Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why dont parents marry eachother?

249 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2007 17:03

Just a general ponder?. I first want to emphasise that I do not mean this as a criticism towards ANYONES lifestyle whatsoever!! Every circumstance is completely different, everyone?s beliefs are different and I really do not think that there is a right or wrong in this at all just genuinely curious??

why aren?t people marrying anymore? ? I mean, if you love someone enough and are sure enough about them to make a baby with them ? this ? the most HUGE commitment you can ever possibly make?.. why not marry that person?.... really? I mean once you have a baby together ? you are bound together for life because of that baby?. Marriage (in my opinion) isn?t half the commitment to having a child with someone!!.........

My friends for instance together since they were kids- (15, 16) and have been together for 15 years now.. they have four beautiful children.. mad about each other but never married and no intentions to do so? I just wonder why not?

Before anyone gives out to me ? I?m not married.. dd (HATE saying it now that shes here) was ?unexpected? but the best thing that ever happened to us so we are, you could say, doing things ?backwards? ? in the process of building the house, are engaged and hope to get married next year? ideally (for us) we would have liked to do this all before she arrived but it doesn?t matter now ? I?m just wondering though that giving the option, if planning for a baby or trying to conceive ? why not get married, house etc FIRST? (I know not everything is as black and white as this but if you love each other very much and want a baby together sort of circumstance - then why not?) Would love to hear reasons/ opinions? just wondered?..

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 30/03/2007 18:24

marriage-schmarriage - its one day ceremony just piece of paper imo.

what counts is the commitment and quality of your day to day and marriage wont guarntee that

so living in sin -lol or married whatever suits u i think

SoupDreggon · 30/03/2007 18:27

Didn't YorkieGirl have a thread about the legal/financial risks of not being married?

mumfor1standfinaltime · 30/03/2007 18:28

I am Married, have been with dh for 12yrs (since I was 17) and married for 5 this year.

Personally I wouldn't want a child with someone who I wasn't prepared to marry and vice versa.
Marriage to me is important.
Just the thought of having my child/ren on my wedding photos seems bizarre. I guess I am old fashioned, I don't know.

I think maybe it depends on how you are brought up yourself? My parents have been marroed for over 30 years, and met whilst very young.

foxinsocks · 30/03/2007 18:31

yes, she did soupie. The financial/admin considerations are important as cohabiting parents do not have the same rights as married couples do.

There's also no automatic next-of-kin between cohabiting couples.

TwirlyN · 30/03/2007 18:40

10 years we are not married or engaged.
Our reasons are
1 Money for the wedding we would like, with our DC.
2 I would still like my parents present, or at least give them the chance. DP and my folk don't talk and haven't for 3 years.
3 I would have to arrange it, DP does diddly when it comes to money. Therefore the stress of it all puts me off.
4 He still hasn't offically asked me, although if I had a boat load of money, everyone got on great, I was on something for stress and went ahead and booked it, i'm sure he would turn up, although i would want a big fat diamond first as an engagement ring.

PeachyClair · 30/03/2007 18:47

DS1 is in my wedding pic (and makes it much nicer) but we WERE engaged when he was conceived, so it was for us just a matter of dates- we knew we'd be together.

My sis though married her chap only when they wanted a baby, they'd been together a decade by then. he was from a family where his aprents had gone through a very ansty and bitter divorce and had wanted to be wary.

TBH< DH and I love being amrried but if we had our time again we'd have invested the money (because both my sisters did little weddings and BIL still lives with his Mummy, we got lumbered somehow with the big bash). It was a special day that I remember with happiness, but was it worth £12K?? Not sure.

We might have done the eloping thing, don't know. we'd still be together though.

twinsetandpearls · 30/03/2007 18:50

I am a bitter dicorced old hag so in theory I should be anti marriage but I don't understand why I wold have kids with somone I did not think I was going to be with forever and therefore was not married to.

Sometimes I wish I thought differently as then dp and I could have the children we want

ScottishMummy · 30/03/2007 18:53

twinsetandpearls - are you delaying having children until you are married is that what you are saying??

foxinsocks · 30/03/2007 18:57

dd is in our wedding pics and she loves that fact!

