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Original poster

why dont parents marry eachother?

249 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2007 17:03

Just a general ponder?. I first want to emphasise that I do not mean this as a criticism towards ANYONES lifestyle whatsoever!! Every circumstance is completely different, everyone?s beliefs are different and I really do not think that there is a right or wrong in this at all just genuinely curious??

why aren?t people marrying anymore? ? I mean, if you love someone enough and are sure enough about them to make a baby with them ? this ? the most HUGE commitment you can ever possibly make?.. why not marry that person?.... really? I mean once you have a baby together ? you are bound together for life because of that baby?. Marriage (in my opinion) isn?t half the commitment to having a child with someone!!.........

My friends for instance together since they were kids- (15, 16) and have been together for 15 years now.. they have four beautiful children.. mad about each other but never married and no intentions to do so? I just wonder why not?

Before anyone gives out to me ? I?m not married.. dd (HATE saying it now that shes here) was ?unexpected? but the best thing that ever happened to us so we are, you could say, doing things ?backwards? ? in the process of building the house, are engaged and hope to get married next year? ideally (for us) we would have liked to do this all before she arrived but it doesn?t matter now ? I?m just wondering though that giving the option, if planning for a baby or trying to conceive ? why not get married, house etc FIRST? (I know not everything is as black and white as this but if you love each other very much and want a baby together sort of circumstance - then why not?) Would love to hear reasons/ opinions? just wondered?..

OP posts:
southeastastra · 30/03/2007 22:50

wail!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/03/2007 22:54

ah, that means i can have one more when I get married then? oooh exciting....

Seriously, its not the legal bond that builds society, more the environment in which those bonds are held.

People can be married and be utterly abused and battered by their spouses. Thats not a good example of family life - marriage or no marriage.

Being in a loving, caring, supportive environment will go much much further than any wedding vow. IMVHO. [twee]

LilyLoo · 30/03/2007 22:55

Goimg round in circles i guess some people agree some don't. Think people should be allowed to choose not sure still that marriage gives people an 'extra chance at sustaining a life long relationship'

sunnysideup · 30/03/2007 22:58

madamez I just wanted to say that unfortunately for many many children, the experience of parents splitting feels bitterly like the leaving parent is splitting with you too....in leaving home, they ARE leaving the child too as far as the child's experience goes. Obviously a non acrimonious split and good contact go a huge way to minimising the damage but I think as adults it is too easy sometimes to rationalise what happens when a split occurs and to not see it as the truly devastating, world altering thing that it can be for children. Some people (not saying you, just some) can be a bit glib about the "well daddy's leaving me, not you" thing.

ucm · 30/03/2007 22:59

F&Z, the last post was a joke. Sorry for joking.

FrannyandZooey · 30/03/2007 23:00

Apology accepted

ucm · 30/03/2007 23:02

Have re read this briefly and yes, F&Z people are disagreeing with me. Nothing new there then. So what. I am still able to state my point, however uneloquently (is that a word).

ucm · 30/03/2007 23:03

Oh fuck we are going to be apologising forever, look I didn't see your last bit and so on so

Sorry**

OK

FrannyandZooey · 30/03/2007 23:06

don't worry about it UCM

it's ok for us to disagree

NadineBaggott · 30/03/2007 23:08

did all those people who said they were seriously going to think about getting hitched do anything about it?

remember after Yorkiegirls thread?

ucm · 30/03/2007 23:12

Yes I think some did, the only one I can remember is VVdq

TwirlyN · 30/03/2007 23:15

As I said before we are not married after 10 years and would like to. Our way. My DS1 5 simply thinks we will kiss more if we are married. Ahhhhh. It will happen one day. when we can afford the wedding we want.

NadineBaggott · 30/03/2007 23:16

morningpaper was going to too

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/03/2007 23:20

I'm getting married on 10th November....

change your name back NB forthwith!

madamez · 30/03/2007 23:30

Sunnysideup: Acepted, sort of . And I am actually very GLAD that DS dad and I didn't try to set up house together, because DS has, from pretty much the beginning, had a loving mummy and daddy who don't live in the same house, so "daddy's gone home" is something he understands.
Yes, OK, he has been known to howl when daddy goes home but he has equally been known to howl when going to nursery - and, as I said to his dad when he was going through that howling phase, he would howl just as much if you lived here and went to work every morning... And now he accepts quite happily that either one of us will go away and come back.

kimiTheEasterBunny · 31/03/2007 09:40

Hi Foxy, not been ignoring your question real life took over last night and I had to go.
There was a lot of people who looked down on the fact that my parents were unmarried,and I carried a lot of hurt, and still do if the truth be known

sunnysideup · 31/03/2007 10:08

oh gosh madamez, wasn't talking about your situation of course; your set up as you say has been all that your ds has ever known and of course he accepts that and that's different to a child experiencing a split.

