been reading up on and it is a slap in the face; shit I've been future faked and I didn't even know that was a thing!

I'm really working on myself right now as I have in the past attracted the wrong types (I tend to be a fixer who falls into minor codependent relationships) and I want to increase my bullshit radar for the future...

A very few simple questions;

1, I understand future faking can go hand in hand with narcissism etc, but can generally nice people 'accidentally' future fake due to their own hopes of the relationship?

2, Can a future faker let their actions speak in the beginning before the future faking slips in? My guys actions matched his words mostly in the beginning because I said I only listened to actions... my boundaries and standards were high, but I think I let that slip as I gained feelings and then it started to slowly switch. There were always very subtle signs I put down to 'life' just getting in the way.

3, Do love bombing and future faking go hand in hand, and can love bombing be subtle, such as 'I know after date 1 if I want to pursue someone, so I've already decided to not see anyone else', 'I do feel there's a connection here, I do see this being long term', 'I want you to meet my family/work colleagues, are you free to attend this works event with me' (but it never materialising, even though he met my friends), 'I have no doubt where this is heading but I know you want to take your time so I'll always be here', 'I feel differently about you than I have others', 'I am considering you in my long term career and location plans because you are really important to me'.... without the L word getting dropped?

4, How do you spot a future faker, particularly when in the beginning plans are kept to and they follow through? As an example my ex guy always kept to date plans and never cancelled (although was usually late!), but we spoke about things we wanted to do together I.e concerts, nights away and he always said 'oh I'll try and get us tickets/book hotels', but then he never mentioned anything again and when questioned about it, it was almost like he was caught off guard.

5, most importantly, how do you move on? I'm left deflated over what was real and what wasn't, even though I know he's the issue here, not me. There were some very kind and loving gestures and actions in the beginning and I knew he was too good to be true as I said it myself, but his actions had matched his words, so I let my guard down, and then he did a 180, and I'm still left spinning!

Lastly, how many others out there have been future faked?!

1, I understand future faking can go hand in hand with narcissism etc, but can generally nice people 'accidentally' future fake due to their own hopes of the relationship?

Being nice or nasty is not the issue. It's being irresponsible. People who are irresponsible in relationships are not good partners. If you stay with them you may well also find out they are actually quite horrible as people generally.

A huge number of men future fake at the beginning of a relationship because they are sexist and think 'women want xyz. If I promise xyz I will get sex' then later on are outraged because you 'should know' men don't want those things and just say them for sex.

In my own recent awful relationship that went on for four years (stupidly) I thought I was ok in the beginning too because I replied sensibly to all the fast forwarding, I didn't want kids or marriage etc but it didn't matter.

He was entirely in control of everything, was not responsible, wouldn't take responsibility.

I once said to him 'you do realise that you can't just say things like 'I want to marry you' and expect that that won't have any impact on me don't you? I don't want to marry you (or anyone) I am still married anyway and don't want to divorce. When you say things like that it makes me feel under pressure because you are expressing a desire for something I don't want and wouldn't be happy with' and he said 'hmm... I never thought about it that way'

It was futile because he would still say things like that. I'd get into a stress because I'd think I needed to be more committed and then he'd freak out and see me as controlling (for wanting him to actually turn up for dates!!!).

It seems mad but he put me under what I felt was constant pressure to be more and more committed to him at the beginning. He'd regularly top it up by saying things like 'I want to marry you' or 'I should get a car big enough to fit all the kids in'. He would never ever follow through and actually what he did in reality was repeatedly not turn up to meet me if we had a date (and I stupidly repeatedly sat around waiting every single time) then blow up into a rage beyond anything I've seen about how I was controlling, overreacting and crazy for being upset that I had literally been sitting waiting for him for hours, sometimes at home, sometimes in the pub until closing time and that often he wouldn't even come.

I guess there's (at least) 2 sides to future faking. One is the ridiculously quick declarations of a future together, when any sensible person would be keeping their thoughts (about how much they like you etc) to themselves while things developed. No one wants their heart broken if they misjudge someone and jump in too soon.
The other is the mismatch between words and deeds - you say this ex didn't do that but he did, didn't he - he prattled on about booking things up but never did. That was your big red flag here I think. Onwards and upwards!!

