He's from the country, I'm from the city - feel like am slowly dying

[splendidisolation]

Hello! I'd really appreciate any advice you might have. Sorry if this is long, I need to write it down for myself, too.

THE SITUATION: I'm 29, been with DP (34) for 2 years, first year was long distance, and for the last year I've lived in what I'll call The Town.
THE PROBLEM: He's from the countryside, born and bred in the same place. I moved around loads and always lived in cities.

Last year, I moved from a city at the opposite end of the country to be closer to him. Whilst he still lives in the large village he was born in, I moved to the middle-sized town that is basically the 'epicentre' for all the surrounding villages.

It was always going to be me moving, simply because my work means I can work from anywhere. Also, I knew he had very strong ties to his region and village, whereas I am much, much more footloose.

THE PROBLEM: The problem is after a year, I feel really isolated and unfulfilled. I have done everything in my power to create a network for myself, and having moved so much, it's something I'm good at. I know how to put myself out there and am a really relaxed and friendly person. But I just haven't met ''my'' kind of people here.
There's no real cultural scene to speak of. There's no exhibitions, or theatre, no classes or courses you can go on (everything here seems really scattered. Instead of stuff happening in The Town, you have to drive around to various other smaller towns for stuff to do). I've made a few friends here but it's a different kind of friendship than the ones I'm used to. A lot of my social life revolves around going to dinner at his family or friends' house. All his friends are married with kids and the conversation normally centres on local gossip and the kids.

The Town has been suffering from post-industrial decline for awhile now. It's kind of a dormitory town. It's just so dead. I can appreciate it's pretty, but what little is going on here is really low-key and for all its charms it's just a very uneventful place to live. I know I should have thought about this before I moved, but I was just so happy to finally be moving near him, I didn't give it any thought.

The saving grace is that just a 40-minute drive away is a major city that I really, really like.

My dilemma is whether I should move to the city or not, but for some reason I'm really struggling with this decision.

PROS OF MOVING TO CITY:
I'll be able to fulfill other parts of me. I'm also an artist, it would be great to hang out with other artists, take some specific classes, go to exhibitions. Since I'm self-employed, it would be great to find a work space too. Just so many more opportunities to meet like-minded people and thrive.
It's near enough to DP still that we can definitely still spend at least 3 nights a week together. I may find I actually appreciate the country when I'm not living in.
CONS OF MOVING TO CITY:
It will definitely be more expensive. That's not to say it's not doable for me, it is, but it's something to bear in mind.
I'm very worried that DP will see this move to the city as me breaking away from him. On the other hand, I can't help but feel a little seed of resentment: I told him (back in the good old hazy days of idealising the place when I first moved!) that it would be great to move into a house with him, and he balked. I guess he likes having his independence, although he stays at mine pretty much every night. But I kind of think you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You want independence? That's cool, I'm off to the city! :-D
But seriously though, I'm worried he would see it as the relationship becoming weaker. I think if I said I wanted to move into the city, he would try and push us moving in together in a bid to keep me there. Which on reflection, is probably not the right solution.

Our relationship is good, we love each other. But how is this going to work long term if he's a through and through country guy and I'm the opposite?

Should I:
A - Move to the city, and me and DP can see each other 3 or 4 nights a week? Distance between city and his village: 40 minutes by car
B - Stay in the town but try and get to the city one or two days a week? The only thing with that is - it's really not quite the same thing as living there and making a proper network for yourself. Distance between town and his village: 10/15 minutes by car

I'm starting to feel frustrated and like I'm wasting away a little. It also annoys me that he got to keep his lifestyle and network and I'm just supposed to find a way to make this work for me, whilst spending a lot of time with HIS network, etc.

Please, any thoughts or opinions would be very welcome.

One other thing to throw in to the thinking pot; if you do have children in the future, then your perspective on town living might change. (Not necessarily but people often appreciate more space, fresh air, family support). But he has to be committed in the first place for that to come about.

Good luck with your move op. Time will tell what happens. You can't really offer reassurances because you only have control over your actions. It will be interesting to see how he responds!

I was his 'great love' and he never really moved on from me.

But he didn't follow you, did he? Some great love, that. You've still taken more risks and made more sacrifices for him than the other way round.

Me, I would want either or. Either I would want us to move to a big fuck off house in the countryside and have some kids, or I'd like to move to the city and get back to my girl about town life. As it is, I feel like some kind of small town wife without the benefits.

Well that sums it up nicely. If those two choices would really make you equally happy then put them out there and ask him if either one is really what he wants. If not, and if he can't come up with a different suggestion that makes you happy, then you'll know what to do. Otherwise you could spend years faffing around feeling guilty and dead inside and making no progress towards any of your goals in life.

