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Original poster

why dont parents marry eachother?

249 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2007 17:03

Just a general ponder?. I first want to emphasise that I do not mean this as a criticism towards ANYONES lifestyle whatsoever!! Every circumstance is completely different, everyone?s beliefs are different and I really do not think that there is a right or wrong in this at all just genuinely curious??

why aren?t people marrying anymore? ? I mean, if you love someone enough and are sure enough about them to make a baby with them ? this ? the most HUGE commitment you can ever possibly make?.. why not marry that person?.... really? I mean once you have a baby together ? you are bound together for life because of that baby?. Marriage (in my opinion) isn?t half the commitment to having a child with someone!!.........

My friends for instance together since they were kids- (15, 16) and have been together for 15 years now.. they have four beautiful children.. mad about each other but never married and no intentions to do so? I just wonder why not?

Before anyone gives out to me ? I?m not married.. dd (HATE saying it now that shes here) was ?unexpected? but the best thing that ever happened to us so we are, you could say, doing things ?backwards? ? in the process of building the house, are engaged and hope to get married next year? ideally (for us) we would have liked to do this all before she arrived but it doesn?t matter now ? I?m just wondering though that giving the option, if planning for a baby or trying to conceive ? why not get married, house etc FIRST? (I know not everything is as black and white as this but if you love each other very much and want a baby together sort of circumstance - then why not?) Would love to hear reasons/ opinions? just wondered?..

OP posts:
countrylass · 01/04/2007 18:53

suis

Completely agree, we have an eight year old, been together (unmarried) for years. I find that when I say my 'partner' to people, they assume he is not the father of my son and when I explain that he is, they look at me rather oddly.

My parents have been married for years and years, so I have no bad feeling about 'marriage' as such; I am convinced however, that in this age of materialism, many (although not all) couples see their wedding as a factor in 'keeping up with the Jones'. I know many, many couples who spent thousands on a wedding, only to be divorced within five years - funnily enough, it was often these couples who didn't understand why we weren't married.

I also believe, rather cynically, that the high divorce rate actually devalues what marriage is all about - 'till death do us part'. I am not judging anybody, or criticising people whose marriages have broken down. I just think that the fact that this happens so frequently these days has caused marriage to take on a different meaning.

I am not saying that I would rule out marriage, and one day, when the time is right, my partner and I will probably marry and have a very small wedding in a registry office with family and close friend, or go abroad to marry. However, the main reason for marrying would be the financial and legal implications that we incur because we are not married which is another bugbear that I shall not start on!!

newgirl · 01/04/2007 20:55

my friend (partner 2 kids) is not married and it is starting to really upset her - she now thinks it is a sign that her partner does not love her 'enough'

i don't think it mattered for many years but now she has kids it does

i don't think marriage = great relationship, happiness, fulfilment etc but NOT being married can highlight problems for some

aintnomountainhighenough · 01/04/2007 21:12

I have 2 children, my partner and I have been together for 10 years. We are planning to get married however one of the reasons is tax - transfer of assets etc. Most of the time I forget we aren't married, it is our friends who remind us by asking us when the wedding is (mainly for the big party that will be involved!). I must admit I am looking forward to getting married however one of the reasons for me delaying getting married is that I am overweight and don't want fat wedding photos. Sad but true I am afraid.

elsiefergie · 01/04/2007 21:49

Got married at 7 months pregnant. 3 weeks earlier I said to my partner of 11 years ,"if I arrange everything, you'll turn up and say yes, won't you?" He said of course. Practically. getting married saved money on solicitors fees drawing up wills and stuff, and I wanted to make sure DP was my next of kin when I gave birth, if anything went wrong. Wanted DC to have the same surname as me and DP We'd always swerved getting married because the thought of my family and lots of drink together in the same room scared the hell out of me. Then I realized I could play the pregnant card. Told future MIL that her grandchild would be legal, but not to buy a hat 'cos she wasn't getting an invite to the big day.
Got married how I wanted to. Us and 5 friends, up a hill with our dogs. It was beautiful and what I most remember is holding DP hands and looking at each other at the "I DO" bit. pissing ourselves laughing and feeling so close. Then to the horror of the bestman we took the dogs for a walk befor we went to the bar.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 01/04/2007 21:51

frenchconnection - to me it is bizarre! Call me old fashioned if you like (I am almost 30 so that is my excuse for most things at the moment)
My parents were married before me, my bro and sis were born. Their photos are of their wedding day - the times before we were around. It was the 1970's and obviously things were different then.

But I like that. I wanted to marry before I had children. Wedding photos in my eyes are something your lo looks at with you and you tell them about the day.

Sorry if that sounds like a load of old waffle, but that's how it is for me.
Maybe if ds were to be 'concieved differently' then I would have a change of view!

Blondilocks · 01/04/2007 21:54

I was going to marry ex-OH, we'd had DD young & it just seemed too young to get married. In the end it was possibly a good thing as we split up last yr after 10 yrs but I'm not totally against the idea of marriage.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 01/04/2007 21:58

Good point about age - I met dh when I was 17, lived together from 19 but didn't marry until we were 25.
Marriage never entered my mind until I got to mid twenties. Neither did children.

hunkermunker · 01/04/2007 22:16

Well, I married for love, but I've just asked DH and he said, "I was too young and stupid and didn't know what I was getting into and it'd be too expensive to get out now" so I'm filing for divorce tomorrow

TwirlyN · 01/04/2007 22:18

Because we either don't want to or can't bleeding afford what we do want!

madamez · 01/04/2007 23:16

WIth regards to affordability: I'm kind of working on a resource book for the no-loaded at the moment. It doesn't have to be economy-brand sausages on sticks and a dress made out of sticky-back plastic any more than it has to be 5-grand frock and caviare buffet...

amazinggrace2001 · 02/04/2007 08:51

5 reasons not to get married:-

dont want to be someones wife

we own nothing anyway, unless you count a telly and a car that i cant drive anyway

friend of mine has just split up after twenty years of marriage

higher chance of long term cohabiting couples splitting up after getting married

cant stand the thought of being divorced ( stigma thing prob unconsciously picked up from my family!)