I'm sorry to read some of you experienced far nastier situations and am glad you are out of them. How did you manage to break free from the rinse, later, repeat pattern?

The thing is I never got the big declarations of marriage etc, it was more the 'I've got this event in x months time, can you come', or 'I'm considering you in my future choice with regards to location as you mean so much to mean already' 'our works Xmas do is X date, I would really like you to come as I already see where this heading' etc... I didn't ask for any of that! In fact I was the one who was quite aloof and had my wits about me. It was only at 3/4 months in when feelings did develop and he had been following through on (as I now realise) some actions that I dropped my guard a bit and thought he was a keeper! I had put the mix down to the fact that sometimes not every plan can happen, he works a tough job as do I, so it was plausible and I never questioned it.

I remember saying to my friend this guy is just too perfect and too nice, and I picked out the fault that he didn't have x fault which I have (something trivial). She at this point had met him and commented 'out of how wonderful he has been to you, and to his friends you're picking on the fact he doesn't haven't a fault, are you mad?!'.... she's right, I don't trust easily and she probably was viewing from my side that I do occasionally need to give people benefit of the doubt, but at the same time I think it was my gut telling me 'something is up here'.

It was more the 180 he did. I think suddenly he realises he couldn't keep up the charade and I was calling him out on it, so he turned situations around to be my fault, made me question why I was questioning etc, played a game with feelings and wanted to come off as the bigger more 'balanced' of the two of us (he hated it if I was emtionally balanced or took control of a situation I wasn't happy with that he'd created and always wanted to be the 'bigger person' in an argument). Am I right in thinking he probably did it all so that he then had an easy out without losing face?

I realise that's part of the game, but it has left me questioning what I did wrong, even though I know the answer is nothing!

offred apologies just realised the posts of experience were all from you. How did you move on from it? Also thank you for your very detailed response!

I think the best way to future proof yourself is the old adage of not looking any further forward than the time you've been together. It allows you to enjoy the moment too. You been together a month today & he's talking Xmas, it's bs. He's talking about an event in 3 weeks, it'll probably be ok.
You never know what's around the corner & until he's processed whether you are long term or a placeholder girlfriend, I'd dismiss it or take it with a pinch of salt.

You made a mistake telling him you look for actions not words. Never reveal the way you judge character to someone whose character you are trying to judge. You have no idea who you're talking to, he could be a psychopath and you could be telling him how to lull you into a false sense of security for some awful crime! Seriously you must be careful.

Can you see how, by telling him something like that upfront, you were effectively telling him "please I want to be deceived, here's how you do it"

Beyond that, 3-4 months is much too early to develop a real trust for someone. A year or two is probably closer to sensible.

However take comfort. Most people are not as sensible as you even! You did quite well. Next time will be even better.

Re future faking and so on. I don't actually think he future faked much. He probably just over estimated his feelings for you early on, and when he really started to get to know you realised it wasn't going to work. Sadly because you'd already told him about the actions vs words thing he may have felt pressured early on to do more than he wanted to/than came naturally to him, and then later as his feelings clarified he might have felt really silly.

Unfortunate situation but it's good not too much damage was done (e.g., you didn't move jobs or houses or whatever based on his words). You'll feel better in time x

Naze73 I think that's an excellent approach! Just to clarify though we'd been dating just about 4 months come August... Christmas in hindsight sits outside that comfort zone as he had asked me 2.5 months in! I think it was also more the fact of the many 'oh I want us to do this, I'll look into it', yet never speaking of it again. He'd follow through on the easier plans, but never anything which actually required some real planning or forethought. We'd look into rooms and hotels for example and he'd half agree on it and then it just never materialised. It took me a week or so after telling him where to shove it that I realised that, because I was so caught up on what he had kept his word about. The best bit was even though i called it off, he still kept minimising this by maintaining contact and talking about his feelings and confusion until he felt he'd drawn that conclusion all by himself . Granted I played into the backwards and forwards of that (never again will I get sucked into emotional tit for tat), but he had to have this control over the situation which also should have been a huge sweeping red flag!