My ds has been known to howl when granny goes home, he loves her so much! Kids do howl, as you say, when people go, doesn't mean they are being damaged. An acrimonious split IS a different experience for a child, nothing like your set up.

foxybrown · 31/03/2007 10:16

Thanks Kimi. I'd hate for our marital status to impact our children - especially when its just not that important to us. I really hope society has moved on and is more accepting of individual situations (although sometimes MNers makes me wonder ...!)

ENTP · 31/03/2007 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bucketsofdynomite · 31/03/2007 18:30

I love being married, we've been married coming up 7yrs and we both still think it's really exciting and grown up and therefore somewhat hilarious that we should be allowed.
I found my soulmate and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! I find it really sad that people don't feel they are meant to be with their DPs (or DHs in some cases.) I always expected to find Mr Right and I was lucky enough to do so at 21. (My parents are still together and in love AFAIK, does that say anything?)

Harryjake · 01/04/2007 00:13

We're not married because of the hassle and expense but people don't take our relationship as seriously as they would if we'd had a 'big day'. a colleague was moaning about her husband and told me not to bother geting married, that I should just keep my relationship casual and ad-hoc. We've got two children and have been together 6 years!! Hardly casual and ad-hoc!

suis · 01/04/2007 00:29

I find people's attitudes to marriage, both here and in the RW, to be quite bizarre.

We are quite intentionally unmarried, and have quite intentionally just had our first DS. From the moment I told people I was pregnant I kept having the same conversation with people...
" I didn't know you were married"
" I'm not"
" Oh but you'll be getting married then ?"
" No "
" But after the birth.... "
" No "
" !"

My mum even told people she was sure we would be getting married later on, having DS as a page boy or somesuch.

I don't see the requirement to spend thousands of pounds (or even £50) to enter into a legal agreement with my partner when I already have provision for him and DS should I die (I'm the main wage earner). I have in intention of ever changing my name (It's who I am, DP's name is who he is, I see no point in having his name as it's not who I am, only who I am with). I suppose I celebratory party would be fun, but at present if I had that spare cash I would prefer a 5 door car (only got a 3 door at pres and it's a pain to get the car seat in) and I would like to be able to afford to take the full year off with DS rather than have to go back to work at 6 months.

I really don't understand how not having a bit of paper makes my relationship and homelife less stable, I think having DS gives us much more incentive to stay together and have a good strong partnership than having a bit of paper ever could. I simply don't see why it matters at all.

However,I do understand how countless people have been strongarmed into staying in abusive and destructive relationships just because they were married.

Most of all what I don't understand is why other people feel they have a right to have an opinion on whether I am married or not. So long as everyone involved is happy and healthy, (and we are) then my relationship, my child and how I run my home, work, finances and family is really none of anyone else's damn business.

... apologies for ranting but I've gotten pretty cheesed off with other people offering opinions about this topic ever since I became pregnant and it feels good to vent about it.

OzJo · 01/04/2007 04:08

Not religious, and feel absolutely no need to legally verify what I already know is a fine relationship with a lovely bloke and two gorgeous kids. My grandmother was divorced ( high drama for someone of that generation, she was made to feel deeply ashamed about the marriage failing although her husband was having an affair)...My mum is on her 3rd marriage ( third time lucky thankfully)... I obviously have a slightly jaded view of marriage being a good thing. It's whatever works for each couple.

canella · 01/04/2007 09:52

Getting married this summer after 9 years and 3 dc later! Doing it on the quiet with no fuss because we both want to be married to each other but dont necessarily want all the fuss of a wedding day. We just havent done it before now mostly cause i kept getting pregnant but we both feel its the right time and will make our wee family even more secure. Going to tell most people after we've done it then we will feel that its a ceremony for us rather than for great auntie mable who we've not seen for 10 years!

SalmonFishcake · 01/04/2007 10:07

I have 3 children with DH and we got married in between dc2 and dc3. Of course we had the mortgage, car, commitment together.

I didn think getting married would make a difference to our realtionship but it has. It is much more solid, stronger etc....anyone who say marriage wont change anything we're already commited etc is deluding themselves.

It DOES change things and for the better. We really got married for our children and thought it would be selfish not to.