I disagree that living in a small town is always better if you have kids, if it is not your small town and you are not welcomed with open arms by the extended family/friendship group. In fact, it will be grim. I live in a city with children and it's brilliant, diverse friendship groups from interesting places round the world, mixed cultures (which my children are from too), bit of culture, good transport links for when the children are older. I lived in a small town growing up, and I made good friends, but it was suffocating in many ways and difficult for people to integrate into, precisely because of the 'always lived here' brigade who don't like newcomers.

Same as you OP but I'm from a village like your DP. Exactly the same feelings as you.

We will be moving at some point because he also said he's happy to live anywhere with me (he's actually similar to me and loves my hometown).

However, we have a house to make good and it's a big upheaval again so I'm in no rush but it does feel nice knowing I won't be here forever. I've tried but a big northern city is not really me, or us, now our relationship has developed.

Good luck.

I think even if you do move to the city 40 minutes away, give the relationship a chance/give him time to miss you and realise how much he wants the relationship then you will still end up in the same scenario as now. It will still mean you having to pack up again and move nearer to him in the quieter town because he won't move to the city. So you'll be in exactly the same position you are now only a year or two down the line.

It will be hard and harsh but I think you might need to cut ties now because you're so different in your wants in life. Sometimes that's just the way life works out and it's shit! If you do move to a big house in the country/village/small town and have kids I suspect you will be very bored indeed. He'll be off doing what he's always done and is happy to do and you'll be at home with kids/bored and maybe have a bit of resentment going on.

I would take the harsh blow and move to the city and end the relationship on the bases you are too different and want too many different things in life and need different things to stimulate your lives.

I'm following this with interest, as I was in a similar position back in 2002. The compromises/life changes were gradual and always seemed logical but somehow they were never in my favour. The advice you've been given is good.

I was in a long term relationship, he was from a town, I was from the country. I couldn't see myself settling in a town (the thought of it made me cry) and he had no intention of moving to the country, the relationship couldn't go anywhere, I live 20mins away from the town.

DH and I aspire to the same thing, our life goal is a big rural house with lots of space for animals, if we didn't both strive in the same direction it would cause havoc with our relationship.

I don't think you should feel bad at all that he might see this as you cutting and running for a second time.

On the contrary - you've committed to the idea so much that you've tried it twice, even though it hadn't worked for you the first time.

From what you've written, I am not sure if the relationship has what it takes to go the distance. Not because you're wrong to want what you want, or he's wrong to want what he wants, but because you're just too different. You can hold your head up high, because you've gone all in and tried to live his prefered way of life. It hasn't worked, because it's made you unhappy. It's possible that if he is prepared to compromise, and come with you to The City, it could work - but that would have to come from him. I don't think you can force it. I would start to make plans to move to The City if I were you, and have a very open conversation at an early stage of proceedings where you leave it up to him to decide what he wants to do with that. Good luck!

Op you do sound like a friend of mine, but she moved country to be with the man she loved. They got married, had kids, and stayed in his small town. It drove her insane so they moved back to the UK however it wasn't for him so he went back to his home town and she remained in the UK. She then moved abroad again to another country where she seems much happier and has fallen in love with a new man... which is great but it's a shame that they got to the point where kids were involved as they now live in a different country to their dad. I know this is a bit more extreme than your situation but what I'm saying is that leopards don't change spots and home really is where the heart is. Marriage and kids will not necessarily hold him to you if you're living in a place he hates, and vice Verda.

*versa ffs

In your OP you say you are slowly dying (it's a striking OP and why I kept reading). That's pretty extreme. Move on.

OP I dated a farmer (although his day job was military officer he worked on and his whole personality was tied to his family farm) a few years ago

He was VERY romantic/ emotional/ kind of naively loving and needy in a way? It was quite compelling. I was attracted to his traditional behaviour in a lot of ways.

But overall I think his attitudes were fairly sexist and controlling. Read baggage reclaim website, she cautions against men who do this whole emotional thing WITHOUT doing anything practical lifestyle wise to change the situation for their girlfriends benefit

It was like he wanted my city girl groomed physique (every day is Pilates day innit ) and earning potential but ALSO to be this small minded subservient little woman type to fit in with his family and HIS goals.

We broke up. I'm not sorry. I don't think he is either.

Rather than feeling guilty about it when he gives you the 'I can't believe you're pulling this shit again' Surely it's the case that you've compromised twice, and he's not had to compromise at all.
You've tried, now it's his turn.

Sorry, he doesn't want to commit to living with you?
I'd do exactly as you please then, there is nothing holding you there.

Or maybe he is seeing like "this woman met me where I live so why should I have to make the sacrifice on moving when she knows I like my life where it is?" He might also think "this woman is flakey, decided she doesn't want this life once already so how do I know she won't do it again?" And is scared to build a life with someone who may get bored and he ends up hurt. His friends are probably saying this to him too and may not be that interested in you because they see you as "the flakey city girl passing through again?"

This isn't me attacking you or judging in anyway, I just thought I would put a perspective on what he might be thinking on this situation.