Just dismiss the promises. With hotels, if it's not booked & it ain't in writing, it ain't happening. I'd use that as an opportunity to mock someone. Oh yeah, heard that before. Talk to me when it's sorted & show me the evidence. If they're serious they'll want to do something about it, if they're not you'll get further bs & so it goes on

Naze73 Exactly! That's what I always try to do! However as an example we had a weekend away 'booked'. Sent me links to the hotel, said he had a reataraunt booked etc so I thought great! On hindsight, I never saw confirmation, we actually never discussed leaving times (although we loosely said 'early morning to beat peak traffic'), or how we'd travel up there etc.... then suddenly a massive work case came up (not unusual so couldn't and wouldn't question it). However the way he handled it and spoke to me about it (appallingly btw - he left me sitting around until 10.30pm the night before we were due to leave yet still hadn't told me if it was definitely on or off- supposedly I should have just assumed it wasn't!) made me think was this ever booked?!

Excuse spelling errors, on telephone!

No confirmation, not happening!

What is future faking

overall it's normally representative of a fairly controlling/ manipulative/ fantasist personality which obviously isn't what one wants in a relationship (someone who lies constantly is impossible to deal with)

my theory is that the people who behave in this kind of way are "broken" and almost addicted to lying and setting people up?

They "feed" off manipulation and LIVE for that moment where they can step back and go "look, X is crazy and controlling and is desperate for serious relationship demanding a holiday/night out/marriage" when it's THEY THEMSELVES who started the topic and the other person is just interacting with them normally (oh, they can't be fixed either)

Basically, as I've got older, the first sign of this and I cut loose ( e.g. a "friend" asked if I would show her round my hometown, X. I texted back and said I'd be delighted to. A couple days later, she messaged back saying actually she couldn't because she was trying to save money (which is fine)

but basically phrased it like I was sone demanding person who was insisting she visit it was like she was setting things up like she was some in demand social butterfly and I was this horrible person "forcing" her to do something.

I "forgot" to pass on my number to her when I changed it, and I'm very happy with that decision.

My other observation is that often the people who do this have very low self esteem/aren't actually objectively the most desirable types, so rather than face the "lots of women reject me" reality, they become obsessed with setting up situations in which they can claim the women are "pursuing" them when often it's the complete opposite?

I dated two guys who I must admit I felt I was "giving a chance" to (never again!)

One of them started a conversation about me moving in (I probably erred and ahhed) then later on started telling me about how his dad had "warned" him about women trying to take his (depreciating in value, 100% mortgaged out) flat.

The other guy started crying and claimed he was suffering from stress I wasn't giving him enough time. So I set up a date (classical concert which I knew he liked, booked and paid for by me) He left in the interval because he was "tired" ( and no doubt telling people I was this crazy bitch making him go to things he didn't want to)

Actually, writing that, I can see the initial red flags were there in terms of how BOTH of these guys came up (unprompted) with stories about how their female friends all "wanted" them (one was short and a student, one was a bit weird looking facially) or how someone they were dating had insisted on doing all these weird sexual things

(I bet they themselves had instigated these )

Just remember that Talk is cheap!

Did you post about him at the time, misszp? The cancelling a weekend at 10.30 on the eve of departure, rings a bell -you were having your doubts even then, weren't you??

sanasa it is pretty much what it says on the tin! It evolves around someone making promises about the future, usually in order to obtain what they want in the present, with no intention of fulfilling their words. Their actions rarely (if at all) meet their words. Usually always accompanied by love bombing or fast forwarding.... google it, you'll find lots of info I didn't know about it until a few weeks ago either but now it all makes sense!

dejatrue - thanks for your post! Sorry to read you've been on the receiving end, I didn't even think of in friendship too! I also agree that it is often found in low self esteem men.... on the surface this guy had it all - looks, amazing job, well paid, funny, great family, hobbies, aspirations.... but it was all surface deep, there were little signs.... like the fact his friendship group was so small it made me wonder why (there's keeping close friends, but this was off and for the character he gave off, it didn't fit the social, outgoing charamastic guy), and the fact he was highly successful yet living back home (nothing wrong with it, I just don't understand how he couldn't afford to rent/buy, considering how he use to talk about his work), yet often stressed about finances etc. He also spoke very early on of his low self esteem and his self critiquing etc (I am talking deep stuff on a first date here - perhaps a way to get me to open up too, but I guess it still could have been genuine?), and when I saw how he coped with work stress I did wonder how he would cope at present with relationship, commitment etc.

