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Original poster

why dont parents marry eachother?

249 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2007 17:03

Just a general ponder?. I first want to emphasise that I do not mean this as a criticism towards ANYONES lifestyle whatsoever!! Every circumstance is completely different, everyone?s beliefs are different and I really do not think that there is a right or wrong in this at all just genuinely curious??

why aren?t people marrying anymore? ? I mean, if you love someone enough and are sure enough about them to make a baby with them ? this ? the most HUGE commitment you can ever possibly make?.. why not marry that person?.... really? I mean once you have a baby together ? you are bound together for life because of that baby?. Marriage (in my opinion) isn?t half the commitment to having a child with someone!!.........

My friends for instance together since they were kids- (15, 16) and have been together for 15 years now.. they have four beautiful children.. mad about each other but never married and no intentions to do so? I just wonder why not?

Before anyone gives out to me ? I?m not married.. dd (HATE saying it now that shes here) was ?unexpected? but the best thing that ever happened to us so we are, you could say, doing things ?backwards? ? in the process of building the house, are engaged and hope to get married next year? ideally (for us) we would have liked to do this all before she arrived but it doesn?t matter now ? I?m just wondering though that giving the option, if planning for a baby or trying to conceive ? why not get married, house etc FIRST? (I know not everything is as black and white as this but if you love each other very much and want a baby together sort of circumstance - then why not?) Would love to hear reasons/ opinions? just wondered?..

OP posts:
TeeCee · 30/03/2007 21:03

I've been with DP 10/11 years. Have our third DC on the way.
We might actually end up getting married, but I'm so not bothered tbh. If it happens, it happens but I won't be doing the whole bride for the day thing. Netted bag of almonds on name cards, ballonn arches, all that malarkey I'll sign a piece of paper and I'll take his name so I share the same name as my DD's and I'd do it for that reason and becasue legally if anything happened to one of us it's all so much easier if married, and you are entitled to widows pension. Those are the reasons I'd do it.

But to do it as a commitment thing, no. Why, what's it proving, saying that the 2 of you don't already feel and know. We have a mortgage together, a car and most, most importantly 3 children.
Why do I need to sign a piece of paper as a comitment? I don't get it. What does it do, what does it change?

Imo, in my personal opinion, it's a waste of money. I'll maybe have a signing for legsal reasons but not a weddign, ewwwww, so not me.

foxybrown · 30/03/2007 21:07

Teecee, just out of interest if you don't mind me asking, would you take his name anyway, even if you don't get married?

My children have my name, and if we got married that wouldn't change.

Chattea · 30/03/2007 21:10

F&Z - Of course YOU have made a commitment to each other and your child, but by having a child without being married you have joined the growing ranks who say 'parents do not need to have made a legal commitment to each other in order to start a family'. This DOES have a knock on effect in society, whether you like it or not. You say it's not a matter for the state but the state ends up supporting thousands of single mums who see nothing wrong with having a baby and living on benefits rather than trying to have a solid, stable relationship in which to raise a child where, possibly, one of the parents could earn an income to support it. I don't know how to make this point without sounding like the Daily Mail so I'll just leave the argument now. And, for the record, I am EXTREMELY supportive to two very close friends of mine who are single mums.

myermay · 30/03/2007 21:10

Message withdrawn

TeeCee · 30/03/2007 21:10

Hmmm never thought about taking his name but not marrying him, yeah I would.
But tbh I think we might sign a bit of paper anyway some time next year for all the legal reasons so I'd take his name then and have the same name as my girls.

madamez · 30/03/2007 21:12

V interesting with LOTS of points I want to add - can't remember who said what so please don't feel got at, anyone.

Firstly, being a co parent with someone is different to 'marrying' them. I'm putting 'marrying' in inverted commas because there are restrictions around what is and isn't a legal marriage, and some people who have made a public commitment to their partners in front of friends and family might want to call themselves married even if their commitment did not take any form legally recognised as a marriage.
My DS' dad and I are not married, do not live together and do not intend to, but he is a great father, sees a lot of DS and is an all round Good Bloke - but DS wasn't planned, his dad and I are old drinking mates who got a little careless one night. Setting up a house together would make me and DS dad murderously miserable and wouldn't be good for DS either: as it is, he knows both parents love him and he gets to spend loads of time with us both togehter and apart.

Digression over: one good reason a friend of mine always used to give for not getting married was the law on rape in marriage ie you can't be raped by your husband once you've married him and you lose the legal right to refuse sex.
I think the law has changed a bit on that, but not enough (though I'm not a lawyer). Not, I hasten to add, that she thought her then DP or any of her subsequent ones were likely to rape her, it was the principle..

FInally, on a happier note, I have passed my part 3, am almost certain to pass my part 4 written work, and will then be a functional Humanist Wedding Celebrant, for the information of those of you who are considering it.

