He's from the country, I'm from the city - feel like am slowly dying

[splendidisolation]

Hello! I'd really appreciate any advice you might have. Sorry if this is long, I need to write it down for myself, too.

THE SITUATION: I'm 29, been with DP (34) for 2 years, first year was long distance, and for the last year I've lived in what I'll call The Town.
THE PROBLEM: He's from the countryside, born and bred in the same place. I moved around loads and always lived in cities.

Last year, I moved from a city at the opposite end of the country to be closer to him. Whilst he still lives in the large village he was born in, I moved to the middle-sized town that is basically the 'epicentre' for all the surrounding villages.

It was always going to be me moving, simply because my work means I can work from anywhere. Also, I knew he had very strong ties to his region and village, whereas I am much, much more footloose.

THE PROBLEM: The problem is after a year, I feel really isolated and unfulfilled. I have done everything in my power to create a network for myself, and having moved so much, it's something I'm good at. I know how to put myself out there and am a really relaxed and friendly person. But I just haven't met ''my'' kind of people here.
There's no real cultural scene to speak of. There's no exhibitions, or theatre, no classes or courses you can go on (everything here seems really scattered. Instead of stuff happening in The Town, you have to drive around to various other smaller towns for stuff to do). I've made a few friends here but it's a different kind of friendship than the ones I'm used to. A lot of my social life revolves around going to dinner at his family or friends' house. All his friends are married with kids and the conversation normally centres on local gossip and the kids.

The Town has been suffering from post-industrial decline for awhile now. It's kind of a dormitory town. It's just so dead. I can appreciate it's pretty, but what little is going on here is really low-key and for all its charms it's just a very uneventful place to live. I know I should have thought about this before I moved, but I was just so happy to finally be moving near him, I didn't give it any thought.

The saving grace is that just a 40-minute drive away is a major city that I really, really like.

My dilemma is whether I should move to the city or not, but for some reason I'm really struggling with this decision.

PROS OF MOVING TO CITY:
I'll be able to fulfill other parts of me. I'm also an artist, it would be great to hang out with other artists, take some specific classes, go to exhibitions. Since I'm self-employed, it would be great to find a work space too. Just so many more opportunities to meet like-minded people and thrive.
It's near enough to DP still that we can definitely still spend at least 3 nights a week together. I may find I actually appreciate the country when I'm not living in.
CONS OF MOVING TO CITY:
It will definitely be more expensive. That's not to say it's not doable for me, it is, but it's something to bear in mind.
I'm very worried that DP will see this move to the city as me breaking away from him. On the other hand, I can't help but feel a little seed of resentment: I told him (back in the good old hazy days of idealising the place when I first moved!) that it would be great to move into a house with him, and he balked. I guess he likes having his independence, although he stays at mine pretty much every night. But I kind of think you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You want independence? That's cool, I'm off to the city! :-D
But seriously though, I'm worried he would see it as the relationship becoming weaker. I think if I said I wanted to move into the city, he would try and push us moving in together in a bid to keep me there. Which on reflection, is probably not the right solution.

Our relationship is good, we love each other. But how is this going to work long term if he's a through and through country guy and I'm the opposite?

Should I:
A - Move to the city, and me and DP can see each other 3 or 4 nights a week? Distance between city and his village: 40 minutes by car
B - Stay in the town but try and get to the city one or two days a week? The only thing with that is - it's really not quite the same thing as living there and making a proper network for yourself. Distance between town and his village: 10/15 minutes by car

I'm starting to feel frustrated and like I'm wasting away a little. It also annoys me that he got to keep his lifestyle and network and I'm just supposed to find a way to make this work for me, whilst spending a lot of time with HIS network, etc.

Please, any thoughts or opinions would be very welcome.

I'd move to the city if it was me and explain to him why you're doing so.

Like others have asked.... Where do you want the relationship to go? Marriage and children? If so, then he'll want that in the country that you don't like.... It will only make you miserable and resentful.

As much as you love each other, the location you reside as a couple is a very important.

Don't waste your time if you aren't getting what you want want and don't think you ever will from the relationship.

Him balking at the suggestion of living together would be a little worrying. Perhaps it was early days for him to consider it. Too many people move in too quickly these days.

Move to the city. The relationship will probably gradually fade away if you don't make it easy for him.

It sounds like vibrancy and culture is not only important for you soul op it's also very necessary for your work motivation.

Perhaps secretly you are also looking to 'test' your dp's motivation - does he want to be with you enough?

I wonder though - do we have to make sacrifices to be with someone?

You are very articulate - I'm sure you will be able to explain your situation with him. Your idea of moving to the city is not unreasonable at all and it is imperative that you put yourself first and do what makes you happy.