For the record underneath it all I don't think think he was a bad guy.... I think he had a lot of work on to do himself, didn't know what he wanted, wasn't grounded in life (some of those areas that I feel fairly stable with....) there were/are some good qualities I saw, as I mentioned above. I would probably put him in the 'Mr emotionally unavailable' category, it's just unfortunate he was a total fucktard in the end.

walkacrossthesand yes I did! I was having some major doubts and now I've sat back a lot has clicked into place (don't get me wrong, I didn't handle the situation well at all times either!). I'm trying to work on myself a little and I think the only way to do that is to really understand the red flags as well as my own patterns of behaviour.... I suppose I'm using this thread to discuss, vent and gain opinion and views as a way of processing all that :)

Also I've no idea how but my old username is now showing again.... I thought I had lost this log in...! So my old posts may be under a different username. No idea how I've managed that!

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I was with a man that did this for about 2 years, he was manipulative, controlling, mind games etc.
When we split he destroyed my name, my career, turned people against me. I had a miscarriage durning this time. I couldn't understand what was happening.
I came across a website that gave me answers to so many questions of why.
The owner of this blog was so accurate in his descriptions of situations, I thought he was the man I was dating, or a family member. It scares me at first, after time reading other comments I realise he was not, yet his accuracy fit with so many and their situations. He has helped so many. I do not want to overstep anyone here, just thought I would share maybe it will help another here understand, like his information did for myself and others.
This type of abuse need to be seen, understood yet it is so hard due to the subtleties.
If I am in the wrong in sharing this web site I do apologise and ask to be notified.
Narcsite.com is the site.
knowledge brings change
Thank you

Thanks misszp

Sanasa- check out the website called baggage reclaim too! Lots of amazing and sane relationship advice on there about all aspects. I've also viewed the website winterskye mentions above - makes for interesting reading.

Winterskye.... I am glad you have moved on from what sounds a very traumatic relationship. I was in an EA relationship as a late teen, which I only recognised as an adult. I'm still undoing the patterns that has set for me, hence all these posts and reaching out to MN for support and opinion! Hug

It's really interesting that you raise this and sorry for the hijack I've just been on the end of a future faking scenario and the thing that's really surprised and angered me about it is that it's made me feel used and cheated even though I didn't really give a shit about him.

He lovebombed me (to the point where it was a turn-off) for about two months, started talking about blending families when we'd been on a couple of dates etc. I was on the fence about him, there were numerous reasons why I wasn't convinced but he was sweet and funny so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But I was no means sold and was fierce about protecting my boundaries.

After about two months he literally disappeared off the face of the earth for about six weeks. I was pissed off for a couple of days but sanguine and I didn't make any contact with him. He has since reappeared and has started vaguely stalky behaviour. I've blocked and haven't responded in any way at any point.

I totally recognise I've had a lucky escape and have no intention of renewing contact.

But what gets me is that even though I know this and I'm far from being heart-broken, and even though I've shown absolutely no weakness whatsoever, I'm still pissed off and still feel taken for a ride.

I think for a large number of future fakers and probably a reasonable number of men the feeling of lovebombing/future faking is the kick in itself. They don't really even think enough about you and your feelings and don't really notice whether you're falling for them, whether you're needy, whether you're strong or independent. They get a kick out of the oversupply and then sudden withdrawal of love. It makes them feel powerful.

But does anyone else find that even when you totally look after yourself, put yourself first, and even when you know they are worth less than nothing to you, you still end up feeling short changed?

Future faking, love bombing, narcissism go hand in hand. I got caught out once. It was a 7 year nightmare. Never again. These guys mirror you appear to be everything you want them to be. You get drawn in then the nonsense starts. & there's always that promise of a future together that never materialises. You've had a lucky escape OP. They'll only go on to do it to some other unsuspecting woman. Yes Baggage Reclaim has it down to a T. Current OH who I've been with for 5 years reminded me of what being with a decent respectful man who is also fun is like. I look back and cringe at the shit I put up with, can't believe I was that person but oh well........shit happens