he wanted a lie-in, he got sex....am i silly to apologise?

[funnylittlefloozie]

My BF stayed over last night. We have a slightly unusual relationship, where we only see each other every other week because of work commitments, but its really good when we do see each other. He's been working insanely hard recently, doing hours and hours of overtime and he is really tired (and a bit grumpy).

We went to bed early last night, had a cuddle and crashed out, because he is working today as well. I woke up early this morning and felt, erm...amorous. I dont think you need the gruesome details, but suffice to say, i instigated sex and even though he wasn't really awake when i started, he didn't push me off He cuddled me afterwards and it was nice, but he didnt seem as "up for it " as usual.

But now, I feel a bit guilty, like i was a bit of a sex pest. i genuinely love him, and physically i can't get enough of him.... and i do think he feels the same about me. I think i just feel bad because he has done such an exceptional amount of overtime this week and he is tired.

It could just be tiredness that made him not up for it, couldn't it? Would i be silly to send him a text apologising for being a bit OTT this morning (not grovelling, just joky)? Am I a sex pest?

Sorry I pressed submit too soon.

I would not be fucking grateful as some posters said.

Should be noted that that some women are so painfully bad at oral, that a lie in would be much preferable.

RebornSlippy
I'm ignoring fantasists and sensationalists who are creating an "issue" where there is none.

the issue is that so many posters are promoting that men want sex, that they should be grateful for sex and never say no to sex.

But if you want to ignore that this stereotyping creates a greater issue of entitlement but you stick to your guns I am sure that it makes you feel better.

If I did this to DH I think he'd love it. But I'd stop if he indicated he didn't want to continue. I would categorically tell anyone that woke me up for sex to fuck right off.

Many times DH has started snuggling up and I've said 'not tonight' or 'no thanks' or whatever and he has stopped. I think if your partner feels like they can't say no, or they freeze in the moment, or if you continue even after a very obvious brush off then there are very big problems with consent in your relationship. Or vice versa of course.

Ultimately I think this is only something you can know in your own relationship. I know I would hate it. OnionKnight knows he would hate it. Of course we can only be reasonably certain of what our partner wants or is willing to participate in - which is why in healthy relationships a person should be comfortable saying no, and knowing that their partner will stop immediately.

This is sexual abuse of men,,could it be rape?

This is one of the most frustrating threads I've read on here in a long time.
In happy, functional relationships there is an element of implied consent. We don't generally ask our partners for eplicit consent every time we have sex! There's body language, but also trust and knowledge about our partners. OPs DP sounds half awake and could easily have said stop if he wasn't happy.

My DP would have no problem with me doing this (and I've checked) and I would have no problem if he initiated something while I was asleep. I think some people here are wildly overreacting and it's offensive to people who have suffered genuine sexual assault.

@Boney, I personally, have never said any of the above. I don't agree with that school of thought actually. Men, of course, do and should be able to say no to sex. Sensible people know this. However, sensible people also recognise that in some relationships, instigating sex, while half asleep is normal, consensual and enjoyable. And depending on your own relationship, this is either acceptable or not. D

We have heard from @OnionKnight, he says he is a man and he would be appalled if his wife woke him up with a blow job. I would imagine his wife knows this and would never do so. That's his relationship.

The OP's relationship is not the same from what we've been told. She has done this previously, it hasn't been an issue and it seems to be welcomed. I firmly believe that the OP's partner could have said 'no' or stopped her at any point and that would have been the end of it. He didn't.

At a guess I would say that the posters who believe men would love to be woken up like this are referring to the men they have experienced. To be honest, it has been my own experience also. I have never, ever been accused of rape/sexual assault for waking someone up by giving them a blow job. I would also say that the majority of men would be fucking delighted. I'd be happy to read any research out there, which has found the contrary! If we did a poll now on Reddit or someplace asking how many men would like to be woken up with a blowjob, don't you think the majority would say yes? Be honest.

And yes, of course men want sex. And women want sex. And that's normal, healthy and a fact. That doesn't mean ALL men or ALL women want sex all the time. Just a lot of them. Can I say the majority without you busting my balls?!

Nit picking at posters for making statements like this is ridiculous. It's missing the whole point of the thread. The poor OP has been slammed as a rapist FFS! For giving her boyfriend a blow job before he went to work. World's gone fucking mad.

I'm just surprised by some of the stereotypical comments as they have come from posters that I recognise and I honestly thought that they'd know better.If my wife woke me up with a blowjob, I would say to her what the actual fuck do you think you're doing?

And I doubt your wife would do so as you clearly wouldn't appreciate it. Her partner does.

I'm with you 100% Paperdoll. Fucking awful people on this thread accusing the op of sexual assault!! Disgusting accusation and completely ridiculous.