I don't get the 'having kids is the biggest committment' (though I'm sure I've been guilty of saying it at some point in the past). I accidentally fell pregnant with dd - dh and I decided to stick it out together (and possibly, for me, that decision was bigger than the decision to get married) but I was prepared for it not to work. I don't think having children necessarily makes you have a committment with the father iyswim.

PeachyClair · 30/03/2007 19:00

Maybe not if tha child is unplanned, but deliberately making a baby with someone- I mean, I never have to see XP again- and I probably won't. It ended, I gave him the house and I cleared off. If I break up with DH we have messy and expensive paperwork, and then I have to see him regularly anyway because of the boys. there is no proper escape after kids. You are saying @i acknowledge you will be in my life, in some manner, for at least the next 25 years'- and there is no get out. that's huge.

swifterella · 30/03/2007 19:04

my DS was very much unplanned but the best thing we ever did imo, we got engaged after DS was born but dont have any burning desire to get married. We have a child, a house and 10 years of history together, why do i need a piece of paper t validate that/

twinsetandpearls · 30/03/2007 19:09

ScottishMummy am saying exactly that.

twinsetandpearls · 30/03/2007 19:13

I am not saying accidents dont happen as they do and if an accident happened to dp and I we would be delighted have the babyand get married.

But dp and I both agree that we would not plan to have a child unmmarried.

twinsetandpearls · 30/03/2007 19:14

hence no babies

ScottishMummy · 30/03/2007 19:17

twinsetandpearls -thanks for clarifying.

Hope your wishes come true

rowan1971 · 30/03/2007 19:21

I'm not married to my DP and have no plans to marry. But I'm shocked at how many of my female friends are 'waiting to be asked' - desperate to get married but don't want to pop the q themselves. Find that very depressing! And don't get me started to seemingly sensible women who change their names as soon as they get hitched...

Oblomov · 30/03/2007 19:21

I was three months pregnant at our wedding. Only because dh succeeded on our first time of trying - he was most miffed at that - he was looking forward to the trying bit.
Although, obviously our wedding day had been planned well before we knew of our 'expected', it was very important to be to be married and have dh's name on the birth certificate.
I don't know why it was so important to me, but it was.

HuwEdwards · 30/03/2007 19:21

I need MI on this thread....so much more eloquent than me.

Prsonally I just don't get marriage - never have tbh, although I have no doubt DP and I will be together till one of us kicks it.

mumto3girls · 30/03/2007 19:23

DP and I have been together 10 years, I have three children ( two are not biologically DP's but he's brought them up for the last decade!!)

He asked me to marry him and bought me a big diamond ring, so happy to report we are doing the deed next May!!

ucm · 30/03/2007 19:25

Ok, will get abuse for this, but it's how I feel. I see getting married as the ultimate commitment. Very important if you are going to do the ultimate 'life changer' of having children together.

I always assume that when someone says they don't feel the need to get married it's because their OH doesn't love/want them enough to do it.

Chattea · 30/03/2007 19:25

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is a legally binding commitment which means that if you're going through a bad patch you can't just walk out and not look back. I believe people should try to commit themselves to each other until their youngest child is eighteen and that they should have proven their commitment to each other, through marriage, before they make a baby. I am not religious and I do not read the Daily Mail.

Bring it on - I'm ready for you.

ScottishMummy · 30/03/2007 19:26

mumto3girls- congratulations on your happy news

i think dad is the person who supports nurtures guides and bonds, more than genes. sounds like u got a good one

JoanCrawford · 30/03/2007 19:27

Having children with dp was the biggest committment for us. We are not married, why should we be?

I wanted children with him because I wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives. There was a time when I wanted to marry, probably because it was what all my friends were doing at that time. Now, I just see it as er, old fashioned. I know we are committed, so does he and so do our children. Who else matters?

ucm · 30/03/2007 19:29

So he won't marry you then

mumto3girls · 30/03/2007 19:29

Thanks Scottishmummy.
He is a good one, and I know ( especially since joining mumsnet) that I'm a lucky girl!