If your relationship is strong you will work something out together. If it isn't then you'll still be moving towards a place where you are likely to be happier.

I feel the suffocation, I've lived it and I wouldn't go back there for the world. I just didn't fit either and neither did my husband, even though on the surface, we had a nice house, nice schools and so on. We just got out. He has compromised though, he'd rather live in a huge city, I'm happy with a smaller city! Towns are not for me at all, I relate to what you say.

Long-term this is a big issue for you, I would move to the city and then reassess the relationship, can you build a relationship together? It sounds like it's this village or nothing- what about travel, adventure, relocating for work, what if one of the children got a scholarship- there's 100's of reasons why you wouldn't want to be surgically attached to this very small environment and make his friends/family your friends/family. Sounds like he needs to meet a local girl from down the road, tbh, if that's what he wants, otherwise he's clipping your wings and your future life substantially. The best case is that he provides a secure base for you to fly off, do your own thing, and return to him- but only if he's happy for you to travel/live away/work where you need to which he may well not be.

Undercoverbanana - I'm really glad to read this as a lot of people on here are saying he's not the one for you, etc. and I hate to think that! I do have a really solid relationship with him, and I would love to have kids with him. He wants them to at some point.

There's no way, ever, EVER, I'll be able to get him to the city centre, but what could potentially happen is moving to the ''greater [city] area'', aka the suburbs in a few years. Give it 2 or 3 years and I can see that happening. He would get his garden and easy access to his family and friends and I could easily get into the city. That can't happen right now though as he has a (new) small local family business that takes up a lot of his time.

The fact that it takes up a lot of his time is what makes me think the city/country divide would actually work well. He sleeps at mine pretty much every night, he gets in late after doing his stock and accounts and gets up early to work, since this business is in its early stages. With that in mind, the divide could be a good thing: instead of taking to the road to drive to mine every night he can collapse in his own flat and rest, I can live my city life, and then on days off and when I'm having a slow work day, we can come together. Sounds like a good option for both of us?

I guess the only thing bothering me is like others have said, how does this fit with the future? If we ever did have kids, how would this work? Because the concept in itself as things are isnt really an issue: I think it could be healthy for a couple to actually live separately and have our own fulfilling lives in our own separate places whilst also hanging out several times a week. It's when you bring the idea of kids etc into it that things get complicated.

Having said that, the kids arent for now. And considering he has this whimsical notion of not being ready for kids or moving in together at the moment, then as wowbutter says, I'm happy with his philosophy/mentality, but in that case, I think I should have my full freedom too.

Move to the city

AT ONCE

Then see what happens with the relationship.

OP, now is the time to push your relationship... during these heady days of being in love, young and child-free, it should be able to stand up to the test. These are the days when you should be together willingly not in ten years down the line when kids are making you stay together

Another vote for the city.

I don't think he is appreciating you, OP.

Wowbutter, I agree. I think this is the part that is angering me slightly: the idea that he would be upset/disappointed/worried it meant the end of the relationship if I moved to the city, when it's a bit like, "but why exactly should your life remain perfectly intact whilst mine is altered beyond recognition?"

I think it's enough that I moved to the opposite end of the country for him and gave the town a fair whack. I've moved region, which was a sacrifice. A 40-minute drive away is nothing, and if he has any ideas for solutions, or any compromises on his lifestyle he'd like to suggest to make it work, I'm all ears ;-)

Make plans to move. Even if you move back one day you'll have a a network in the city and can still use those connections to make money. This will be especially useful if you have a baby with you or a bored toddler or two. You might not want to leave them with his mum or whatever.

If youve been there a year and you don't live together and he has no plans to and tbh what will change for you except you live together and have the same social life, it doesn't sound as if it will work anyway - sorry, you're already sub consiously thinking that maybe?

His concept of independence is very different from yours, IMO - which is fine but I think that kind of social and emotional safety net might feel stifling for you, and will only get worse as the years roll by.

What Hullygully said.

Move to the city!

As pp's have said, hard to say what the future looks like if you can't stand the town / country and he can't stand the city. But while you figure that out, make yourself happy! If you aren't happy the relationship is unlikely to work out anyway.

Move to the city.

I suspect you will see everything a lot more clearly once you do this.

I can't see a future in this relationship as it seems everything has to be on his terms.

I think the key question you really have to ask yourself is where is this relationship eventually going. Do you eventually want marriage? Kids? If so eventually you will have to live together and one of you is going to have to compromise on where you live. If neither think you can compromise on where you live then it may be better to call the relationship a day now. Alternatively you may be happy not to have the marriage and kids thing and keep separate addresses.

City! It seems pointless to stay in a place you hate when he isn't prepared to fully commit anyway.

Tell him when he's ready you'll talk.