Botbot · 02/04/2007 09:04

Look rubbish in white and have never hankered after a big wedding. Hate the idea of a big day of fuss and having to be the centre of attention.

In fact, I really have a problem with the wedding 'industry' and how expensive and showy it all is. If I had a spare 30 grand, there are lots of things I'd like to spend it on rather than one day. And the last 'cheap' wedding I went to, people (not friends of mine ? we were sitting with strangers) spent the day being patronising, and even bitchy, about how the bride and groom couldn't afford a 'proper' wedding ? wouldn't fancy that either.

If we ever get married ? and I'm not ruling it out ? we'd nip off and do it on our own, but it's really not on our list of priorities.

We are as committed to each other as any married couple and intend to stay together for the rest of our lives. In fact the last wedding I went to was a couple who had lived together for 10 years ? they split up 10 weeks later.

Weirdly, though, I quite fancy the idea of changing my name, just for a bit of novelty. Learning a new signature would be quite cool.

Bucketsofdynomite · 02/04/2007 10:27

I know it's possible to get you and your family covered with the same protection that marriage gives you but has everyone actually done it all?
If anyone's unsure about their and their DP's legal rights here's a useful link . Also worth talking to an IFA.

LucyLouise · 02/04/2007 17:49

We had both DDs before we married. Getting married before them was never something we considered important. Both DH and I consider having children together a much bigger commitment. However, like pp, we felt once the DDs were here that being married would make them feel secure (even though we have now been together 9 years, married for 1 and have always considered our relationship 'forever').
Getting married for us was a way of standing up in front of the people that meant most to us and proclaiming it.
It was also an excuse for a bloody good party and memories I'll treasure for ever.
(I have also discovered that I rather like calling DH 'my husband' rather than 'my partner/boyfriend/other half')

drosophila · 02/04/2007 20:34

Why does marriage mean anything to anyone?

What differenc does it make to you?

Bucketsofdynomite · 02/04/2007 20:49

LOL I just hate the word 'partner,' I could never have used it myself, makes me cringe, hence fiance then husband.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2007 20:55

Marriage to us means a level of commitment we have to each other. Our children are part of this and part of our family, but our marriage is independent of them. It existed before them, and when they grow up and leave home, it will continue.

Some people feel they don't need to marry each other to have this level of commitment.

But we wanted that between us.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 02/04/2007 20:55

I am surprised by how many people don't see marriage as important.
It is not just a piece of paper to me.

How come people enter 25/30 year loans (mortgage) and even more of a commitment - a lifetime with children but not marry?
Just seems odd to me.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2007 20:56

It's definitely not 'just a piece of paper'.

It's a promise, it's a commitment, it's a legal contract.

countrylass · 02/04/2007 20:57

But why should they marry? If they have the mortagage nd kids they are showing their commitment - so why marry as well - is this 'extra' commitment?

dancingscream · 02/04/2007 20:57

I have been with my partner for 18 years and we have 2 children together. Neither of us is remotely religious, we are both totally commited to eachother, our relationship has stood the test of going to universities at opposite ends of the country, we have moved to the other side of the world together to live and work after graduating, we have travelled remote parts of the world and generally lived and continue to live a very full life together, now with our children. I fail to see how 'getting married' would make any difference to either of us or our children and as, as i stated previously, neither of us have any religious beliefs, it would wuite simply be a ridiculous farce.

My partner is a lawyer and so we are well aware of any legal issues concerning our relationship, and we are both independently financially secure - although we have joint financial commitments and accounts - concern over being left 'high and dry' if we seperated, is not an issue for either of us.

I personally take the stance that not getting married and celebrating so many years together is union is much more of a statement, romantic or otherwise, than getting married is these days when divorce realy is so common place.

At the end of the day its an entirely personal issue and I for one couldn't give a monkeys as to whether any of my friends or associates are married or not (although i take offence at being expectd to buy gifts for wedding ceremonies when statistically they will be arguing over who gets to keep the bloody thing in a few years time

expatinscotland · 02/04/2007 20:59

We had a civil wedding. We are not religious, either.

motherinferior · 02/04/2007 21:02

Madly flattered though I am by Huw's faith in my eloquence I am kind of running flat tonight (am editing some text of quite stunning boredom); frankly, though, the more of these 'oh why don't you get married, clearly your partner doesn't love you AND you are a bad parent AND you are probably really ugly as well as you can't get someone to marry you' threads I read, the more stalwartly I feel that just because in a moment of weakness I allowed Mr Inferior to impregnate me I fail to see why I should therefore prance up the aisle in a white meringue.

(Oh, and yes, he would quite like to get married. Says it would 'make everything so much easier', the great romantic sap.)

countrylass · 02/04/2007 21:05

you said it so much better than me motherinferior!!

expatinscotland · 02/04/2007 21:05

But it doesn't have to involve expensive clothes, an extravagant reception, religion or even other people besides two witnesses.

We grabbed two strangers off the street.

It's about the two of you at the heart of it all.

My grandparents eloped.

I always asked my gran if she was sad she didn't have a 'wedding'.

She said, 'Nonsense! I had a wedding! I married your grandfather. That was the whole point, everything else is optional.'