He's from the country, I'm from the city - feel like am slowly dying

[splendidisolation]

Hello! I'd really appreciate any advice you might have. Sorry if this is long, I need to write it down for myself, too.

THE SITUATION: I'm 29, been with DP (34) for 2 years, first year was long distance, and for the last year I've lived in what I'll call The Town.
THE PROBLEM: He's from the countryside, born and bred in the same place. I moved around loads and always lived in cities.

Last year, I moved from a city at the opposite end of the country to be closer to him. Whilst he still lives in the large village he was born in, I moved to the middle-sized town that is basically the 'epicentre' for all the surrounding villages.

It was always going to be me moving, simply because my work means I can work from anywhere. Also, I knew he had very strong ties to his region and village, whereas I am much, much more footloose.

THE PROBLEM: The problem is after a year, I feel really isolated and unfulfilled. I have done everything in my power to create a network for myself, and having moved so much, it's something I'm good at. I know how to put myself out there and am a really relaxed and friendly person. But I just haven't met ''my'' kind of people here.
There's no real cultural scene to speak of. There's no exhibitions, or theatre, no classes or courses you can go on (everything here seems really scattered. Instead of stuff happening in The Town, you have to drive around to various other smaller towns for stuff to do). I've made a few friends here but it's a different kind of friendship than the ones I'm used to. A lot of my social life revolves around going to dinner at his family or friends' house. All his friends are married with kids and the conversation normally centres on local gossip and the kids.

The Town has been suffering from post-industrial decline for awhile now. It's kind of a dormitory town. It's just so dead. I can appreciate it's pretty, but what little is going on here is really low-key and for all its charms it's just a very uneventful place to live. I know I should have thought about this before I moved, but I was just so happy to finally be moving near him, I didn't give it any thought.

The saving grace is that just a 40-minute drive away is a major city that I really, really like.

My dilemma is whether I should move to the city or not, but for some reason I'm really struggling with this decision.

PROS OF MOVING TO CITY:
I'll be able to fulfill other parts of me. I'm also an artist, it would be great to hang out with other artists, take some specific classes, go to exhibitions. Since I'm self-employed, it would be great to find a work space too. Just so many more opportunities to meet like-minded people and thrive.
It's near enough to DP still that we can definitely still spend at least 3 nights a week together. I may find I actually appreciate the country when I'm not living in.
CONS OF MOVING TO CITY:
It will definitely be more expensive. That's not to say it's not doable for me, it is, but it's something to bear in mind.
I'm very worried that DP will see this move to the city as me breaking away from him. On the other hand, I can't help but feel a little seed of resentment: I told him (back in the good old hazy days of idealising the place when I first moved!) that it would be great to move into a house with him, and he balked. I guess he likes having his independence, although he stays at mine pretty much every night. But I kind of think you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You want independence? That's cool, I'm off to the city! :-D
But seriously though, I'm worried he would see it as the relationship becoming weaker. I think if I said I wanted to move into the city, he would try and push us moving in together in a bid to keep me there. Which on reflection, is probably not the right solution.

Our relationship is good, we love each other. But how is this going to work long term if he's a through and through country guy and I'm the opposite?

Should I:
A - Move to the city, and me and DP can see each other 3 or 4 nights a week? Distance between city and his village: 40 minutes by car
B - Stay in the town but try and get to the city one or two days a week? The only thing with that is - it's really not quite the same thing as living there and making a proper network for yourself. Distance between town and his village: 10/15 minutes by car

I'm starting to feel frustrated and like I'm wasting away a little. It also annoys me that he got to keep his lifestyle and network and I'm just supposed to find a way to make this work for me, whilst spending a lot of time with HIS network, etc.

Please, any thoughts or opinions would be very welcome.

@KarmaNoMore

Fucking hell....re serenity...yes, it possibly is window-gazing silent screaming....

@KarmaNoMore

OMG...you are basically me! I'm working from home whilst he has the nice warm pinnacle of the community job. How old were you if you dont mind me asking? Did you have kids before or after your Village Period? 😂

I am watching a friend in a similar position but a few more years down the line.

She lived in central London.
He hates the city, but works there and lived on ourskirt of zone six
They want to live together
She's always said " -never want to leave the city"
But relents moves to zone six, a bit closer to the city than he hd been living, but not at all urban.
She used to be able to cycle. Now on the train commuting.
She used to go out in evening. Now more difficult.
He is still unhappy
He wants to live in the country, by the sea. He hates the city.
They move to a distant commuter town
It is over one hour fast train.
There are replacement bus services at weekends.
She commutes in daily.
So not keen to travel at weekend too.
Friend meet ups are months apart.
He is still not happy.
They decide to have a child
She is isolated from her friends.
He want to move to the sea.

She's not stupid, she must love him and see that this relationship is worth loosing ythings that she previously considered fun/valuable/intersting especially related to professional and cultural interest.

But he is immovable. Even more truculent. Non compromising.
Your partner is likely the same.
Will this be ok?

Have just read your whole thread.

If he would compromise with cohabiting in the suburbs I'd absolutely say Go For It. I think that's because it would feel like the compromise was balanced.