Oh Hully. Haven't seen you within these halls for some considerable time.

His new business
His decision not to move in together
His family
His friends
His timescale
His location

Notice a pattern in your 'couple' priorities, OP?

I think you need to reprioritise yourself, then find out if you can find some middle ground so you can both be the people you need to be in this relationship. All relationships involve some compromise- so where's his? I wouldn't accept down-the-line imaginary compromise, either, where's his real, right now compromise that makes your life better?

You're too young to live in a state of retirement.
Make that move. You'll die a death and resent your DP in years to come if you don't dive off and make the change.
Such a great post OP. So well written.
When I was 27, I was exactly in your shoes. I moved to the city I longed for, away from my then partner's sleepy, one-horse town where the loudest, most disruptive sound was the synchronised tugging of net curtains, opening just enough to let slip a quick little peek-a-boo. My relationship didn't survive. But it wasn't going to. I envisioned myself packing it all in too late, full or resentment and anguish over the loss of what should have been a more fulfilling time. I ran with that vision and cut out of that town. DP couldn't and wouldn't support my choice. That won't necessarily be your end result though.
Don't look back. Your relationship will go the way it's meant to. You'll just have to see how it pans out. Never put your happiness on hold.

Thanks to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it and it's helping me to see clearly.

It'll be interesting to see what his reaction is when I talk to him about this. He does know I'm not stimulated here. I'll be looking to move in about 6 months because I've got a lot of travelling plans between now and then. I would hope he would scratch around for solutions, but I'm pretty sure he won't because he's happy where he is and has never moved. The perfect solution that I would accept and could work for both of us? "Okay okay, how about this: we move to the outer suburbs of the city with a big garden" = easy access to city for me, 20 minutes added on to his drive for him. In fact, when I 'drop the bomb', I may actually suggest this to him as the perfect solution....but it requires a small sacrifice from him..........(dot dot dot dot).

Underpinning all of this I think is a kind of resentment I'm feeling. I think I also resent a slight double standards:

• He doesn't want to move in together....yet stays at mine every night (at the end of our conversation about it a few months ago ultimately he was like "I mean okay, if you want to move in together, let's do it!"...but then he did nothing about it)
• He makes 'independence' and 'not following convention' in a relationship...yet I am expected to go to these friends-with-kids dinners, etc.

I think deep down aside from the isolation aspect, I'm also battling with a sense of 'it's not fair'. He's a very decent man but I don't think he sees that he's applying double standards: getting the benefits of a cosy marriage-style relationship without any of the hassle. Me, I would want either or. Either I would want us to move to a big fuck off house in the countryside and have some kids, or I'd like to move to the city and get back to my girl about town life. As it is, I feel like some kind of small town wife without the benefits.

Another vote for option A - if your relationship is strong enough it will survive and even improve, if not at least you get to find out.

Move to the city. And then see.

By the way, people don't have to live together all the time, even if they have children. There was an article about it a few years ago 'living apart together' (LATS)- it's quite common where one partner can't find work where the other one does, where there are already established households with children in, where people have already bought and don't want to move etc. I know quite a few couples like this and have also done it myself on and off through my own marriage, for work reasons. It isn't conventional, and everyone tells you you have to live together or your relationship is doomed, but that's not been my experience or that of my friends either (I mean no more doomed than all those couples that live together and then split up!)

As it is, I feel like some kind of small town wife without the benefits

OP, you have hit the nail on the head. You write so well, by the way. Go with those creative urges, you have a lot to offer on that front.

See how awesome Mumsnet is!!! I just thought of the perfect solution! I suggest we move to the outer suburbs of the city - somewhere with a great garden for my cats (beam) and for him to not feel like he's on the city, but at the end of the transport line so I can get in and out of town. It'll add let's say 20/30 minutes to his travel time to and from work, but...I mean we all make sacrifices, right? We could even between us actually afford to carry on paying the rent on his small flat in his village, so he could still crash there if he needed to.

If he can't find a way of working with that solution, I mean...

Splendid, did I miss you saying how old you are?

Obviously you shoulve move to the city - as everyone is saying. There are broadly two outcomes to this:

• you drift apart, he can't cope with your life not revolving around his, it ends. Fine. You are networking, busy, well placed to get on with your life

• the relationship develops, you start talking about things like kids. You are in a position where you can thrash out all the realities of what this will mean for you both, rather than him just assuming that your life will absorb into his and the childrens' lives.

The situation you are in now sounds like it isn't right for you. Can I just say that if you are considering children, having them in that situation will make everything a billion times worse, you will suffocate and DIE. You need your own arty supportive people and fun mothers on your wavelength if you are going to enter into that. (sorry this may not be on your radar at all, but just in case.)