Oblomov · 30/03/2007 21:13

kick off - lets hope its beeter than England

madamez · 30/03/2007 21:19

Chattea: you're making a lot of stupid-person leaps in the dark here. It's not the legal fact of marriage that matters. Having been through a legal ceremony does not stop someone from f*cking off, leaving a partner saddled with kids and debts. Equally, not being married does not prevent a person being a devoted and indeed financially responsible absent parent. Like my DS dad who contributes cash, time, hands-on involvement with DS, despite the fact that we are not married and don't live together. And do bear in mind that the single-mums-on-benefits that you and the Dialy Mail love to hate didn't impregnate themselves out of sheer mischief. But encouraging men to take more responsibility for children they sire is not the same as forcing people to marry or stay married.

kimiTheEasterBunny · 30/03/2007 21:20

I met DH1 when was 14, we have 2 children, and have been married 21 years (together 21) sadly we split up last year, things on both sides.
I have a lovely new partner who is despread to marry me, however the thought of DH1 and I divorcing is something I can't deal with as the thought of our children having divorced parents is not a good one.
DH1 and I are getting on better now then we did and we are friends again. He and DP get on, the children are happy.

I was born to un-married parents in the 70s, not good. I would NEVER have had a child with out being married.

foxybrown · 30/03/2007 21:20

and by that, Madamz, you and your child's father are fine examples of being positive role models for your child which is the best any of us can do, married or not. Far worse for children to witness unhappiness and anger of ill-suited, unhappied married couples who feel trapped than happy parents who don't live together.

Sorry Chattea, but I don't think its fair to stereotype single mothers like that. People do make mistakes, but they also marry badly too.

foxybrown · 30/03/2007 21:23

Kimi, can I ask how much difference did your parents not being married make to you? I don't want to pry (well, obviously I'm curious or I wouldn't be asking), but having children and not being married hasn't really been an issue for me as we are happy and both feel secure in this relationshp. So does that ceremony really make a difference to the children is what I'm wanting to know. Is it a security thing?
Don't answer if you don't want to.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/03/2007 21:25

Oh i dont care about all this pants about committment. Having a child together, to us was a huge committment.

We are doing it, following Yorkiegirls thread. For financial reasons mostly, and I'd quite like to have the same surname as my children now too.

Why not celebrate all these things with a fuck off big party for everyone we love?????

Thats why we are doing it, anyway.

margo1974 · 30/03/2007 21:25

I'm with Maveta, each to their own.

I can't write any more as I would sound soppy and idealistic. I felt regret when Billie Piper and Chris Evans split up as they got married on the same week as us, stupid, I know.

FrannyandZooey · 30/03/2007 21:33

Chattea, I don't see it as any of my business what financial, marital, sexual or social position people who choose to have children are in.

If I had not found the right partner I would have had children by myself. How kind of you to be supportive to your single mum friends whilst tutting about them on here.

CarGirl · 30/03/2007 21:42

Just got married after having 3 children together (I already having 1). There was something significant to us about the vows we made to each other - it is in many ways seperate to us parenting children together. I was committed to being with him and being faithful etc marrying him still took a huge step of faith, it's made a difference, a public declaration of promising to really really love him (ie the doing bit)

Scared the pants off me hence why it took us so long to get married....

Oblomov · 30/03/2007 21:44

F&Z would have had children by herslf. Now that's impressive.

Oblomov · 30/03/2007 21:45

Don't worry everyone . You don't need men. Who needs marraige. F&Z has found a way to procreate on her own.

swifterella · 30/03/2007 21:53

this thread is annoying me now. UCM, we had a commitment before we had a child, 10 years worth. we then had our DS who is so cherished its untrue.

chattea you are just ignorant evidently.

ucm · 30/03/2007 21:54

Madamez, I do sincerely hope that your LO doesn't ever see that about you & your friend being great drinking mates who got a little careless one night.

I don't often get really angry at a post on here but that one makes me (obviously my opinion) mad.

What if you or he, finds a partner who your little boy doesn't like. Also when 'mate' has kids with someone he can be bothered to commit to, do your think your LO will come first, I doubt it.

I hope for your little boy it all stays nice & fluffy, but the cynical side of me says it wont. What a selfish way to embrace parenthood. Good luck.

swifterella · 30/03/2007 21:55

oblomov, why are u being rude? i think f&Z was saying that she would bring her child up by herself if she didnt meet the right man

Oblomov · 30/03/2007 21:56

I know, I know.
I love F&Z. I didn't mean to be rude. I was just taking the mickey out of her wording. No offence meant.

swifterella · 30/03/2007 21:57

so its better to stay in a loveless marriage or be married for the sake of it. Madamez and her 'mate' sound responsible and caring. Surely they are great traits to have as a parent?

Oblomov · 30/03/2007 21:57

Sorry F&Z.

LilyLoo · 30/03/2007 21:58

Sorry just joined thread but wondered how not being married equates single mum living off the state ? Am i just being thick ?

expatinscotland · 30/03/2007 21:58

I don't know why people don't.

I'm sure they have their reasons.

I hope both my daughters do, though.