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Original poster

why dont parents marry eachother?

249 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2007 17:03

Just a general ponder?. I first want to emphasise that I do not mean this as a criticism towards ANYONES lifestyle whatsoever!! Every circumstance is completely different, everyone?s beliefs are different and I really do not think that there is a right or wrong in this at all just genuinely curious??

why aren?t people marrying anymore? ? I mean, if you love someone enough and are sure enough about them to make a baby with them ? this ? the most HUGE commitment you can ever possibly make?.. why not marry that person?.... really? I mean once you have a baby together ? you are bound together for life because of that baby?. Marriage (in my opinion) isn?t half the commitment to having a child with someone!!.........

My friends for instance together since they were kids- (15, 16) and have been together for 15 years now.. they have four beautiful children.. mad about each other but never married and no intentions to do so? I just wonder why not?

Before anyone gives out to me ? I?m not married.. dd (HATE saying it now that shes here) was ?unexpected? but the best thing that ever happened to us so we are, you could say, doing things ?backwards? ? in the process of building the house, are engaged and hope to get married next year? ideally (for us) we would have liked to do this all before she arrived but it doesn?t matter now ? I?m just wondering though that giving the option, if planning for a baby or trying to conceive ? why not get married, house etc FIRST? (I know not everything is as black and white as this but if you love each other very much and want a baby together sort of circumstance - then why not?) Would love to hear reasons/ opinions? just wondered?..

OP posts:
Aloha · 30/03/2007 19:29

I don't care if people get married or not, but I do think it is incorrect to say children are a bigger commitment than marriage. Children commit you to your children, getting married is a commitment to your partner. People who are married with no children tend to stay together, people who are living together with children tend not to! Children are not a good glue for a relationship, married or not.

ScottishMummy · 30/03/2007 19:31

Chattea - are u deliberatley trying to get a reaction from people??

you are entitled to your opinion so i have nothing to bring on

anecdotally we can all swop stories of people married for 5min or alternatively people who cohabit for 20 years

individual choice - bring that on

JoanCrawford · 30/03/2007 19:33

ucm, used to agree with you about people not marrying are the ones who are not 100% committed/in love with each other. But I can honestly say that as I've got older and my relationship with dp has grown in depth, I've lost that insecure 'need' to marry him. I know he isn't going anywhere and vice versa.

I'm very proud that we are together because we want to be, not because a marriage certificate binds us in all sorts of legal ways.

JoanCrawford · 30/03/2007 19:37

If you marry someone, you can divorce them and never see them again.

If you have children with someone, they will be in your life, in some way, forever. Even when a split occurs you, as a mother, need to maintain a civil relationship with your ex for the sake of your child.

That is the reason that I believe children is a bigger commitment than marriage.

Chattea · 30/03/2007 19:48

Scottishmummy - yes I am! I get SOOO fed up of the 'it's only a piece of paper' argument and the 'we can't afford to it's too expensive' line. I really do believe that the legally binding commitment to each other should preceed the making of the baby.

Aloha · 30/03/2007 19:50

A civil relationship? Blimey,tell that to dh's ex!

ucm · 30/03/2007 19:50

I was joking JC.

However, I do think that people should commit to each other prior to bringing a child into the world. I will never understand how someone who has more than 1 child then divorces (unless there is someone else involved, no one can stop that). If it's for poor behaviour on the other party's side, then surely they must have noticed it when they met/moved in/had the first child. Why on earth go on to have more children. Again I expect to be shot down, but IME everyone I know who has split, knew that there were problems to start with. Just pondering again, hefty subject and I am probably coming in with my size 9's, but am genuinely curious. IMO it's too easy today to just walk away especially if you are not married.

swifterella · 30/03/2007 19:53

ucm so your saying that when u see people who aren't married u always assume that it is because the man doesnt want to get married? how very patronising.My DP really wants to get married, I however do not feel the need. Oh and i cant walk out on the bad times as we have an 18 mnth old so not feasible

puffling · 30/03/2007 19:53

We're not married and have a dd. Marriage seems an irrelevance to us. Marriage is bound up with religious and economic connotations that simply don't apply. We aren't religious, our union wouldn't generate any wealth and most importantly we have few family and aren't part of a community, and therefore don't have the people around us to demonstrate our commitment to.

swifterella · 30/03/2007 19:54

x posts. why do u have to be married to bring a child into the world?