Lol Reborn, let's me and you head to the pub and avoid these nobheads together

OP is not a bloody rapist! My god! Doesn't most morning sex start with one person waking up first, feeling frisky and trying their luck? It's not asleep in the sense of drinking too much and passing out. Your partner tries it on you wake up and say yes or no! Do people in relationship all ask "do you fancy having sex" before laying a finger on each other! And yes I'd be saying it if the genders were reversed. The problem comes when someone says no. The worse that happened is someone's lay in has possibly been ruined!

@GoldenOrb, to name that scenario as rape or not rape is entirely, entirely dependant on the relationship. There is no 'one cap fits all' approach to this. Surely that is obvious?!

Again, bringing it back to this thread, 'normal' for this couple is to wake the boyfriend up with a blow job.

Unless I had had a monumental row with dh and he knew we weren't friends, if he woke me up trying to initiate sex I wouldn't care. I'd either do it or not do it depending on what mood I was in! When you are with someone your with them they don't ask express permission every time. If you say no and they continue that's rape even if you've done it a 1000 times before. This is nothing like that he didn't sleep through it he woke up as an active participant, possibly just a less enthusiastic one than normal!

If it were me and the other way round - I would be very happy

Jesus, @GoldenOrb, believe whatever you want, ok? There's no point even trying to get through to you. You're not willing to try to understand what I'm trying to say and fuck knows I've tried my best to explain what I and a lot of others here believe. I really, really hope you're not this obtuse in your 'job'.

RebornSlippy

I'm sure that if we took a poll it could well say that they would be happy with it, But then there are those that are not.

By creating a stereotype that says men are up for sex at any point in time you are removing any choice, because you no longer see the need to ask.

but lets shuffle your example,
"all the women that I have been with were happy for me to wake them up with sex" (para)

All I have done is change the sex of the person, and you would argue that I would (quite rightly) be wrong

Does that sound in any way familiar to you?
Other examples that are wrong

She was up for it?
We did it before?
I thought that she would like to wake up to it?

And it happens when female teachers abuse those in their care
I wish she were my teacher
I bet he was up for it
He's a horny teenager, I bet he loved it

and yes I have known grown men not want sex or blow jobs with those that are coming on to them.

In the OP's case (and because you CBA to find it) I don't think that this is rape (can't be rape in the UK anyway) or sexual assault because they seem to have agreed that this is OK (although it took several posts for the OP to say so).

But the stereotypes that have been put forward about men always being up for it are not helpful and we seem to agree on that point..

This is getting silly. My question wasnt really about consent. He WAS NOT ASLEEP, he was dozing, and could easily have pushed me away if he didn't want sex, and I would have stopped. He responded willingly to me, he enjoyed what i did. Trust me, he likes my blow jobs (apologies for TMI) Thats not 'rapey', thats two adults in a normal consenting relationship.

I was simply feeling guilty because he works so hard and has done so much overtime, and maybe I should have just let him have his lie-in.

Whoever was offering to speak to him tonight and counsel him after the trauma of early-morning consensual sex with his partner, could you also ask him where he put the secateurs? I cant find them.

@Boney, you're reinventing the fucking thread! Most of those phrases have not been used here. Seriously, pick your audience.

If a new boyfriend said to me that all the women he'd been with were happy to be woken up with sex, I'd say, well lets see. It's not unknown that I'm one of those women. Jesus. I'm either into it or not on any given day. If I'm into it, happy days. If not, I'd say stop and that'd be the end of it.

Talk about labouring the fucking point. I get what you're trying to say. I've told you I'm not interested in debating the 'stereotypes' you keep banging on about. I'm talking about this thread.

Go and meet @GoldenOrb for a cyber shandy there, you two are a match made in fucking heaven. Me and @Wanderlust are away out for a bit of craic.

You did nothing wrong OP.

He won't be concerned in the slightest.

No, @GoldenOrb, I realy don't think you understand at all. If you understood, you'd, erm, understand.

Lets assume that me and my partner like early morning sex, usually instigated by one or the other while half asleep/dozing. Jesus, he might even wake me up or me him. Depending on who wakes first. We've done this most Sunday mornings.

Today he started what we've done dozens of times before but I didn't want to. And because I didn't want to, told him, he stopped. In your mind that's rape because I didn't "specifically consent" on this occasion. To me, that's me just saying no and getting on with my day/going back to sleep.

What I don't understand, is how in your world, can someone consent or refuse if it's not fucking instigated in the first place? Should I wake him up, or him me and tell him "I'm going to instigate spontaneous morning sex now, do you consent?" Fucks sake! I'm laughing again at the thought of it. Get real.