"His friends are probably saying this to him too and may not be that interested in you because they see you as "the flakey city girl passing through again?""

Entirely possible they think that MrsNoMates (very much doubt they would say it) although I think it's pretty rude not to try and make a blatant outsider feel welcome. I mean I pretty much know everything about their lives!

It is rude you're right but sadly I have met far too many people who make 0 effort to get to know you when you make lots of effort to ask questions and get to know them! People's favourite subject is usually themselves!

Thanks for your replies they've really helped me so far.

I think I need to move to the city alone. There's no point dragging someone so rooted to their village away from that, and a lot of you are right when you say the suburbs right now is a shit compromise.

I have to be honest and say that I personally really don't see it as a bad thing for our relationship. He can have his village life with much less back and forth driving to and from The Town to see me. When he needs sleep from working long hours he can just go straight to his and sleep. He can go to the village pub and hang out with his mates without worrying if I'm sitting at home in The Town bored, or being dragged to a village thing I dont want to be at.

Meanwhile, I can be in the city taking classes, meeting other artists, using a work space, going to exhibitions and stuff and building up a community there.

As I said, two or three times a week I'm happy to venture out to the village. I may even start seeing it as a really positive thing, going for Sunday lunch at his Mums, reminding me that there is life outside of the city life (patronising sounding eh). I may actually start feeling anchored in the region as a result. Sometimes it's easy to get stuck in a city vortex, where you only know the city and not its wider context. It could make for quite an interesting balance, living in the city but having this small anchor outside of it.
Equally, he can come and stay over once a week and experience city life a little from the inside. He'll be glad I have a flat there I'm sure, he'll enjoy going to gigs and stuff.

In two or three years time, we can review: after being gently introduced to the city, could he imagine moving to the suburbs? Now that I have a network of city-based people in the region, could I envisage moving to a big fuck-off house in the country, safe in the knowledge that I have friends and a community in the city, a concrete reason to be in the city for my 'city fix'?

I don't know what you guys think, but reading this back I think it sounds like a very good plan that would allow us to both to live the lives we enjoy whilst keeping our relationship going and leaving a door open for living together in the future. I dont see not living together as a bad thing. It's true it feels great to have him at home every night and it's all snuggly and blah blah blah, but equally great is seeing each other several times kind of replenished from pursuing our own goals and interests.

The only thing that worries me is that he takes it as me 'bailing'. But I'm going to explain it the way I have here, and if he doesn't have faith, I'm afraid I can't do any more. I'll even suggest he can feel free to get engaged with me if he'd like proof of my commitment ;-)

Plan is to leave this to rest now and get on with some stuff I have going on for the next few months, inform him of this in December, and move in March. :-)

Laptopprancet Yes, I can completely relate to your experience :-)

I think he DOES like this side of me that doesn't fit with what he's experienced. He needs to handle the downside of that though, which is that this aspect of me needs ''feeding''.

In all fairness, I reckon he would come round to this idea fairly well. His business IS taking up a lot of his time, and he's also very relaxed about me setting off on what he calls ''adventures''. Example, I was feeling homesick one evening, and he was like ''why not check train prices? You're having a slow work week anyway, it might do you good''.

I think there's hope!

I'm not sure I like the sound of this. I have too many friends in relationships where they are not prioritised and it makes me sad.

Move to the city and if he loves you he will fight tooth and nail to make your relationship work. If he doesn't then he isn't as wonderful a partner as you say he is. Surely you deserve to be with someone who puts you first?

Good luck, OP, I admire your optimism.

If it were me, no way could I let it rest until December. I would have started to move on mentally, which is unfair to him. I think you would be better off raising it immediately. Give him more time to process the situation.

Move to the city. I married my country boy and I'm stuck in the town!!! I am on a perpetual mission to persuade him to move to the city. There is always something in the way now. Do it now before it's too late!!

CraftyYankee Once I'd hit post I re-read my latest post and it did occur to me: maybe I should say this now. Firstly, because it's not good to keep things 'secret', and secondly because it would then feel less like 'jumping ship' and more like 'here's the plan, but as you will see from the next few months, it doesn't change things between us'. And who knows, giving him 6 months' ''notice'' may prompt something from him!

I think you need to re read your.posts back. The truth is, I think you made the right decision several years ago and this backstory guiltexplains why you're tying yourself in knots trying to accommodate someone who isn't prepared to compromise. He's got you right where he wants you, afraid to prioritise your needs out of fear that he will use it as a stick to beat you with.

This is crazy are you really allowing 'guilt' dictate your personal happiness and self fulfilment? Waiting for him to be someone different, when he's given no indication that's what he wants, is futile.

I agree better to tell him now-ish. Because this is a big issue and if you're serious about it - and it sounds as if you are very serious - then it's not fair to keep him in the dark about your feelings for so long. You should be able to share important feelings even if it's uncomfortable,

Also just before Christmas is a really bad time to raise this stuff.