JoanCrawford · 30/03/2007 19:55

Just noticed that comment from you ucm . Only you can say that and not get me . You are my all time fav mnetter. That classic thread from you is what got me hooked on mn and you gave me the best laugh I'd had in a long time.

Hope you don't mind me saying that?

You can do no wrong in my book

PS, I'm not a stalkery psycho - honest guv!

ScottishMummy · 30/03/2007 19:55

Chattea - we need to agree to disagree..i do believe it is just piece of paper. but if it has significance to you then fair enough

BTW, i am married after 10+ cohabiting cant say it holds significance for me

boysontoast · 30/03/2007 19:56

why on earth would anyone think anyone else 'should' do something?
what are the life choices of total strangers to do with anyone?

ScottishMummy · 30/03/2007 20:00

i don't spend any time wondering what other people should do re marriage/when kids arrive/marriage - spend more time looking for the remote control frankly

Chattea · 30/03/2007 20:01

The life choices of total strangers have an inmpact on family life all over the country. If marriage is devalued, if fathers are devalued, it's always the most vulnerable who suffer the knock-on effects
eg the children of single mums living in poverty

swifterella · 30/03/2007 20:33

oh FFS get a grip

ucm · 30/03/2007 20:38

Oh Blimey JC, you will have all the MSN's trying to get your email to tell you not to bother shortly. But thanks for vote of confidence hun.

ucm · 30/03/2007 20:49

Ok am breathing deeply as I write this. For whatever reasons, whether historical or religious, marriage is pretty sacred in my opionion. It just is. It is, whether you like it or not a commitment excercise. For anyone. I am very close to someone who didn't have a partner etc when their child was born, for years I thought 'Oh well everyone does it' and when I had my own child, I apologised for my lack of understanding which thankfully she put down to my being childless. Nowadays, I spend most of my life saying 'God I didn't realise how hard it must have been. I couldn't do it on my own'. I could of course, but my children would probably be a lot more miserable than they are now as I wouldn't have the energy & patience that I have because DH takes over at times.

This is why I believe that yes, there should be some sort of commitment *BEFORE** (can't do bold) having a child.

ucm · 30/03/2007 20:50

Oh god I done bold, without knowing how.

FrannyandZooey · 30/03/2007 20:53

Dp and I have made a commitment. We have made a commitment to each other and to our ds, to try to do the best we can for him and that includes trying to stay together in a good relationship as his parents.

This is a private thing between us that concerns only our family and does not need to be formalised in any court of law, religious setting or any other public domain. It is our business. It would also be our business if we had decided to have a child together and not live together. Or to get married but not have children. None of this is the business of the state, the church, or anyone except the people involved in having the child.

frenchconnection · 30/03/2007 20:55

mumfor1standfinaltime, what a weird thing to say, "to have your children at your own wedding seems bizarre" - why the hell is that bizarre?? Surely its a lovely thing?

Our daughter was our flower girl and it was great, better than feeling pressured to tie the knot just cos there was a baby already on the way!!

batters · 30/03/2007 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 30/03/2007 21:01

well when i got married i made a VOW to my dh. how many people make vows if they decide not get married?

if i wasn't married i would hate for my dp to have to wade through the legal implications of my estate should i die. if something happens to me and i am incapable, i absolutely trust dh to make decisions on my behalf, be it organ donation / turning off life support. he is now my next of kin, not my dm.

marriage is not just a piece of paper...

however, i respect everyone else's right to not get married.

foxybrown · 30/03/2007 21:01

because DP has a commitment phobia.

and DC4 (planned,like the others) is due in June.

I just don't get it!

Oh well, am not arsed, just find it odd we have four children, and are an old married couple in every way. I bring it up once in a while, but its just not a big issue.

ucm · 30/03/2007 21:02

FrenchConnection you reminded me of a faux pas I once made, I was shown some cine films recently of my cousins who are tons older than I. Because their parents (my Aunt & Uncles) wedding was shown out of sync, when I looked at it an saw the flower girl, I remarked 'is that XXXcousin'. They all stared at me, it was 1953 and was most definitely not!!!!