And it doesn't, quite.

As it is, my main concern would be that you move in and it's not great but not terrible and even with your free spirit you become vulnerable to the sunken costs fallacy. And stay and gradually feel, and get, more and more trapped.

But you are pretty self aware and young enough to move on if you need to. See if it works. You may feel odd going back to your friends and slightly distanced - or it may be great. And you may find your city activities give you a balance, or they may just male you realise what you are missing.

@ElizaDontlittle Thank you for reading in full.

I can completely ŕelate to both those potential feelings. You can see where I'm coming from in wanting to figure out early whether the whole thing is doable though right?

The sunken costs fallacy is a danger, but ultimately I'm too unafraid of change and being alone for it to be too much of a risk for me I think.

@KarmaNoMore
Goddamn it instinctively I think you may be right.
Do you really think he sounds selfish though? I totally dont see him that way, but maybe Im blinded.

It's great to hear that you're not afraid of being alone.

I really do think you'll have a nicer time if you move to the City and then let him choose to come or not.

I think it sounds as if you'd be happier living alone in the City than living in the Town with him, and his family, and his friends-who-are-not-interested-in-you.

@KarmaNoMore

Good point. To be honest im also dealing with the realisation that over the past few months ive started to feel broody. This took me by complete surprise and I'm currently still not quite accepting it.

I think the question posed by my thread is about some deeper questions too, namely want I want from life. I think im at a turning point in a lot of areas where I will need to concretely pin down what exactly it is i want, what vision I have for myself, etc.
It was all so much easier in my 20s when I didnt want anything more than excitement and a good time.

So basically yes - i think this question is symptomatic of other bigger questions i need to ask myself.

Theres still a few months left to mull this over, and im going back to my home city next week, where some good old friends will be asked to share their thoughts too 😁

Move to the city.

I now live in a small town which is basically dead from the neck up, having spent all my adult life in central London. I hate it here, I am unfulfilled and miserable.

DH sees himself as a country boy, having lived in thenouter suburbs of Londond. He likes it here.

I am weighing up whether I can bear to spend the rest of my life here - possibly another 20 or 30 years - or whether I move to the city which would mean separation from dh.

I think you've lost touch with what 'selfish' means. It's a preoccupation with the self to the exclusion of the wants and needs of others. It doesn't have to be done with malice.

I think that's why so many of us accept selfish behaviour but don't see it as such as we minimise it as not being due to ill intent.

selfish
^ˈsɛlfɪʃ/Submit
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.^

If you're feeling broody, I definitely think that as I suggested earlier, giving yourself a 1-year deadline to review all this after moving to the city. You can afford to give yourself till you're 30 to do that. But spend that year living properly in the city and see where things are at then.

To me what you are describing is living in Taunton, when you really want to live in Bristol. Or living in Kendal, when you really want to live in Manchester. It isn't the same thing at all.

I suspect that once you are living together he will pull out the whole cosy-night-on-the-sofa seduction routine every time you talk about spending the evening in the city.

Now, pre-baby, is the time to live in the city - you can flee to the countryside afterwards!

He's not your DP he's a boyfriend. It sounds like, at this time, you have made much more commitment to him than he is offering you.

Unless you wish to marry him and move permanently to where he lives, which doesn't sound like what you want to do or what would work for your career, suggest moving to wherever you think you could be happiest.

29 isn't all that young in fertility terms so if you're looking for a LT partner to have DC with it's important IMO not to waste time if, ultimately, this isn't a good relationship for youx

Or, he is offering commitment only if you live in his preferred location.

I had a similar dilemma at your age: I met my bf in London, where I'd been working temporarily, then extended primarily because of the relationship, I wished to move back to the region I was from (north) and had good job options with the same employer. My bf was unwilling to move.

Had I moved, I doubt the relationship would've lasted. I chose to stay and get married and now have primary aged DC and live in commuter belt. Have made the best of it, but my social life has never recovered and the pattern of me making the big compromises in the relationship has continued.

Or even worse, living in Bridgwater when you want to live in Bristol... @MaybeDoctor

I can totally see why you want to test it sooner rather than later because you can move on if not and stop wondering if it does work.

I think if you are not going to allow your self to get stuck and comfortable there is not much danger in doing it for 6 months and much to gain. Does he realise how much you've given up for him do you think?

Thats it @ElizaDontlittle if we work on a worst case scenario basis its:
A year of me realising this isnt going to work, tears, heartache, break up and move on, quite potentially to an entirely different part of the country
Vs.
Three years of going back and forth between our flats, dreaming up potential new solutions, testing out different not-quite-right setups, resentment building on both sides, always wondering what if we'd just gone for it.

I think he definitely realises, hence why he's always encouraging me to take myself off, go back home, travel etc. But I think he gets it in an abstract way: im not sure someone who sees his Mum every day and lives opposite his old primary school can every truly empathise - I wouldn't expect him to..

I can't find the follow up thread that I was reading last night. Where there was a House1 and House2 to choose between. Can someone please link me? don't tell me it was deleted Thanks

It's here, Happenstance.

Thank you tribpot! 😊😊😊